The lonesome figure was happily welcomed by the familiar dim lights, shining down on him as he entered the coffee shop. He went over to one of the many tables for two, sitting down and facing the road outside.

Juniel was not surprised to see the man, for he was a regular here. Always wearing that black coat and black hat of his, the man never came accompanied by another. He was alone, drinking his coffee in silence, staring out the window with a distant look in his eyes, and keeping all of his thoughts to himself.

She was very curious about what thoughts the man could have.

Although the man came to the shop every day, Juniel did not know his name. In fact, she didn’t even know what he looked like, exactly. Feeling somewhat intimidated by him and his aura, she made her co-worker, Yoo Ji Ae, take his order instead so she doesn’t have to face him and possibly make a fool out of herself. His back is all she sees.

Unfortunately, Ji Ae decided to take the day off today, leaving Juniel as the only worker to run the shop. That also left Juniel to be the only one to be able to go and take the man’s order.

Promising herself she’d strangle Ji Ae later, she walked over to the man, who was facing the window with his back turned to her, and put a smile on her face. “Good morning, what would you like today?”

He turned around and she felt her heart skip a beat as she took in his piercing eyes, sharp jawline, fair skin, and golden hair. It was quite overwhelming to see someone like this in an almost-empty coffee shop.

“The usual, please.” The man said, his voice deep and a bit husky.

Plain black coffee. That was ‘the usual’.

Juniel knew this because Ji Ae always complained about how bitter it tasted and the two wondered how the man could stand it. She nodded, “I’ll be right back.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the man turn back to the window and she can’t help but wonder… Why was he always so sad?

Kris sighed and stared out the window, where cars were passing by and people were moving on with their lives. Moving on… that was one thing Kris couldn’t do, no matter how many times he tried.

He was quite amused with the fact that the other worker took his order today. Juniel, her nametag said. During his many visits here, she never once came up to him and he kept pondering why.

The shop’s radio was on in the background and a soft melody reached his ears. He focused on a tree on the other side of the street, listening to the singer’s voice and to what they were singing... something about first loves and flowers. How ironic; it fit his life so well.

Shifting his gaze to the inside of the shop, Kris saw some rose vases placed on the countertops. He’s never seen them there before and a solemn smile decorated his visage.

Roses. Such simple flowers, yet they bring back so many memories. Kris’s eyes landed on a particular vase, where the flowers were a lavender color. How odd for a lavendar rose to hold so much meaning to him...

It all started on his first day at school. He was only five or six then, and he had just moved from his hometown Guangzhou, Guangdong, China, to Gwangju, Korea. Naturally because of this, his first day at grade school was beyond horrible; his Korean wasn’t very good and the other kids didn’t want to befriend him.

He vaguely remembered the time the other kids laughed at him, causing him to run off in tears. He sat against the brick wall, hugging his legs to his chest. Being the little kid he was, he missed his friends, his school, and his home back in China. He didn’t like it here at all.

Suddenly, he felt something (or someone) move and slump down next to him. Lifting his head up, he saw a girl looking at him from under her brown bangs. Her hair was tied into pigtails and a pink flower-clip was in her hair.

"Are you okay?" She asked, looking at him from top to bottom. Kris just sniffled, so she continued talking. "Just ignore those kids. They make fun of everyone."

This time he nodded and she sat up straight. "My name is Jun Hee, but you can call me Juniel. I like that name better. What's yours?"

Sniffle. "Yi Fan." Pause. "N-no, Kris."

"Kris? That's an American name! How cool!" Juniel smiled brightly and stood up, brushing the imaginary dirt off of her clothes. "It's time to go back to class. Let's go together!"

He didn't answer because he was so surprised by her friendliness and cheerfulness. She took his hand and pulled him up to his feet. "Come on, Kris! Let's go!"

With those pigtails bouncing up and down and that cheeky smile, Kris had fallen in love. Sure, he was only a kid, but he was sure of it.

Without her noticing, he placed a lavender-colored rose on Juniel's desk. He could cleaerly remember the smile on her face when she picked it up, looking around to see who had put it there. Kris turned away, smiling to himself and blushing.

( lavender ): love at first sight.

"She's already forgotten me, hasn't she?" Kris whispered to himself. The last time they had seen each other was five years ago and of course he had changed; he got taller, a lot taller, dyed his hair blonde, and his facial features grew more defined. But he had recognized Juniel right away; why didn't she?

Kris shifted his legs and leaned forward to look at the girl, who was frantically moving around and about behind the counter. A loud crash was heard and she poked her head out to him shyly.

"I'm so sorry, I accidentally knocked the cup over and it spilled." Juniel rubbed the back of her neck, embarassed. "Is it okay if you wait a bit longer?"

Kris chuckled at the girl's clumsiness; it was so like her to do something like that. "It's alright, I can wait."

She smiled gratefully before going back to work, determined not to knock anything over this time. Her shoulder brushed against a vase of yellow roses as she did so and another memory resurfaced in Kris's mind. It was a memory Kris thought he had forgotten.

The other kids were bullying him again this time. The boys, Kai and Kyungsoo, snatched his backpack from him and dumped its onto the ground, rummaging in it to steal his pocket money. Ji Eun stood by, watching everything unfold until Juniel saw what was happening and came to his rescue.

"Kai, Kyungsoo! Stop it!" She cried as she yanked the backpack out of their hands. Shoving it into his hands, she bent down to pick up his notebooks and pencils. "Stop being so mean!"

The boys laughed and mocked her. "You can't make us, you know."

Kris stood behind her, frightened and not moving. His defender put her hands on her hips defiantly. "Yes, I can!"

"No, you can't!" Kai said. "You're just a girl!"

"So?" She stuck her tongue out and stomped up to him, looking at him straight in the eyes. "Just tell me what it'll take for you to stop. I'll do it."

Ji Eun took this chance to step in with her arms crossed. "Cut all of your hair off! Then we'll stop."

The hair that reached Juniel's elbows was golden brown, long and luscious, silking and shiny, soft and pretty. She styled it everyday, wether it be in a ponytail or a braid, and she treasured her hair. It was the one thing she liked the most about herself.

Despite her love for her hair, she accepted the challenge with a strong voice. "Really? If I cut my hair off, you'll stop?"

Ji Eun nodded, but then smirked. "But you won't do it, will you?"

"Of course I will! Something as easy as that?" When Kris heard Juniel say that, he tapped her shoulder to stop her from doing it but she ignored him and ran back into the classroom. She grabbed a pair of scissors from her own bag and ran back outside.

She put her hair into a low ponytail, held her hair with one hand, and before anyone could stop her, she took the scissors and snipped it off. Her lovely brown locks fell to ground, one by one, snip by snip. Ji Eun gasped, not believing that she'd actually do it. Kai and Kyungsoo just stood there, staring at the clumps of hair that every girl in school was jealous of.

"There." Juniel said, breaking the silence once she was done. "Now you have to leave Kris alone. You promised."

The bullies went away, as promised, and Kris stared at the girl in front of him. "Juniel, your hair..."

She didn't turn around and he could tell that she was going to cry. A six-year-old girl's hair was like her life and cutting it off was something that was just so unthinkable. "It's okay, Kris. Friends help each other, right?"

Her mother was clearly upset when she came to pick her up after school. The teacher and about every other kid in class was shocked too. "Choi Jun Hee! Why did you do such a thing without permission?!"

She only smiled and answered with, "Don't be upset, mommy. Now the kids won't bully Kris anymore."

"What?" Her mom looked puzzled at her statement.

"I miss my hair too, but don't worry," Juniel continued, "it will grow back soon, right?"

"R-right..." Her mom seemed to have gotten over it and accepted her daughter's new haircut. "Let's go home, Jun Hee, and see what your father has to say about this."

Juniel nodded and went to get her bag. The yellow rose that Kris had secretly slipped inside of it's pocket fell out and she picked it up. Smiling, she tucked it behind her ear and skipped out the door, following her mother.

In Kris's opinion, he thought she looked ever more cute with short, rigid, un-even hair.

( yellow ): friendship, i care.

"Here you go, one black coffee and strawberry shortcake." 

Kris snapped back to reality as Juniel placed a cup and a plate down in front of him. He studied her face, but it showed no realization in her eyes, no sign that she recognized him as her best friend from long ago. 

"I didn't order any cake..." He said, pointing at the plate.

"I know, but it's an apology treat since I spilled your coffee earlier." Juniel explained. "Also, you need to eat something sweet for once. Drinking bitter coffee everyday is just too much."

"You haven't changed one bit," Kris chuckled to himself. "Thank you."

"No problem!" She said brightly, going back to her place behind the counter. Kris took a forkful of the strawberry shortcake and put it into his mouth. The sweetness hit him like a wave of surprise and he swallowed. It was too sugary for his taste, but it was also comforting at the same time. The flavor was soft and gentle, just like the Juniel he had fallen in love with. Just like the Juniel he was still in love with.

He remembered the day it was her twelfth birthday and how he had planned to sing a song for her. It never happened though, because as soon as she saw him at school, she crushed him into a hug.

Kris put down his cup and grimaced. His coffee didn't taste as bitter as usual... probably Juniel's doing, again.

He didn't like black coffee, not at all. He forced himself to drink it though, and he eventually grew accustomed to it over time. The bitterness matched him and his life, that was the reason why he drank nothing else.

Bitter, remorse, sorrow, and most of all, regret. He regretted not using his chances when he had so many, and now he suffered for it. He blamed himself for his cowardice; if only he had said he loved her first, then she would have been his. It didn't matter if she chose to reject him instead because then the heavy feeling in his chest would have been lifted and he wouldn't have turned out this way.

Illa illa illa illa, never forget love

"Hey, Kris?"

"Yeah?" He turned around and saw Juniel standing behind him. "What is it?"

"Thank you." She said softly, surprising him. 

He put his pen down onto his notebook, puzzled. "For what?"

"For introducing Tao to me," she continued, "and for everything. Thank you."

A lump appeared in his throat once he heard his friend's name and he smiled half-heartedly at his object of affections. "Oh, it's nothing."

"Of course it's not nothing!" Juniel replied. "I feel as though my life is perfect right now. I don't know how to repay you, Kris."

You can repay me by saying you love me, by becoming mine. "Just be happy with each other, alright? That's enough for me."

"Don't worry, we will!" She answered happily and giving him a short hug. "You're the best bestfriend ever!"

"But I don't want to be your best bestfriend." Kris whispered to himself before holding her wrist tightly. Surprised by his sudden actions, she watched him with wide-eyes and tried to wriggle away.

"K-Kris? What are you doing...?"

Not answering her, he pulled something out from his pocket and laid it in her palm, closing her fingers around it. "Juniel, I'm going to be gone for a while. I know you'll be okay, but I still want you to be careful, do you hear me?"

"Gone? Wait, are you going somewhere?" She asked.

"I l-love... I..." I love you, he wanted to say, but instead he ignored her question and bit his lip as he looked away. "I hope you two are happy."

Letting go of her wrist, he turned and left, leaving a confused Juniel as she looked down at the blue rose laying in her palm.

( blue ): the unattainable, the impossible.

The next day, the man did not come to the coffee shop, nor the next day, nor the next. In fact, for the next week and a half, he did not step one foot inside the shop, and this worried Ji Ae.

Did something happen when she was gone? Ji Ae looked over at Juniel, who seemed to be spacing out as she washed the tables with a wet cloth. She's been like that ever since the day she came late, and it was bothering her.

Ji Ae spotted something red on the floor and went over to pick it up. It was a rose. "How odd. Did this fall out of the vases...?"

"That's mine." Her co-worker immediately appeared at her side and took the rose from her before returning back to her task at hand of washing tables. Juniel's face seemed tired, more tired than usual, and it seemed as though her eyes were distant and faraway. Her eyes had the same look that the man always had. Ji Ae stared at her, eyebrows raised, at the slightly weird behaviour.

"Something definitely must have happened." Ji Ae said under her breath. "And what's so special about that rose? She's so protective about it..." Shrugging, she waved the thought away and turned her full attention onto the new customers that entered the shop. It couldn't be anything serious or important, could it?

If only she had known what that rose meant...

The red rose Kris had given to Juniel was his final goodbye to her, that he was letting her go for good. It symbolized the end, that it was the end of a love that could not be.

First loves are impossible, for first loves are inexperienced.

First loves are impossible, for first loves are loved too much.

First loves are impossible, for first loves are like flowers; young, innocent, and lovely at first, but as time goes by, it wilts, turns gray, and fades away, forgotten. First loves can never be.