His eyes followed to where his boyfriend was standing…In the arms of someone else. The pain in his chest was becoming unbearable but he should have expected it. His mind was screaming the whole time they were together that he wasn’t good enough. That he’d never be good enough, no matter how much he tried. He tried to convince himself that it was pointless, that his love deserved someone better. Someone better looking, someone who had a talent and was adored by people. Not some useless guy who could barely keep a tune when it came to singing. Not someone who was moody and self centered. Not someone who couldn’t keep his emotions in check when he needed to. Jongup deserved the world, and Himchan just wasn’t able to give it to him.

He tried, God did he try, but Jongup was too much, too perfect in every way. He never got mad when Himchan would burst out in tears about nothing, he would just sit and tell him everything would be alright, no matter how much Himchan fought him. He would calmly apologize whenever Himchan would throw a fit and punch the wall even though there was never anything wrong. Himchan wished he knew how to control the mood swings. He wanted to be happy like Jongup, not sad or angry at nothing. He wanted to smile with everyone and laugh and have fun with them, not shut himself into a ball around new people because he was afraid of being judged for being himself.  The psychologist had told him that he was mildly depressed and might even have bipolar symptoms, so she prescribed antidepressants, but all those did was make him feel worse. He wanted to be happy, not numb. Even Jongup knew something was up when he came home early and saw Himchan just sitting on the couch, not really focusing on anything and then Himchan stood up and said he was done, that the world was too much for him and no one really needed him anyway. Jongup begged, pleaded with Himchan to think and wait a couple of days before he went through with anything. He even missed work just to stay home and make sure Himchan wasn’t trying anything. And Himchan didn’t, because Jongup, as much as he hated to admit it, was the one thing that kept him sane through everything. Jongup meant the world to Himchan and he tried his hardest to stay happy for him.

Now seeing Jongup smile and dance around with this other guy, when Himchan had a right to be angry, he blamed himself. He told himself that it was going to happen no matter what he tried. Not because Jongup was unfaithful or cruel, but because Himchan wasn’t good enough. Himchan would just have to accept that fact. He wasn’t handsome enough, wasn’t nice enough or exciting enough. He would have to accept the fact that even though Jongup meant the entire world to him, he meant nothing to Jongup. He could be replaced by anyone who walked by. There was nothing extraordinary about Himchan, not one singular trait. Everything could be replaced, and it was being replaced by someone who was almost as perfect as Jongup. He was gorgeous in every sense of the word, he was incredibly talented and all eyes stayed on him, whether he was walking in a store or performing on stage. It was someone Himchan knew very well and even though that fact alone should have made his pain worse, it didn’t. It made so much more sense. How could Jongup not have been captivated by the gorgeous voice of their group? Even Himchan had to admit that he had once swooned for the younger male. His voice alone made people fall for him, so why not Jongup too? In fact, if Himchan had to admit it, Daehyun was the one member he thought was good enough for Jongup.

At first, Himchan didn’t even feel the tears pool in his eyes, but when they began to fall, he ran away. Maybe if Jongup didn’t know he had seen them, he could just leave before anyone else got hurt. His feet pounding the pavement didn’t make his legs hurt like they should have. Even his body didn’t feel the right amount of pain. His lungs weren’t burning, and all he could feel was his tears hitting his cheeks. The winter air wasn’t freezing his skin and even in his t-shirt and jeans, the cold wasn’t bothering him. Just another freakish thing about him, he guessed. He bolted through the lobby of the TS building and straight into the elevator, heading to the roof. Maybe if he scared himself a little, the sea of thought would stop flowing through his head. He didn’t have his life line anymore and the ideas just kept flowing; Jongup not there to be the dam to stop them. He couldn’t tell the others because they would tell Jongup, and putting Jongup in pain was the last thing he wanted, after all he was finally happy. He found himself on the roof faster than he would have hoped and the cold air was finally hitting him in full force. He had been replaced, completely and absolutely. There was no reason for Jongup to come back now, since he had found everything Himchan was lacking. How could he lose his one thing, the one thing that kept him going through everything?  He should’ve known better than to get so involved, because if his past meant anything it was that he was useless and everyone left him. He was drowning and every hand that came to pull him out was gone. He was sinking to the bottom and this time no one would pull him out.