#6 : Me and myself -- "Trapped"

Just felt like writing after a long time and I came up with this monologue story. Sorry if it's bad!

Starring Lee Byunghyun.  Written in his POV.

It's hopeless.

I can't escape.

I'm trapped.

     30/9 Things to do list:

     1. Revise Bio: Evolution notes

     2. Mindmap for Econs: Macroeconomics Policies

     3. Practice 2012 Bio MCQ

     4. Essay outline for 'Education'

I stared at the post-it note I hastily scribbled in front of me. Done writing what I have to do by today. Now, I just have to do it like how I planned. I can't back out today.  

Yes, it's a brand new day. Let's just start work!

5 minutes later.

No, this isn't working. How many times have I repeated that in my head?! 

Why am I still not starting? 

…

…

...

ARGH!

Frustrated at myself, I strayed away from my dusty study table and before I knew it, I am standing in front of the refrigerator. No one's in the house and it seems that I'm getting too friendly with the fridge seeing how we meet so many times each day, unplanned. 

Hi, fridge. We meet again, huh? And… As usual, you have nothing good to offer me. 

Sigh… How did I even end up in the kitchen anyway?

Sluggishly, I dragged my feet back to my room but somehow, I just did not want to go back in there. Oh, how much I dread to sit down and practice questions and read through all those boring notes. Why is studying so hard? This won't do. I just can't do it today. I plunged down in the couch and looked around, trying to search for something to do. 

No, it can't be! I was surprised at myself despite reaching to the same conclusion every single time - I have no other things to do today except to study. Subconsciously, I was immersed in the conversation I'm having within myself. This isn't the first I would say. It is an escape route my body resorts to whenever I'm trapped in the outside world. 

What can be more depressing than this?! I don't even have anything I like to do, what more something I'm happy to do in the future.

Dreams, you say? I wonder what my childhood dream was. Oh, I remember now, I had forgotten about it. They were crushed ever since I got stuck in this deluded education system which only cares about judgement: grades, results, appearance… Where can I possibly stand when being a 'student' is just not my forte? Should I just quit school? I've skipped so many times. I might as well just quit right? 

Yeah right, as if my parents would let me spare my head because of that. Wait, all the better! My parents can just kill me and I won't have to live in this corrupt, deceiving world anymore. I'll just have to wait for them to be back. 

"You are living because you are not dead yet. Please trust me, we can go through this together." That voice started to intrude my thoughts.

SHUT UP! Just get out of my head would you?! What do you even know?

All of a sudden, the door bell rang, bringing myself back to reality. Who can that be? My parents won't be back until next week. 

Ahh, it's such a hassle to open the door. The person will go away eventually. 

I'm usually right about this stuffs but today, it was different. I closed my ears to shut out the continuous knocking but it was no use. This person sure is persistent and he or she left me with no other choice. I headed towards the front door, grabbed the doorknob and as soon as it turned, I yelled my heart out. 

"WHAT DO YOU WAAA…!" I stopped halfway as I was unexpectedly welcomed with a slight breeze with no one in sight. 

What the hell! I cursed in my breath. I turned my back and I was about to close the door when I heard that familiar voice that has been haunting me for days. 

"Wait, Byunghun-ssi!… I…I need to talk to you!" 

It's her. What is she doing intruding people's houses? Just as much as I wanted to glance back to see her face, I restrained myself. There's no point in listening to what she says. I can see right through her plan. She's just helping the homeroom teacher to fix this trouble-maker. She's no more than the undutiful teacher's servant. I have to keep that in mind. 

Unwavered, I shut the door right in her face. She will get the message this time. 

"No, I was wrong!" I faintly heard her.

Just walk away. I didn't hear anything. 

"I WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU!" Her voice pierced through my ears. I imagined how loud she shouted for me to hear that.

I stopped in my tracks. That caught me for a bit but I had made my decision. No way I'm backing down. I'm used to ignoring, even good at it so it won't hurt to ignore one more time. I shut myself in my room and lied down on my bed. It is the perfect time to sleep. I can get through the rest of the day with lots of sleep. Yes, sleep. 

I closed my eyes tightly but I couldn't bring myself away from reality like how I usually do. Her clear voice filled my head. There's just no way I can run away from her when she keeps appearing in my head. Why is she tormenting me like this?! Please just leave me alone!

Before I knew it, tears welled up in my eyes and began rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't stop myself from crying. I just want to get out from here to a place I am happy to be myself. A place where I can stop lying to myself. A place which accepts me for who I am. And... I can't help but wonder if she is that place I can take shelter. 

"Please trust me." That's what she said but how can I trust her? My insecurities started to eat me from the inside and the tiny courage left in me disappeared into the thin air.

It is hopeless.

I can't escape.

I'm trapped.

Hope you enjoyed this serious humour plus depressing story inspired from a long talk I had with my good friend. Do comment on your thoughts :) I would really love to hear them. 

It has definitely been a long time and I'm honestly glad to have written something after so long. I'll be back soon though to write more fluffy stuffs maybe? Haha. Just need to get done with my final exams that will end in 2 months :)

Thank you for reading! Jeongmal kamsahabnida!~ ^^