"Let it Rain"  

 

Kim Taeyeon and Jang Wooyoung would like to request the pleasure of your company at the celebration of their union.

They’re there, again.

She can’t stop them.

“You’re getting married?”

Tiffany’s voice is careful. Steady. She’s very, very cautious as to not let any pain deflect into her voice.

The dazzling, luminescent grin she gets in response is beautiful enough to rip her heart out of her chest. Unfortunately, the words Taeyeon says next do that first.

“He proposed last week. Oh, I wish I could have told you first! I tried calling you, but I think you were asleep at the time…”

Tiffany sighs, glancing down at their bare feet, which are dangling above the lifeless waves.

It’s almost as if the ocean is partaking in her mourning. The still, black surface reflects how she feels on the inside –dark, cold, dejected.

Abandoned.

“Tae…”

Tiffany’s voice is almost trembling.

“Hmm?”

Tiffany lets out a quiet, mirthless chuckle.

Taeyeon is clueless.

She’s totally and entirely clueless.

She hasn’t changed one bit.

She still doesn’t know.

“We promised each other we would get married, remember? What happened to that?”

Somewhere under the teasing, confident tone, Tiffany’s voice cracks, twisted with agony. Somewhere under her cool exterior, she’s whimpering, wrapping her arms around herself in the hope that it’ll keep her from falling apart.

Somewhere under the playful question, there’s desperate imploring.

Taeyeon laughs, melodiously.

“Fany, we were just kids. You know that didn’t mean anything.”

She grits her teeth.

Why won’t they stop?

“Taeyeon, don’t fight it anymore.”

Tiffany’s exhausted.

She closes the door to their shared bedroom behind her.

“NO!” Taeyeon screams, whirling on the spot.

Tiffany’s unsurprised that Taeyeon’s face is bloated and scarlet, eyes shining with unshed tears. She’s unsurprised that even so, she finds her inexorably mesmerizing.  

She’s just dumbfounded that Taeyeon still has this effect on her.

That Taeyeon still has the ability to shatter her very being, with tears alone.

“HOW CAN YOU BE OKAY WITH THIS!?” Taeyeon demands, tears streaming down her face as she knocks over another article of furniture in her blind rage.

Tiffany sighs.

“I’m not. But there’s nothing we can do. We fought them for two years, but in the end, even if we had won the case, what would we do, Taeyeon?”

Taeyeon has no response. She just glowers silently at Tiffany, lips quivering.

“We live in Korea, Taeyeon. Nobody cares about girls in their mid-twenties –in fact, we’re not even girls anymore. We’re not Girls’ Generation, we’re Dead Generation. What we did won’t be overlooked –especially not after we lost a case after fighting for two years. It’s over. Stop trying to fight it. The girls are tired. Everybody has their own dreams. Don’t tie yourself down to this –you have the brightest future of us all.”

Taeyeon lets out a infuriated roar and charges at Tiffany.

“HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!? YOU’RE SAYING EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE!”

Taeyeon’s beating her knuckles against Tiffany’s chest, and to her great dismay, Tiffany doesn’t even fight back. She just stares at her with sad, sympathetic eyes.

“SAY SOMETHING!”

Tiffany remains silent, raising her hands to capture Taeyeon’s hands, instead. Taeyeon continues to struggle against the taller girl, waving her restricted fists futilely in Tiffany’s unwavering grip.

Finally, she gives in, collapsing against Tiffany. Her fingers clench the fabric around the collar of Tiffany’s hoodie, and her petite form trembles violently.

Tiffany wraps her arms around Taeyeon’s tremoring frame and pulls her closer, close enough to whisper into her ear, “It’s okay, Taeyeon. It’s okay to cry.”

Would this have happened if she hadn’t moved to America?

Would this have happened if Girls’ Generation was still together?

“Can I ask you something?”

Tiffany throws her head back, downing another shot of soju –gritting her teeth as the sharp liquid burns . She coughs, shaking her bangs out of her face. “Go for it.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell her?” Jessica sounds bewildered.

Tiffany stares at her in disbelief.

Jessica just stares back at her enquiringly, eyes so tender with demoralizing pity that Tiffany’s insides shrivel up. When Tiffany doesn’t answer, Jessica closes her eyes and glances away, sighing in what seems to be frustration.

“You idiot.”

Now it’s Tiffany’s turn to be bewildered.

“What?” she rasps.

Jessica turns to Tiffany with a deadpan. For a moment, there’s more regret in Jessica’s eyes than Tiffany’s.

“You know, she loved you too.”

She presses her lips together, screwing her eyes shut.

Still, they seep through, cascading down her cheeks like an unrestrained storm.

“Wait for me, Fany.”

Tiffany chuckles.

The fans had always thought that Tiffany was the dreamer. They had always thought it was Taeyeon that was patient, that it was Taeyeon that kept her level-headed and brought her back down to earth.

They had no idea that it was Taeyeon that was Romeo.

“You’re married, Taeyeon. It’s a little too late for that, now.”

“No,” Taeyeon grumbles stubbornly. “I love you. I love you. I never loved him. There’s still time.”

Tiffany shakes her head, smiling amusedly.

When will Taeyeon ever grow up?

“That’s not how it works, Tae.”

But then Tiffany realizes, she never wants Taeyeon to grow up. She never wants this to change.

“Tippani, just wait for me. I’ll change things. I heard that two girls can get married in America, is that right?”

The childlike resolve sparkling in the twenty-six-year-old woman’s eyes makes her look exactly twenty years younger –it makes Tiffany giggle.

She nods, biting her lip.

“Good. Then we’ll get married.”

The way Taeyeon says it –it’s almost enough to make Tiffany believe her. Tiffany starts to smile.

But then she notices an old woman frowning at them from across the street. She’s frowning at the two grown women sitting on the front porch in the middle of the night. She’s frowning at how close they’re sitting. She’s frowning at how their hands are intertwined.

But most of all, she’s frowning at what Taeyeon says.

Tiffany steals a glance at Taeyeon’s face, but she doesn’t seem to notice.

Tiffany sighs.

She pulls Taeyeon closer and nuzzles her head into the crook between Taeyeon’s neck and shoulder. Taeyeon squirms uncomfortably.

“Wait, Fany –not yet! Wooyoung’s still inside the house!”

Tiffany rolls her eyes before gazing out into the darkness that envelopes them. Her voice is soft when she says, “Let’s stay like this, for just a little longer.  I don't want to think about tomorrow. I don't want to think about you looking at anyone else. I just want us to hold on to this for as long as we can, because... I know I can't keep you forever. I know that one day, you'll leave, and you won't ever look back."

She gasps, dropping to her knees as her hands fly to .

It feels like something’s tearing her apart from the inside out.

“I NEED TO SEE HER!”

Jessica throws her arms around Tiffany’s waist, and it takes all of the nonexistent muscle in her thin body to keep the wild brunette from charging through the hospital doors.

“LET ME SEE HER!”

“Tiffany, I’m sorry –I’m so, so sorry…”

Jessica keeps apologizing (almost indecipherably through her sobbing), but all Tiffany can hear is a clear, high-pitched ringing.

“WHAT HAPPENED TO HER!?” she bellows without thinking.

“She was driving home… she was so happy to finally come see you… she had just signed the divorce papers…”

Tiffany’s head hurts. It’s pounding.

“…but there was something wrong with the lights at the intersection…”

Tiffany’s vision is growing slight. Everything is overwhelmingly blurry.

“…the truck driver couldn’t see her car…”

Tiffany closes her eyes. She doesn’t want to hear it.

She can already hear the earsplitting crash reverberating throughout the small plaza.

She can picture Taeyeon’s Sonata skidding across the road and flipping upside down in mid-air.

She can picture it smashing into the fountain.

She can picture Taeyeon’s tiny frame flying out of the seat, through the broken glass. She can picture her head bashing into the concrete. She can picture the water in the fountain turning scarlet from all the blood. She can picture Taeyeon’s broken body, her delicate eyelids pressed shut, permanently.

She can picture Taeyeon, dead.

“LET ME GO!”

With whatever is left of her strength, Tiffany breaks out of Jessica’s feeble grasp and hurtles through the doors. She flies down the hallway and slides to a stop in front of Taeyeon’s room.

She hesitates.

Then, with a burst of valor –and senselessness –she opens the door gently.

Everything is white. Taeyeon looks so broken.

Taeyeon isn’t breathing.

All of Tiffany’s senses go numb.

She doesn’t register that her fatigued muscles are turning into led, quivering from the effort of holding her up. She doesn’t register the raw ache in every time she breathes. She doesn’t register the way her heart throbs against her lungs, or how her lungs inflate and deflate rapidly –almost frantically.

She doesn’t even realize that Jessica’s in the room, too, until her slim arms are wrapped around her.

Jessica’s hand guides Tiffany’s head to her shoulder.

“It’s okay, Tiffany. It’s okay to cry.”

That’s when Tiffany breaks down completely.

She presses a fist to her lips, choking as she attempts to stop.

Then, she drops her hand, limply, closing her eyes.

Tiffany glances up.

Her face is pelted with precipitation almost immediately thereafter. She sighs.

Taeyeon hates rain.

The other members had already left in hysterics, making sure to give their teary condolences to Tiffany before leaving.

Girls, she corrects herself. They aren’t the members, they’re the girls.

She gazes down at Taeyeon.

Tiffany’s not entirely sure how (though she suspects Sunny and Yoona have something to do with it), but Taeyeon looks absolutely breathtaking, even in her current state. Even without Tiffany’s biasness.

 Tiffany can’t see any of the scars, and Taeyeon’s slight body is in one shape. She almost looks peaceful.

But then Tiffany remembers that Taeyeon is lying in a casket, and that she died horribly in a car accident. She’s anything but peaceful.

Tiffany sighs, again.

Taeyeon isn’t gone.

She really isn’t.

Tiffany knows this because she loves rain, and yet, there’s something in her that wants to strangle the very droplets descending from the sky.

Tiffany wants to believe that, when Jessica’s fingers slide through hers and wrap around her hand in a consoling embrace, it’s Taeyeon. She wants to believe when a fragment of warmth slips into the ice that’s consuming her, it’s because of Taeyeon. Even though she’s lying right in front of her, motionlessly, Tiffany wants to believe that, when Jessica leans closer and whispers, “Just let it rain, Fany,” that it’s Taeyeon.

And in the end, Tiffany smiles, in spite of the tears.

In spite of the atrocious anguish, she smiles.

Because, at least she can remember this –at least there was a time where she was in love with her best friend.

At least there was a time, where her best friend loved her, too.