The first memory I have of him is that smile. That goofy, silly, open mouthed smile that even to this day takes my breath away. It took me a couple of months to figure out the gist of him. Even though he appeared to be a simple man, he was far from it, his mind always to complex for me to follow. There was so much to him that he didn’t show.
It took me years before I was finally able to understand him, if not completely, then at least as close as I will ever come to it.

I know what signs to look for. I know what angers him, scares him, and makes him happy. I know all about his need to be close, his fears of being left behind, being alone, of people not caring. He had a good childhood as far as I can tell and I’ve always wondered why he is like this. It got worse after his father died, but I remember it being like this from the start. There is always an incessant need to be acknowledged, and behind his sometimes spoilt exterior lays nothing else then a person who never wanted anything other then to be close. In Donghae’s case, this longing for closeness fuels his want for physical contact. He has now gotten so used to utilizing skinship as means to show his emotions that this is what he does in any given situation.

When he is sad he needs to be held. When he is nervous a hand on his lower back calms him down again. When he is happy anything goes as long as he gets to hold you.

Anxious, scared, exhilarated, tired, he is forever touching someone. Honestly at first it freaked me out more then I care to admit, but as we grew older together I learnt that these touches, while aggressive at times, are completely platonic and only show that you are one of the few people he trusts completely.

There was a period in our relationship that even now makes me feel ashamed of how I acted. After knowing him for years I started taking notice of things. Things he said, ways he acted in specific situations and it slowly came to my realization that my by then very best friend was most likely biual. It never did bother me, Love in my eyes had never had anything to do with gender, but in some ways I still acted differently around him. There was always this fear in the back of my head that being so close would make him admit to feelings I wouldn’t be able to reciprocate. I’m fully aware of the fact that I distanced myself, shying away when his touches grew to insistent. Still I never stopped loving him. For me he was perfect and I let him know it. I never managed to figure out if I was more afraid of me hurting him or me hurting myself.

He asked me a long time ago,

“Hyukjae… if I was a girl, would you love me then?”

I told him that I loved him as a man and he let out an affronted snort. We both knew what he meant, yet I couldn’t answer him.

Over the years he has gotten to know me better then anyone else, except maybe for Jungsu Hyung. But there are still pieces of my heart that only Donghae can see.

I eventually stopped shying away from him, noticing that this hurt him more then any verbal rejection could ever do. At some point I guess I grew up enough to stop being scared. I simply decided that whatever happens, happens and I would deal with it then, rather than worry about it before hand. I would let my life unfold the way it wanted to.

When he came out I didn’t make a big deal out of it, because for me it wasn’t. I had long since shed all my fears and doubts. It brought us closer and opened up new sides of him for me to see when I thought I had already seen it all. He let me in completely and I had never felt more intimate with someone than I did when those words left his mouth.

When he finally admitted to having feelings for me all I could do was welcome him with open arms. He already owned me, had done for years now, and we both knew it.