~~~ 

 

A single sob escapes from the back of his throat and he presses his face further against his pillow to muffle the sobs that soon follow. He doesn't want to feel anything, particularly doesn't want to feel sadness but sadness is all he can feel now; he's numb to any other feeling. 

 

The many questions of why run through his mind but none are thoroughly processed, his brain isn't functioning properly, he's exhausted, and he's only able to focus on a catastrophe that he knows as himself. The only thought he latches on to and wholeheartedly ponders on, is the question of why he's alive. He doesn't have a purpose. He's taking up space on earth when it can be given to someone whom he believes will have better reason and purpose for life. 

 

Jongin's usually so caught up in his own self-pity that he often dismisses the presence of Kyungsoo; he does acknowledge Kyungsoo's presence at times though; he makes it a point to regularly lecture himself on how he shouldn't be selfishly clinging onto Kyungsoo. Jongin's anything but dumb, he knows he depends on Kyungsoo more than he should but he needs Kyungsoo. He needs Kyungsoo to give himself the assurance that at least someone, even if only one person, still wants him and maybe even loves him. 

 

"Jongin..?" Kyungsoo says softly, encircling his arm around Jongin's waist as he climbs into Jongin's bed. The night breeze is chillier tonight and so Kyungsoo nuzzles his face against Jongin's back, hoping to get a little of the heat that Jongin's body emits. Jongin moves a little to allow Kyungsoo more space, but he doesn't say a word and instead chooses to keep the silence between them both. Jongin figures anything he says will not come out well, so he keeps mum. He's driven nearly everyone he has loved and a few he still loves, away from himself. He's not sure why, not sure what he's done but people avoid him like the plague, his own family included. The only one he knows has stayed by his side and is still doing so, is Kyungsoo. 

 

Truthfully, Jongin doesn't know what he's done to deserve Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo's too good for him and he constantly reminds Kyungsoo that he should be hanging out with someone else. Someone who isn't as pathetic as he is. He often wonders why Kyungsoo has bothered sticking by him, but he's not gotten the chance to actually question the other about it; his subconsciousness tells him it's best to leave it at that. But tonight he feels brave, and so he decides that he'd ask Kyungsoo the one thing that's been bugging him ever since. 

 

"Why haven't you left me? Why have you stayed?" Jongin breathes shakily; he doesn't know if it's because his face is pressed up against his pillow and he's lacking oxygen or if it's because he's actually afraid of hearing Kyungsoo's answer. 

 

Because I love you. I love everything that you are. I love your smile, the scars on your back. Everything. I love it all. Kyungsoo wants to scream these words at Jongin's face, maybe even punch the younger so it'll sink in. But the tense air about them has Kyungsoo heaving out a tiny breath, and he recognizes the tension between them as fear on Jongin's part. He mildly wonders if it's fear of the commitment that would follow, or simply his fear of being loved. Kyungsoo has a strong gut feeling that it's the latter. 

 

"Because it feels right." Kyungsoo decides to forego his confession and instead blurts out what he thinks would better suit Jongin's list of acceptable responses. 

 

"Then you're stupid to think it's right because it's not. Nothing is ever going to be right with me." Jongin replies sardonically, chuckling as he turns on his side and watches Kyungsoo warily, as if afraid Kyungsoo is a fiction of his imagination and would disappear if not closely watched. 

 

"I don't think it's right, Jongin. I know it is. I feel it whenever I'm with you." Kyungsoo mumbles as he reaches a hand out to run his thumb down the tear streak on Jongin's cheek. 

Jongin draws a slow steady breath and heaves a sigh. He's miserably confused with what he should do. He wishes Kyungsoo wou;d stop being nice to him , because then at least he has a legitimate reason to end his life. But he also wants to bask forever in the love that Kyungsoo showers him with. He will never admit, but having Kyungsoo by his side makes things better; only slightly better.

 

He isn't sure what to make of their current relationship, hence his Facebook profile reads a it's complicated, but he knows clearly that Kyungsoo makes him feel things; maybe it was love. He thinks it's painfully ironic how he's so damn sure he loves Kyungsoo, how he thinks he's capable of loving Kyungsoo, when he can't even love himself. Love yourself before loving others? He'd rather rain all the love he's able to feel on Kyungsoo.

 

They fall asleep side by side; Jongin's head tucked under Kyungsoo's chin, breaths in complete synchronization, and like every other night when Kyungsoo sleeps beside him, Jongin sleeps peacefully, without a hint of a nightmare. 

 

~~~