All you could hear was a crack. Then a thump. Then silence. What you heard was a man's heart breaking into pieces. One by one but very slowly throughout his life. They were falling onto the ground. No one could help him because no one could hear him. But also, no one bothered to. 

       To this day, he still cowers away in his fears. He had always been the quiet student sitting in the corner of the class. Whether he was there or not, it did not affect anyone. And when he was there, he would be writing all his notes for his classes while everyone else would be laughing or giggling or talking. At least, someone would listen to them. When everyone was outside for lunch break or whatnot, he would be sitting there alone with his lunch box in the classroom. There was no one to share it with. He would look outside and watch other people having. Fun without him. 

       When he entered high school, he was still a loner. But then he was getting stares and odd looks. He looked at himself. Was it the way he dressed? He thought he dressed perfectly fine. Nice jeans and a t – shirt or the occasional sweater with a perfectly normal backpack. Was someone finally noticing him for once? He did not understand. Once in a while, he got smiles and grins. However, he did not understand what was wrong with him. Throughout his high school career, he did not make any friends. He was still lonely and alone. At one point, in junior year, he thought he was fat. All the stares was getting to his heads. He looked at his thighs and thought, well, they are kind of thick. Then he looked at his arms and thought perhaps they could be a bit thinner. And he did know that he had a slight belly. And that is where dieting happened. Binging and eating less everyday was part of his routine at one point of his life. 

       In the beginning, he started eating just healthier than he normally did. He felt great and ecstatic. He was pleased with his results. But then, he thought he could do better. And that was the greater downfall of his teenager years. After meals or no meals, he would be hovering over the toilet.  He became more pale and more irritated. But because he had no friends, he couldn't just lash out at anyone. His marks were going lower and lower. This man was always upset with everything. Instead of keeping it to himself, he wrote song lyrics. However, sometimes, you would just see him crying with his knees tucked in. He would question himself, “What the hell is wrong with me?” However, he did know after some time, he had to pick up his life and graduate. He ate as much as his body would allow him. He did not care about the looks, stares and smiles he got in the hallways. His mind may have been negative but he wanted a positive life in the future. At the end of senior year, he got his high school diploma with his name on it in a pretty font: Kim Jongdae.  

       When he first walked into college, he thought maybe things will brighten up. Throughout the years, he had girls asking him out on dates. Some were just openly flirting with him. Kim Jongdae was absolutely a shy man. He did not know how to socialize with people. He would turn down any dates. He thought to himself that if he were to go on a date, he wouldn't know how to treat them right. And he didn't want them to be disappointed. However, things actually did look up when one day, a handsome young man decided to introduce himself and stick with Jongdae like glue during his third year. “Hello, my name is Wu Yifan. What's your name?”   

       However, he stuttered. All he saw was a wonderful man with a gummy smile. A greek god. However, his eyebrows were kind of a bit thick. But none the less, his heart was slowly sewing itself up and mending itself. “H-h-hi, my name is Kim Jongdae.” At which point, they became friends. Perhaps even best friends. Jongdae had no idea what this feeling was. According to the dictionary, they called it happiness. He has never felt like this before and from then, he was constantly smiling. 

       They would have fun going out to arcades, watching movies and doing things friends would do. Yifan even managed to get him out of his shell. He was introduced to a group of Yifan's friends and they were happy to accept him. And then, because of all this, Jongdae finally thought he had a reason to get up in the morning. 

        However, when night came, he dreaded it the most. When he crawled underneath his blankets, he feared the worst. He would would be alone with his thoughts. And they were nothing close to rainbow pooping unicorns or cotton candy clouds. They were dark and scary thoughts.  

       Later on in his life, perhaps in his late twenties, Yifan and Jongdae got married. It was a simple wedding as Jongdae was a simple man himself. A few close friends and family were there to celebrate with them. A wonderful milestone in life.  

      To this day, he still questions why would Yifan want to marry a man like him. He remembers when they first started dating, he couldn't hold his lover's hand. All he could heard were hushed whispers and feel judging stares. He remembers their knees touching while they were on a bus as it took a sharp turn. Exploding feelings were there. Jongdae hitched a breath and Yifan, o Yifan, looked at him and gently intertwined their fingers. Blood ran up Jongdae's cheeks. 

        He has only had Wu Yifan mainly in his life. He wonders if this happiness is going to go away. But when he goes to bed, he thinks to himself, he does not deserve this happiness. He has been alone for most of his life; why would he be getting greatness in life all of a sudden? And then, tears start forming and he tries to hold back his sobs. Nothing lasts forever.  

       These thoughts have been running in his head for so many years. He knows; Jongdae knows. He can feel his heart sinking every time he goes to bed. He wishes he could sleep away these horrible thoughts. And on more terrible days, he wishes that when he goes to sleep, he will never wake up. But he also wonders why is he so sad when he is also happy? 

       For years, even before meeting Yifan, he has been crying his heart out before going to sleep. Jongdae would cry silently to himself so no one can hear him.  He hasn't told anyone about these horrible thoughts in his head. And it amazes Jongdae that he still cries even when Yifan is right next to him peacefully sleeping.  

       But to this day, he knows. O he knows that this sadness and madness will stop one day. He will know why he deserves all this happiness. That day is just not today but maybe some other day.  He knows that he is a good and strong person even if he doesn't feel like that all the time.  However, things truly do get better and that one day, he will get through this.