I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing.

 

Its been 2 months since we last spoke, well I wouldn’t exactly call what we did speaking. It was more like you talking at me and me falling to pieces.

 

You told me that you no longer feel the same way you once felt. You felt suffocated around me. That you lost love for me months ago. 

 

That you fell for someone else.

 

---

 

“What about me? What about our promises? What am I supposed to do without you? I love you.” Tears started running down Dongwoo’s cheeks but he made no move to wipe them away. 

 

“I’m sorry.” That’s all Hoya could say. He reached out to comfort Dongwoo but pulls his hand back. Nothing he says now can heal this pain. 

 

“Why? What can I do to fix this? What ever this is, what ever is wrong I can change. I swear please just please don’t leave me like this. You are everything to me I just ... please...” Dongwoo pleaded with his bare knees on the floor trying to figure out how to wake up from this nightmare. 

 

“Please don’t do this.” Hoya says,trying to reason with the distraught man in front of him. “I’ve moved on. There is nothing wrong with you. Its just...” he runs his hand through his hair in frustration.”It’s just that we’ve lost our spark and i’ve found it with him. When I’m with him its like fireworks, and I don’t think its fair-”

 

“FAIR? Fair? You don’t think its fair? That doesn’t even make sense. I can barely see straight trying to figure out what this all means and you mean to tell me that you have already moved on?!?”

 

“Look, I don’t know what else to tell you. I’ll sleep out of the dorm for a while and if you want to switch rooms I won’t stop you  -”, his phone interrupts him,”Hello? Yea I’m almost finished here. Ok I’ll be down in a bit.” He hung up his phone and turned back to Dongwoo. ”He is waiting outside for me. I’m sorry I hurt you. You’ll be ok?” He then closes his duffle bag and leaves the apartment.

 

The next couple of days wasn’t Dongwoo’s best. He was just going through the motions. Rehearsals, vocal practices, photo shoots, interviews were all done at the bare minimum. The rest of the members all knew what was going on with him but they tried to play it off as if Dongwoo was just sick. But one look in his eyes and you would notice that that mischievous glint that was always there was now gone. Even when Dongwoo would try to smile for the cameras the dead look in his eyes would just make him look even more haunted.

The rest of Infinite didn’t know what to do. Dongwoo would only eat when Sunggyu practically force him to and Dongwoo wouldn’t even step foot in his room to sleep. Sungyeol found that out by accident. One night Sungyeol left his room at around 2 in the morning for a bathroom run and got the shock of his life when he saw Dongwoo sitting on a chair by the balcony doors looking out to the Han River with his arms wrapped around his knees. Thinking that Dongwoo must have fell asleep, Sungyeol grabbed a blanket from off the couch and moved to drape it around the sleeping boy. 

“only hyung could sleep in such a weird position.”

 

“Yeollie, I’m not sleeping”

 

“Hyung. You scared me.”, Sungyeol said while clutching at his chest, trying to get his heart rate back down., “ why aren’t you sleeping in your room hyung? 

 

Dongwoo just shrugged. “It’s easier.”

 

It scared Sungyeol to see his normally loud and childlike hyung so checked out. He couldn’t remember a time when Dongwoo was so quiet. “Hyung, are you ok? Do you want to talk about it? I don’t know if I’m as good as the others but I still want to help you. I don’t like seeing Hyung this way.” 

 

Dongwoo didn’t move and continued to stare at the river, “Go to sleep Sungyeol-ah.” That was all he said.

 

Not wanting to cause any further stress on Dongwoo he replied, “Ok hyung but you get some rest too. Maybe you’ll feel better in the morning.” Sungyeol went back into his shared room feeling a little lost. He’s never seen Dongwoo so lifeless before. Even when he got sick and was supposed to be on bed rest all of the members had a hard time trying to get him to stay still. He sighed and went to lay in his bed.

 

“Why are you sighing so hard in the middle of the night?” a groggy voice in the dark said from across the room. 

 

“Sorry Gyu-hyung. I didn’t mean to wake you. It’s just Dongwoo hyung.  I just wish there was something we could do to bring back our smiling angel. He is out by the balcony just staring out the window, and when I was talking to him, he didn’t even answer me back he just told me to go to bed. All I know is that I do not like Hoya very much right now.”

 

“Please for the sake of the team; don’t let their personal matters interfere with work. Yes, Hoya could have handle breaking up with Dongwoo better and I will talk with him next time I see him. As far as Dongwoo goes, I will talk to him too. It hurts me to see him and-“, the sound of the electronic keypad from the front door cut Sunggyu off.  “Stay here and get some rest. I’ll go see who did that.” 

 

Sunggyu padded his way out into the living room and saw no one there. He checked the kitchen and bathroom. No one was out there, but someone had to open the door. He then remember that Sungyeol said Dongwoo was sitting by the balcony but a look over there and saw he wasn’t there anymore. Thinking that Dongwoo finally went to sleep in his room, Sunggyu made his way over to the room and cracked the door slightly. The room was empty both beds not slept in. Sunggyu ran back to his room and grabbed his cellphone and jacket and ran out of the apartment. Where would Dongwoo go at this time? He called Dongwoo’s phone but only got his voicemail. Trying to figure out where the heartbroken boy would go Sunggyu started messing around with his phone only to remember that Dongwoo’s phone should still have the GPS activated on it. Thank goodness the CEO told him to do that secretly for all the members. Looking at his phone he sees that Dongwoo was headed toward the Han River. Sunggyu flags down a taxi and hopes that he can bring back the boy without any problems.

 

Once Sunggyu got to the Han River he looks again at his phone and notices that the GPS is no longer useful because it only works in about a .5 mile radius. Sunggyu starts walking down the path for a while and finally sees the man he is looking for. He looks at the clearly distraught man and sees that he is crying. Dongwoo was crying so hard that the only thing holding him up was the grip he had on the rail that separated him and icy river below. He was so immersed in his grief that he didn’t even realize when Sunggyu pried his hands off the guardrail and wrapped him in a hug. Sunggyu started whispering words of comfort to help calm the man in his arms. Dongwoo started to talk back to him but he couldn’t hear him because his voice was being muffled in Sunggyu’s chest. Sunggyu pulled back a bit to hear what was being said, and what he heard frightened him.

 

“I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to keep going. I’m so sorry. It hurts too much. I can’t… I just can’t anymore… I can’t…” Dongwoo started to hyperventilate. Sunggyu placed his hands on the sides of Dongwoo’s face and placed his forehead to the other boys. If it worked to calm the boy when he was too hyper then it should work now. Right? 

 

“Listen to me. You have to stop hurting yourself over him. He’s an idiot for leaving you. You have to get better and show him that your better off without him.” Sunggyu whispered to Dongwoo.

 

Dongwoo blinked hard finally acknowledging his leaders presence. He stared back into the leaders small eyes and allowed himself to feel the peace wash over him. He took a deep breath after some time had passed and without breaking eye contact he whispered back, “Its so easy to say these things but I can’t stop feeling like this. I’m not better off without him. I can hardly breathe without him. I keep hoping that this is just a dream that when the sun comes up the next day he’ll be back with me. I was waiting up for him to come though the door and cuddle with me telling me about how much his day without me. God I’m such an idiot. He’s moved on living life and I’m stuck here feeling sorry for myself, I’m so pathetic.”Dongwoo breaks down crying again and Sunggyu catches him in his steady arms. 

 

“Shh, you are not pathetic you are just hurting right now and you’ll be ok. I’ll be here to make sure of that. It’s ok to feel like this right now. I know how about some ice cream? Yea a tub of ice cream and a movie. Lets go home.” 

 

---

 

Sunggyu got the ice cream out of the fridge and they sat on the couch watching a movie. While Dongwoo stared at the screen and Sunggyu watched different emotion play across Dongwoo’s face. 

 

Dongwoo still thinking about Hoya, he was not paying attention to the movie. 

 

They say bad things hapen for a reason. What ever that reason was it didn’t stop the self doubt from creeping in. I must not have been enough, not attentive enough, not old enough, not caring enough, not mature enough,not a good enough boyfriend. I just don’t know what happened and -

 

“Yah! Stop it right now.”, Sunggyu’s voice cut into Dongwoo’s thoughts. Dongwoo looked up at him and thought How does he even know what I’m thinking?

“I know what you are thinking because I know you. You are not to blame for Hoya being a . You are perfect in every way. You gave yourself to that bastard mind body and soul and for some reason it still wasn’t enough for him. I swear I will never understand what he found lacking. If I was him I would never even let you out of my sight, much less have anytime to look at other people. Goodness Dongwoo,it breaks my heart to see you so torn up about this. I just want you to smile again.”

 

Dong woo looked up at Sunggyu, who some time during his mini rant started pacing. “do you mean it? It is not my fault? How do you know? I know I am far from perfect. Hoya was better at everything we did together. Dancing,rapping, singing, looks, hell he even acts. I am lacking in every way. And it’s not Hoya’s fault. He fell out of love with me. You can’t control someone’s heart. So don’t blame him.”

 

Sunggyu was in shock. This man was truly a fallen angel. He has already forgiven Hoya for breaking him. Had it been Sunggyu who was dumped like that he was sure he would have reacted violently, but this man sitting next to him has forgiven and still is putting his now ex on a pedestal.  

“No, you are wrong. You, who didn’t need years of training to dance, who works harder than everyone else to train his voice for every song we sing, who makes writing raps look easy. Hoya is a fool if he thinks he can find someone as expressive and fun as you. You wear your heart on your sleeve and your laugh is contagious. Everyone who meets you can’t help but love you. When you dance it is so y the way you move and the look in your eyes always gives me goose bumps. But I love you best when you’re laughing.  When you laugh I know all is right in the world. My world is at ease when you’re laughing. I just want my happy Dino-woo back.” Sunggyu grabbed Dongwoo’s shoulders and hugged him tight. They eventually fell asleep with Dongwoo’s head resting in Sunggyu’s lap.