I'm past the stage of jealousy, way past that stage.  I've admitted that I was jealous already.  Yep, I'm way past the stage of denial and acceptance.  I'm just in a stage of experiencing so much pain that I feel numb no matter how many times I tell myself not to care.

Ever since we were 12 years old and he became a man, girls have been all over him.  He has gone out with any girl that catches his fancy in the sea that chases after him.  He claims that he's in love, truly in love. That she and him will be forever.  He has these fantasies of these girls.  No one knows it except me, but he's a hopeless romantic.  I for having more fantasies about his girlfriends than I do of him, leaving out the last part of course.  Then, there comes a stage when he gets bored of the girl.  Not that he's a player, but he genuinely doesn't feel the love anymore.  And then he breaks up with them in the most gentle way that he can. 

I haven't exactly been cast aside, not yet anyway.  He still says he loves me, only as one of his best friends, his sister.  It just pisses me off that he can't see.  I don't blame him though, I act normally like my heart isn't slowly ripping into a million pieces.  It's not my fault my best friend is hot and irresistible.  Yes, Shin Soohyun is y, handsome, hot, and any other adjective along those lines.

How many times has it been now?  Oh, I lost count (and care) after 6.  The first time he went out with a girl, I didn't know that I was feeling jealousy.  Normally, I wasn't that type.  When my friend, Eun Mi, told me this news, I laughed at her.  I couldn't believe she could even say such a thing.  Then, she explained how I "obviously was in love with Soohyun" and that I "wanted him only to be with me because we were meant for each other" (while adding some mockery to it).  The second time it happened, I felt pain again.  I started to believe her.  The third time, it was the same situation.  That was when I accepted my jealousy, and I admitted that I was in love with Shin Soohyun.  The fourth and fifth girlfriend filled me with so much hatred, for them and myself.  I was mad for being so stupid and for thinking that Soohyun would even think of me as more than a friend.  I cried so much that by the sixth girlfriend, I had no more tears to cry, no more nights to waste, and no more hours to lose sleep over.  I still felt pain, but it was so regular-occurring that I just pushed it to the back of my mind.  I didn't listen to his fantasies anymore, I got sick of hearing them.  I still tried to help with his troubles, but it was as if I wasn't even there and the care and heart that used to be behind it was gone.  And he never seemed to care, he was too busy with his fantasies and his girlfriends.  One day, me and Eun Mi had a huge argument because she liked Soohyun.  Can you believe that after being best friends, trusting her with my deepest secrets, sharing so many laughs, she would use my secrets against me to even try to steal the guy she knows that I'm in love with?  I can't believe I never saw it coming.  I felt so stupid for not knowing sooner.  We stopped being friends after that.  We became enemies.  I never confided in her again.

Now, we're both 19.  Seven years have passed  of heartbreak and I've swallowed it whole.  He's been dating the same girl for almost a year now.  I thought that he would have gotten bored of her already, that it would be the exact same story as all the others.  I guess this novel is much longer than the rest.  You know what's the funny part?  The girl that he's dating is my ex best friend, Eun Mi.