I'm positive I'll be missed. I'm positive I'll cause people grief. Will that stop me from going through with this? No, not at all. Their grief and mourning will be nothing compared to what I feel now. Every day I wake up and know my days are numbered. Every day I go on and think, "What if I don't wake up tomorrow?" Yes, this is much worse.

Despite the doctors' efforts, it's useless. Living like this is useless. Despite all the medicines, the chemotherapy, this is all useless. The doctors said that it's inoperable; the tumor. They said that I would surely die if they tried to. Living off of drugs and radiation is better than dying young, right? Wrong. It's still useless.

I no longer can do what I love. I used to perform on Monday nights at the coffee shop in Gangnam-gu. Now I'm in a hospital in Beijing. I used to go to karaoke with my friends on Friday nights. Now I'm in a hospital in Beijing. I used to go to dinners and movies with Heechul. Now I'm in a hospital in Beijing. I used to be with Heechul. Now I'm in Beijing.

Heechul always makes things better. Heechul always knows how to keep me numb. He always sends me letters; twice a week he sends them, even if nothing interesting has happened since the last letter came. He always sends me comic strips; though sometimes the humor behind them gets lost in translation. Sometimes he even comes and visits me; he sits by my bed and talks to me in his sweet voice about his adventures back in Korea. I know he's only acting, though; his acting skills aren't the best. He tries to be cheerful and in high spirits just for me... I can tell. Heechul always knows how to keep me numb. Heechul always makes things better.

The time between each visit keeps getting longer. Does he still want to see me? Does he still want me to live, so we can be together? Does he still want me? Though who would want to tolerate a man with brain cancer, anyways? Even I can't tolerate myself. The chemotherapy makes me crazy. The drugs make me forget who I am and where I am. Sometimes I can't even tolerate myself. Sometimes I wish I could just end it.

Ending it all. For good. I wouldn't bother Heechul anymore with having to send all the letters and comic strips, or with all the visits. I wouldn't have to bother him with putting on a strong, confident mask, just to keep me numb. I wouldn't bother him anymore.

I forgive Heechul for not visiting consistently like he used to. I forgive him for all of the things he's done in the past that have made me upset. Though really I can't even remember if there ever was a time like that. I don't remember much these days.

Forgive and forget, that's what they all say. I've done my part; I forgive Heechul for everything. Now it's his turn. His turn to forget me, and forgive what I will do.

My time here is done.

-fin-