He woke up with a pounding heart and a throbbing head. He closes his eyes and chants in his head. “Please don’t kill me yet, Lord.” He put a hand in his chest to feel his pounding heart. It’s not normal. This is not normal. But no one’s there to save him. No one’s even there to check up on him. He’s all alone in that big apartment while everyone else is out doing their individual works. He tries to open his eyes but the light is blinding him sending chills down his spine as his head broke again into a much painful headache. His heart is racing faster and faster. “Am I dying?” He asks himself in his head. He wants to scream for help but he can’t even open his mouth.

At that time, a certain boy’s face flashes in his head. Memories start to stream like a movie in his eyes. Memories of the days when they used to just hang out and mingle in their living room watching random TV shows in their HDTV along with their friends; of the two of them throwing pillows at each other in a hotel room at a foreign country just playing with each other; of them hugging each other after winning awards after awards, comforting each other as tears stream down their faces; those times when he used to just lay in bed beside him while that boy sleeps with an angelic look in his face; of him just staring at the younger boy as the latter dances in front of him with grace and passion.

He felt tears run down his face. He wishes to be beside him in times like these. He wishes for him to hold his hand as pain overcomes his weakened body. He wishes to hear him sing, to wash away the sorrow in his heart. He wishes for his presence. He wishes but still, no sign of him coming back from his movie shoot.

His heart still racing, his head still in pain but he manages to open his eyes. He tries his hardest to get out of his bed but he end up stumbling on the floor. He clutches his chest. He can feel the sudden change of his heart beat. He knows that in between the erratic heart beating, his heart is crying for that boy. He crawls in the floor grabbing whatever around him to support his body. He again tries to stand up.

Finally he made it to his desk. He slumped himself onto the swivel chair. He hastily opens the notebook in front of him. He grabs a pen and starts to write at the last page.

                Seungri-ya,I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for the times that I made you cry. I’m so sorry that I burned your birthday cake. I’m so sorry for taking some of your clothes. I’m sorry for not being a good hyung to you. I’m so sorry for teasing you and always picking on you. I’m sorry.

                But I thank you Seungri. Thank you for the friendship and care. For being there when I needed you the most. Thank you for cooking for the group. Thank you for bringing joy and laughter in my life. Thank you for the love that you gave me. For that love made me special in your eyes. I thank you for the happiness that you made me feel.

                I love

He can’t write. He feels so weak on his seat. His hands can’t even hold the pen anymore; it fell on the table rolling away from him. He whispers “I love you” before the world turns dark around him.

-oOo-

                “Hyung! Hyung! Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping in your bed? Why did you sleep again on your desk? “Hyuuuuung!” He whines as he struggles to wake the older boy up. He tugs on his clothes and pushes on his shoulder, still nothing happens. There’s no grunt of annoyance either. He feels something is wrong. The older boy normally grunts at him whenever he wakes him up from his sleep. He again tries to tug on the hem of the older boy’s shirt but nothing happens. He’s scared but he still did it. He touches the boy’s wrist to feel a pulse but to his horror, he can’t feel a thing.

                “HYUUUUNG! HYUUUUNG! WAKE UP! OH GOD! SEUNGHYUN HYUNG! HEEEEEEEEEELP! I NEED HELP IN HERE!” Seunghyun rushes to where Seungri is as soon as he heard the boy’s screams of help. “What happened? Why are you-“But he was cut off by the scene in front of him. Seungri’s tugging and pulling jiyong’s clothes in attempt to wake the boy up. His reflexes got the better of him. He runs beside the two and immediately put a palm on Jiyong’s chest. It dawned on him. No heartbeat. He screams at Seungri, “Call an ambulance! Dammit, Ri! Get the ing phone and call an ambulance!” He carried Jiyong’s motionless body to the bed and tried resuscitating the boy as he listens at Seungri’s quivering voice. Panic rushes all over him and Seungri.

                “Hyung! Jiyong hyung! Wake up! Please…” All Seunghyun hears are those words coming from Seungri’s mouth. As soon as the paramedics came to their apartment, Seunghyun got hold of Seungri to prevent him from interrupting the doctors, at the same time, he comforts the younger boy. He can feel Seungri’s pain and he also wants to rush toward the doctors but he needs to be strong for Seungri’s sake.  They rushed Jiyong to the hospital. Seunghyun calls the rest of s to go to the hospital right away.

-oOo-

                The rest of the boys arrive just in time to hear the bad news. “Is everyone here?” The doctor said. “Yes sir. How’s Jiyong?” Yongbae cut in. “I’m so sorry to break this to all of you. But you need to face the truth. He’s gone. He’s been dead approximately 30 minutes before the phone call Mr. Lee Seungri made to us.” He pats Seungri’s back who’s standing beside him. “He died from a heart attack. I think, Mr. Kwon had an episode before this one but he manages to get himself better. But this time is different. I’m so sorry.” The doctor bowed at them and left.

                “No, this isn’t true! JIYONG!” Seungri broke off from Seunghyun’s tight hug and run toward the room where Jiyong was lying motionless. He pushes Jiyong’s stiff shoulder as he screams “JIYONG WAKE UP! YOU PROMISED. YOU PROMISED ME WE’LL STILL MAKE MANY MEMORIES TOGETHER! YOU PROMISED!”  Seunghyun, Yongbae and Daesung came to Seungri’s side and hug him as tears well up in each of their eyes. They lost their leader, their friend, their brother, and to Seungri, his lover.

                All of them came back to their apartment with heavy hearts. Seungri went straight to Jiyong’s room. He runs his fingers on Jiyong’s bed. He then stood in front of Jiyong’s desk. He saw the open notebook and read the open page silently. He can’t bear reading it. He even manages to write a farewell message for him. He knew he’s about to die all along. He knew.

                Seungri feels bad that he’s not there. He blames himself for not bringing Jiyong along in his shoot. He blames himself for not taking good care of Jiyong. He blames himself for he never noticed Jiyong’s health problems. He blames it all on himself.

                He wants to die. He wants to follow him to the other world. He wants to end his life right where he found Jiyong’s dead body. He wants to end it all and be with him again. He again read Jiyong’s letter for him. He held the notebook to his chest. He breaks down right there. He fell to his knees and cried over the notebook. “Why did you leave me behind hyung! Why did you die on me? You promised me we’ll be together forever. You promised me we’ll never be apart. But then you left me here! Why did you leave me? Why did you leave us? Jiyong…” he trails off.

                The rest of the boys slumped beside him tears streaming down their faces as they hug the maknae. All of them decided to stay in that room for the night.

-oOo-

                “Seungri! Where are you?” Daesung’s loud voice echoes across the apartment waking Seunghyun and Yongbae up. “Ya! Daesung, why are you looking for Seungri?” Yongbae asks still feeling sleepy. “Hyung, Seungri’s gone! He left this note on the floor.”

                              “Hyungs, I’m sorry. But I can’t live anymore now that jiyong’s gone. I’m sorry. I love you all.”

                Upon hearing the contents of the letter, Yongbae runs to Seungri’s room screaming “SEUNGRI! COME OUT OF THERE!” While Seunghyun searches the other rooms for any sign of Seungri “SEUNGRI, DON’T PLAY PRANK ON US. THIS ISN’T FUNNY!” Seunghyun screams.

                “Hyung! I’ve searched the entire apartment! Seungri isn’t here!” Daesung screams drowning his older hyungs’ voices out.

                They all rushed outside the apartment. Seunghyun went straight to the stairs going to the building’s rooftop. Yongbae went inside the elevator to go to the building’s lobby while Daesung was left with no other choice but to look at each of the building’s floors for any sign of Seungri.

                Seunghyun arrives at the rooftop panting. There he saw Seungri’s motionless body on the floor clutching a familiar notebook. Even with just looking at Seungri from the rooftop door, he knew that Seungri isn’t doing well. He then rushes toward the boy. He immediately touches the young one’s wrist to feel the boy’s pulse. “There’s a pulse!” He immediately took out his cell to call the ambulance.

                After calling, he calls Daesung and Yongbae up for help. Every second counts. He can’t wait for the two so he carries Seungri up and brought him down one floor meeting the two on the stairs. The two helps him bring Seungri to the lobby. When they got there, the paramedics immediately took over.

-oOo-

                It’s been too long since he was inside the Emergency Room. It’s been far too long and the three remaining boys waiting outside the ER can’t wait anymore. One of them keeps on fidgeting on his seat. The eldest keeps pacing the hallway with his arms tightly folded in front of his chest, waiting patiently or not. Still pacing and pacing till the remaining boy snaps in front of the older one. “Hyung! Will you please sit down! You’re not making us feel better with your pacing!” the older boy obliged.

                Yongbae hears Daesung’s tapping foot on the floor while he saw the eldest clench both his fist tightly across him. He can’t bear this anymore. Yongbae frantically stood up and starts to walk away. “Hyung, where are you going?” Daesung interrupts Yongbae’s thoughts. “Some place where there’s fresh air. I can’t stay here any longer than this. It’s killing me that he’s there fighting for his life and we’re here doing-“

                But he was cut off by the loud banging of the ER door behind him. “Doctor, how’s Seungri?” Seunghyun immediately stood up from his seat and went straight to the Doctor behind Yongbae as Yongbae turns around quickly to face the said physician. Daesung on the other hand stood beside Top as he waits for the doctor’s breaking news.

                “I’ll make this short. I’m so sorry but your friend is dead. Before he died he told me to give this to you.” He hands a notebook to Yongbae. “I’m so sorry.” He bows and left the three.

-oOo-

                It’s been three days since Seungri died. None of them dared open the notebook the doctor handed Yongbae. Daesung doesn’t sleep at his own room instead; he crowds Seunghyun’s room along with Yongbae who doesn’t want to sleep alone either.

                That night…

                “Hyung, don’t you think we should check what Seungri left for us?” Daesung questions Yongbae who’s positioned between him and Seunghyun. Yongbae sat up and went to Jiyong’s room where they left the notebook Seungri asked the doctor to give them. Yongbae came back to Seunghyun’s room holding the said notebook.

                Dropping to his knees, he opens the notebook to its last page. He saw Jiyong’s letter in the first sleeve. He reads it with tears slowly filling up the corners of his eyes. When he got to the last sentence of the letter, he notices a sudden difference in the handwriting of the last word.

                “Yah, check this out.” He showed the letter to the two. “Seungri finishes jiyong’s letter for him.” Yongbae then took the notebook back and read another letter that follows Jiyong’s farewell letter to Seungri.

                                ”Jiyong hyung, you’re so bad! Leaving me behind like this. You won’t be able to read this anymore but I still want to write a letter for you.

                                Hyung, don’t be sorry… There’s nothing to apologize for. You know that just being with you makes me complete. Just sitting right next to you makes me whole. It doesn’t matter whether you pick on me or not. It doesn’t matter whether you’re good or not coz for me; you’ll always be a good hyung, always.

                                Jiyong hyung, you’re my reason for fighting this battle we call life. You’ve been the reason why I keep on striving to be a better person, a better performer. You’ve been the source of my strength whenever I’m feeling down. Making you happy is just my way of thanking you for giving me this strength, for staying beside me always. That’s all I can do to repay your kindness to me. And that’s all I ever want to do; to love you and to make you happy.

                                You’ve always been special in my eyes. Even before I met you in person, you’ve always been special. I look up to you and you know that. I’m just glad that when I met you in person, when I got in the group, you treated me like you’re equal. That’s more than enough for me but still, you gave me more. You treated me like I’m yours. And yes, I’m yours. Till now and forever will be yours. I’m so happy to be standing next to you, to be singing songs with you, to dance in the same stage with you. I’m more than blessed already. But like I said, you still gave me more. You loved me in a way I can’t comprehend at first but still, you loved me. I finally realize that you love in that way. In that way a guy loves a girl. And I am the luckiest person to be loved like that by you. I loved you as much. I loved you even more than you loved me.

                                But then you left me. You’re there and I’m here. You left for good. I can’t let you go hyung! I just can’t. So yes, I’ll follow you because I love you. I love you till eternity.

                                I’ll see you soon in heaven or hell or in between hyung. We’ll be together again.

P.S.

                                To our hyungs, I’m so sorry. I know what I will do is wrong and unforgivable but I can’t live anymore. I love you three. Don’t even dare follow us to the other side! We’re done here but you three aren’t.  I love you.

                No tears come out of the three. It’s too late to cry now. Besides, they know very well that Seungri and Jiyong are happy now wherever they are. They just hope that the two will look after them wherever they may be.

-oOo-

                Seungri wanders around the vast white surrounding he is in. Searching, just searching. Till he found the person he’s been looking for. “Hyung!” he runs toward the boy not even looking at anywhere else but him. “Finally, you made it here. Although I don’t like the way you exited our world, but I’m glad that you’re finally here.” He hugs Seungri tightly. “Even death can’t separate us hyung. Not even death can.”