It was hot and stuffy. You could hear the screaming from the impatiently waiting fans around us. I hurried through the darkness on stage for the next performance. At the certain place I stopped and tried to concentrate on the following. Normally I enjoyed standing here up on stage and danced to the cheering of the fans –even though they were not directed to me. I saw Changmin passing me to reach his place; a chair on a smaller stage which was closer to the audience. He was not able to perform due to his injuries. So, the other choreography had to take place and that meant, I had to dance with Yunho. His picture appeared in my head and stabbed me right into my heart. It was always me having such a precious luck… The feelings suddenly came up when the music started to play und I swallowed it quickly.

Catch Me, Girl!
Catch Me Now!

Catch me if you wanna
Catch me if you wanna
C-C-C-C-Catch me if you…

The light blinded me for a moment but my seeing came back faster than I had expected it. Well, for the first part of the dance I did not really need it. It felt incredibly sliding in the different moves and moving the body suitable to the music. It was really liberating and like every time I completely forgot about the thousands of people who watched me.

And suddenly he stood in front of me. Appeared out of nothing. Yunho looked deeply in my eyes while he dances around me. I even winced at his view, though I had danced the choreography so many times before that it actually should not disturb anymore. But it was different. Today it was different. He seemed to be different. His look was different.

You’ve never opened your heart to me, not even once
I feel like I’m looking at a wall, you know that?

He just not simply sang it, not as always. His eyes did not look at me in this acted, hurt and angry, way. It all seemed so real. For a moment I forgot to breathe and gasped for a breath while Changmin proceeded with his lines.

You’re next to me but I’m even lonelier tonight tonight tonight
I waited for you but this just isn’t it so now I’m leaving you

Even now Yunho looked at me continuously. He glared at me, as if he tried to reproach me something. As if he tried to bring me down to my knees while making me a bad conscious.

This fool can’t even tell me not to go
Why did I only look at this fool, at pitiful you?

I tried to talk me into that he did not mean me. That today he just performed really well. But I could not stop my head, and my heart even more. Don’t overdo it, I admonished myself, but I could not help it. It hurt, it confused me, but luckily my body was moving automatically in terms of dancing.

Yunho was standing a few steps away from me, his eyes were still on me. This glance I had never seen before. I had never seen him this angry, disappointed and hurt at the same time adding it’s intensity. It made me feel totally uncomfortable, even when I did not see him staring at me, I felt this terrible sight clearly on me.

Baby Catch Me. Catch Me. Catch Me, Girl, Tonight.
Before I leave (I’m serious, I’m serious)
If only you held onto me, stopped me, cried, hit me and told me the reason
(I’m serious I’m serious)

He reached out his arm towards my direction as if he wanted me to come to him. Just a little piece that had been added to the normal choreography by him. My thoughts rushed, what should I do? How should I react to this? My legs got their own mind. First they made a cowardly step to him but then I turned around rapidly and made two steps in the opposing direction.

Oh, I don’t know if I’ve been deep inside your heart or not
That’s what I’m curious about – Before I get too tired, tell me, tell me, answer me

Suddenly he stand again closely behind me –like the choreography said. I turned around slowly and did not want to see this face but I had no other opportunity. It nearly took my breath away and stabbed me heavily in my chest. What was the meaning of this? Was he really serious? “Tell me, tell me, answer me” he whispered next to my ear while Changmin was singing the same lines with all of his heart. Why was he acting like this?

Time will tie you to that spot right there
Don’t let me go, you’ll regret it – stop being so foolish

This fool can’t even tell me not to go
Why did I only look at this fool, at pitiful you?

For a while, I felt like I was filled with you, I remember those happy memories
Don’t forget that there isn’t anyone to wait for you like I have – no!

He held me tight and fondled my arm, my back and then he caressed my cheek with the back of his hand.

That thousands of screaming fans were crowded around us, I had totally forgotten. As well that we were performing on a concert, even Changmin who sang so unbelievable emotionally to give a unforgettable performance not far away from us. He was just the other part that completed the song next to Yunho’s singing. Only he and I dancing to the music where there.

I want you to beg for me so I’ll wait for you
Tell me, “Don’t ever leave me”
You’re too slow but I’m only looking at you till you make up your mind – why?
I want you to beg for me so I’ll wait for you
Tell me, “Don’t ever leave me”
Fool, why did I love you? I only have you – why?

I noticed that we neglected the choreography. He had stopped and I accommodated to him automatically. He was just standing in front of me, looked me right in the eyes and sang every line to my head –no matter if he was singing or Chanfmin- as if he was totally serious. That could not be imagination but I hoped that it was. My nerves were racking. I got panic and wanted to escape. Escape from here, away from his glance, away from the reproach only I seemed to notice.

Was he angry with me? Because I had rejected him? But that had been weeks ago and in the meantime everything had been normal… Also I had not rejected him by choice. And moreover, I had explained myself and asked if he had understood and was ‘okay’ with the justification and if everything could proceed as ever. And he had accepted it… But nevertheless I could not think of another reason for this… even when thousands of questions were just coming right to my mind… Why? Why here? Why now? WAE?!

This fool can’t even tell me not to go
Why did I only look at this fool, at pitiful you?

I felt tears flooding my eyes, a lump appeared in my throat and took my breath away. I had to get out of here.

Baby Catch Me. Catch Me. Catch Me, Girl, Tonight.
Before I leave (I’m serious, I’m serious)
If only you held onto me, stopped me, cried, hit me and told me the reason
(I’m serious I’m serious)

He stood in front of me, my face in his hands so that I had to look at him. Why? Why was he doing this? Was he thinking that it meant nothing to me? Intended he on hurting me? What was his purpose? This was the only logical thing but at the same time I did not want it to be true. It hurt. Not just like a simple cut or a black and blue mark. It was like a wide open wound that did not want to heal and instead became bigger. Suddenly every part of my body hurt and my hearing became worse. I heard everything muted. Stars were dancing in front of my eyes. I could not breathe.

Catch me if you wanna
Catch me if you wanna
C-C-C-C-Catch me if you wanna

The light went out and I rushed from the stage without waiting for anybody. My whole body shivered. The corridors had never seemed so long. I ran and ran to arrive somewhere. Somewhere I could breathe. I had nearly completely lost the control over my legs and so I ran into a wall when I did not get the bend right. I felt the clash but no pain. I just continued running until I reached the glass door to the outer place. I crashed into it because I was not able to break fast enough and gasped a few times for air to push with the last bit of power I had the door open and rushed into the fresh dark night. My legs finally gave in, they could not carry me anymore and I sank on the cold stony ground where I stayed sitting shivering. The tears ran down my burning face. Why? Why? WAE?!