If love would result in death, I think I would have died over and over again for you, baby girl. Waking up to you is the best feeling I think that is possible in the whole world. I cannot believe that I’ve gotten into a habit of writing journal entries. Knowing my job, it gets dangerous so maybe, one day you’ll need to read and know how I feel, baby girl. Work gets tough, you know. Sometimes I just wanna run home to you because I think we deserve our time together.

I love waking up next to you so much because, I rarely ever get to. I’m either out of the city or in the office which drives me insane because I want to be with you every second of the day. I hate leaving you alone because there are so many people who want me dead and the only thing that could get me to die or suffer is to lose you, baby.

Baby girl, this may be the last letter, this may not but remember that my love for you is undying. Our time without each other just builds up until we do get to see each other and when we do, I feel as though our love strengthens.

I know, I know baby, I’ve told you that I love you countless amount of times. But I need you to know that every time I did say that, I meant it every single time. It’s not something that just slips from my tongue, or just to start a conversation. I tell you because I may not be able to tell for the rest of my life. I may not be able to tell when I grow old, because maybe, I won’t ever get a chance to grow old.

Why so negative, right? This journal entry is a bit different to the others because now, there are gangs that I need to arrest and I have a really bad gut feeling that maybe...

Actually, don’t worry okay, baby girl? Work’s been so hard lately, because these gangs are just constantly dealing drugs under our noses and we’ve finally found a lead to get to them. To finally stop one in many drug dealing gangs. This is such a dangerous concept that you aren’t even suppose to know. I tell you that I do paper work, I tell you that I train recruits. But really, I’ve been spending the last half year investigating this case.

Don’t be mad okay, baby girl? Boss is coming in. I’m going to end this journal here. I’m heading off to catch some badasses now. Wish me luck, you’ll always be my lucky charm, but I’ll always be your guardian angel. I’ll protect you where ever you are. Fighting!

I shut the diary and sighed. It seemed like this was the millionth time I’ve read it, yet I couldn’t get enough of it. I could just imagine his voice, soothingly reading it to me, chuckling lightly at the bits that he thought were too cheesy. It’s only been about a week, but my life is so different without him. 

Sometimes I’d find myself waiting at the couch for him to come home. But then I’d realize, he’d never walk through that door again. I’d never again hear him creep into the bedroom, afraid that I’d be awake. I really couldn’t cry anymore. The first few days were horrible. I locked myself in our bedroom and sobbed endlessly. I’d stare at the photo frame on my night stand and smile a little through all the tears trickling down my cheek.

Photos of us were everywhere around the house. Every time I lay eyes on a photo, I would be reminded that, this was the man that I loved. The man that was a hero to me and to so many other citizens. I was proud of him. I dated him since he was a senior in high school, until he was a grown man with an incredible job.

Once again, it was a cold night. Maybe it wasn’t cold, maybe I was always feeling cold now. I sat on our bed and gazed into the night sky. The stars were so dim. Maybe they were pitying me. Or maybe they were just as sad as me. It had been exactly been one week since he left me behind in this world of pointlessness. But when I laid eyes on our photo, I gently held it up, caressing his cheeks. 

My finger touched the cold glass screen and I whimpered. It was so cold. The warmth was gone, it was nothing more than coldness. Never in my life will I ever feel his warmth again. My fingers then wandered upon his dark brown hair. Soft hair that no one owned but him. Then slowly, dreadfully, my fingers glided onto his stomach in the picture. 

My heart clenched as my fingers wandered to the spot where he was hit. The side of his stomach, shot into. The shot that claimed his life and turned him into nothing more than a memory to me. I really didn’t remember much that day.

 I remember that it was about eleven thirty at night where his team leader called and said that there was a casualty through out the mission and sadly, he was the only one that was killed. At soon as I comprehended, my vision became a blur from tears. My lips quivered, not because of cold but because of fear. I never wanted him to be taken away from me. At least not like this.

When a tear hit my finger, I realized that I had started to think back. Thinking back was something that I didn’t want to do. It would only make it harder for my scars to heal but I couldn’t stop myself. It took so much effort to put the frame back down, but I did. In order for him to leave with ease and in order for me to move on, I did anything possible to ease my pain.

Hoping and wishing that this was going to work, I got back to his diary and turned to an empty page. With shaking hands, I grabbed a pens and began spilling my heart out to him. 

Hey, you. Are you alright without me? Not missing me too much? Because I miss you indescribably. I have never really directly said these things to you, which I regret, but I want you to know that I am so proud of you. You’ve kept me safe, you’ve kept the citizens of this country safe. Thank you.

 Thank you so much for writing a journal, because if you didn’t, I think I would’ve went crazy without you. I find myself waiting for you sometimes. Sometimes I’d expect you to call me, but you don’t. You can’t. Baby, I would give anything for you to come back to me for a day. I’d do all the things you’d want. I won’t make you wash the dishes, I won’t force you to compliment my cooking. I can’t go on like this. I’m still in a state of shock. I’ve lived with you in my life for so long that now without you, half my heart is gone too. I would give anything in this world to see your smile again. When will we meet again, baby? I sometimes stare at your clothes still hanging on the chair. The clothes that you were going to wear the day after. But you didn’t get past that day.

My hands began to tremble and my handwriting became harsh. Tears were landing on the paper, creating smudge blotches in the words. Biting my lip, I continued to write to him.

I miss you. Now, this just feels like one-sided love. I love you until my insides begin to hurt but I don’t get anything in return because, well, you’re not here anymore, baby. I’m sorry for thinking like this but, I can’t help it. I’m alone now. 

As I pressed a full stop onto the paper, the wind began to pick up. The wind outside began blowing so violently against my window. Was it him? I smiled a little and picked the pen up again.

You’re still you, huh? You are still as impatient as ever to get home to me. I believe you now. You’re my guardian angel. You’ll be with me always, right? I love you, baby. Be well and please smile for me. I can’t see it, but maybe I can feel your cheerful presence around me. I love you. Fighting!