I need you and you want me, in this planet called earth

Every, every, every day, the history that I make

I turned up the volume, knowing what was coming next.

Break it! The breaking of desire

Move it—

“Hey! Why did you stop it?”

He looked back at me with defiant eyes, drawing away the finger he had used to turn the stereo off. With both hands on the wheel, he glared at me. He turned away and I leaned back on the passenger’s seat.

“Cut it out, okay?”

“But it’s—“

“What? Joonmyun?”

Kris was going on again with that blameful tone of his.

“It’s done. Get over it,” he said, seething. Kris had a quiet voice and it got even quieter when he was mad.

“I mean, he has. So why can’t you?”

I remained silent, choosing to focus on the window and the dark, silent figures that passed us by. Tears would have been welling up in my eyes right now if I had not been used to this attitude of his. Kris was not cruel, no. But he would rather be someone who hurt, than be hurt, himself.

It was either him or the people around him.

And Kris was pretty selfish.

But he was my best friend and I had already accepted that.

“Look, I’m sorry. I just don’t want to see you break your own heart, while he goes off sauntering around like he’s the happiest guy on earth.”

I breathed, “And why can’t he ‘saunter off’ that way? He has every right to be happy.”

We were caught in traffic and he took it as a chance to face me.

“I wouldn’t be happy if I ended up losing you.”

I looked away and crossed my arms.

Kris had tried. He had tried very hard to make me forget him.

But I could not.

There was no way at all that I was going to let him do that.

“It was my choice.”

He let the monotone drag on for a while, driving wordlessly. I sat beside him, wishing we could get home as fast as possible. I decided that I wanted a break from seeing Kris after this.

I was getting a little tired of taking so much from him when I had a lot to hold in already.

“I just think it’s pointless.”

Reluctant, I brought my gaze to his direction.

“What’s pointless?”

“How you can love someone who can’t even fight for you,” he said, reaching out to take my hand.

I remained static and still under his touch.

“It’s all pointless.”

I felt my bottled-up anger cracking, faster than I could take, faster than I could control.

“Can you shut up?!”

I shrugged his hold off of me, harder than I thought I could.

“You have no idea, okay?! This is none of your concern, understand?!”

Complete.

Utter.

Silence.

“Just take me home.”

He exhaled and I took in an angry, exasperated breathe of air.

His grip on the wheel tightened and I could see how his fists had grown rigid.

And for no apparent reason, I suddenly felt scared.

“It’s blurry. It’s all so blurry.”

His tone had turned more grim than quiet.

I rolled my eyes with spite, “Clearly, Kris. Clearly. You’re blurring the lines between my business and yours.”

“No,”

He faced me and I saw fear in his eyes.

“Everything’s blurry.”

For the first time that night, I found myself actually looking at him. Not just a passing glance or a brief flicker, but a gaze that could only be direct.

I noticed how flushed his face was, how red his eyes were, how he was not exactly himself.

I leaned closer and for the first time that night, I caught the scent of alcohol dancing in the air around us.

Around him.

Dread began to spread over me like wildfire.

“Kris, just relax.”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

We were in a highway, in the middle of speeding cars, running at a potentially dangerous speed.

And I was stuck with a drunk, erratic driver.

 “Kris, just relax and pull over.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

The agony was evident in Kris’ voice.

I have never seen him this way.

He was a person that was so strong in being and so firm in manner.

So stable.

And he was breaking down in front of my very eyes.

“No, Kris. No. Please.”

“You know, there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you,”

I was trembling, in every single sense of the word.

“I think you know it already, but I’m going to say it, anyway,”

I was shaking with panic and pandemonium.

“I know I have to stop feeling this way. I know I have to end it. Tonight,”

End.

Tonight.

I could not even find it in myself to cry because he was shedding enough tears already.

 “I love you.”

Those were his last words.

A collision.

A crash.

A blast.

And then there was nothing.

Nothing.