"Taeyeon-ah, what's wrong with you?"

I heard Sunny's voice and felt her hand poking my shoulders. I was just finished showering to make my body relax from all the exhaustion due to the concert. We had just finished our first day concert in Saitama, but my heart was already too tired for the second day tomorrow.

I saw Sunny's eyes through her reflection in the mirror in front of us. We were both in our room. I saw Sunny was still with her make-up and hadn't washed yet.

"Nothing" I tried to be as ignorant as I could. "Why?"

"Oh, there you go again. Acting if nothing's wrong when there's obviously is. To be honest, Taeyeon. I'm tired with this"

"What do you mean you're tired with this? I said nothing's wrong!"

"Do I always have to be the one pointing out what is wrong!?" Sunny began yelling at me. "You walked off the stage with a bloated face full of anger. Do you think I can't see it?"

"I walked off the stage like that because I was tired!" I yelled back. "What about you yourself!? You always ask me what is wrong when you're even wrong yourself!"

"Why am I wrong!? What did I do!?"

I sighed and looked at the door. At this rate, I was afraid everyone would hear our confrontation. The other members needed to sleep. We had to stop this. Apparently Sunny was also thinking the same.

"I'm sleeping outside on the sofa tonight" She said coldly, and then stepped out of the room.

I looked at the door she had just closed. No, I didn't want her to sleep outside, on the rough sofa, in the cold living room where the wind could easily blow inside from the balcony door. I was about to cry when she left, but my ego held me back from the tears.

I finished putting on my night lotion and cream. I jumped to my bed and pulled the blanket until it covered my face. I wished I would immediately fall asleep and forget everything, then when I woke up it would be morning where everything was fine again.

Fifteen minutes...

Forty-five minutes...

An hour...

An hour and twenty minutes.

The clock kept ticking, and here I was, still wide awake. My eyes wouldn't close longer than 5 minutes. My heart kept beating fast, groaning for someone. My brain kept working, bringing me back to the same memory again and again. And I started to rewind what had happened today, little by little.

Why didn't Sunny realize it? She always asked me what was wrong, but why never she realized that the problem for me was herself? She always told me I was her only one, but how could I believe when she always treated Jessica like that, too? What was with her and Jessica? Were they really only best friends?

That day earlier, during the ending of the concert, I stood beside Sunny. Among the members, I had always chosen to stand beside her whenever we did our ending bow to the fans. And Jessica... That girl was always clinging around Sunny as well. I still remembered very clearly, how that day, Jessica hugged Sunny from the back just like that. Beside me, in front of my eyes. Like I wasn't there. They would look like a perfect couple if maknae hadn't joined the hug. My heart was aching but I tried to endure it. I put my hand beside Sunny, hoping she would soon let go of Jessica's hug and hold my hand instead.

But she didn't.

I waited until the last couple of seconds. My hand was obviously there, right beside hers. All she had to do was grab it and hold it tight, and then we would bow together. Was it so hard for her to do that? When we finally had to bow, I forgot my hope to hold hands with her and just lifted up my right hand by myself. Then, out of nowhere she just reached out her hand to the air, searching for my hand, and finally grabbed it.

When we were in the middle of bowing, I stole a glance at Sunny's other hand. I saw it reaching out for Jessica's and saw how they intertwined their fingers perfectly. My hands were almost trembling because of that. It made me hurt and mad, I didn't know why. I then abruptly let go of Sunny's fingers when we finally ended the bow.

As if not aware of my feelings, Sunny and Jessica didn't stop. They continued laughing at each other behind me while all I could do myself was stood frozen in front of the fans. I was too frozen to lift my hands again and wave to the fans, but I forced it. It was too heavy for my legs to go away from the stage, but I forced it.

After I finished replaying the hurting memory, I wept away the tears that had fallen on my cheeks without my permission. I punched my pillow hard and gritted my teeth. Sunny, did you know that being jealous was this painful!? I was jealous, Sunny. I was jealous. Jealous. Jealous. Did you understand or not!?

I had to stop this. I couldn't let my eyes turn puffy and red when I woke up next morning and made everyone wondering why. Once again I threw away the tears with my fingers. I took my phone and decided to play with it. I opened my instagram account I had just created a few days ago. Reading the comments from the fans made me giggle a bit. Then, a sudden idea popped out of my mind.

I tip-toed to the living room to check if Sunny was outside. Surprisingly, she wasn't there. Maybe she was in Jessica's room to talk about me, or taking a shower. I stepped again slowly and looked around the room to find an object I could picture to my Instagram. After a few minutes of screening, my eyes fell on my own white sneakers. I smiled and approached it.  Carefully, I took the picture of my own sneakers and post it to my Instagram. This would make the fans happy, I thought. If they were happy, then I'd be happy, too. I was about to stand up and go back to the bedroom when I noticed something. Sunny's sneakers.

I bit my lips. It was weird because all I saw was Sunny's sneakers, but it reminded me of her, again. I smiled a little at how our sneakers were placed so near, even facing each other. Soon, a thousand of random memories suddenly crossed back to my mind.

The memory when we were recording our Dangerous Boys variety show almost two years ago, when she randomly pulled my hoodie to cover my head. The memory during the Golden Disk Awards in 2010, when I was sobbing so hard, she just hugged me and comforted me. The memory of our nights in the dorm, when we were still living together. Sunny had always taken care of me. Was I being too selfish and sensitive?

I released a heavy sigh before finally stepping back to the bedroom. I wished I would really close my eyes and fall asleep this time. I bumped myself on the bed and closed my eyes. I hoped for an instant sleep but apparently my whole body was rejecting.

What if we kept fighting until the next day? What if Sunny didn't come back and sleep here ever again? What if we would never talk to each other again?

Kim Taeyeon, you didn't want that, did you?

CLICK!

The sudden sound of the door knob turning completely shocked me. Then, someone was stepping inside. Who was it? Jessica? Tiffany? Sunny?

I heard the person laying down herself on the bed and pull the blanket. I dared myself to turn around. I saw a short, blonde hair girl with a white t-shirt on the bed, with her back facing me.

"It's too cold to sleep outside. If you don't like me being here just pretend I'm not here" The blonde girl said.

I bit my lips and couldn't stand myself. I walked out of my own bed and ran to the other girl. I threw myself beside her and hugged her from behind. I was crying. The blonde girl seemed shocked too.

"Taeyeon-ah..." She turned her body to face me.

"Sunny, sorry" My face was now facing hers and she could clearly see my wet cheeks, but I didn't care. "Sorry, I... You know I'm not good at expressing myself... I'm so sorry"

I could sense her smiling to comfort me.

"Ssshh.. Taeyeon-ah. Don't cry" She began wiping away my tears. "It's okay. I understand. Don't cry anymore. There's no need to cry. I'm not mad. I'm not angry. Okay?"

Constantly, I could feel her arms hugging me. Her fingers were carressing my back. I nodded to her and forced my tears to stop coming out.

"I know you're always taking care of me, but I was so selfish and sensitive. I didn't even think about your feelings" I continued.

Sunny shook. "I.. also feel bad for myself for still not being able to understand you. Honestly, I can't sleep outside, not because it's cold. But because I can't sleep without you by my side"

She cupped my temple.

"You also can't sleep?"

She nodded. "I tried to but I couldn't. I felt somehow... lost"

I laughed and she followed along. I lingered my arms around her waist. "I was jealous, Sunny"

"Huh?"

"I was angry because I was jealous"

"Jealous because of...?"

"...Jessica"

"Jessica?"

"Yes..."

"I thought you're angry because I didn't hold your hand earlier"

"Well, that too, but... To be honest, I couldn't stand it when I saw Jessica hugging you from behind. You two looked like a perfect couple"

Sunny laughed while trying to tidy up my bang. "Taeyeon, we're all friends here. And Jessica simply likes touching people, just like me. When I do it to Hyoyeon, she'll be angry. But Jessica... She likes it too that we can't help but touching each other"

"Do you love her?"

"Eh?"

"Do you love Jessica?"

"I do, as a best friend" Sunny smiled again. "And one more secret.. Jessica loves teasing you, Taeyeon"

My face turned red. "Why?"

"She said you are often too shy to express your love to me. She said to me several times like 'Why doesn't Taeyeon hold your hands often? Why doesn't Taeyeon hug you? Why is Taeyeon not brave enough to talk to you and stare at your eyes?' All those things drive her crazy, she said"

I gulped. I was wrong all this time. I was the one being too selfish. I always wanted Sunny to hold me, but I never held her. I always wanted her to talk to me, but I barely started any conversation first.

"I'm sorry" I finally replied. "It's maybe because I can't express my feelings very well. But I promise... Starting this moment, I would express myself better, especially to you"

I leaned my face closer and kissed her lips, making Sunny's face brighten so much.

"That's a kiss I have been waiting for" She commented.

We hugged again, closed our eyes together and fell asleep at the same moment not long after that.

The next day, I was back to my cheerful self. I felt like I had been more honest to myself. I ran around the stage joyfully and waved to the fans, smiling to them from the deepest of my happiest heart. Sunny did a fail ball throw that day, making everyone laugh. She squatted in front of me and touched my legs, pretending to be sorry for hitting our fans.

Then, it came again. The bowing time. I quickly took the empty spot beside Sunny, as if Sunny had purposely let it empty to be taken by me. When we were about to bow, I reached out my hand to grab Sunny's and at the same time, same second, her hand was reaching out for me too. I smiled, at how our fingers met each others' in harmony.

From this time and forever, I would never hold back again. I loved Sunny, and that's it. Later that night, I updated a photo to my Instagram again. A picture of the sakura tree where Sunny and I had seen together on our way back home from the concert. I also told them my feelings to a song that would represent my heart the most right now.

"I'm listening to Christina Perry - A Thousand Years" I wrote.
 

Time stands still beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath, every hour has come to this
One step closer~