I’m here standing at the place where you first declared your love to me. I look up at the gray sky hovering above me. I wonder if the sky was sympathizing with me, ‘cause I’ll be glad to know that someone is there to be with me. I smiled bitterly as tears streamed down freely on my face. I couldn’t hold it anymore. The cold wind embraces me but I felt nothing. My heart is colder.

I look around but everything in here only reminds me of our days together. If I have a big eraser right now, I would be honored to erase this place along with my feelings, along with my miserable state. On second thought, I want to erase everything along with my existence. I clutch the part where my heart is. I want to take it off my chest, so I could free myself from this pain.

I slump down on the grass, trying my best not to push myself on the roaring river that will end my life. I never thought everything will come to this. I never thought.

I loved you with all my heart, I even swore that I would give everything to you. I know that what I have back then was a one sided love, but you came to me offering your love. How could I not accept it? You’re giving me the only thing that would complete me. We were in love, I’m certain of that. There wasn’t a day that we didn’t show how affectionate we are towards each other. I was certain that our relationship would sail smoothly. But boy how wrong I was.

The smooth sail that I thought sunk like how Titanic did. It sunk in the middle of a cold ocean. You became cold to me. I shrug it off thinking that you were just busy with your work. Again, I put my hopes up just to go down and splat on the ground.

I was walking at the mall with my girl friends. I was enjoying the feeling, freeing myself just once not to think about you. But then, there you were walking hand-in-hand with a girl. What hurts more was she was your girl before me. I was rooted on the ground. I know you saw me. I saw the uneasiness on your face, like you were caught stealing on a shop. But it was worse, you stole my heart and you returned it shattered into million pieces.

I mustered my courage to walk towards you and her. I heard how my friends tried to stop me. I saw how your girl hid behind you, thinking I would do something bad. Well, I might have done it if I didn’t control myself. Instead of making a scene, I just smiled at you and asked if you were doing fine. You were confused on my action. Maybe you were thinking that I would slap you and tell you how rotten you are but I didn’t. Because I know that you’re happy with your choice. That’s how much I love you.

I can’t blame you. There’s no one to blame. I told you beforehand that I would understand if one day you will leave me and find someone much better than me. That’s why I was able to smile. I walked away, chaining my heart and caging my feelings. I didn’t cry. I was numb of any feelings anymore to shed tears.

I became an empty shell. I became a robot. My friends tried to cheer me up but I couldn’t. I know deep inside that there’s only one person who could cheer me up but that person was long gone. I saw how other people got affected with my actions. So I tried my best to show that the dorky Dara was back. I was fooling myself much more than how I fool everyone. I became tired with my charades. I knew you weren’t coming back so I tried to cope up and pick myself up.

Just when I was starting to get away from the dark corners of my room to see the new light that would enlighten me, you stumbled on my door. You said you want me back but I refuse. You said how sorry you were for acting like a fool. You said how much you love me and you promised that you won’t ever do anything that would hurt me again.

Every day you would knock at my door to show that you were serious to have me back. Every day you would treat me and you wouldn’t stop making silly things until you see my lips form a smile. Every day you would knock at my door to open it, but you just don’t know that you weren’t only knocking at the wooden door but as well on my heart to open it again for you. I chained my heart and threw the key so no one would enter it again. However, all along you carry the key with you and now my heart was unchained again.

I accepted you. This time I was certain that nothing could ever break us apart. Our relationship became stronger like steel. We shared our dreams together. We talked about how we were going to build our family. Day by day, you were starting to fix my heart that you destroyed once. Doraemon once said before that no one could make you happy again but only the person who made you sad. He was right. Every day was blissful happiness with you. And I wish that it would never end.

It was our third anniversary. It was in the middle of the night, you asked me to go to Han River. I thought what could possibly you’re up to. We spent the whole day together celebrating. But I just complied and I waited for you. I would smile from time to time whenever I recall how I gave myself to you a while ago. We made love passionately. The way you took me showed me that I’m not just a girl who satisfies your need but a woman who you want to spend your whole life with. We have gone this far and I know that I want to spend my forever with you.

It was already 30 minutes past 12 but you weren’t still showing up. I became worried and impatient. I don’t want to think that something bad has happened to you, but that’s all I could think of. I erased it and think of positive thoughts. Then, I heard someone was walking towards my direction. I conditioned myself to act that I was mad because you were late. I wanted to surprise you but instead I was the one who was surprised. There was no Jiyong standing behind me. There was no one. So I thought it was just my imagination. I sat back again at my previous spot when I felt the wind kissed my face. It wasn’t chilly. Instead, I think I felt the wind embraced me with so much care just like how you would embrace me. It was just a few seconds but I knew I heard it clearly. The wind whispered to me saying, “I love you. Take care always. I would always be here with you, my buttefly.”

The next thing I knew, I was crying. I was calling your name. And every time that I do, I could feel something piercing my heart. I don’t want to believe my intuition. It was all just my imagination. I stopped crying for a while when I heard my phone rang. It was YG sajangnim. My hands were shaking as I clicked the button to answer the call.

After I hang up the call, I bawled crying. This couldn’t be happening. How could you Jiyong? I want to believe that everything was just a lie, but I know YG sajangnim wouldn’t joke around especially when it comes to Jiyong. I cried my heart out; as if the sky was mourning with me it rained heavily. Jiyong was dead. I cried and cried ‘till I can’t shed a tear anymore and then everything went black.

The next day, I wake up on a different room. I rub my eyes to adjust my sight with the blinding light. When everything was clear, I saw the worried faces of my co-members. I scanned the room and I realized that I was in the hospital. Every YG Family was there except for him. Everyone has a worried and gloomy look. My tears started to flow again. 2NE1 tried to make me relax as they cooed me. I was becoming hysterical again. Everyone panicked as I tried removing the needle on my hand. I want to go wherever you are. The nurse rushed in beside me and injected a tranquilizer on the tube. I became relax after a while.

I asked them what happened, but no one dared to start the topic. I know how hard it was for everyone and maybe they were afraid that I might go hysterical again, but I assure them I won’t. It was Kush oppa who broke the silence and started narrating. Every word that he uttered brought so much heaviness to my current condition. I heard the sobs of BIGBANG and 2NE1. I couldn’t help it, so I broke down.

Kush oppa said that you were on your way to Han River. You were talking to him, telling him how excited you are to finally found the courage to propose. He said he heard a loud honk at the background and the next he knew you were out of the line and only a loud crush answered him. My heart sunk when Kush oppa handed me a small pink box. My hands were trembling when I opened the box and there at the middle was a butterfly ring. I took it and slid it on my ring finger. The sobs of everyone became louder when I said, “Yes, I will marry you oppa. Maybe not now but on the other life, so wait for me.”

It’s been a year already since you left us. The whole South Korea and maybe the whole world mourned for the loss of someone as great as you. And now here I am standing where you first declared your love. I look at the gray sky above me. I cried much harder when I think I saw your smiling face on the sky.

I wanted to tell you how unfair you are for leaving me, to tell you that I can’t dream anymore without you to share it with. I slumped on the grass. A wind I’d come to know embraces me. I know it was you telling me to stop crying and so I did. I know you don’t want to see me crying. I stood up. I raised my hand where the ring you gave me was on. The gray sky parted to let the sun rays to come out.  It hit my beautiful butterfly ring and it glistened.

I finally found myself smiling at the ring. I know that with this ring you proved to me that you love me ‘till the very end Kwon Jiyong and so will I. So just wait for me.