School work could wait; everyone crammed all of their assignments in during the last few weeks of summer anyway. Just a few days after their last day of high school, Sungmin called Hyukjae and asked if he wanted to go with him to the beach and celebrate their transition from high schoolers into university students. Naturally, Hyukjae offered to relay the message to Donghae, their best friend for many years.

 

 

The crisp, salty air washed over them as the waves rolled lazily onto the white sand. The sun was beating down on the patrons of the beach, causing many to retreat under their umbrellas or splash in the cool relief that the ocean provided. It wasn't too crowded, and in a few hours, the beach would be practically empty as night approached.

 

 

Against what some might think, Donghae hated the beach. He disliked how hot it was, how unnecessarily sweaty he got, and how the hoards of people trampled over each other to get the best spot. He also couldn't stand the way sand somehow found its way into every uncomfortable place on his body, leaving him fidgety and itchy until he showered. But the worst thing about the beach, was the water. Despite his beloved nickname of Fishy given to him by Hyukjae, he couldn't swim. He never learned how.

 

But as soon as he heard his red-haired friend's excited voice over the phone and pictured in his mind that adorable gummy smile, there was no way that Donghae could refuse.

 

So there they were, standing on the grainy sand and scanning the expanse of people in search of a place to sit.

 

“Over there!” Hyukjae said, pointing to an empty space on a small dune where the water wouldn't quite reach even at high tide. “Minnie, Hae! Hurry before someone takes it!”

 

 

Donghae stared as his excitable friend nearly went face-first into the sand as he struggled to carry his bag full of snacks and towels as well as the umbrella Sungmin had brought and run at the same time. He smiled absently and went over to help, but Sungmin had already beat him to it. Something pricked inside Donghae's chest as Sungmin shouldered the heavy, pink umbrella and ruffled the younger's red hair.

 

 

Shifting his grip on the cooler he was carrying, the conflicted brunette followed the other two silently.

 

Once they reached the spot, Hyukjae dropped his bag and was gazing, wide-eyed at the ocean in awe. From his expression one would think that he'd never seen it before. Donghae smiled at the red head's enthusiasm, but it soon faded as he noticed that Sungmin had a similar expression on his face, but his wasn't directed at the beach. It was aimed at Hyukjae.

 

 

Trying to figure out why that bothered him, Donghae busied himself with unfolding the blue blanket for them to sit on.

 

“Hae, let me help,” Hyukjae offered. He reached for a corner of the blanket, his fingers accidentally brushing the brunette's. The latter resisted the urge to flinch away at the touch and cover his blushing face. He cursed himself for having such urges when Hyukjae seemed to notice the change in his behavior. “You're face looks a little red. Is the sun getting to you already?” He pressed his palm to Donghae's forehead.

 

 

Donghae gently removed his friend's hand from his face. “I don't know. Maybe.”

 

 

“But we just got here!”

 

 

The brunette smirked and poked Hyukjae's cheek. “Don't whine like a kid. Only Sungmin can pout like that.”

 

 

“Hey! I heard that!” the raven-haired boy who had been preparing snacks shouted over his shoulder.

 

 

Hyukjae laughed, eliciting smiles out of his friends without even knowing it.

 

After they finally got things settled and had a light lunch, Donghae had just sat down on the blanket when Hyukjae collapsed next to him. The boy was fanning his face with his hand and stuck his tongue out. His cheeks were flushed with heat and no amount of bottled water was going to solve it. Even in the shadow of the umbrella, the temperature had increased as the afternoon progressed.

 

 

Sungmin suggested that they go swimming. “There doesn't seem to be a lot of people right now. Come on, Hyukkie, before you overheat on us.” Sungmin discarded his shirt and dragged the pale red head to his feet.

 

“But, Hae...”

 

Both Hyukjae and Sungmin knew that Donghae couldn't swim. Feeling guilty, the younger of the two shook his head stubbornly.

 

 

“I'm fine, really. I'll stay here with Hae. You can go if you want to.”

 

 

Donghae stood up and whacked the boy upside the head. “Don't be an idiot, Hyukkie. You're gonna pass out. I'll come stick my feet in the water.”

 

“All right. Let's go!” Hyukjae cheered, pumping his fist in the air.

 

 

He gripped the bottom of his T-shirt and was about to lift it over his head, but Donghae quickly shot a hand out to stop him. He had seen Hyukjae's body before, obviously since he'd known him since they were eight, and for some reason, the idea of having all of the the people on the beach looking at the boy's milky, flawless skin and delicate curves of slight muscle made Donghae uncomfortable. He was selfish and wanted to keep those images to himself.

 

 

“Leave it,” he whispered.

 

 

“But why, Hae?”

 

 

Think. Think! Donghae's mind screamed at him. “Um...um...you...might get a sunburn! It would hurt to dance later if you got burned, so...leave it on.”

 

“Oh.” Hyukjae dropped the hem of his white shirt and smiled. “Thanks, Hae. I didn't think of that.” He grabbed Sungmin's hand and pulled the older after him while gesturing for Donghae to follow them.

 

 

The raven-haired boy glanced back at Donghae suspiciously. But he put sunscreen on before we came here, he thought.

 

 

Donghae bowed his head and let out the breath he didn't know he'd been holding. He mentally kicked himself for opening his big mouth. The next time he lifted his head, Hyukjae was already sprinting for the ocean. He playfully jumped over the waves that were leisurely splashing on the wet sand. Turning around, he waved at Donghae and cupped his hands around his mouth.

 

“Hurry up, you silly Fishy!” he called.

 

Unable to resist the urge to smile, Donghae jogged to meet his friend.

 

 

For the next hour or so, Hyukjae and Sungmin splashed and giggled in the water like happy five-year-olds, and Donghae trudged through the sand near the water's edge. Of course he felt distanced from them. Every time he looked over at Hyukjae and Sungmin treading water in the sea, he wished that he could join them. For a short moment, he cursed his father for passing away before he taught him how to swim. Feeling ashamed shortly after, Donghae kicked the water and reminded himself that he had over ten years to take lessons but chose not to because it brought back painful memories of his parents.

 

 

He had no one to blame but himself.

 

 

A freezing cold spray of water jolted him out of his thoughts. His head whipped around to see Hyukjae smiling cheekily at him, his hands in the water, ready to splash the brunette again.

 

“You better not,” Donghae warned with a grin, taking a few steps into the water until it was up to his ankles. He bent down and scooped a decent amount in his hands and threw it at Hyukjae who ducked and stuck his tongue out.

 

When he wasn't expecting it, the red head was met with a face full of water. He gasped when Donghae grabbed his shoulder and went to pull away, but an incoming wave made him loose his balance and they both toppled into the water. Donghae stopped himself from crushing Hyukjae under him. That short moment in which he simply stared at Hyukjae's face, his wet hair plastered to his forehead and cheeks, his soaked T-shirt leaving nothing to the imagination felt like forever.

 

 

But then Hyukjae splashed him again, snapping Donghae out of his staring. The red-haired boy seemed unphased by their fall and kept pummeling the brunette with water. Donghae lunged for him again, but this time Hyukjae managed to escape deeper into the ocean and hide behind Sungmin who had been watching the two of them with a guarded expression.

 

 

“Minnie~ Hae is bullying me~” Hyukjae whined cutely, ducking behind the dark-haired boy.

 

 

“You started it!” Donghae shouted from the shore. He gave up and sank into the sand, not caring if the waves washed mud up his navy swim trunks. He was now soaking wet and had barely touched the water. Going back to his sulking, he had no choice but to watch as Hyukjae became absorbed in jumping on Sungmin's back, slowly forgetting that the brunette was there.

 

 

Donghae figured that someone would have to be blind not to see how Sungmin's eyes lit up around Hyukjae. For a while now, Donghae had begun to suspect that the oldest of them had stronger feelings for the red head. And today, well today had really confirmed it.

 

It hurt. Donghae's chest ached. As he stared at the scene of his two friends smiling and laughing far away from him, he realized that he loved Hyukjae. It was the only explanation for why he acted the way he did, why he felt the way he did. And that's why it hurt so much now.

 

 

He glanced over at them, feeling his heart drop to the bottom of the very ocean that surrounded Hyukjae and Sungmin and their bodies that clung to each other as they rode out another heavy wave together in the comfort of each others arms only to laugh when it was over. Sungmin was reluctant to pull away.

 

 

Donghae couldn't force himself to look anymore. He turned his head to the side and stared at the vast sea of blue and green.

 

 

This was just another way that Sungmin was more suited for Hyukjae than him.

 

 

Once it started to get dark, the lifeguards on duty announced that their shift was over and that anyone who remained at the beach was responsible for their own safety. By now, only a few other families were still on the beach. As much as Donghae wanted to go home, Hyukjae had given him those big doe eyes when he suggested that they stay to watch the sunset.

 

It was impossible for him to refuse, so he just sat back on the blanket with a towel wrapped around his shoulders.

 

 

“I want to go swimming again while no one's here,” the red head said. “Please~”

 

 

Sungmin sighed and nodded. “Just be careful, Hyuk. The water's getting higher and it's harder to see you from here.”

 

 

“Yay! I'll be back soon!” Hyukjae waved and ran for the waves.

 

 

The raven-haired boy smiled to himself and sat down next to Donghae. “I swear, if that boy could live in the water, he would.”

 

 

Donghae bit the inside of his cheek. But then, I'd never see him...

 

 

“Donghae, can I tell you something?”

 

 

Caught off guard by the other's serious tone, the brunette smiled. “Of course, Min. What is it?”

 

 

“I think I'm in love with Hyukjae.”

 

 

Pain exploded inside Donghae's chest. This was his worst fear come true. But he had to push it back. He had no claim on Hyukjae, so it wasn't like he could tell Sungmin to back off. “E-Eh?” he stuttered out instead.

 

 

Sungmin turned to him and grinned, his cheeks red with embarrassment. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them. “Just don't tell him, okay?”

 

 

“S-Sure.”

 

 

They sat together in silence until the sky turned orange. The sun was beginning to set and Hyukjae still hadn't come back. Donghae was starting to get worried. Unable to take the anxiety anymore, Sungmin obviously feeling the same thing, both boys stood up in squinted to see where Hyukjae may have swam off to.

 

 

They couldn't see him anywhere.

 

 

Then, a figure in the distance bobbed out of the water and sank back below the surface. When it reappeared, Sungmin and Donghae were already running toward the water that already had the appearance of a burning hell.

 

“Help!” a faint voice cried. “H-Hae! M-Minnie! Help me!”

 

 

Hyukjae was drowning. He had cramped up after swimming out too far and was being tossed around by the current.

 

 

“!” Sungmin cursed, tearing into the waves as soon as his feet touched the water.

 

Donghae was close behind him, but then he stopped. He was barely knee-deep when he stopped moving. His body froze up on him. He willed it to go towards the flailing red head, but it refused to let him.

 

You can't swim, it was telling him.

 

 

I don't care! Donghae shouted back. Hyukkie is in trouble! I have to save him! Move!

 

But he stayed rooted where he stood. Frustrated tears welled up in his eyes.

 

 

Go! I have to save him! I love him! I need him!

 

 

But it was all in vain.

 

 

All he could do was watch as Sungmin dove under the water and swam over to Hyukjae just as the tired red head disappeared under the surface once again. Both relief and jealousy assaulted his heart. The two emotions swirled inside him, bruising his ribs as they caused his heart to hammer against them rapidly. His vision grew blurry as the tears fell and an unknown exhaustion overcame him. He dropped to his knees.

 

Under the water, Sungmin barely managed to reach Hyukjae before he slipped between his fingers. Bubbles drifted from the younger boy's mouth as he had no more air left. In a desperate attempt to save his life, Sungmin pressed his lips to Hyukjae and hoped that any kind of oxygen would be transferred to the drowning boy. To his relief, Hyukjae gripped his arm and pulled him closer, having woken out of his near-death experience.

 

Sungmin pulled the red head to the surface and they both gasped for air. Hyukjae clung to Sungmin and kissed him again, murmuring 'thank yous' in between kisses. As they floated among the slamming waves, Sungmin mumbled a single phrase that changed everything forever.

 

 

“I love you, Hyukkie.”

 

 

A blush crept across both of their faces and Hyukjae smiled widely, showing his gums. He buried his nose in Sungmin's hair—it smelled of salt water—and repeated those same words.

 

 

Still kneeling on the shore, a heart shattered beyond repair.

 

 

*~*~*

 

 

After the incident, Hyukjae and Sungmin announced that they had decided to go out. They wanted Donghae to be the first person who knew because he was their closest friend. As any good friend would, the brunette congratulated them and wished them all of the happiness in the world.

 

Deep down, Donghae tried to tell himself that he meant those words.

 

But who was he fooling? He was lying through his teeth.

 

Then things got way worse.

 

 

Donghae started to torture himself by following Hyukjae around. And where Hyukjae was, Sungmin was right by his side. Donghae saw it all, the linked hands, the innocent kisses, the warm embraces, everything. With each moment, he just bled out more. The knife had already been stabbed into his heart, these things were just twisting the blade deeper.

 

 

Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore. It was evident that he would forever be Hyukjae's best friend. His love for the boy meant nothing. It was hopeless.

 

 

There was just one thing left to do.

 

 

It was raining particularly hard the day Donghae decided to end his pain. He trudged down the street to where he knew Hyukjae was. Once he got to the small cafe that Sungmin worked at, his eyes immediately found the red-haired boy sitting at a table sipping his strawberry milk. Donghae didn't go inside. He simply pressed his palm to the glass window and smiled sadly.

 

 

He couldn't stay there too long because he had some unfinished business to do. Donghae pressed the tips of his fingers to his lips and then placed them over Hyukjae through the window. It was the closest he'd ever get to kissing him.

 

 

The rain was pouring by the time he arrived at the beach. With each step his soaked sneakers left on the sand, the more the pain and frustration built up inside him. By the time he arrived at the water's edge, he was seething, shaking with fists clenched at his sides.

 

 

The waves were just as mad. They howled and curled into snarls as they rose and fell in the distance. Closer to shore they chopped at the sand. They were mocking Donghae.

 

 

And finally, he snapped.

 

 

“Damn it!” Donghae screamed at the top of his lungs at the crashing waves. Even the storm raging around him couldn't wane his anger. “It's all your ing fault that he doesn't love me! You took him away from me! I love him and I couldn't be the one to save him because of you! you! I hate you!”

 

 

Whether he was yelling at the sea or at himself, he didn't know.

 

 

Tears streamed down his cheeks, blending with the salty water trying to swallow his feet. He bit his lip hard enough to make it bleed, the blood relieving some pressure. His world felt like it was spinning in circles. He was numb, but an internal pain coursed through his veins at the same time.

 

 

“Hyukkie... I was always watching you from behind. I loved you and when you needed me to prove it to you, I couldn't do it.” He cracked a bitter smile. “I never deserved you. You love him and I don't blame you. Min hyung will take good care of you. No matter how much my heart cries because of you, it won't do any good. I just wish you knew how much I love you.”

 

 

The wind picked up again, buffeting him with icy rain. The waves of the ocean rose high and slammed into the sand with deadly force.

 

 

“Take care, Hyukkie.”

 

 

Closing his eyes, more tears slipping from their corners, Donghae took the first step into the angry waters.

 

7/6/11