Yongguk

Three months.

That’s all I have left- three measly months.

Three months to play, to laugh, to sing, to dance.

And then I’m gone.

I’ve known for a while that I have leukemia. I’ve known that it’s terminal, and that it was a slim chance to survive it- the chemo therapy doesn’t work for me, it never has. But today my doctor told me that I’ll be dying soon, since my body can’t take it anymore. After all these years, it’s finally gotten worse.

I’m scared, Hyung. Really scared. I don’t want to die yet. I’m only sixteen! There’s so much I haven’t had the chance to do, so much I haven’t seen. I want to see the world, to learn what I don’t know, to have the time to grow and find myself as a person like any other teenager would. I’m not ready to leave the world until all of my goals have been achieved and my dreams fulfilled.

But then again, I don’t really have a choice.

I shouldn’t complain, though, because I have it so much better than other people do. I don’t have to deal with bullies, or abuse, or addiction. I have a family that loves me, a roof over my head and food to eat and I have you as my best friend. What more could I want? I should be grateful that my life has been so blessed thus far.

I don’t really know why I decided to tell you by letter. I guess I’m too cowardly to face you and watch you react in person. But letters have an advantage, too, I think – they really allow you to pour your soul onto the page, and that’s what I’m doing. It may not seem like it, but this is hard for me to talk about. I’ve always been very cautious on who I tell because I’m worried people will treat me differently when they find out, and I absolutely despise pity. But I felt like you need to know- if the roles were reversed, I would want to. I mean, four years of friendship have to count for something, right? Then again, I have an inkling we view each other very differently. That doesn’t matter yet, though, I still have lots of time to talk about that later, and that’s what matters.

I hope I didn’t ruin your day too badly.

Zelo

Yongguk

Time has passed so quickly, Hyung. So fast, too fast. I can still see the first day of grade school so clearly in my head, how is it possible that my death day has almost arrived? Haha. Dr. Huang tells me not to give up fighting the disease, and that offended me a little. I have no intention of letting this dumb illness win, no matter how slim the chances of success are. I don’t care what they say, there’s always an acception, and it might be me. I am fighting, I can tell you that much.

But it’s growing harder. I’m doing my best, but it’s become increasingly difficult to just do average things. I’m trying, honest, but I can tell that the end is close. The days seem to have gotten shorter and shorter, as all I can seem to do now is sleep- I’m exhausted all of the time. That’s sad, isn’t it? I’m a mere couple of weeks from dying and all I can do is sleep. What a waste of time, haha.

But don’t confuse my body’s reactions with my mind. I am going to draw this out as long as I can. I have my motivations, and I will fight as strong as I can for my own reasons. I won’t tell you them yet, though, it’s not necessary and I still have time. Er, enough time, anyway.

Be safe, Hyung.

Zelo

Yongguk

We’re fighting right now. It’s been a while since we’ve fought like this, and I don’t like it. I hate fighting, all of my energy is sapped and I get over things in minutes, whereas you’ll stay mad for months. But I don’t have months.

I know you probably didn’t mean what you said, so I’m not even mad. It was true, anyway. I know by the time you read this things could be done and over with but just in case, I’m sorry, Yongguk.  I don’t want to annoy you. I’ll give you space. I’ll stop calling and texting so much. I’ll leave you and Ailee alone. I’ll even pretend we don’t know each other in front of your older friends, just like you asked. But please, don’t leave me alone. I need you, hyung. You’re not mine, and you never will be, but I need you.

I love you, hyung.

 I don’t want to, believe me. I’ve tried to stop, but it’s your fault for being so nice to me. You’re the sweetest guy I know. I can come to you anytime, for anything, and you’ll listen, no matter what it is, no matter how embarrassing I can be. You humor me, and take care of me. You always have.  You make me soup when I’m sick, and dry my hair when it rains. You taught me how to cook and you got me understand math by helping me with my Algebra Two homework. You quiz me on history when I have tests coming up and help me babysit my sisters whenever my mom asks me to, without me asking, even if you had plans. You sneak over to my house late at night every Wednesday to watch the latest episode of Running Man with me and you come over to clean my house with me every Friday for hours just so I can spend the night at your house and write stupid raps no one else will ever hear but us, since they .  You’ve given and done so much for me, how could I resist? How could I not love you? It’s so hard not to. You’re the person I always aspired to be when I was growing up- so affectionate and caring and understanding. I couldn’t help it.

But then, almost five months ago, you started dating Ailee, your dream girl. Tall, thin but toned, curvy- she’s absolutely beautiful. Her looks drew in all of the guys’ attention, but her personality is the real deal. Sweet, cute, quiet, and gorgeous, I don’t blame you for when you started drifting from me to cling to her. Girls like her are a real rarity in the world today, you know? She’s perfect. I can’t hate her, though, she’s too nice for that. She’s popular, I can’t even talk to other people without seeming like an idiot. She’s y and smooth, I can’t even walk up the stairs without tripping. She’s a very eligible girl you can date, I’m not even an option. I’m just a kid.

I’m not accusing you of anything but well justified love, my friend. I’m glad you’ve been so happy lately, honest. I just… I’m very hurt.  Very, very hurt. It’s hard to imagine now, but, what if Ailee and you were as close as we used to be, and then suddenly, she ditched you for someone else? I would rather be friends and love you in secret than lose you altogether, which is why I kept quiet all this time, but I guess it was in vain, since it didn’t work. That’s sort of ironic, isn’t it? Haha. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound so bitter.

I promise I’ll be good, hyung. I’ll leave you alone and do whatever you ask. Can you please come back? I need you.

Can you forgive me?

Zelo

Yongguk

It’s been almost two weeks since we’ve last talked. It’s killing me, we’ve never gone so long without speaking before. I hate it.

You and Ailee seem to have gotten even closer with me out of the picture. It must be easier for you both now if I don’t constantly interrupt you two. I can see you guys holding hands proudly as you walk down the hallway, smiling shyly at each other.

I won’t lie, that is painful to watch, but I guess I won’t have to watch much longer anyway. I have maybe two weeks left, tops.

I wish that you’d at least acknowledge me. Meet my eyes. You can scoff, frown, scowl, hit me, anything. But don’t just brush me off as if I’m nothing. That makes me feel so worthless and insignificant. It doesn’t  really make sense for me to get upset over that, I guess, since fate is fate and destiny has set its morbid course already. I t won’t matter soon.

I want to die at peace. I want you to hold my hand and dry my tears, right by my side. I want you to hug me and soothe me and tell me how you love me. There’s so much I wanted to do that I won’t ever get the chance to. If you ever did come around, it’ll already be too late, I know that. And that isn’t your fault, I mean, I’m the one who hid this from you.

But I want to hug you one last time, if I can. In my head, I’ve replayed the scene again and again. I confess to you, shyly, bravely; and you accept happily, taking my chin softly and forcing my timid eyes meet your joyful ones. You’ll gain the courage to lean forward and brush your lips to mine, gently, sweetly,  and then it’s fair game, and I can pull you to me, keeping you trapped there with my arms looped around your neck and my fingers secured in your hair.

I’m a weird kid, I know. But that’s what I want more than anything else, even if I know I can never have it. It’s just wishful thinking.

, time for Chemo. I don’t really understand why I still have to go if it’s common knowledge that it doesn’t work, but if it eases my Mom’s worries, then I guess it’s alright.

Zelo

Yongguk

I’m scared, Yogguk. I feel like I’m suffocating inside, seriously about to die. I’m really scared. I’m not ready for this yet. I’m not old enough to die! Why can’t I grow up like everyone else? Why did I have to get sick? What did I do wrong?

I miss you, Yongguk. I don’t want to die alone. I’m terrified of death, hyung. I can’t help but wonder how painful it is, or how long it’ll take. I don’t want to do it alone. I’m scared of the answers.

Pray for me

Zelo

Yongguk

I remember when I was diagnosed as a child, only about nine. It was pretty scary to hear, because even if I didn’t know what leukemia was, the way my mother was sobbing hysterically into my father’s shoulder gave me the indication that it was serious. I’m so lucky to have made it this far, because many leukemia kids don’t.

I think I’ve finally come to terms with what I’ve been given, even if I’m still scared. I think I’m going to be okay, in a mental sense. I can’t really estimate how much time I have left anymore, so I think this letter will have to explain what I’ve been trying to say this whole time. Hopefully this should explain everything.

I’m so glad I met you, Yongguk. You truly changed my life for the better. You’ve graced me with so many happy memories that I’ll reminisce about for as long as I can manage, maybe even after death. I’ll never forget any of it- the times we laughed together, and played together, and just enjoyed each other’s company. The times we went to the park, and the mall, and the movies, and ate too cold pizza. It’s all a blur of colorful encounters that are etched into my brain, and maybe even yours too. I cherish them all, even the bad things. Even the agonizing pain I still feel from loving you. It hurt s so badly that sometimes I can’t breathe right, as if my heart is literally breaking. I think I hate her, and even the thought makes me hate myself ten times more, since she doesn’t deserve it.  I’m just jealous.

I miss you, Yongguk. Too much to put into words, especially since I’ve never been too good with them. It’s so frustrating that I can’t properly express my feelings for you via pen and paper, as that’s all I’ve got. But it doesn’t matter. My point is, you gave me reason. You’re written into my heart, whether you accept it or not. I don’t expect you to reciprocate my feelings; I’m not stupid, I’ve known it’ll never happen even when I fell for you. But I still love you, and I wouldn’t change that even if I had the chance. It wasn’t a storybook happy love, entirely, but I’m very content- if you’re happy and smiling and inlove with Ailee, then I’m glad for you. My feelings aren’t as important.

I do regret not telling you back when you started dating Ailee. Maybe then you would’ve acted differently, but then again, maybe not, so it’s no big deal.

Yongguk, I love you. So much. I love the way sunlight passes through your hair and the deepness of your voice even when it cracks in the morning and the way you know how I like my coffee and I know how you like yours.  I love everything about you, in earnest. I love the protectiveness and aggression, I love the care and the anger. I love it all.

You’ve made this so much easier on me.

When we met all those years ago, I wanted to just end it, since I was to die anyway. But you, you brightened everything I saw, illuminating the way to an enjoyable few years. You lightened my burden and eased my pain considerably. I used to be so alone, Yongguk.  Even if we haven’t been together lately, you have still been there for me up until now and I don’t want to leave you yet.

I know it’s selfish, but I wish you would come by and see me one last time before I go. Have you noticed that I haven’t been to school in a while? Probably not, we didn’t run into each other much anyway because of the grade difference- first years and third years are in completely corridors- though you seem to be with Ailee a lot, and she’s a second year. Ah, who knows. Who cares, is more like it.

I just want to hear from you one more time. With all that’s been going on lately, it’s not possible. The fighting, Ailee, school, chemotherapy.  We are both busy guys, so it’s understandable by my standards. I hope you get the feeling to see me soon because I know it’s close. And I’m still frightened. I think it’s the fact that I don’t know what death is like that scares me the most, and that I don’t want to die alone. I can’t tell mom- she is delusional, thinking I’m improving, and I don’t have the heart to just tell her flat out that she’s dead wrong. I am okay with dying, I guess, but I really don’t want to experience it by myself. It’s scary, but I’ll just cross my fingers and hope for the best. Who knows, maybe it’s not as bad as it seems to be.

I feel pretty guilty for having kept this all a secret this whole time, but it was necessary. I didn’t want you to treat me any differently just because of leukemia. So hopefully you’ll find these letters someday, and read them, and really understand.

I love you, Yongguk, and it might be irritating for me to say it again and again, but just in case I don’t get the chance to do it anymore, I love you, I really do. Be happy, okay? Remember me and live life to the fullest for both of us.

I’m sorry

Zelo

A/N: unedited

hope you guys liked it. 

I was pretty depressed while writing it because I get really into it until my characters become real, and Ive lost a real person.... It sounds crazy, I know xD

Anyway, thanks for reading~! I hope it wasn't too bad ^^