*(  ---3---)  Misguided Ghosts

Story Link

Reviewer: cat-turtle
Completion Date: 8/10/13
Pick Up Date: N/A

Title: [9/10]

            It’s a bit ambiguous but still relates to the story. I doc you one point because it’s the title of a song. Typically song fics are sort of looked down on. You can make a title that’s still related without using the title of a song.

Description and Foreword: [2/10]

            There’s no foreword! I can’t grade something that isn’t there! For future reference, a foreword should basically be what you currently have the description as. That being said, since your description is really your foreword, you have no description either.

A description should be a summary of the story without spoiling the ending. Tell the reader the who, what, when, and where of the story, but save the why for the actual story.

But I’ll give you two points for having something there.

Plot: [17/20]

            I take off because it seems like a song fic in which the plot is based around a song rather than an original plot/a twist on a cliché plot. Otherwise, bravo! I felt something stabbing at my heart as I read this. I wanted to cry so badly. Good job!

Flow: [13/15]

            The flow was perfect, and I loved how you inserted the lyrics. I do think that the lyrics didn’t need to be in such big chunks, however, after listening to the song, I see why you did that.

            The other thing that threw off the flow was your random author comment in the middle of the dialogue. Don’t do that. Ever. If you have something to say, that’s what the author’s note at the end is for. I probably would’ve cried, but that author comment threw off the emotional build up.

Characterization: [13/15]

            While the story’s not too long, you still characterize Park Gyu Dong alright. I can tell that he’s a teenager in pain. He’s mentally and physically hurt, and he wants that pain to end. I only took off points because there wasn’t too much to work with. Other than his pain, I can’t tell too much else about his character.

            Although, I will say that he seems passive, easily discouraged, but still has somewhat of a strong will. None of these can be confirmed as there’s not much to the story. If I don’t have that much to read, then I don’t have that much evidence to back up to assumptions.

Mechanics: [19/20]

            You have excellent grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I assume that you’re a native English speaker? Props for both. I congratulate you even more if English is not your native language. All too often, I see native English speakers who can’t even speak their own language correctly, but you do. (Quick note on your description/foreword: “alot” should be “a lot”. Yes, there is a space there. It’s not one word.)

            The only thing I took off for was in the third paragraph (not counting the song lyrics) at the end where you say “his 5 story apartment building.” The “5” should be “five.” Yes, actually spell it out. In this case, it’s improper to use actual numbers when that number is less than ten. Honestly, I prefer to spell all of the numbers out unless it’s in an address, it’s money, or someone is counting with big numbers, but that’s just me.

Appearance: [8/10]

            Background? Check!   Poster? Check!   Consistent text format? Check!  So what could possibly be wrong? Your lyrics need to be centered and quoted. They’re not yours, so they need to be quoted, and it just looks better if you center the lyrics.

Bonus: [2/5]

+1 for BG Music

            Some people don’t like this, but I love it. It sets the mood, and you chose the perfect song! The other thing is that this is sort of a song fic and you actually have the song ready for the reader. Some authors don’t do that when they write song fics which can make the fic confusing.

+1 Because I Can

            I read your description, and if you wrote this because you felt like that, then please feel better. Know that there are always people who love you. Sometimes, you have to look around a little more, and think about it a little harder, but there are people who love you/are willing to love you. Mind over matter, stay strong, and keep writing! Your writing style is beautiful! I’d love to read more of your stories in the future J

Total: 83/100 B

Reminders: 

•Credit and link back to shop.
•Comment when you pick up.
•Upvote please!