WARNING : CONTAIN GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AND MIGHT BE SPELLING ERRORS. SO IGNORE IT XD

July 30^TH

Everything is so hard now.

Even for me to breath.

“xing are you ok ?” luhan  sits next to yixing on the bed. “ you look so tired.”

Yixing looks to his bestfriend and smile softly “ don’t worry”

“you should go to sleep xing.” he advices.

“ why do I have to sleep when i am actually lacking of time now han...”

The hand belongs to wufan which is busy writing in yixing’s record ceases abruptly after listening to those words.

“can you please stop talking like that.” he says as he locks his eyes to yixing.

“im trying my best to be strong.” Yixing shifts his eyes away. He can feel that his time is already around the corner.

Luhan sighs and he leaves the room, leaving wufan and yixing alone in the room.  He knew that yixing is dying and he always trying his best to keep on living but he himself also is suffering badly with yixing like that. It has been three months he saw yixing like this. Why God has to let this thing happens to his bestfriend.

“can we talk ?” wufan breaks the tranquil silence yet so tense after luhan leaving the room.

Yixing just nods without looking to the owner of the voice.

“ it is about us.” He says softly.

Yixing pulls his lips into a small smile. “ there is nothing to talk about.”

He can feel a painful stabs straight to his heart. “please listen to me first xing.” he begs

Yixig didn’t bulge.

“I know that I was wrong and im cruel to you, but I just want to let you know that I regret with all my wrongdoing  and im really sorry.” Wufan says as his tears are already at the brim of his eyes.

“ people do make mistake sometime. Its ok , I can accept it and no need for sorry.” Yixing says as he still didn’t look to wufan.

“ stop pretending. If you are fine, please  look at me now.” wufan sounds stern but in that stern voice, yixing can hear the sadness and  its waver a little.

“ im saying the truth.” He says again. He is trying to dispose all the tears in his eyes and  to make sure his voice didn’t waver at all.

“then look at me.” Wufan says again as he sits on the bed next to yixing and he turns yixing’s shoulders to face him.

Yixing doest know how he looks like but he is sure that his eyes doesn’t look so teary. “ why do you have to cry ?” he stops  as his eyes is glued to the crying man in front of him.

“please xing, I miss you so much. Im so sorry.” He apologizes again. “I lov---.”

“ no. don’t say that. you already have a happy and better life now. Im not exist in your life anymore “ he cuts wufan. "im only part of your past" he whispers.

“I really mean it xing.” he sniffs. “ I love you. please say that you still love me.”

Yixing takes his hand to wufan’s cheeks and wipes the tears away. “ maybe we are just not fate to each other.” He looks to the older eyes. The pain that contains in his heart is insurmountable . “lets stop all of these  and pretend like there is nothing happen between us. Just like how we used to live since we met. Maybe that’s  much better for both of us and baekhyun too.”

The tears inundate wufan’s cheeks again. “ is this a payback from you of  my wrongdoings xing?” he sobs. “ do you know how do I feel when I found out that my apartment  was empty and you left me into nothingness?”

“I went to everywhere to look for you and I never thought that actually you are so close with me. My office is just one floor before yours and I don’t know how I never realize that you were so near to me. Maybe I was so blind with lies till I dumped someone who is so nice and precious.”

Yixing looks away as he can feel his tears start to pool again his eyes.

“ and I still cant accept what have I done to you before you left the apartment. I yelled at you without any reasons even when you just wanted to help me, I slapped you when you just wanted to celebrate our anniversary , I left you for the other guy, I made you waited for me for every day and I always rejected and ignored your calls and texts , your concerns. I don’t know why was I acting like that. I completely ignored you till I cant realize that you were sick. If im acting just fine with you, maybe we can save you and you wouldn’t have to suffer like this.” he sobs again.

Why wufan has to talk all these things. Everything is still vivid in his memory and how the pain that he felt. Till now he still can feel it even though he has forgiven  wufan. he doesn’t want to talk about that and he doesn’t want to think about that if he can. Why wufan  has to bring this matter up.

Yixing nods , “ lets not talk about the past.” He stops as he swallows the sobs and to make sure he didn’t sniffs to loud. “ its just too painful.” The tears roll on his cheeks and he looks to wufan. “ maybe someday you will know the reason of why all of this thing happens.”

Wufan looks to the crying boy in front of him, he can see how much has he hurt yixing and how much yixing has suffered alone for all this time. He wants to take his hand to yixing’s cheeks but it is being ceased by yixing's hand.

He smiles with tears still rolling. “I can wipe it by myself. Don’t worry. “ he pauses. “ now go.” He smiles again. “go, wufan” he coos.

Wufan hangs his head low. He nods a little as he stands and back facing yixing. “ you must know xing, I will always love you.” he says and leaves the room.

yixing looks to the tall figure which is slowly starting to disappear from his eyes with tears together flowing down on his cheeks. Maybe this is the best decision that he ever made. As long wufan will be happy, then  he is fine. This is the best way for them.

“do you know I really wants to say that I still love you and forever love you….” he whispers to himself.

“and I really wish that you will be beside me when I die.”

He starts to become more dread and eerie. He is so afraid about going to die. He don’t know how to express this to his friend but he really scared. His friends might not be able to console him down. He becomes more afraid to sleep. What if he cant get up again ??? What if he cant see the world anymore…..

Yixing lays himself on the bed while  facing to window. Sometimes life is too cruel and merciless. Why the happy life that he already has,  has to be taken away at the last minute. Why cant he be happy for little time that he has. Why cant baekhyun appears after he die ? or why don’t God just take his life just like how the doctors predicted three years ago ? Why he has to meet wufan ? Why he has to meet someone that only hurt him in the end ?

Yixing closes his eyes, to stop his mind from tormenting himself by thinking about something that already happened . He doesn’t want to suffer anymore, enough with the pain. Wufan shouldn’t talk about this. Apologizes wouldn’t solve anything, its just making the situation become worst.

August 2^nd

Im really tired and exhausted.

The pain  is too much

I really cant handle it anymore.

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“ doctor, am I allowed to go out for a day ?” yixing asks all of sudden while the doctors are checking his body.

“what do you mean?” luhan asks as he stops doing his work.

“I want to go somewhere.” He says softly and hoping that they will allow it.

“with who ?” wufan asks.

“just me.”  he states.

“you cant even walk on your own yixing, how are you going to go there alone ?” wufan asks as he totally objects yixing’s idea.

“ yeah it will be very dangerous to you yixing.” donghae adds.

All the four doctors go out together, leaving yixing to have some rest.  Everyone didn’t talk anything or discuss about anything. All of them know something that are so obvious and there is nothing left for them to take some action to save yixing.

“I guess I don’t have to say anything as we all already knew about this.” Siwon starts.

Donghae who walks behind nods in agreement. “ yeah he is so weak. The pulses is very slow. It can happen anytime.”

“I can save many patients before, but why I cant even save my bestfriend ?! ” luhan breaks.

Wufan tries to strengthen himself from being overwhelm by the emotions. He has to do something, he can't stay still and watches his lover die alone without him trying anything. There must be something to do that can cure the cell.

Wufan then runs to his room leaving his three friends behind.

“he has to accept it.” donghae says as he looks to wufan who is dashing away now.

“ its different in his situation , you have to know that.” siwon adds again.

Luhan just looks at wufan who is running away far in front of him. How wufan will accept this? Is he able to face this ?

Yixing holds to the polaroid picture in his diary. He stares to the picture intently. The picture of him and wufan , and there is a lake in a garden behind them. A very beautiful and calm lake.  His mind is searching and trying hard to figure out what is the name of that place. There are a lot of entries in his diaries with pictures of this place, but he himself never wrote the name of that place. As what he wrote under the picture was

            “… place that will always remain in our heart..”

He really wants to go to that place. He tries to remember again, but he cant. He doesn’t know what is the name of that place and  how to go there plus he is not allowed to go there. Everything seems so difficult now.

Day by day, the nurses and the doctors will give more attention to yixing. His face is totally pale and he  always cough blood. He needs to be assisted for almost of the time. Tao has to help him if he wants to go to the toilet to clean himself or what. He cant use his feet by his own anymore. All of them can see how sad he is with himself. The expression in his face when he failed to walk. The smile that he will give to assure his friends that he is fine when he coughed blood and when he is unable to open his eyes in the morning because of the headache, and  how he cried because he has forgotten on how to read. Also every time when he complaints that he cant write properly anymore, far most with drawing.

The four doctors who are in charge with yixing will take turn to keep their eyes on yixing. However wufan volunteered himself to look for yixing. He will only will go back to change his clothes. Other things he will do at the hospital. He also has talked to baekhyun about this. he wants to put a halt first about their relationship. He didn’t intended to be mean to baekhyun, but whats the point if he still stay with baekhyun, if he knew that the love toward baekhyun is not the real one. His love is only for yixing. If there is fate for them to be together, then just let it be. But for now, he wants to be with his lover.

His heart broke too when he saw baekhyun cried. But this is the best for baekhyun and himself. He still not sure if he can make baekhyun the happiest guy in this world and he also start to afraid if the things that happened between him and yixing will happen again.

Since that also, wufan always will be at the nurse’s desk right infront of yixing's room so that he can always keep his eyes on his lover. He will be the one who will feed yixing and help him in other things too and Tao will help him sometime. He doesn’t care if yixing wants to ignore him and if yixing doesn’t want to accept him back. The soft and small smile that yixing always gave to him is more than enough.

“ can you help me.” Yixing holds to wufan’s hand as he turns his body to go out for a while after checking yixing.

Wufan looks to yixing back and  yixing’s peculiar act make him to stop from leaving the sick boy.

“what it is ?” he walks closer.

Yixing takes one of his diary on the table beside his desk. He flips through it and found it eventually. He stares to the polaroid  picture. Wufan can see it from his place. His heart starts to feel the pain again. That is the picture of him and yixing at the garden where they always go to have a walk and also the place where he proposed to yixing. The place is not far from his apartment. They used to walk before to go there every evening before.

“can you please bring me to this place?” yixing asks with his hand holding to the picture and he looks to wufan.

Wufan is still dumbfounded with that. “ this place ?”

“im sorry but I have forgotten the name of  this place” he says gently and soft.

Wufan sits next to him. He looks to yixing. “ this place is so meaningful xing.”

“I knew it .” he stops “ but I really want to go there”

“I can bring you there.” wufan smiles to the younger one.

“I think tao and luhan can bring me there. ”

“no.. lets go together with luhan and tao. I know the place more than them . And that place is not far from our apartment xing. remember ?”

“Is it ???” yixing gives a perplexed look to wufan.

Wufan nods. “you should have some rest now. you look so weak xing.”

“are you sure you want to go there today ge ?” tao asks as he goes to yixing who is waiting for his three friends to bring him out.

He cant deny he feels extremely exhausted today. Nonetheless, he restrains all the pain and the tiredness that he feels. Maybe this is the only time and chances for him to go there. To watch the scenery there. He still remember the memories of him and wufan there, but he doesn’t remember the name of that place and how to go there.

“im fine” his voice is hoarse and low and he gives the same smiles as before.

“im so worry about you, ge. We can go tomorrow ge.”

“nooo..lets go now. luhan and wufan must be waiting for us.” Yixing says as he sits on the wheelchair. He place his bag which is fulled with his diaries.

Tao sighs and he pushes the wheelchair.

The ride is silence and calm. Radio is off. Luhan and tao sits at the back. All three of them are so worry about yixing. While yixing, with his eyes lock to the view in front of his eyes. He still can remember this road but he just not sure. He keeps on facing to the window. He is so fascinating with everything surround him. Wufan takes the road where they always used to walk or to go shopping. He didn’t drive to fast, enough for yixing to take a look around.

“we always walk here right ?” he suddenly breaks the silence.

“yes. Do you want to stop ?” wufan asks

Yixing looks to wufan. “ no. Go to that place straight away. I want to watch the sunset there.”

Wufan glances to yixing and smiles. “ ok then.” He smiles. Wufan is not sure but he can see yixing’s eyes teary a little.

Wufan starts to feel uncomfortable. Is it bringing yixing to go to that garden is the best decision ?

Wufan parks the car at his apartment and helps yixing to sit on the wheelchair with tao and  luhan.

“ you walk with him, we will follow from behind.” Luhan whispers.

Wufan just nods and he pushes the wheelchair slowly at the pedestrian walk, the usual road they used  to go to the garden. Everything is still the same, nothings change, with yixing who wear a casual cloth just like they used to walk together before. The simple white shirt with black pant. Few people give a weird look at them but wufan just ignores it and yixing seems to enjoy the moment.

“it is still the same. Just like before.”

Wufan laughs “ you are right. can you see the garden there ?” wufan  sounds in jovial.

Yixing nods enthusiastically and his smile is so bright.

Wufan place yixing at the place where they always sat. There is a short tree there where they used to sit and lean to that tree. The memories are still vivid in both of their mind. However they prefer to stay still and silence. They are drowning in the peacefulness of the scenery now.

After a whie, kyungsoo and jongin arrive. They greet each other and start to chat. The calm place now is so noisy with laughter.

“xing, you brought your polaroid camera right? lets take pictures” luhan suggests.

Tao goes to find someone to help them to take a pictures.

Wufan pushes yixing to the place with the nicest view. All the six of  them manage to take pictures with the help of a lady . they ask the lady to take six snaps, which is for each of them to keep.

“now we will take your picture.” Tao says to wufan and yixing.

“faster faster !” Luhan adds.

“do you want to stand ?” wufan asks

Yixing lifts up his face.  “ but I cant.”

“ I will hold you.” wufan says and he helps yixing to stand. He holds to yixing’s small waist and lets yixing stable himself slowly.

“ok now. I will release my right hand. “ wufan says and release it once yixing nods.

“careful hyung” jongin shouts to wufan.

“ok get ready !!!” kyungsoo shouts

Kyungsoo looks at them through the lenses of the polaroid camera. His heart feels so pain and sad.  His eyes suddenly become so teary. But he still keeps  a best smile on his face.

“ 1…2…3” kyungsoo press the button.

    (kyungsoo)  For yixing

The picture comes out and tao takes it.

“ one more “ luhan shouts.

     (kyungsoo)  For wufan

Luhan definitely thinks the same thing with kyungsoo. They smile to each other.

Wufan then  helps yixing to sit on the wheelchair back.

“thanks” he whispers.

Luhan and tao run to both of them.

“ok this one is for all of us. Keep it as a memory ok.” tao says in merriment

“and these for both of you. keep it.” he hands to wufan and yixing.

All the six of them settle down on the grass. Jongin, kyungsoo, Luhan and tao  lay on the grass near the lake while wufan and yixing lean to tree like how they used to sit before, at the back from his four friends.

Yixing places his diary on his lap while holding to his pen. Wufan doesn’t know what he did, but what he can see from the end of his eyes is yixing placing the picture of six of them and he wrote something below. Then he flips to the next page, his other hand is holding to one more picture, which the picture of him and yixing.

Wufan then stops to peek at yixing diary and he looks to yixing as he can feel the younger one is shivering.

“are you cold?” he asks

“a little.” yixing smiles as he looks to the sky.

Wufan then moves closer to yixing and he wraps is hand around the younger’s waist. “ i think this can warm your body a little”

Wufan smiles when he feels yixing leans completely to his body. He miss this so much. The feeling to be always near with yixing.

“say cheese” jongin suddenly stands and holding to the polaroid camera

Both of them just smiles to the sudden act of the impish  jongin.

“its pretty. I will hold it.” jongin shouts again and he can hear the other are laughing.

“do you still remember when for the first time we came here ?” yixing asks.

“of course I am. We got separated right ?” he laughs. “ I don’t know when did I released my hand from yours. I was so worried back then.”

“me too. But we met again eventually”

“yeah and its here. And the time was like now. It was around this time right and we watched the sunset together.”

“ it is so beautiful. Just like before “ yixing whispers while looking to the sunset

Yixing feels so exhausted and his eyes feels so heavy. He really wants to sleep but he still wants to watch till the sunset fully disappears from his sight.

“im so tired.” Yixing says as he slowly leans his head to wufan’s shoulder.

“its ok if you want to sleep, I will carry you back.”

Yixing laughs again “ remember the time when I lost my shoes ?”

“yeahhhh… and everyone was looking at us cause I carried you in my arms…… Do you know  I was so proud at that time.” Wufan says while laughing happily. 

Wufan can hear yixing small laugh. He is happy that he still can hear yixing’s laugh.

. “ sleep if you want.” He says.

Yixing nods and his eyes still to the sky ,watching the sunset. “wake me up again if I fall asleep.” He whispers

wufan looks to yixing and he nods.

“promise?”

“promise.”

Yixing gathers his strength and he writes something on the page with the picture of him and wufan, but wufan cant really see it and he didn’t want to see it. That is yixing’s privacy. He doesn’t have the right to read that.

“promise me that you will wake up again.” wufan whispers as he presses his body closer to yixing.

Yixing smiles and wufan aware of it. “ promise.” He whispers back.

“ this place is so memorable to me and you  right. I still remember that you really love this place. you really love to watch the sunset and sunrise from here.” He stops. “ do you still remember when we rushed to come here to watch sunrise ???? I even forgot to bring my wallet and you too. We just take our sweater and ran here as fast as we could with my hand holding to yours. We ran like we are being chased by police or what.” He laughs again, but his eyes start to teary.

“hmmm. We laughed so hard.” Yixing adds again softly.” Tell me more”

“then do you remember when we sneakily get into the ice skating place? it is so dark but thanks to the moon. We still can play happily.” Wufan pauses as he tries to control the sobs “ xing do you remember when we went to London? We forgot to set alarm and we almost missed our flight to Seoul ? I still remember that cause that was my first time having a holiday abroad with you.”

Yixing can feel his eyes getting more heavier and heavier. He can feel his heartbeat is getting slow and his body feels like paralyze.

“ also the first moment when I met you. it was at the garden near the hospital. You look so beautiful and young at that time. I was so happy  that i  was assigned to be your doctor. Everything was so sweet and the time when I proposed to you….”

Wufan stops reminiscing their memories when suddenly pen from yixing’s grip fall from his grip and rolls to the side and stops where his thigh and yixing’s thigh meet. He looks to the pale boy and as what he has promised before, he will wake yixing up.

“xing.” he coos. “xing wake up”

The younger seems not giving any responds to wufan. Wufan then shakes yixing body a little making yixing’s hand which is located on his own lap to fall. Wufan’s eyes widen and he shakes the younger one again.

“xing” he calls “ xing wake up xing.”

His heart is beating fast and sweat is forming on his forehead. He takes yixing’ wrist and search for his pulses. His hands start to shake as he cant find the pulses and he take the another hand of yixing. He searches for it again.

“xing.. please don’t. xing wake up xing.” he cries as he hugs the younger one.

“wake up xing …. You promised me that you will wake up again xing ….!!!!”

Hearing to the loud voice belongs to wufan makes the four of them to rush there.

“wufan what happened ?” luhan shouts

“xingggg…..wake up !!!!” wufan’s eyes is red with bloodshot and his cheeks is wet with tears.

“xing !!!! xing!! “ kyungsoo calls as he sits next wufan  in a flash. 

Luhan stands there. He cant believe what has just happened. Tears just fall without giving any warning. His feet feels like paralyze as he cant walk anymore, his feet is like being glued to the ground

Wufan holds yixing in his arm and looks to the calm face. “xing…. xing….. wake up !!!!”

Yixing looks so calm and peace. There are no more pain and sadness. Everything is just fine.

“yixing wake up… wake up xing….i love you xing please don’t leave me yet….” wufan cries and cries.

Jongin hugs kyungsoo to cool him down while luhan are still in silence. Sobbing silently.

Wufan hug yixing tightly and his eyes glance to the diary which is still in yixing’s lap. He takes it and saw the picture of him and yixing.

“we were just laughing not more than one hour ago xing..and now you have left me for forever.” he sniffs. “ you broke your promised xing. please come back and bring me with you." he begs

Wufat puts the pictures between the pages and his eyes catch something at the same page where his picture with yixing located, but he cant see it clearly as his eyes are covered with tears. So he closes the book, afraid the picture, their last memories will fly away by the wind.

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"ohh here you are." kyungsoo says as he opens the door. " sorry i forgot to tell you that yixing did left something here before. And he didnt allow me to open it, so i dont know what the gist of it. " kyungsoo leads wufan to the store with jongin follows behind.

"really ?" wufans asks.

kyungsoo opens the door, showing the dark room which was last opened when yixing came here few months ago. " there is it. take a look, maybe you need it."

Wufan walks to the boxes and opens it. His eyes widen when he saw the gist of the boxes and he takes one of it. It is the picture of him and yixing. he wipes the dust on it with his hand.

kyungsoo and hongin just stay at the door, as they obey what yixing told before. " you need it ?" jong in asks.

wufan still in shock when he rummages his hand in the box. "i..i need it." he stutters. " i will take it home."

"ok then." jong in says and he smiles he a little. he feels symphaty with his older. Wufan looks so distraught after yixing has gone.

Wufan sighes in relief as everything is done now. All the picture frames, curtains, and everything in the boxes are placed back at their original place and the smell also almost the same as he bought the same freshner that yixing used to buy. Wufan tries his best to remember back how his apartment looks like and together with the help of thepictures in yixing's diaries. He flips page by page again to look at the pictures. They look so happy back there and how wufan really wish to go back and correct everything again.

Reading yixing's diaries makes him laugh in the middle of the night. It feels like yixing still exist around him, in their apartment. With his apartment now, just look exactly how it was when yixing was here, and at least it can cure his longing for yixing. However it still feels so lonely and empty without yixing.

Wufan's eyes then catch a black diary which is lying on the floor with the other diaries - the last diary which the only he didnt read yet as he is so dread to read it. He switches on all the lights in his apartment and opens his bedroom's door wide. He wants to see everything from his bed, he is afraid to be left alone without yixing. This is the first night since yixing left, which is last night. He dont know how to adapt with it. he wonders how long will he live in this world. Cnt he just wake up with yixing on his side in the different world? He lays on his bed with the black diary on his hand. Hr opens the diary and suddenly an envelope falls on his chest. His face crinkles a little as he takes the envelope and opens it. His eyes caught something shiny and small that fall from the letter when he opens it. His hand rubbing on the bed, looking for the tiny shiny thingy and he found it eventually. His eyes glimmering with tears when he brings that thing to his eyes. That little thing is their couple ring that he gave when he proposed yixing. He dont know how to hold the pain anymore, and he tries to not to cry. 

dear wufan,

hyeee dear. how are you today? maybe when you read this, im no longer at the hospital nor beside you.Actually i want to say this things directly to you but im not strong enough and im afraid. First of all i would like to apologize to you as i cant make you happy, i cant give you a happy life and i cant be by your side for forever. However please promise me, that  you will be happy when im gone and dont worry i have forgave you long time ago. Just promise, please have a happy life. Stop loving me, stop missing me and stop crying for me. Erase the name of Zhang Yixing in your life. Go out there and find someone that truly love and make sure he can give you a hapiness. Show you handsome face , you deathly gaze just like how i fell for you. Do you remember the day when you cried and confessed to me at the hospital ? My heart was hurt when i saw you cried and you know that i hate to see you crying right. Please stop crying for me. Promise ? Have you find the reasons why this things happened to us ? I think maybe God wants to teach us, to be separated. He wants us to be independant. So stop thinking about the reasons why you did all these things to me. Just let it go and forget it. Just let it be in our past and dont repeat it with anyone else. Its really hurt me. Even when im no longer beside you, please remember that i will always be with you.

Wufan if we are really not fate to be together, then lets not fall in love in the next world . 

yixing. 

"why you do this to me xing ? why you leave me all alone ?" he wipes the tears with the back of his hand.

"im so afraid to rad your last diary xing. im afraid to read and to know how much have you suffured because of me." he cries.

After a moment, he strenghten himself and starts to read the diary. Each of the entry is not long, just contain less than 10 lines, but enought to make wufan breaks everytime he flips the page. Wufan can see clery how yixing has suffered because of him. As he is getting closser to the last few pages, wufan cant really read yixing's hadwritten as it turns out to be like a scribble . however he tries his best to read it. Then he reaches to the page where the picture of six of them located.

August 8th

These are my best friends.

from left ; luhan, tao, wufan, me kyugsoo and jongin.

Wufan smiles looking to the picture and he takes at tape and stick it to the paper. Then he flipes to then ext page, which is the last entry. Yixing's last entry. The polaroid picture fly down to his chest and he takes it and tape it. During pasting the picture, his eyes catch a scribble in the middle of the paper though he can read it clearly.  He reads it and he feels so happy. The unanswered question that keep on playing in his mind now is answered. He smiles with tears rolling on his cheek.

" i love you too zhang yixing."

THE END

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