--- Ice ---

 

 

Winter is getting colder and colder by the day. It’s been awhile since it has last snowed, however there’s still plenty of snow that’s left on the ground. It’s peaceful when the snow is laid out on the fields like this. The wind being its ever faithful friend as it mindlessly sings its cold melody to skitter across the land. That same wind is now harmoniously embracing my body before flitting its way over to the park’s swing set that is in front of me. I listen to the metal chains of the swings clink against one another before cocking my head off to the side after hearing a strange sound come out from behind me.

 

 

 

When the sound gets louder I completely turn my head around in its direction and see a group of boys off in the distance. They were laughing amongst each other and in between their laughter I could hear a faint, helpless cry mixing in along with them. Yet, I think nothing of it.

 

 

 

My eyes then flickered down to the ground and that’s when I spotted it.

 

 

 

Red.

 

 

 

It’s the color of a scarf carelessly thrown onto the snow. The threads were partially ripped in obscure places, and its bold color was disrupting the expanse whiteness of the park.

 

 

 

I observe it some more before bending down to pick it up. For some strange reason I think I knows who this scarf belongs to, but I quickly dismiss the thought. I then look back to the group of boys and decide to approach them thinking that there would be no harm in asking if this belonged to any of them. With the blazing red scarf held tightly in my hand, I make my way over to them.  

 

 

 

As I got closer, however, I can now confirm hearing those small cries of muffled pleading that were mixed in with the boys’ laughter, which sounded more evil than playful now that my ears could fully tune them in. I can also make out how many of the boys there actually were. It was a small group of four, but three of the boys were immensely enjoying themselves as they ruthlessly pummeled up the fourth. The biggest of all the boys had just inflicted a jab to the fourth’s jaw and he immediately erupted into new fits of laughter. Another of the bullying boys then rose up his arm, preparing himself to strike, but stopped once he had caught sight of me.

 

 

 

All of their eyes widen in shock, almost comically in a way, as I look down at them. They then nervously eye one another, and it seems like they were debating on what they should do now that they were caught red-handed by a stranger. I slightly narrow my eyes at them to make myself appear more intimidating and wondered if they would be brave enough to actually pick a fight with me. There was no immediate response from them though. They blankly stare at me for a good few seconds before dropping the battered up boy and running off in the direction from where I had just come from.

 

 

 

I watch them with slight interest before looking down at the boy, who had pathetically curled himself up on the ground. Tears were escaping from the corner of his eyes as he shivered from both the cold, winter air and from the pain that he had been receiving from the three boys.

 

 

 

I crouch down next to the shivering male, taking in everything that was him. His clothes were wrinkled in ways that were inappropriate since the top part of his collared shirt was opened wide and his pants hung dangerously loose on his hips. His chocolate hair was messy and wet from the melted snow and his face was pale like a ghost—no, more like Snow White, but his fair skin was now covered in small blossoming bruises of blue and purple. He also has red cherry lips, chapped dry due to the cold.

 

 

 

He shivers some more and coughs as he makes eye contact with me. Those big brown orbs of his show fear at first, but they quickly dissolve after I gently touch his forehead, wiping away the wet bangs that were stuck there.

 

 

 

The boy closes his eyes for a moment, maybe relieved of the fact that I wasn’t here to hurt him, before opening them again.

 

 

 

“I must be dreaming.” The boy whispers quietly to himself.

 

 

 

“No. You are very much awake.”

 

 

 

“Am I really?” The boy hesitantly reaches up to touch my face. His hands were trembling lightly, but he finally places his fingertips along the edge of my jaw. He then trails upward to my cheek and leaves it there for a moment, “You really are real.” 

 

 

 

Wordlessly I help the boy sit up. His eyes were casted downwards and off to the side in embarrassment as I helped him button up his shirt. After his jacket was zipped up I notice him eyeing the red scarf that I had placed on the ground.

 

 

 

So this scarf must be his.  

 

 

 

I grab it and hold it out for him. He is about to take it from me, but I stop him from doing so when I realize that his wrist is hurt. I gently wrap the scarf around his neck for him instead making sure it was tucked in nicely so he wouldn’t get cold.

 

 

 

In a quiet voice the boy thanks me. His cheeks are also turning into a soft color of pink, which I assume is because of the cold. Carefully I pull the boy’s body upward to stand. He winces in pain, but gives me a soft smile when I offer my hand out for him to hold onto.

 

 

 

When our hands merge together as one I couldn’t help but stare at how perfect our fingers had interlocked with one another. His body was freezing just seconds ago, but in these very seconds of him holding my hand I can feel that he is already warm.

 

 

 

Keeping the observation to myself, I quietly tug him along behind me as we both head back to the park from where I had first came. I stop at a wooden bench and motion for him to sit down, but he declines by shaking his head. He then looks down to our intertwined hands with a sad expression, and he seems to be in deep thought. After a good long minute, his wide doe like eyes slowly look back up to mine. This time he looks lost and unsure of himself.

 

 

 

I tilt my head off to the side and blink when the boy’s eyes begin to water. This is an emotion I completely do not understand at all.

 

 

 

“I-I’m Kyungsoo. Do Kyungsoo. Don’t you remember me?” He says quietly.

 

 

 

I take a second to rewind through my memories and I immediately tell him that I do not since I have no recalling of any of his features before. He looks saddened by this and for a moment I think that maybe I had analyzed my memories wrong and had possibly overlooked something, but it cannot be possible.

 

 

 

This boy, Do Kyungsoo, and I are complete strangers.

 

 

 

“What is your name?” He asks.

 

 

 

“Kai.”

 

 

 

His sad expression suddenly turns into a brighter one, and the complexity of his emotions broaden to even stranger miens that I have no comprehending of. He now has a fresh set of tears falling down his porcelain bruised cheeks, yet somehow he bears this wide smile on his face, and it beams so brilliantly.

 

 

 

Slowly I touch one of his damp cheeks with my free hand, wiping away the wet trail that had flowed down it.

 

 

 

“What is wrong?” I ask, “You are crying.”

 

 

 

He shakes his head with that wide smile still beautifully etched onto his face, “I’m crying because I am happy.”

 

 

 

“Happy?” Again I tilt my head to the side and blink; not understanding him.

 

 

 

“Yes.” The grip on my hand tightens, “You may not remember me, but that is okay. I remember you.”

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Fog is starting to cloud the outer ridges of my bedroom window. It slowly makes its way down towards the middle engulfing the glass in its haze and obscuring my vision of the outside world. I place a finger on the smooth surface and drag it in a downward curve. I make another movement and then another, followed by another after that. I end up writing letters that form the word cold. I then lift my finger away from the glass, a droplet of water already racing its way to the bottom of the window.

 

 

 

It’s been about a week since my first encounter with Kyungsoo. I have not seen him since then. He refused to go to the hospital saying that he was used to the beatings that bullies gave him. I did not question his decision and so lead him back home. Before we departed our different ways he bid me a good bye with that same brilliant smile of his. He also told me that he hopes to see me again.

 

 

 

Do I hope to see him again as he does?

 

 

 

No, I do not have any longing to see him again, however his words still linger on my mind, ‘You may not remember me, but that’s okay. I remember you.’

 

 

 

If he knows who I am then he must know the other me. The one who had real flesh, real blood, real emotions, real family, real friends, and a real heart—a me, who I do not know of, yet somehow do.

 

 

 

The creak of my door opening makes me turn my head. It was Oh Sehun, the ingenious boy who had created artificial intelligence into a humanoid form, or in other words, androids like myself. He is quite tall and lanky for a boy. His assistant, Luhan, would constantly nag at him for his lankiness in fear that the boy didn’t eat enough as he should.  His eyes are also small and lidded, usually filled with a vacant expression, which usually meant he was lost in his thoughts. It happens often.

 

 

 

“Kai, you’re up.” He says with a smile. He steadily makes his way into my room and sits down on the edge of my unused bed.

 

 

 

“Yes.”

 

 

 

He quickly wears a frown, “You didn’t sleep did you?”

 

 

 

“No.”

 

 

 

Sehun sighs, “I’ve told you countless times already, Kai. You need to rest. It’s the only way for you to recharge your battery core.”

 

 

 

“I understand.”

 

 

 

He chuckles lightly, “Still so monotone when you speak, huh? I guess you still need some readjusting.”

 

 

 

I stay silent and look back to the window. The fog is dissolving and there are more forming trails of water streaking down against the glass surface to the bottom. The word that I had written there earlier can barely be seen now. I look past the fog and glass to the outside world. There is a light layer of snow blanketing the city ground. Its white color quickly being dirtied by the footsteps of the people that were walking by.

 

 

 

My thoughts begin to wander aimlessly as I continue to look at the people through the window. I think the people of this city are strange, but I find that people in general are hard to understand anyway.

 

 

 

Humans are such complex creatures.

 

 

 

“Hey, Kai.”

 

 

 

I turn my attention back to Sehun, “Yes.”

 

 

 

“Can you do something for me? Luhan has been bugging me about this for a while now, but I don’t have the time to do it because of work. Can you go by the small café around the corner and get some coffee? Apparently he’s in dire need of some, and he likes the coffee they have there the best.” He laughs to himself, “It’s sad that he likes it so much better than mine.”

 

 

 

“I can do that.”

 

 

 

“Thank you.” He pats my cheek, “And remember to smile to the barista, okay?”

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“Here you go, sir.”

 

 

 

Remembering Sehun’s words I smile to the barista after thanking her. Smiling is a foreign gesture for me, but I know it came out flawlessly since she smiled back. I then take the cup of coffee from her and walk back outside to the freezing cold air. My smile is no longer apparent on my face.

 

 

               

I quickly shift my feet and head my way down the city’s sidewalk. It’s nearing the middle of winter now, which means Christmas is soon approaching. Luhan says it’s a holiday filled with lots of happiness and love. I wouldn’t know the feeling, but I can clearly see it in other people’s expressions.

 

 

 

I carefully make my way through a condensed crowd, each of my steps nearing the park where I had first met Kyungsoo. My eyes look straight ahead, but the familiar blazing red color of a scarf catches my attention from the corner of my eyes. I slow down my steps and turn my head.

 

 

 

There he was, Do Kyungsoo, sitting calmly on one of the metal swings.

 

 

 

After a moment, his eyes flicker upward from the snow covered ground and they immediately met mine, almost as if he knew I was standing here. He broke into a soft smile before ignoring my existence altogether. He is now hanging his head backwards to look up to the grey sky above. He then begins to swing himself back and forth on the metal swing, quietly humming a tune I am unfamiliar with.  

 

 

 

I watch him for a few more seconds before resuming my way back to Sehun’s home, the coffee still warm in my hand.

 

 

 

That night I was able to sleep, lost in images that I do not remember, yet do.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

The park is covered in dazzling lights tonight. It’s so bright that it outshines the stars already placed in the night sky.

 

 

 

It’s Christmas Eve and everyone is sharing their happiness through festivities. There’s Christmas music resounding merrily in the air, and the chimes of happy laughter from small, young children echo after it.

 

 

 

I see so much joy in all of these people, but I am probably the only one who does not feel the same.

 

 

 

My eyes spot Sehun being dragged away by Luhan into a dancing crowd, their bodies immediately being engulfed and trapped inside. I am alone now, but that is fine.

 

 

 

“Kai!”

 

 

 

I turn my head to the sound of my name only to be attacked by a flying snowball. As I shake my head to get rid of the snow I can hear Kyungsoo’s deep laughter resonate through my ears.

 

 

 

I open my eyes and see him standing in front of me with a wide playful grin on his face.

 

 

 

“Kyungsoo.” I greet.

 

 

 

“Haha, I’m sorry, Kai.”

 

 

 

“It’s alright.” I say quietly while brushing off the remaining bits of snow from my left shoulder.

 

 

 

His laugh is now silent, replaced by his steady breathing before he speaks out softly, “Hey, you still have some snow on your cheek.” He quickly raises his hand to wipe it off me, a small smile gracing his features as he does so. His thumb also lingers a bit longer than it should have before he pulls away. He then takes me by the hand and begins to walk backwards, pulling me along with him, “Come with me, Kai. I want to show you a special place.”

 

 

 

“Okay.”

 

 

 

He reveals another smile and nods, holding my hand even more tightly in his grasp. He turns around and begins to walk briskly due to his excitement. However, I had no trouble keeping up with him since I have longer legs than Kyungsoo. He takes us through the open field where we had first met and continues his way to the outer edges of the forest. It’s extremely dark, but he is unfazed by the creepy aura it gives to the forest since he continues to eagerly pull me along behind him through the lost trails. After a couple more minutes I could tell we were getting close to his destination since he was picking up his pace.

 

 

 

“Kai, this is it.” Kyungsoo says as he pushes a dangling branch aside to reveal a frozen lake.

 

 

 

I step out from the forest’s hedges and make way to the wooden walkway that extended outward towards the lake. The wood creaked with each step that I took. I then stop at the edge and look out to the silver lighting that reflected off the ice from the moon. It was shimmering, almost like floating crystal dust.

 

 

 

“Beautiful isn’t it?” Kyungsoo says from behind me.

 

 

 

“It is.” I reply.

 

 

 

He stands by my side and looks out to the frozen water with that lost expression filtering his eyes again, “You were the one who found this place, you know...”

 

 

 

He’s talking about the other me again. Sometimes I wonder what Kyungsoo thinks to himself when he is alone. Whenever he mentions the other me he always looks troubled.

 

 

 

“Who am I to you?” I ask after a long silence between us.

 

 

 

“Who?” Kyungsoo turns his head to me and smiles, “You are Kai.”

 

 

 

 I stay silent tilting my head to the side and blinking afterward.

 

 

 

He shakes his head in amusement, “Would you like a clue?” He turns his head away and begins to unravel the red scarf from his neck, “Well, did you know that the last two letters of your name spell ai?” In Mandarin and Japanese it means love.”

 

 

 

“Love.” I repeat to myself quietly. 

 

 

 

“Yes, love.” He takes the scarf off and begins to wrap it around my neck, “If you figure out what the K in your name represents then you will know who you are to me.”

 

 

 

Who I am too Kyungsoo?

 

 

 

After he finishes tucking the scarf around my neck he keeps both of his hands there against the yarn and looks up to catch my eyes. Is it hope that I see glinting off those dark, brown orbs of his? He must want me to figure out what my name means then.

 

 

 

‘You are Kai’

 

 

 

Kai.

 

 

 

K.

 

 

 

A.

 

 

 

I.

 

 

 

It is true. Ai does stand for love. And I remember Sehun telling me that A.I. stands for artificial intelligence. His androids are called the Ai Series since he’s trying to program a processor that’ll give his androids the ability to feel emotions such as love.

 

 

 

If ai means love then the K stands for—

 

 

 

“Kyungsoo.” I say abruptly without a second thought.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes slightly widen, “What?”

 

 

 

“The K in my name it stands for Kyungsoo.” His hands begin to tremble against the red scarf he had just wrapped around my neck and his eyes start to water. I gently grab a hold of his hands to stop them from shaking, “Who am I to you? I am Kai, Kyungsoo’s love—isn’t that right?”

 

 

 

Tears begin to flow down his cheeks now, but he has that smile curved upward on his face again just like the first time I had met him.

 

 

 

I reach out to him and wipe away the tears, “Did I get it wrong? Why are you crying again?”

 

 

 

He leans into my palm and smiles, “I am crying because I am happy, Kai.”

 

 

 

The sound of fireworks suddenly go off and they light up the night sky alongside the stars. It is now officially Christmas.

 

 

 

“Where is my gift?” Kyungsoo asks as he looks up to the sky. “I gave you yours. The red scarf. It was once yours, you know, and I showed you the lake.”

 

 

 

“What would you like then?” I ask.

 

 

 

“Just—hold me.”

 

 

 

Awkwardly I wrap my arms around him as he warps his own arms around my waist. He then buries his head into my chest and pulls me in closer, giving out a soft sigh. Kyungsoo feels warm in my embrace, but to him, I probably feel cold.

 

 

 

Who am I?

 

 

 

I am Kai, Kyungsoo’s love.

 

 

 

But, how can I be his love when I can’t even love?

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“Sehun, tell me. Why did you create me?”

 

 

 

“Hmm? Why are you asking me this?” He says while rustling through metal parts.

 

 

 

“Kai, my name. It stands for Kyungsoo’s Love doesn’t it?” I see Sehun stiffen from this as I continue to speak, “I’m sure a creator does not create its creations without a purpose.”

 

 

 

His eyes look up to me from his work. He stares at me for a few good seconds before sighing, “I can’t tell you, Kai. You have to find out your purpose for yourself.”

 

 

 

“But I cannot fulfill it, my purpose.”

 

 

 

Sehun furrows his eyes, “What do you mean?”

 

 

 

“I cannot love.”

 

 

 

“Is this about, Kyungsoo?”

 

 

 

“So you do know who Kyungsoo is?”

 

 

 

Sehun gives me a guilty look, “Yes, Kai. I do know who Kyungsoo is.” He smiles sadly to himself before busing his hands on metal parts again, “All I will tell you is that he loved you.”

 

 

 

“Loved? That is past tensed. Does he no longer love me then, Sehun?”

 

 

 

“No, Kai, it’s not like that. He probably still loves you, very much in fact, but it’s not the same anymore.”

 

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

 

Sehun tinkers with a small metal piece before replying, “Because it’s like you said, Kai, you cannot love, therefore you cannot love him back.”

 

 

 

“Did I love him once? The other me that is.” Sehun stops his hands and stays frozen for a long time. He seems to be a bit taken back by my question.

 

 

 

“Yes, you did, Kai.” Sehun answers sadly, “You loved him once.”

 

 

 

I turn my head to the side and blink as I watch Sehun try to busy himself again by putting metal parts together. I then look to the ground getting lost in my thoughts.

 

 

 

I loved him.

 

 

 

I loved Kyungsoo.

 

 

 

Why then?

 

 

 

Why can’t I love him again?

 

 

 

What is love?

 

 

 

What does it feel like?

 

 

 

Love.

 

 

 

I don’t know.

 

 

 

“You are cruel, Sehun.” I say out loud while still looking to the ground.

 

 

 

Sehun continues to put parts together, but I know he had heard me and his ragged breathing tells me that he is trying not to cry, “I am sorry, Kai. I truly am.”

 

 

 

He then takes me by the chin, after setting the metal parts down on top of the table, and presses a soft kiss to my forehead before whispering into my ear, “Just go to sleep.”

 

 

 

I close my eyes and feel Sehun inject a cord into the back of my head before everything goes black.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

I am at Kyungsoo’s house today, but Sehun doesn’t know this. He told me that I shouldn’t see Kyungsoo anymore because I’ll only end up hurting him, but for some reason I want to see Kyungsoo more now. I want to because I learn new things whenever I am with him, but lately he has been acting different.

 

 

 

His smile will falter every time he sees me and the crinkle that would appear near his eyes when he is happy no longer shows. His figure has gotten thinner and his porcelain white skin has become a ghastly grey color. The warm aura he usually gives off has now been replaced by something unknown to me, and he always looks as if he’s in a faraway place—a place where no one can save him.

 

 

 

Right now he’s staring at the falling snow that’s outside his window. Every now and then a lonely expression will come across his face as he thinks to himself. I watch him with silent eyes, naturally catching every little movement he does.

 

 

 

His hand is now reaching out to the clouded window and his index finger is outstretched, almost touching the smooth glass.  Once his finger touches the surface he begins to write something, and when he finishes he limply lets his hand fall back to his side. From where I sat on the couch I couldn’t see what he had written.

 

 

 

The silence between us finally gets broken by his gentle voice.

 

 

 

“Happy Birthday, Kai.”

 

 

 

He turns his head away from the window and smiles to me. I tilt my head to the side and blink. It has become a natural habit for me to do this gesture whenever I do not understand something. Kyungsoo usually laughs more heartily or smiles more widely whenever I do this.

 

 

 

“My birthday?”

 

 

 

“Yes, Kai, today is January fourteenth, your birthday.” He says as he slowly walks up to me.

 

 

 

He finally reaches to where I am and stands in front of me. I look into his eyes and see hesitance behind them, but there’s also something else. It’s an emotion I’m beginning to be familiarized with, but am not entirely sure of. His hand suddenly caresses my cheek and for a moment I think to myself that I have felt this touch before.

 

 

 

Suddenly a vision of some sort flashes before me. All I could make out from it was broken shards of ice and water surrounding someone. The setting is also very familiar. It looked like the frozen lake that Kyungsoo had showed me during Christmas. I didn’t think much of it though seeing that Kyungsoo was hovering over me now.

 

 

 

“Kyungsoo.”

 

 

 

“Hmm?” He says while boldly sitting himself onto my lap.

 

 

 

“It’s not my birthday.”

 

 

 

“What are you saying, Kai? Of course it’s your birthday.” His hands are cupping both of my cheeks now.

 

 

 

“No, it’s not. It’s his.”

 

 

 

The other me.       

 

 

 

Kyungsoo smiles weakly, a pained expression obvious on his face. He then slowly places his forehead onto mine and closes his eyes, “Then let’s pretend it’s your birthday today. Is that alright?”

 

 

 

I didn’t reply. I could only stare at him.

 

 

 

“Just this once let me be foolish, okay, Kai?” He says softly, yet brokenheartedly, “Just this once—”

 

 

 

Again, I didn’t reply and just continued to stare at him. It seemed like Kyungsoo didn’t really care for an answer, however. He slightly opens his eyes and leans away from me for a second before leaning forward again, his eyes transfixed to my lips.

 

 

 

A kiss.

 

 

 

Sehun would always give me kisses, but they were always on my forehead never once has he ever given me a kiss on the lips. It’s a strange feeling being kissed by Kyungsoo. His lips are soft and they are slightly chapped from the cold, but they feel warm when they are pressed up against my own. The only thing is, just like anything else, I am not affected by it. My eyes stay open the entire time as I look down at Kyungsoo. Tentatively he moves his lips against mine, but I give him no response. He suddenly pulls away and chokes back a sob.

 

 

 

“I’m sorry…” his fists are tightly gripped onto my shirt and his head is held downward on my chest.

 

 

 

“Kyungsoo.”

 

 

 

He shakes his head back in forth, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have—”

 

               

 

I bring his face up so I can see him more clearly and wipe the tears away from his cheeks. He always tells me he cries because he is happy, but I doubt these are tears of joy.

               

 

 

“You don’t need to apologize, Kyungsoo.”

 

               

 

“But, I do.” More tears collect in the corner of his eyes, “I just,” He suddenly leans forward, “I just—” his lips are now hovering over mine once again, “I just love you so much, Kai. I really do.” Tears begin to make its way down and some of the droplets end up falling against my own cheeks. “Please, just kiss me, Kai. Just once. Kiss me, please. Please—”

               

 

 

He continues to plead and I am unsure whether I should oblige or reject. Kissing is a sign of showing one’s affection. I am incapable of feeling those kinds of emotions, which will only result in unsatisfying Kyungsoo’s wishes. But I am Kyungsoo love, am I not? I do not know what love is, but if my purpose is to be Kyungsoo’s lover then I will do just that.

               

 

 

Letting my programming take over, I use both of my hands to slowly caress his face and lean forward. A single tear travels down Kyungsoo’s face when he closes his eyes. I hear a quiet sigh escape his lips when I slowly move my lips against his. He then whimpers quietly, trying to hold in his sobs when I slowly part his mouth with my tongue. Kyungsoo’s hands suddenly pull me closer to his small frame before he wraps his arms around my neck. He then frantically deepens our kiss almost as if he was afraid I was going to disappear at any given time.

 

               

 

Kyungsoo finally pulls away gasping for air. His tears are staining his cheeks and I can see them glisten from the light that is shining through the window, but his smile is what shines the most. He moves a bit to place his head in-between my shoulder and neck while his arms wrap comfortably around my waist   

 

               

 

“I love you.” He whispers.

 

               

 

My eyes trail upwards to the window Kyungsoo was at earlier. The fog is slowly dispersing along with the words Kyungsoo had written there, but the letters are still visible enough for me to read.

 

               

 

Do you love me?

 

               

 

I kiss the top of Kyungsoo’s head and hold him protectively, “Yes, Kyungsoo. I love you.”

 

 

               

---

 

 

 

Red.

               

 

 

It’s the color of my scarf sprawled against shattering blades of ice. The color is vivid, a harsh contrast to the dull white landscape that surrounds me.

 

                 

 

There’s screaming and shouting in the distance and I find myself wanting to join in with the chorus, but I can’t. My voice continues to fail me as I gag my breaths away each time the icy, cold waters come to fill up my lungs. I try my hardest to pull myself to shore, but my body rejects my wishes. Instead they plead for me to stop, which I comply by going ahead and letting the numbness overtake me little by little. There’s no point in struggling against the inevitable. I know my time is coming soon anyway.

 

               

 

My impending thoughts of doom are interrupted when a boy my age stands in front of him, a boy whom I have wanted, yet didn’t expect to see—Kyungsoo.  

 

                 

 

I suddenly feel angry after piecing all of the puzzle pieces together and in that moment I find the strength to speak, but my voice comes out exasperated and broken.

 

               

 

“Why?”

 

               

 

Kyungsoo, who is standing before me, is now kneeling down, carefully caressing both of my cheeks with warm hands. A smirk appears on his face, but his eyes are sympathetic as he looks down at me. Kyungsoo then speaks making sure I was looking at him straight in the eyes, “It’s because I gave you my heart, Jongin, but you wouldn’t give me yours.”

 

               

 

I start to gag once again when the icy, cold waters forces its way inside of my body. It restricts me from being able to respond back to him. My teeth are now chattering loudly as I grip Kyungsoo’s arm with my hands for leverage, although with difficulty since both of my wrists were tied together. I feel too weak to hold onto him any longer. 

 

               

 

Kyungsoo then pulls me up by the hair to keep me from sinking and surprisingly he does this with the utmost care before whispering quietly into my ear, “Since I can’t have your heart I decided I should take it away from you instead. That way no one else can have it, but me.”

               

 

 

Those very words echo repeatedly in my head as my vision begins to turn grey. The cold, biting waters are taking away even more of my life, that is, whatever life that is still left inside of me. I can no longer fight against this numbing feeling and I find myself welcoming it with open arms instead, fulfilling my body’s wishful pleading to accept my unfortunate fate.

 

 

 

My mind is also becoming blank, but I try my best to stay focused, and I do this by concentrating all of my attention to Kyungsoo, who still continues to caress my cheeks lovingly with warm hands—even though this type of situation was hardly a time for such intimate interaction—strangely, I found it comforting.

 

               

 

“You know that I love you, right? I love you. I love you so much, Jongin.”

 

 

 

I try to say something back, but being on the brink of death makes it difficult for me to form words. I now regret not telling Kyungsoo sooner before everything fell into ruins that I also love him too. Yes—despite it being his fault for me dying right now before his very eyes in a half frozen lake, I still love him—I love him so very much.

 

               

 

I must be insane.

               

 

 

And because I no longer have the strength to speak, I opt to smile at Kyungsoo instead, hoping that he’ll understand that this was my way of saying I know that he loves me and that I also love him back.

 

               

 

I begin to wonder where things had gone wrong for it to become like this—ha. What does it matter? I don’t have the time to ponder on all of my mistakes for there is nothing I can do to fix them now. What’s done has been done. For now, before death completely takes me away, I’ll enjoy the warmth of Kyungsoo’s hands against my cheeks. That’s the least I can do for something as tragic as this so I just continue to smile.

 

 

 

“Why couldn’t you just give me your heart, Jongin?” Kyungsoo whispers, a tear escaping from his eye as he holds onto my almost lifeless body in his arms, “Now your heart will always be as cold as ice.”

 

 

 

My smile is now gone, my lips blue, and my eyes grey as I take in Kyungsoo’s final words with me before my world becomes a permanent black.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

I wake up to Sehun mumbling something incoherently under his breath once he unplugs the cord from the back of my head. He then turns around to type something into his computer and takes a sip from his coffee mug, which he immediately spits back out.

               

 

 

“Argh, it’s already cold.” Sehun mutters angrily as he sets the cup back down and resumes typing a series of numbers on the screen.

               

 

 

I stare at him and sit myself back up on the examination bed.

 

               

 

“Sehun?” I call out.

 

               

 

He doesn’t say anything and continues to type codes into his computer.

               

 

 

“Sehun?”

               

 

 

He still doesn’t reply, his fingers typing with such ferocity that the keys might end up getting permanently jammed into his keyboard. Since he was ignoring me, I opted to look around the room expecting Luhan to be tinkering around with the other androids that Sehun also kept in the lab, but he was nowhere to be found. If Luhan isn’t here and Sehun is in an irritable mood then they must have gotten into some kind of argument while I was rebooting.

 

               

 

“Sehun.” I try again, finally getting a response from my creator.

               

 

 

“What?” He says angrily.

 

               

 

“I had a weird dream.”

 

               

 

“Dream?” Sehun says with a slight scoff, “You can’t dream, Kai. I’ve told you countless times before already. The images that you see while you’re asleep are probably just the updates I’ve been programming into your processor.”

               

 

 

“No, this was a dream.”

               

 

 

“No, Kai.” Sehun counters back with alarming authority, “You are an android. Androids cannot dream.”

               

 

 

“Maybe it wasn’t a dream. Maybe it was a memory.” Sehun is about to interject, but I beat him to it, “It was of Kyungsoo and another man—a man named Jongin.” Sehun suddenly stops typing right after I mention the man’s name. His shoulders visibly tense and his breath gets caught up in his throat. I continue to talk despite seeing my creator in shock. “Kyungsoo told Jongin that he loved him. Does that mean that this man, Jongin, is me? The real me?”

 

               

 

Sehun is unmoving. It takes a good long minute for him to straighten himself up before turning around in his chair to face me. He is no longer angry, just tired and broken. His eyes droop with an incredible sadness and I think longing for something, or maybe even someone whom he could never obtain. Jongin perhaps? He slowly stands up and walks over, placing a hand on top of my head before ruffling my hair a bit.

 

               

 

“No, Kai.” He says quietly with a sad smile, “Jongin is not you, nor are you Jongin because Jongin is Jongin and you are you. Do you understand?”

 

               

 

“No. I do not understand.”

 

               

 

Sehun leans down and lightly kisses my forehead, his lips lingering a bit against my skin, “One day you will.”

 

               

 

As Sehun walks out of the room I sit still on the examination bed and look to the floor contemplating to myself.

 

               

 

Will I ever understand?

 

 

 

---

 

 

               

It’s nearing the end of winter, but the air still feels cold. I have gotten closer to Kyungsoo, yet at the same time I have gotten farther away from him as well. He seems to be afraid of something, but whenever I try to ask him, he avoids my questions every time. I try not to ask him anymore, for he turns into a violent person, becoming angry at the world for a reason I do not know of. But I think that maybe he’s mad at himself more than anything else. He then cries for a long while before apologizing and hugging me close, begging me with silent words to comfort him. As an android I do not understand what I should do or what I should say, so I can only watch him in some form of curiosity. The only thing I can do is observe and do what I am told to do based on my programming. However, somewhere deep inside, I think I am beginning to understand human pain, not physically, but mentally. And I know Do Kyungsoo is lost and broken.

 

 

 

---

 

 

               

“Kai, do you love me?”

               

 

 

“Of course, Kyungsoo. I love you.”

               

 

 

Kyungsoo stays silent from my response and quietly sips his morning coffee. I can tell that he’s trying to avoid eye contact with me even though I am sitting across from him at the kitchen table. From the way the sun rays pass through the window and shines on him I can see that he has gotten paler. His cheeks have also started to sink in.

 

               

 

There’s a small tack sound from his cup when he sets it down on to the table. He then straightens himself up in his chair and finally looks over to me with unreadable eyes.

               

 

 

“Why?” He says suddenly, “Why do you love me? What is it that you love about me?”

               

 

 

I reach over to take his hands into mine and smile softly, “I simply love everything about you, Kyungsoo. Do I have to be specific?”

               

 

 

“Yes.” He says immediately.

 

               

 

I slowly get up from my chair, but keep a hold of Kyungsoo’s hand in my own as I keep eye contact with him, “I love the sound of your voice especially when you laugh.” I grip his hand a little bit tighter, “I love the way your hands make me feel warm whenever you hold me close.” I round the corner of the table and step closer to him, “I love the way you smile and cry at the same time when you’re really happy.” I caress his right cheek, “I love how you are always so kind and gentle.” I am now leaning over him, “I love your adoring eyes and how I always get lost in them.” His eyes flutter shut and I press a kiss to each eyelid, “And I love how every time I kiss you it feels like it’s my first, always different and new” his eyes slightly open when I trail my thumb across his bottom lip, “I love you, Kyungsoo. Everything about you.”

 

 

 

And that’s when we kiss.

               

 

 

The feeling is different and the feeling is new exactly like how I had said it to him, but there is something else, something missing.

 

               

 

Kyungsoo probably feels it too.

               

 

 

No.

               

 

 

Kyungsoo probably already knows—how we both know—that whatever this is, this relationship of ours, is a lie.

 

               

 

That’s right. It’s all a lie.

               

 

 

I should feel frustrated, angry, and sad, but I do not. I am an android and androids cannot feel.

 

               

 

My name is Kai, but I play the role of a man named Jongin.

 

               

 

I have come to realize that Kyungsoo has never loved me. It does not matter if my name means Kyungsoo’s Love, or that my purpose is to love him. He has and always will love Jongin.

 

               

 

I am only a mere imitation of him, a man whom I can never be.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

               

Winter is getting warmer and warmer by the day. It’s been awhile since it has last snowed, however there’s still plenty of snow that’s left on the ground. It’s peaceful when the snow is laid out on the fields like this. The wind being its ever faithful friend as it mindlessly sings its cold melody to skitter across the land. That same wind is now harmoniously embracing my body before flitting its way over to the park’s swing set that is in front of me. I listen to the metal chains of the swings clink against one another, and stare vacantly at them as if they’ll give me an answer to all of my questions.

 

               

 

Kyungsoo has gone missing. No one knows exactly for how long. I have checked all the places where he could have been—his home, his work, the coffee shop, the downtown marketplace, the karaoke bar, the park, but he’s nowhere to be found. There’s still one place I haven’t looked yet, and somehow I know he’ll most likely be there.

 

               

 

The wind is caressing me again, coaxing me to turn my head around. I willingly oblige and notice a track of small footprints that are embedded in the snow covered field, the same field where I had first encountered Kyungsoo. These tracks must be his. I look towards the forest and follow after the footprints, fixing the falling red scarf that is wrapped around my neck.

               

 

 

When I approach the edge of the forest the tracks are harder to make out, but it’s fine since I know exactly where Kyungsoo has destined himself off to. I push away the dead branches and find myself hurrying my pace. I could not understand the reasons for my actions, but I know something is wrong and that I have to hurry.

               

 

 

I finally got to the last branch and shove it to the side, stepping out onto flat ground. I shift my eyes all across the lake, but there is no Kyungsoo. Calmly I approach the partially frozen lake. It is cracked completely in the middle with small frozen blocks floating on top of the cold water, but it is still mostly solid ice around the edges. I scan the area more carefully this time and stop myself when I finally see him. He is turned slightly sideways, unconscious, and barely floating in the water. There’s no time to waste. I run across the frozen ice until it gives way, and jump into the below freezing water. I swim nonstop towards Kyungsoo and grab him when I am in reach. I then pull him back towards land, dragging both our bodies over the embankment.

               

 

 

I quickly hover over him to check his vitals. His breathing is very shallow and his heartbeat is so slow it almost sounds like he had no heartbeat at all. I push his hair back from all around his face and quickly did resuscitation on him. On the third try he finally responds and coughs out water, blinking up at me with confusion.

 

               

 

“Kyungsoo.”

               

 

 

“K-Kai…” He coughs again.

               

 

 

“Why did you do that, Kyungsoo?”

 

               

 

I try to gather him into my arms to warm him up, but he pushes me away. He finally relents and lets me cradle him since he is too weak to actually put any kind of effort into his strength.

               

 

 

He then looks away from me and whispers, “Jongin—”

               

 

 

“Jongin?”

 

               

 

“Yes. Jongin.” he repeats.

 

               

 

“You did this because of Jongin? Why, Kyungsoo?”

 

               

 

Kyungsoo becomes silent, but his expression clearly speaks for him instead. Tears start to reveal themselves from under his closed eyelids and he bites down harshly on his bottom lip to keep his wails from spewing out. He then clenches his stomach, which makes my hand that is holding him there move away. The wetness under my palm feels warm when it should have been cold because of the water that had soaked in Kyungsoo’s clothes. I look at our surroundings and it’s when I finally notice it.     

 

               

 

Red.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo’s blood.

 

 

               

 

It taints the beautiful white of snow, spreading like wildfire around us, and sinking even deeper into the frail, porcelain earth. There’s nothing I can do to save its purity, so there’s no choice, but to leave it alone.

 

               

 

I pull him closer to my body and turn my hand over to see my palm completely covered in his fresh blood.

 

 

               

“Kyungsoo, why?”

 

               

 

“I miss him. I miss Jongin. I want him.” He says in between gasps and cries, “I want him back, but he can’t come back, so I thought—I thought I should just go to him instead.”

 

 

 

“Kyungsoo, I don’t understand.”

 

               

 

“It happened a long time ago.” He says weakly, “He died and I—I was the one who killed him—”

               

 

 

I look down at his face as he looks up stoically to mine. It contrasts greatly with his tear stained face.

 

               

 

Kyungsoo killed him? Kyungsoo killed Jongin?

 

               

 

I try to process what he had told me, but even with my intelligent mind I can’t understand why he would kill the man he had loved so much.

 

               

 

But at least there’s something that I can finally understand now. That dream, or memory, that I had seen that night on that examination bed when I watched Jongin drown, it had happened here in this very lake. That’s right, Jongin had died and it was done by Kyungsoo’s hand.

 

               

 

I shake my head, “It doesn’t mean that you have to die.” I try my best to cover up his wound, which I presumed he caused by stabbing himself with a sharp blade of ice when he tried drowning himself, but Kyungsoo only struggles against me.

 

               

 

“No, leave me! Stop! I want to see him! I want Jongin!”

 

               

 

I grab a hold of him and press our foreheads together using both of my arms to trap him against me, “What about me? Can’t I make you happy? Kyungsoo—I’m your love aren’t I? Why can’t it be me?”

 

               

 

His sobs make it hard for him to speak, but if I had a heart his words would have probably broken it, “Because you are Kai, and not Jongin.”

 

               

 

Sehun was right.

 

 

 

“Jongin is not you, nor are you Jongin because Jongin is Jongin and you are you.”

               

 

 

I finally understand it now.

               

 

 

“If you love me, Kai, then let me go.”

 

               

 

And because I am Kai, Kyungsoo’s love, I grant his wish.

 

 

 

‘I’m crying because I am happy, Kai’

 

               

 

I want to cry too, Kyungsoo, but I don’t think it’s because I’ll be happy.

 

               

 

Even after all this time I’ll always be as cold as ice

 

 

--- End ---

 

 

 

A/N:

Kyungsoo’s version Liquescent will be coming soon (haha not really, but it’s currently in the works).

<3 dububrit-on