Dear Diary,

I hear the rain drops dribble on my window pane. It’s like a knocking sound, once every second that passes by. i watched as the rain wash the dust from my window and as the rain drops slowly began to cover the whole picture, i made an attempt to turn away. No matter how hard i tried, i couldn’t seem to divert my gaze. For some reason, it forced me to reminisce on my old days, taking me for a ride down the memory lane.

I lost him today. My brother, my friend, my member. Kim Hyun Joong. He always had a special place in my heart. I can’t begin to describe how pathetic or sad i feel right now. No word can ever describe it. it’s like a mystery, even to myself. It’s been months or even years since we officially gathered in an occasion. We have always talked about dinner parties or just a drinking session to commemorate our friendship. Just the 5 of us. but little did i know, our reunion would be in a funeral, an occasion to mark the end of one of our lives. 

We started off as mere colleagues, working together to cultivate our talents. We debuted on the same day, wearing the same type of clothes, singing the same song, representing the same name. SS501. It was our favourite word. A word that gave us a sense of rebirth. The endless promises we made, 5 men united as one, 5 men forever as one, 5 men...5 men. And now, 21 years after we first officially announced our friendship, i turned my face away from his coffin, and as the rest of us made our way back to our own cars, i realised, it wasn’t 5 men anymore. 

I received a letter from Hyun Joong’s 6 year old son. And as i questioned him of it, he replied by stating that he was merely carrying out an order. He didn’t know who it was from, but all he knew was that he was supposed to give it to ‘Uncle Minnie’.

I read the letter; the messy handwriting was easily recognised. It was from Hyun Joong himself. My first reaction was to cry. My tears weren’t as heavy as the rain i now watch, but it was no doubt, the tears of sorrow, tears of remorse and tears of loss.

And as i am afraid of ever losing this one piece of paper, i decided to paste it here, in my diary. 


To Jung Min,

I know this may come late and i know you might be angry as you read this letter, but i am truly sorry. You should know that this old friend of yours is no good in writing, nor am i any better in letting my emotions out in display. But you should also know, that i treasure you, with all the remaining life i have in me. 

You’re not a mere friend, nor are you just a member of the band. We have always shared a strange relationship whereby we’re close one day, yet the next, we refuse to converse with each other. But it’s with these little quarrels that i acknowledge our strong friendship. Despite all the little fights, we still stupidly grin at each other the next day, talking like nothing happened.

Jung Min, by the time you receive this letter, i would be gone. Gone forever. First thing i would like to do is apologise to you. I sincerely apologise for not keeping my promise. I’m sorry that the 5 of us can’t be together forever. Sorry for disappearing and for neglecting what i knew was of great significance. I never intended to do it but honestly, i have no one to blame except for myself. I’m sincerely apologetic for not being able to live up to our name, as SS501. But despite my shameful departure, i would like to request a favour from you. take this as my will, my last wish. While I’m gone, I will be observing you guys from up there. And i will like to see you rebonding, finding that lost connection with one another. They say actions speak louder than words, so turn your words into action. Don’t just mention that you miss us, initiate a meeting, and unite once again. One of the things i regret in life is that i always say things i never end up doing. I realised, empty promises is the worst sin anyone can ever commit.

Secondly, would you find it in your heart to keep an eye out for my son? Everytime i talk to him, everytime i look at him, i’m reminded of you. The 2 of you are very similar, similar in every way i can think of, even my wife acknowledges that fact. I leave him in your care, i trust you. 

Lastly, although i failed to congratulate you 16 years ago, i am truly happy that you became a successful actor, singer, model...and whatever else you have become. I admit, i was too preoccupied with my own success that i failed to recognise yours. I was blinded and manipulated, and now, as i write this letter, i have nothing but shame. 

Jung Min, always know that the 4 of you will forever be in my heart. When you see me that day, while i lie in my coffin, just know that i was bidding farewell. I was waving you a goodbye. 

I was only able to leave peacefully, because i knew i have other people i could rely on. And thanks to you guys, i know that i’m not alone. Remember me always.


Minutes after i folded the letter, and minutes after i let the tears flow out of my eyes, i ran back to the room in which his coffin lay. I came up to him and whispered, “Good bye my friend”

With that, i let out another tear trickle down my face and onto his. Slowly, i wiped it with my thumb before comforting him, “don’t cry, you’re not alone”