When I was five, I had no concept of same- relationships, which is why when I first started school; I was confused as to why my parents were so different. I had always known I was adopted when I was only three. I had enough common sense to realise that two men can’t have a baby. I knew a lot of other kids who were adopted, but nobody else in my new school had two fathers. People talked about it like it was something to be ashamed of. I wasn’t ashamed. I loved my fathers, and they loved me. I saw nothing wrong with our family.

“Appa.” I said, sitting in the backseat of our car, clutching my school bag on my lap after my very first day of school.

“Yes Mina?” Appa said, smiling at me through the mirror.

“Why do people at school say you and Daddy are different?” I asked. Appa turned to look at Daddy, who was sitting in the seat beside him. He looked sad and I couldn’t work out why.

On my sixth birthday, I was woken up with a surprise.

“Happy birthday Mina!” Daddy said, poking my cheek until I woke up. I smiled at the sight of him and Appa sitting on the end of my bed.

“Do you want your present now, sweetheart?” Daddy smiled, only to be nudged in the side.

“Yah, Hae!” Appa whispered, laughing slightly. “We agreed we’d give her presents after breakfast!”

I smiled, because I knew that Appa could never say no to Daddy, and so I got my presents early.

___

It wasn’t until I came home from school a few weeks after my sixth birthday, did I notice something was wrong. Daddy came and picked me up from school, and when we got home, he told me to go straight to my room and watch a movie.

Only twenty minutes into Finding Nemo, I heard yelling downstairs.

“You can’t keep doing this Hyukjae!” I heard Dad yell. I pulled the blankets up to my knees, and tried to focus on the fish swimming around on the screen. “It’s like you don’t give a about us anymore!”

“Hae…” Appa said in a lowered voice, almost like he was begging. “You know my job is hard. You know I have to work late,”

“You don’t have to work late every ing night for weeks on end Hyukjae, god damn it!” I heard the slam of a cupboard door.

I hadn’t even realized I had paused the movie, and tears had gathered in my eyes.

“I know, I know-“

“You can’t keep doing this. You have a daughter Hyukjae! You have a responsibility to us!”

“Hae, don’t you dare bring Mina into this you son of a-“

Then I heard it. The very distinctive sound of a slap in the face.

That night, we didn’t have dinner together as a family like we always did. I was called downstairs two hours later, to eat instant ramen with Daddy, who remained silent, although I could tell he’d been crying.

“Wh-where’s Appa?” I asked quietly.

Daddy let out a big sigh, burying his face into his hands.
 

“I don’t know sweetie.”

___

Appa came home the next morning with flowers for Dad, and a stuffed bunny rabbit for me. Appa explained to Daddy just how sorry he was, and Daddy hugged him. We ate breakfast as a family again, and Daddy and Appa sat next to each other while we watched Saturday morning cartoons. Appa had his hand on Daddy’s knee, and Daddy’s head was on Appa’s shoulder.

I was happy we were a family again.

About four months later, one of Daddy’s friends came to visit us. His name was Jungsu, and he brought his daughter, Hara, to come and play with me while he and Daddy talked in the kitchen.

When I went downstairs to get my favourite doll to show to Hara, I stopped outside the kitchen. Appa always taught me that eavesdropping on a grown-ups conversation was wrong, but Appa wasn’t here. I leaned against the wall just outside the kitchen, listening to Jungsu and Daddy talk.

“I just… I don’t know what to do anymore.” I heard Daddy sigh. He sounded sad, and I didn’t know why. I wondered if I had done something wrong. “I feel like I’ve tried everything.”

“If things are really so bad, then why are you still here, Donghae?”

I clutched the doll closer to my body, resting my chin on the top of her head.

“Because,” Daddy lowered his voice, and for a moment I thought he knew I was listening. “I couldn’t do that to Mina. Hyukjae’s just as much her father as I am.”

I nibbled on my lower lip, wondering if Daddy was angry with Appa. I didn’t understand why. Maybe it was my fault.

“Donghae, you know Hyukjae loves you-“

“Yeah?! Well it doesn’t ing seem like it when he just keeps leaving us every god damned night!” Daddy yelled. “First he works late, and then there was that thing with Sungmin… Now it just seems like he’s avoiding coming home.”

My lower lip trembled slightly. Why doesn’t Appa want to come home anymore? Did I do something wrong? Is it because I got in trouble at school? Is it because I said that I hated him when he wouldn’t let me eat ice-cream before dinner? A tear fell down my cheek. Does Appa not love Daddy and I anymore?

“Have you thought about seeing a marriage councilor?” Jungsu said, taking an audible sip form his cup of coffee. “Maybe it could help. You and Hyukjae could sort things out. If you need me to watch Mina for a few hours a week, I can do it. If it will help sort things out between you two. I really hate seeing you like this Donghae.”

“Maybe it would help.” Daddy sighed. “I just don’t want to see him leaving us.”

For a while, Appa and Daddy loved each other again. Appa would come home before five, and they’d cook dinner together and we’d all eat at the table as a family again, and watch television afterwards. They would hold hands when we went to the park, and we’d go and do things together as a family. Daddy and I even snuck out at six in the morning to make Appa breakfast on his birthday as a surprise.

Daddy would kiss Appa on the cheek, and Appa would tell him how much he loved him.

But then, once I turned eight, the yelling started again.

I was woken to the sound of Appa coming home just after midnight. I heard the quiet sounds of voices downstairs, and so I got out of bed and put on my slippers, quietly tiptoeing down the stairs. It was way past my bedtime, and I knew I would be in trouble for being up so late. But I was worried.

“I can’t believe it Hyuk!” I heard Daddy’s voice from the living room. I sat myself on the bottom of the stairs; clutching the bunny-rabbit Appa had bought me years ago. “You refuse to answer my calls, come home at two in the ing morning and you’re drunk?! What in gods name is wrong with you?!”

“Donghae-“

“No! You stay the away from me Hyukjae. I am warning you!”

“Hae, please-.”

“No Hyukjae, I am ing sick of this!” Daddy’s voice was weaker this time. “You can’t keep doing this to me, or to Mina! Do you have any idea how hard this must be on her?! She has no idea what is even going on, only that her father isn’t even around any more!”

I hear Appa let out a breath.

“Sungmin.”

“Wh-what?”

“Lee Sungmin, Hae. Did I ing stutter?”

“H-how… How did you…?”

“How long has it been going on, Donghae?”

“Wh-.”

“How. Long. Have. You. Been. ing. Sungmin?” Appa sounded angry. I felt scared.

“I…” Daddy’s voice trailed off. “I didn’t think you knew.”

“I’ve known for a while.”

Daddy and Appa were silent. I could hear the sound of Appa shifting on his feet.

“H-Hyukjae. I’m… I’m so sorry.” I heard Daddy start to cry.

“You accuse me of not being around anymore, and yet you’re off ing that damn colleague of yours-.”

“It was only four times Hyukjae! Four ing times! It was when you and I were separated, remember?! And it was only because you refuse to do anything anymore! You come home late, drunk and you don’t even come upstairs! You just sleep in the study! We are married Hyukjae. Married! Married couples share a bed-.”

“Married couples don’t their colleagues.”

There was more silence. I was only eight and had a very vague knowledge of what they were talking about, but I understood enough to know that something wasn’t right.

“I-I’m so sorry. P-please Hyukjae. Please. I’m sorry. I love you-.”

“Don’t touch me Hae.” Appa said, followed by the sounds of more of Daddy’s crying.

I heard the sound of Appa’s footsteps, followed by the sound of the door to the study slam shut.

I waited at the bottom of the steps for almost half an hour, before Daddy came from the living room, with red eyes and a blotchy face.

“M-Mina?!” he exclaimed in a whisper, rushing to me and kneeling in front of me. “Sweetie, what are you doing out of bed?”

“Y-you and Appa were fighting…” I sniffled. “I couldn’t sleep.”

Daddy rested his hand on my cheek.

“I’m sorry we woke you baby. Everything’s okay now.” He said. I was old enough to know he was lying. “Let me take you to bed.”

He picked me up into his arms and carried me upstairs, taking me to my room and tucking me into bed. Then, he carefully laid himself on top of my covers and curled up next to me.

“Go to sleep honey.” He said. I could hear the sadness in his voice and he my hair as I fell asleep.

I was pretty sure he cried that night.

I knew things were really bad when Appa came to pick me up from school.

“Where’s Daddy?” I asked in the car on the way home. Daddy was usually the one to pick me up from school, since Appa would be working.

“He’s…” Appa sighed and gripped the steering wheel. “He had to go away for a couple of days.”

“Why?” I asked. When I though about it, Daddy had looked sad this morning as he dropped me off at school. And I had seen him get a suitcase from the closet in the spare room.

“Because, sweetie,” Appa said softly. “Sometimes when grown-ups get stressed, they need to take a… Vacation. Daddy is just stressed, and he needs to take a holiday.

“Well why didn’t we go with him?” I asked.

“Dad just needs some time all to himself, Mina.” Appa said. “He needs a break from everything for a bit. He’ll be back soon, I promise.”

I nodded and left it at that.

That meant he needed a break from us.

___

Appa took the week off work, and picked me up every day after school. For an entire week, it was just he and I.

“I miss Daddy.” I said as Appa tucked me into bed and kissed my forehead.

“I know.” He sighed. “I do too.”

___

When Daddy came home, he told me how sorry he was.

He didn’t even look at Appa.

Daddy and Appa have matching rings. They wear silver rings, just like all the other parents of the children at school. I remember asking them when I was young, why they wear them. I was always told it was because they love each other.

Daddy still wears his.

Appa doesn’t.

___

“Mina, sweetie, get your suitcase from under your bed.” Daddy said, walking into my bedroom after another fight with Appa.

“Why Daddy?” I asked, sliding off my bed, worried at the blank expression on Daddy’s face. “Where’s Appa?”

“Appa went… Out for a bit sweetie.” Daddy smiled. “I know you’ve been working extra hard at school, so we’re going on a vacation for a little bit, okay? I want you to pack everything you think you’ll need for the next week, alright?”

Daddy is smiling at me, but I can see just how upset he is.

“What about Appa? Is he coming with us?”

Daddy shook his head.

“Not right now honey. But we’ll see him again soon.”

“B-but. I want Appa.”

Daddy sighed, running his hand through his hair. He looked at me. I had made him upset.

“Sweetie, Appa needs some time on his own right now, so you and I are going to go on a vacation, okay?”

“But-.”

“Do what I say sweetie.”

Without arguing any further, I began packing clothes, toys, DVD’s and my colored pencils into my small pink suitcase. I picked up the bunny Appa had given me, and I held him tight for comfort.

Daddy came back and took my bag under his arm, and held my hand with the other. We went outside to the car, and by this time, the sky was already dark. I wasn’t sure why we were going on a vacation at night.

Just as Daddy was loading my bag into the back of the car, Appa’s car pulled up behind us.  Daddy swore under his breath and shut the door.

“Get in the car, Mina.” He said, and I did as I was told. Appa got out of his car and stormed up the driveway.

“Donghae! What are you doing?! Where are you taking Mina?!”

“We’re leaving Hyukjae.” Daddy said. I didn’t know where we were leaving to, or why Appa was trying to stop us.

“What?! You can’t do this Donghae! You can’t take my own daughter away from me!” Appa grabbed Daddy’s arms, yelling at him. He was more upset than angry.

“Legally I can’t, but I can’t be around you at the moment. She’ll be staying with me for a while, Hyuk.”

“Mina!” Appa turned to me, knocking on the window with his fist. “Mina, sweetheart, get out of the car!”

“Mina, stay in the car!” Daddy yelled back.

Tears fell from my face as I clutched onto my stuffed bunny.

“Hae! Stop this! You’re making her cry!”

“DO NOT BRING MINA INTO THIS HYUKJAE!”

Appa grabbed his hair in frustration and gasped back tears.

“Hae, stop it. Don’t leave! Don’t take my daughter away from me!” He grabbed Daddy’s hand. “Hae, Donghae, baby I love you. Please, don’t do this.”

Daddy shoved Appa away.

“It’s too ing late Hyukjae!” He yelled. “You’re two years too late!”

Daddy stormed to the car, opening the door and getting in, slamming the door behind him and fastening his seatbelt.

“Hae! For s sake let me say goodbye to my daughter!” Appa banged on the window.

I tucked my knees up to my chest and let out another sob as Daddy ignored Appa, and pulled away from the house.

“I’m sorry baby.” Daddy muttered, patting my shoulder as he drove. “I’m so so sorry.

I cried, because I knew that Appa could never say no to Daddy, and so we left Appa all by himself that night.

“Mina.”

It was about three months after we had left Appa for that week and a half to stay in a hotel. When we had gotten home, Appa and Daddy had talked for a very long time after I had been sent to bed. In the three months since then, Appa had been slowly moving some of his things out of the house and had been sleeping in the study.

One day, after so many months of Daddy and Appa refusing to speak to each other, the two of them picked me up from school. Together.

And so here we sat. Appa and Daddy sat on the couch opposite me, calm looks on their faces as they told me that Appa was moving to a different house.

“Mina, we don’t want to make this any more difficult on you than it already has been.” Daddy said with a sad smile. “And you know that just because Daddy and Appa don’t love each other anymore, doesn’t mean we don’t love you Mina.”

“We love you so much.” Appa chimed in, giving me a reassuring smile. I still felt empty inside.

There was a short silence. Daddy looked at Appa with a concerned expression.

“Mina,” Daddy said. “Appa isn’t going to be living in the same house as me anymore. He’s already got a really nice apartment uptown, and it’s close to your school so you’ll be able to walk home all by yourself when you get older.”

It all felt like a bad dream.

“But just because I won’t be living with Dad anymore,” Appa said, “Doesn’t mean that you won’t see me, because I will see you all the time Mina, I promise.”

Daddy sighed.

“Now this is where things get a little complicated, because your Appa and I love you so much and want to see you all the time. But that can’t happen, so we’re going to let you chose, okay sweetie? You can either see Daddy for two school weeks and two weekends, and then see Appa for two school weeks and one weekend. Or, you can see Daddy during the school week, and Appa on every weekend.”

I was frozen. All of this sounded confusing to me. They weren’t even asking me to choose between my fathers.

“B-but I don’t want to live with Daddy half the time and Appa half the time. I want to see you both all the time! Why can’t you stay Appa?! Why can’t you stay?”

I saw tears in Daddy’s eyes as Appa simply explained that they didn’t love each other anymore, and things don’t work like that.

I moved some of my things into Appa’s apartment. I got my own room, and a new bed. It wasn’t as big as our house, but with time, I learned it to be my second home.

When Daddy would drop me off at Appa’s place, sometimes he would come in and talk. He would see how he was doing, and talk about me, my schooling or other grown-up things. But there was no love there anymore. They were just two of my parents.

We weren’t a family anymore.

“Appa?” I asked on the night of my ninth birthday. I had spent the morning with Daddy, and I got an evening with Appa.

“Yes sweetie?” Appa smiled, ruffling my hair.

“Why did you leave Daddy?”

Appa went silent.

“Love doesn’t last forever sweetie, sometimes people change. Sometimes you can love a person with all of your heart, and that’s just not enough.”

Appa let out a sad sigh.

“Do you regret meeting Daddy?” I asked, afraid to hear the answer. They didn’t love each other anymore, but I loved both of them. Just as much.

“No. Of course not sweetie.” Appa said after a while. “I don’t regret falling in love with your Dad. I don’t regret the years of love and marriage we spent together. Besides, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have you. And you are the most precious thing to me on the earth. I love you so much Mina, and so does your Dad.”

I smile sadly at him.

“I know.”

___

Sometimes, when I get up late at night to get a drink of water, I see Appa sitting in the living room, playing with the small silver wedding band between his fingertips. The same one he and Daddy used to wear on their fingers.

I know he keeps it in his bedside drawer.

It’s funny.

Daddy does the exact same thing.

___

Well. What the was that?

Sorry. My bad.

- Z