Everything That I'm Not

Chapter One

“Like Melted Chocolate”

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Even after six long months, it was still weird for Hongki to wake up first thing in the morning and have all the time in the world to do nothing at all. After growing so accustomed to staying on the move from place to place and having each day of his life planned out to the exact second, he didn't know what he was supposed to do with himself now that he had nothing to do and all day to do it.

Time was something he never seemed to have enough of, but now that he had nothing but time, he was left without a goal and without a purpose. The minutes slowly blurred into hours, and days eventually faded into weeks. Before he knew it, even months were starting to pass him by without him noticing.

Keeping track of time let alone the day of the week quickly became a bother to Hongki, so he eventually quit looking at clocks and calenders altogether. With no goals, no purpose and a dream that had been left shattered beyond all repair, he was left with nothing but the overwhelming feelings of loneliness and failure.

His love for music, his passion for performing, they were just... gone. And he didn't know how to get them back.

The burning flame that used to fuel his love and passion for singing had slowly dwindled over the years until it fizzled out completely. Nothing he'd done had been able to rekindle that fire, which caused Hongki to wonder if it was even possible to ever find that love again.

He tried turning to music, but even this no longer offered warmth or comfort as it once had. Instead it served only as a constant reminder of the aching hole in his heart that had forgotten how to love the things that used to make him happy. The freedom he'd so badly desired and gave up everything to obtain didn't bring him the relief or comfort he expected.

Instead he felt... empty, as if even life itself no longer had meaning.

In the end, nothing had changed. He was still filled with the exact same loneliness and feelings of isolation he'd fought so hard to get away from, only this time the only thing he had left to fight was himself.

But that was his own fault, he supposed.

He'd told his former management company where they could shove their damn contracts; they'd told their most successful soloist to get lost. And yet somehow, Hongki didn't feel the slightest twinge of remorse toward the company, not even the smallest pang toward the people who'd put a collar around his neck and kept him locked inside an invisible box.

Hongki didn't regret his decision to leave the company. They could go bankrupt for all he cared.

What he did regret, however, was leaving behind his label mates, the people who'd been a second family to him, without so much as a warning. He'd hurt so many people before he left, lied to so many of his friends and broken so many promises.

After everything he'd done, how was he supposed to ask for forgiveness?

These kinds of thoughts were what plagued Hongki's mind every waking minute of every time-lost day. Most of his mornings and afternoons were spent cleaning an already spotless apartment, just to give him something to occupy himself with before spending another sleepless night tossing and turning for hours on end.

When Hongki was living in the company dorms, he at least had a roommate to talk to and share meals with. Now though, instead of moving back in with his family, he had a small apartment all to himself. He thought he'd feel strong and independent living on his own like this, but in reality it was lonely. God it was lonely.

If this was what freedom felt like, then Hongki wanted no part of it.

“You look like hell.”

Taking a seat across from Wonbin inside one of the town's least crowded restaurants, Hongki smiled sarcastically and leaned back in the booth. “Gee, thanks Wonbin. Good to know I can still count on you to tell me exactly what I don't want to hear.”

Oh Wonbin, another soloist under the same company, was the only person who knew how Hongki truly felt behind all the lies and fake smiles the former singer ever conjured up while he was still with the company. He was the only one brazen enough to call Hongki out on his false pretenses and distorted versions of the truth.

Yes, he saw right through Hongki from the very beginning, yet he never once turned his back on him. Even after Hongki had left, Wonbin was still his most trusted friend.

“I aim to please,” Wonbin replied easily, a brief smile flashing across his face before his eyebrows knitted in concern at the way Hongki ran a hand through his hair and smiled humorlessly. When he didn't say anything for a moment, Wonbin frowned and peered over his menu. “What's with that face? Why do you look so depressingly pitiful?”

“I got rejected again last night,” Hongki muttered bleakly as he rested his head the palm of his hand, a dismal sigh escaping his lips just moments later. “Apparently my particular skill set isn't suited toward dealing with their clientele. Whatever the hell that means.”

Wonbin scrunched his eyebrows together, clearly confused. “They told you that?”

Hongki nodded before burying his head in his arms atop the table, a muffled sound of frustration escaping his throat as he was hit with the overwhelming urge to crawl into a hole and never return.

“What am I doing with my life?” Hongki groaned, lifting his head just enough to give his friend and former roommate a helpless look, watching as Wonbin calmly stared back at him. “Ever since I left the company, nothing makes sense anymore. Singing used to be everything to me, but now that I don't even have that, I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do anymore.”

Wonbin regarded him calmly. “And you think finding a normal job will help you figure that out?”

Hongki sighed and ran his hand through his hair again. “I don't know. Maybe. I'm just so sick of waiting around doing nothing and feeling like there isn't anything left for me anymore.” I'm tired of feeling lost. I just want to feel human again.

Wonbin remained quiet for a moment—odd considering he almost always had something to say. Wordlessly, he then grabbed a napkin and, after finding a pen somewhere, scribbled something across the white surface in black ink.

“I have a friend, Minhwan,” Wonbin finally said as he slid the napkin—which contained a street address—across the table. “His family owns a restaurant, but he tells me they're a little shorthanded lately. If you want a job, just tell them Wonbin sent you and they won't say no.”

“Seriously? They'll give me a job just like that?” Hongki asked as he eyed the napkin skeptically. Knowing Wonbin, there had to be something else going on. There was no way it could be that easy. “What's the catch?”

“There's no catch,” Wonbin told him, though an odd smile tugged at his lips. “Minhwan and I are... on good terms with each other. His family loves me. If they know we're friends, they'll instantly love you too.”

“I don't know,” Hongki said slowly, still unconvinced as he continued eying the napkin. “Something doesn't smell right about this.”

“Relax, Hongki, they're good people. They love practically everyone,” Wonbin replied with a grin, his eyes shining with something Hongki couldn't quite pinpoint. “Just... Whatever you do, don't ever mention the name Kang. Especially to Minhwan's dad.”

Hongki narrowed his eyes at Wonbin suspiciously. “Why?”

Wonbin smirked. “If you really want to know, go ahead and try it once. But don't say I didn't warn you.”

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After spending an entire night agonizing over whether or not he'd actually take Wonbin up on his offer, Hongki eventually found himself in front of the previously mentioned restaurant the very next day. He wasn't sure what to expect once he walked inside, but he willed himself not to stress too much about what might have waited for him beyond those glass doors.

It was a stifling summer afternoon, the sun beaming high in the sky and causing Hongki to squint once he'd stepped out of the car he rarely ever drove. The humidity had already started to curl his hair at the ends, the long strands resting easily atop his shoulders.

As he ran a hand through his hair, he briefly thought about getting it cut in favor of something shorter, but after letting it grow out over the last few months he just couldn't be bothered to part with it. This hair, it was a part of him now. Letting it go just wasn't that simple anymore.

Turning his attention back to the glass doors, Hongki pushed all other thoughts to the back of his mind as he ventured inside, relaxing slightly at the gust of cool air and inviting aroma of fried pork. The place was fairly busy, and as Hongki's eyes glanced around, he found only a handful of empty tables.

Popular place, Hongki thought as he searched for the friend called Minhwan, though he soon realized he'd never even met the boy, so Hongki didn't even know what he looked like. Good one, Wonbin. Send me somewhere and then don't tell me who I'm supposed to talk to.

Hongki's eyes soon settled upon a lean figure at the corner of the restaurant, who was in the midst of clearing an empty table of its used dishes. Was that him? Hongki had no idea. At the very least this person seemed around the same age, so without a second thought, Hongki walked over to him.

“Excuse me, are you Minhwan?” Hongki asked once he'd approached him, watching as the dark haired fellow turned around, rendering the former singer speechless for a moment. This fellow—who couldn't have been any older than himself—was far beyond attractive. Dark eyes, pitch black hair, flawless skin and a discernibly sharp angle to his nose, this was a man that belonged on the pages of a magazine.

You've got to be kidding me, Wonbin.

The handsome stranger tilted his head curiously at Hongki.

“I could be,” he replied, his voice smooth and fluid—much like melted chocolate. “Are you here to tell him he won the lottery?”

Hongki blinked at him like an idiot before he quickly recovered himself, clearing his throat as he said, “No, I'm not.” He mentally cursed himself for not having anything smart or witty to say, feeling a sharp jab to his pride at how easily he'd been rendered dumbstruck by this fellow's beauty.

Where are your smooth talking people skills now, Hongki?

“Oh,” was the disappointed reply Hongki received, and for a moment he could have sworn this stranger looked genuinely upset, though it disappeared almost immediately. “In that case, Minhwan's still out sick. Sorry. He'll be back tomorrow though. In the meantime, if I can help...?”

“No,” Hongki said perhaps a little too quickly. But instead of the dark haired man looking offended, he smiled, as if he'd expected such an answer. Hongki ignored the short stutter in his heart rate. “I need to talk to the boss, or the manager. Whoever's in charge here.”

The other man winced slightly, his smile suddenly shy. “Service was that bad, huh?”

“What? No, it's nothing like that,” Hongki replied quickly, tensing at the thought of being misunderstood. When the dark haired man said nothing and peered at him curiously, Hongki continued, though somewhat hesitantly. “I'm... trying to get a job, actually.”

His dark eyes lit up in response. “Yeah? Then I guess that makes us work buddies.”

Hongki couldn't help but smile slightly despite himself. “You're getting a little ahead of yourself, don't you think? I haven't been accepted. I haven't even filled out an application yet.”

“Formalities,” he waved off with an easy smile before he changed the subject completely. “Listen, I need to get back to work, but I'll definitely see you around...?” He trailed off, looking at Hongki expectantly.

“Hongki,” the singer finished for him. “My name is Hongki.”

“Jonghun,” the other replied with a grin, his eyes gleaming brightly. Without so much as another word, Jonghun returned to work, leaving Hongki hypnotized by the man with the captivating eyes and beautiful smile.

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I'm trying out a new writing style with this story.
I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.
Feedback? :)