27 December 
Hi.... so my friend, junho got me this black classic diary with a vintage W print on the cover as an 8 months late birthday gift. How corny. He told me to write it daily to keep track of my life..? My life is boring though. I'm not a diary type of person so... I'll see how it goes. Do people even do introductions in a diary? Not like anyone is going to read it anyways.

28 December 
School has been okay, but in the hallway today I saw this suave looking guy arranging his locker. He was tall, skinny and good looking. Very good looking. I remember looking at him and thinking..why am I so chubby? My cheeks...ugh. I don't know if it's even right since I'm a boy and I care about my weight so much. I don't know.

29 December
Went out with chansung today for ice-cream. I tried my best to avoid it but he was so persistent. I feel fatter than ever now, sigh. I could feel my cheeks expanding, if it was even possible. 
I saw that guy in the hallway again. I never saw him near any cafeteria or anywhere except the hallway. I took more than another glance at him today. I feel like a ert. ..Why am I even writing this?

30 December
I skipped lunch today. I told junho and chansung I have to find our professor because I couldn't understand a certain part of our module. I got out of it somehow. I am determined to drop some weight.

2 January 
It’s been a few days since I wrote. I knew my attention span was short. I'm not even sure why do I feel sorry not writing. Things have been cool recently. School is... just school. Typical school day. Nothing much happened. I didn't see the hallway guy recently though. I think he became my permanent eye candy. 
I got out of every lunch period there was lately. I'm getting good at this. Junho complained I wasn't spending enough time with them though but I shrugged it off. Dinner was hard to skip because my mother loves stuffing me with food. 
Maybe I should consider dormitory?

3 January 1pm
Finally Saturday is here. Mother brought me to this soka talk thing. Apparently she said it would make my life better. She brought me to the second level to have breakfast first. I said I wasn't a breakfast type of person so I'm not having any. She looked at me suspiciously though but I gave her a convincing smile while acting like I was busy on my phone. I'm not even tempted when she laid the table with noodles and my favourite chicken. I'm doing good.

8pm 
Finally, everything is over. It was so boring, they could talk for 3 hours and I'm not even kidding. There was rules as well. I hated it. 
My schedule was pretty packed after that soka event though because my mother brought me shopping. I had to tag along since I couldn't drive.

Mental note: get a driving license. 

I played around with my food during dinner just now. I put small amount of it into my mouth however I didn't swallow. I feign a cough and spitted it on a tissue. I did it in intervals, I'm a ninja. Have to admit, I’m pretty proud of my skills. My mother didn't even notice.

4 January 
I got dragged to a dinner with my relatives today. Since I know I probably won't get away not eating anything, I starved myself for lunch and breakfast. I told my mother I would be having them outside since I had to go to the library. 
Back to the point, they served a lot of food in this restaurant we were dining at. It was never ending. My uncle keep placing food in my bowl. I didn't want to come off as rude so I ate them all. I feel bloated, stuffed and fat. Fat.

5 January 
I exchanged glances with the guy today!!! He gave me a smile. What a day. ^0^

6 January 
Today I looked in my mirror and I saw my t shirt hanging a tad loosely off my shoulder. Nothing too major but to be quite honest it made me rather happy.  
I went for lunch with chansung and junho, which I'm going to write them as C and J from now on because I'm lazy. I didn't eat anything and told them I'll be fine with just apple juice. C looked at me as though I killed someone, he was shocked at how I could resist food. Couldn't blame him though, he's a pig that will never gain weight no matter how much he eats. I swear J was judging me though. Whatever.

7 January 
J caught me staring at the hallway guy today so I asked him casually if he knew his name. Apparently he was called Nichkhun. So foreign and unique was the first thing that came to my mind. But well, at least now I knew his name. That's a good progress.
Oh another thing, I asked my mother about staying in the school dorms over dinner and I could see she was considering my suggestion. Yay, there's hope! I made sure I ate a lot during dinner so it would not be suspicious. It better pay off considering how many calories I sacrificed.

8 January
Woke up at 4am to run when my mother was still asleep. It was good, I felt light and free, but not light enough. I had slight pains by my tummy while I was running...hmm..

School was a drag. I feel tired and dreary. J commented on how bad I looked. - I didn't need any reminder so I threw him the worst look I have.

9 January 
I spent my day sleeping through lessons. No idea why I was so sleepy, the day was such a drag. Walked passed my singing classmate, minjun (M) at the corridor during lunch and he glanced at me from head to toe. What was his deal? 
Mental note: ask him about it during class next week.
Lunch with J and C was okay, think they are getting used to me not having anything other than juice. 
Mother said I could move into the dormitories! Which only means only one thing- freedom. Hooray. I went to the office earlier to attend to dorm paper works.
Oh and I remembered one of the terms so clearly,

Term #7: We will not held responsible if the tenant got into any form of incident in the premises of our dorm. Tenant's guardian or parents will have to compensate if any of our items are damaged caused by the incident.

- I remember totally scoffing when I read that. I can totally be killed and still have my parents pay for anything damaged. But then again, what could happen?

12 January 
Didn't write recently because I was busy packing my stuffs to move to my new "home". I finished most of my paperwork and I could see that my mother was a bit reluctant. 
Oh right, my diet. It is still going good. I had only one piece of popcorn yesterday (which was forced into my mouth by C at the movies yesterday) and that's about it. I feel light and fluffy today. The day is going good.

13 January 1pm
Moving in to the dorms today. My mother hugged me for a very long time. She told me to eat well (I'm eating well alright.) Even my dad spoke more than a few words to me. Why are they acting like I'm dying oh lord. I'm just moving into my school. Oh wells, whatever suits them best?

5pm 
Finally settled in to my room. It was painted black and white, if not for the awkward shade of blue on the panel of the wall, it would almost seem like a cell. I'm not even kidding. On the bright side, I have the room all to myself. Seems like dorms in our school isn't the in thing yet. Not like it matters to me anyways.

16 January
Finally settling into this new sleeping environment. The air condition is especially cold at night though, or is it just me. I can feel chills to my bones as I write this. Cold. Oh right about Nichkhun...which I prefer to call hallway guy, I haven't been seeing him lately. Sigh pie.
Food log today because I feel like it:
2 mouthful of juice // convinced J it wasn't a juice type of day for me 
1 chocolate the professor gave which I have to eat because apparently he was staring at me.

That's all. Probably about 150calories in total? Fat. Sigh. I'm going to go for a jog now. 5km go go!

19 January 
Normal days pass nothing interesting to write... my days are getting dull. I feel a little depressed today I'm not sure why.

24 January 
Hallway boy asked me out!!!!!!! He said to meet him for dinner tomorrow. Though I was actually not supposed to eat any dinner which became my number 1 rule since I moved into the dorms, I guess I could fake my way out of it somehow.

25 January 4pm
Stepped onto the weighing machine for the first time in my entire life. Just curious about it. I could see changes in my cheeks, it wasn't as chubby as before but I still feel fat. 
I weigh 60kg. Okay mixed feelings. 
Have to go prepare for my dinner date now. Write you later xx

11pm
He brought me to some posh restaurant! We had expensive steak. He offered to pay I couldn't reject. He has this thing about him that makes him so mesmerising. He was from Thai and apparently we will be taking the same modules next semester onwards! Cool. 
I am feeling really nauseous now. Body probably couldn't accustomed to the sudden food instead. Need to puke bye.

28 January
Everything about today was horrible. 
Lectures are horrible.
Cafeteria food smells are horrible.
J was being a ho today.
Walking to and fro from the dorm is horrible.

29 January 
MinJun sat with us at lunch today which conveniently reminded me I hadn't asked him about the look he gave me weeks ago. My memory is getting bad to worst. He sat opposite of me and he looked as if he knows I'm skipping my meals. There's this comforting glance he throws at me. I avoided eye contact with him for the rest of meal. 
I have a splitting headache I got to go.

1 February

Bawled in the toilet today I don’t even know why. I think I have some issues.

4 February 
My pants couldn't fit me anymore, it was too loose. 
Mental note: visit the thrift shop (it’s the in thing right now apparently)

5 February 
56Kg.

6 February 
I feel sad and horrible I need to run now like now.

7 February 
I feel sleepy and tired today. I totally let myself loose last night and ran like no other. And it wasn't like I needed to. 
J commented today that I lost a lot of weight and C added that my chubby cheeks are gone. 
Assa!

10 February
I feel sick I'm going to sleep. An apple today because hallway boy was the one who offered me to me. He smiled at me so charmingly it was so hard to resist I had to eat the apple in front of him. 
He had this worried look on his face but I don't want to think about it.

11 February 4pm
Hallway boy approached me again today, with something more than just an apple. He gave me a lunch box, and our conversation went mostly like this, 
H//N: this is for you. 
Me: ah it's alright, I'm full, really. 
H//N: eat. 
And he totally just pushes the lunchbox into my hands and walks off. 
The lunchbox is staring right back at me right now since I sat it down in front of me. I don't even know if I'm considering to eat that.

7pm 
Okay fine I opened the lunchbox just now and it was totally homemade. I wonder if he made it himself. 
Had a few mouthful considering he was so sincere. Oh right, I just got informed that that I will have a roommate coming in tomorrow morning since it was a Saturday. Abrupt end because I'm tired. Good not yet night.

12 February 
Roommate name is taecyeon. He was a tad bulky and charming in his own way. Most importantly, he was nice. And I like nice people.

16 February 
Everything’s good. Roommate is considerate and we even came up with our personal fist bump greeting whenever we see each other. Though sometimes he hits too hard and I fall over. I don't know if it's just me though...because he claims he bumped it only very lightly. Hallway boy tells me to eat more.

19 February
Hi.

20 February 
Lunch with grandma and parents tomorrow. It’s been long since I saw them. Miss my grams.

21 February 
lunch with them was fine. Grams kept staring at me though, ensuring I was putting food into my mouth and down my throat. She hugged me exceptionally tightly this time round and didn't called me youngie warmly like she usually did. Just when I thought she didn't love me anymore she whispered 'I still love you' sadly as though she knew what I was thinking.

I puked out my lunch when I reached back at the dorms. I swear it wasn’t intentional, my stomach is just rejecting food. 
Taecyeon kept checking in on me at the toilet while I puke to ensure I was fine. I know he was being concerned but I couldn't help but to side eye a little. 

26 February 
Holidays are coming yay. ^0^ Walked passed minjun in the cafeteria today and he gave me a faint smile. Uhuh.

1 march 
Slept in on my first day of holidays. I felt more groggy then usual so I made the effort to cook some vegetables for lunch. At least I'm eating, right? 
Vegetables didn't stay in my system for long though.

4 March 
Sometimes I feel like a preggy.

5 march 
Went out with hallway boy today and he kept stuffing me with food whenever he could. I swiftly avoided most of them but the hardest was the seasoned chicken. 
Thinking about it now makes me guilty I'm going to run another 3km. And yes, I just ran 3km just now as well.

7 march 
I'm going to write hallway boy as nichkhun from now on. I'm feeling affectionate today.

8 march 
Mother came to check in on me at the dorm today. She had this really disappointed look and told me to come back home for the holidays. 
I think she knows.

11 march 
Eat – was what my father told me over the lunch table. I've moved back a few days before cause my mother threatened to cancel my dorm contract for the next semester. 
Oh they sure knew.

15 march 
They have been feeding me so much food for the past few days I lost count of my calorie intake. .

16 march

Oh nothing much, just crying because I know I have gained weight.. ha..ha..ha.

18 march
I managed to skip lunch today! Apparently they let me off probably thinking after days of feeding me I'm back to the “me” they want.
I'm not sure how I made that sentence come off as.

19 march
Been texting nichkhun lately as well which I had forgotten to mention. Or rather prefer not to, since half of his text to me was asking if I had eaten. 
Stop.

23 march 
59.5kg. my life. (I found the weighing machine hidden in the corner of our store room) How did I even gain so much. I want to cry.

25 march 
Last family dinner, with my grams this time.
"Youngie, eat more." Was the only thing I remembered from the dinner. She sure enjoys my weight gain.

28 march 
I'm finally back at the dorms and taecyeon welcomed me with open arms. He said he missed me. Cheesy roomie. Now that I’m back, I must put my weight back into place.

29 March 
Run.

2 April 
Doing some kind of water fast and not even juice now. Miraculously (or I would like to call it) I lost 3kilos in 4days. I'm victorious.

3 April 
Nichkhun and I spent an hour at the rooftop just laying side by side and enjoying the clouds as it floats by. I felt blissful except the occasional pang of pain by my stomach. 

I realized now I can’t even stand looking at food. I think it’s a good thing though. Seeing chansung put food into his mouth make me judge him, like food is something wrong. It shouldn’t even exist.

4 April

Girls and guys by the hallway are checking me out. I can feel it. I’m not sure if I should be creped out or feel happy about it. Most importantly, I’m not sure if they are actually staring…

5 April

I woke up feeling light headed today. I hanged out with Khun (yes I’m feeling affectionate again.) on the benches in our campus. We talked mainly about our family and turns out he misses his so much I feel so bad for him. We made a pact to always be there for each other.

Met up with J and C for a session of Fifa at night. It had been long since I last saw them because I basically coop myself in my dorm whenever I had no classes or hang out with Khun. They were getting mad that I didn’t even hang out with them during the holidays so I had to make it up to them. C and I was a team since J like to win (if he actually does) all by himself and claims it. At some point of time, Taecyeon even came join in, defeating J smugly.  

We spent the night chatting away and enjoying some movies.

Today was awesome.

8 April

Went out with khun to the newly opened museum today. I almost fainted halfway. I’m so embarrassed now since he caught me before I fell. I could see his worried flushed face. I assured him I was fine but I guess it wasn’t convincing enough since he brought me some porridge. He stared at me while I ate.

Swallowing food is such a pain in the . Worse then homework.

9 April

Khun called and asked if I was eating.

Chan and Junho also made an impromptu visit with tons of food. Minjun tagged along as well. By the looks of it, I think khun had been telling them something he shouldn’t.

10 April

Gained 1kg after the food party Chan forced me into yesterday. I’m sad and angry with myself. No school today so I’m going running.

12 April

Not sure what came over me today, I woke up crying. It is signalling a bad day.

13 April

Woke up feeling depressed and pissed off. Downed a cup of water and puked it out immediately after that. What’s its deal?! Not feeling good.

15 April

Sight of food makes me cringe. Went to try out gym cardio instead of typical campus jog today. I knew it was a bad idea. Running and air conditioning together made me sick.

I have a sudden bruise on my right arm too. I don’t remember hitting against any object or colliding into anyone..?

24 April

Life is alright recently. I stepped on my weighing scale this morning before heading to school and wala~ I’m 52kg now! I’m so happy I’m going to run an extra 2km tonight. Yippee.

Oh right, lunch tomorrow with grams and family tomorrow.

Mental note: oversized shirt and heat packs, a lot of heat packs.

25 April

Okay lunch today was a .

We had Chinese for lunch today. Loads of dim sums and what not. I made an extra effort to stuffed heat packs to my stomach to make me look bloated. In addition, I wore baggy clothes and shorts. Grams was staring at me from head to toe and mother had this judgemental look plastered all over her face.

“Are you eating?” she asked.

I said I was. They probably didn’t believe me they kept putting food on my plate. They would look at me each time I put my fork down. It was as though they want me to eat everything.

They even discussed to bring me back home. My baggy clothes sure didn’t help much. Sigh.

26 April

So I got forced to see a psychologist. A professional psychologist, they said. They think their son is crazy. The doctor introduced herself as doctor. She was wearing this collared top with pink stripes and a short bandage skirt. Not sure who was she trying to seduce though. Professional my . She made me stand on the weighing scale the opposite way so I couldn’t see my own weight. I probably gained after that crazy meal and especially when I’m clothed. This is so unfair. I could’ve been a few grams or even a kilo lighter.

After that she started asking me about my diet and food intake. I faked a little saying I normally eat a lot. She probably didn’t believe me though, she had that “are you trying to kid me” look all over her face. Anything to get me out of here. She gave me this printed notebook and told me to write down my daily food intake every day. It has to be 101% honest since my parents would be asked to confirm whether it was true or faked.

She was jotting down some notes diligently. I peeked and I could see her write at the middle of the paper;

Case: Anorexic.

27 April

I got moved back home so my parents could see that I’m eating. I’m approaching a different method this time. I will vomit out whatever I eat. Typically in the middle of the night when they are all sound asleep.

28 April

Minjun: they found out? How are you?

Me: how did you even know?

Minjun: I can see. Every day I would observe and see that you would be sipping on juice only in front of chansung and junho. Every other time you won’t even touch food. I always see you running at an oddly hour. It’s insane how I see you running in the afternoon, and then at night again.

I think I screwed up.

3 May

Visited the doctor today, she was clearly not convinced by my food log, probably because my weight didn’t tally. She was wearing glasses today, not looking anywhere near professional yet.

She asked for a moment with my mother privately so I went outside to wait.

I knew she didn’t say anything nice because when I got home, they locked up the toilet doors. They said to wake them whenever I wanted to use the toilet. Great.

9 May

I had an alternative method. I starved in school. They will probably never know. Junho, chansung and not even nichkhun can control me. I need to fight my own weight.

12 May

I feel depressed, I don’t know why but I cry every night so much. My weight is dropping more than it ever had and I know it since my altered shorts became loose. I faced the mirror and I look pale, like a zombie. My eye bags were heavy and I could see how sickly I look. I look old.

I feel odd, crazy, and nervous. I keep on checking my weight, since I secretly kept one weighing scale in my locker, at least twice a day.  I feel insane. My life is tied down by a measuring scale.

What am I doing with my life?

13 May 3pm

I think people are judging me. My puffy eyes from last night’s bawling definitely didn’t help at all.

9pm

Can’t sleep, and almost naturally, I went to run. In the rain. In tears.   

15 May

I think I need help.

16 May

I had an honest session with my doctor.

She smiled.

17 May

I feel less panicky about my weight. Oh right, I still go to school, if you /notebook/ are wondering. My seat is right next to khun since we share a common module. I spilled everything out to him. He was such a sweetheart. I’m so glad he is there for me.

19 May

My mood is getting better. I don’t feel so nauseous now when I eat. I threw away my hidden weighing scales.

24 June

Sessions with my doctor went smoothly. For the first time since I started starving, I felt genuinely happy. Grams came over to my house today and gave me the longest hug ever. She even joked,

“Now there, no more bag of bones.”

I love you grams.

16 July

Finally, finally enjoying my ice cream again, like I would have, a year ago.

07 November

Last session with my psychologist today. She said I did great for the past months and I’m good to go. I think I’m happy, 10kg heavier.

Oh and guess what? Nichkhun finally asked me to be his boyfriend.