To Hell with Rules

“Hey, do you like me?”

            Lu Han stopped dribbling the ball the moment he heard those words. Did Kris just say something? Were his ears tricking him? Kris, his so-called best friend, was asking him if he liked him. Bloody hell.

            Lu Han turned his body toward Kris, still holding the ball. The Chinese boy lengthened the space between them by taking a step back. Kris was staring at him carefully. His dark brown eyes are like swords that stabbed him right at the heart. He couldn’t. He couldn’t keep the eye contact while his heart beat fast like this. Kris wasn’t supposed to know. He wasn’t supposed to know that Lu Han indeed like him. Without Lu Han realizing, Kris took a step toward him. His damn tall body looked so intimidating compared to Lu Han’s average one.

            “Answer me, Xiao Lu.”

            And that was it. Lu Han threw the ball to Kris’ chest and started laughing. The only moment when Kris used that nickname was when he wanted to make fun of him, because Lu Han was indeed younger and shorter than him. He can’t be serious, right? Lu Han thought to himself and punched Kris’ shoulder playfully. Then he took up the ball from the ground.

            “Don’t make fun of me. I’m already used to that stupid teasing of yours.” Lu Han looked at his wristwatch and passed the ball to Kris. “Guess I need to leave now.”

            Without waiting for Kris’ answer, Lu Han made a way out of Kris’ home yard and walked toward the street. He just realized that his body was a bit trembling. It was not everyday you found your friend from the same asking you whether you liked them or not. And for Lu Han, his liking toward Kris was supposed to be kept secret and no one could know, especially Kris himself.

            They had been known each other for not too long. It was around five months ago that Lu Han and his family moved to Vancouver, leaving their lovely hometown, Beijing. It was in his first visit to the nearest church on Sunday morning when he met Kris Wu for the first time. They sat beside each other in the church and when Lu Han found out that Kris’ father was originally Chinese (Kris himself was Canadian citizen, because although he was born in Guangzhou, he grew up here in Vancouver), the 17 years old boy couldn’t help but felt joy that he met another (half) Chinese in this new place. They met again the next week in the same church and sat beside each other again. It was when Lu Han had settled up for school and he found out that Kris was a freshman in college. Both then exchanged cellphone number and started meeting and hanging out once in a while.

            Lu Han couldn’t recall when that feeling started to grow. He himself didn’t know why he liked Kris, who was clearly from the same gender as him. Lu Han admitted that Kris was indeed gorgeous, but that wasn’t a reason to like him for God’s sake. Brought up in a quite strict Catholic family, he never touched a cigarette, let alone tasted alcohol. He also fixed his mistakes by a confession regularly. So when Kris’ images started to come to his mind and took most of his attention, he clearly knew that it was a sin to feel that, to love the other guy, that it was against nature and he was afraid. Afraid of God’s punishment, afraid of his parents and the society’s judgment, and the most important, afraid of Kris’ view toward him if he knew the truth. That was why he tried hard to hide his feeling for Kris and presented himself as a perfect student, perfect son, and perfect Catholic.

            Now here he was, on the way to his home because his mother told him not to come home late. He checked his cellphone and there was a message from Kris.

Sender: Kris

You rascal! I’m not done with you. How dare you walking away from me like that? And you haven’t answered my question.

            Lu Han sighed and grasped his cellphone tightly. He began to feel worry. Has Kris known about his feeling? Wasn’t that question a joke? Thought that it was the best to ignore Kris for now, Lu Han put his cellphone back inside his pocket. It didn’t take too long before his cellphone started ringing and when he checked the monitor, it was Kris’ name which appeared. Should he answer? Doubtfully he pressed the ‘call’ option.

            “What?” Lu Han tried to sounds annoyed instead of afraid.

            “Where are you?”

            “On my way home.”

            “Look, there’s something I want to confirm from you. Let’s hang out somewhere tomorrow after the Mass. And don’t you dare to say no. See you tomorrow.”

            It was confirmed then. Lu Han now was sure that Kris knew. Now he didn’t want tomorrow to come. God, please forgive me…

***

            Lu Han didn’t show up at the church the next day. Pretending to be sick, he successfully tricked his mother and spent his Sunday morning by laying on the bed while his parents went to the church. There was no sign of Kris nor his texts and calls until noon that he appeared at the front door of Lu Han’s house. Fortunately Lu Han was sleeping at that time because it turned out that he was sick for real, so Kris had to head back with Lu Han’s mother telling him that her son had a fever and was resting. Kris didn’t stop there. He kept texting Lu Han, asking him about his condition. Noticed that Kris Wu wasn’t someone that give up easily, Lu Han turned off his cellphone without replying Kris’ texts.

            On Monday, his condition was better but he was reluctant to go to school. So he spent his time at home, resting and doing nothing. As he his cellphone, there were nine messages and four missed calls from Kris, even some of his classmates sent him messages, asking him why he didn’t come to school. Lu Han felt guilty for ignoring Kris, lying to his parents, and not attending Mass the day before. He planned to have a confession the next day after school. And one thing he knew for sure, he must avoid Kris for now, at least until Kris stopped pestering him about that topic.

            When Lu Han came to make confession on Tuesday after school, he felt uncomfortable. Although he could only see the shadow of the priest through the lattice, he felt that the priest could see right through his heart and soul, as if his sin had become too big that it was visible through every cover. Then the priest broke the silence with his calm voice.

            “You may begin.”

***

            His way home after his confession was not a very nice journey. He kept feeling uncomfortable even after he made confession. He didn’t feel right and began questioning if it was wrong to love, even if it turned out to be another guy. Didn’t God guide and teach his people to love? So why couldn’t he love Kris? Why did God seem to forbid him to love? Was loving Kris different with loving any girl out there?

            As he opened his front door, his mother greeted him with what looked like too happy expression. She pulled his arm gently and closed the door behind them.

            “Where have you been?” she frowned, her smile a bit disappeared. “Your friend has been here for I don’t know how long, maybe thirty minutes or more.”

            “Who? Is it Charlie?” Lu Han thought that it maybe was his classmates that came, since he accidentally took Charlie’s book earlier at school.

            “No, not that red haired boy. This one is the tall and handsome kid that always sits beside you at the church. You know, the one who dyed his hair blonde. What’s his name again? Oh yeah, Kris.”

            “WHAT? WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?” Lu Han yelled.

            “Ssshhhhh!!!” his mother hissed and slapped his head with his palm. “Where’s your manner, young man?”

            Lu Han rubbed his head and was about to ask where Kris is when the sound of steps were heard. Lu Han turned his head to the direction where the sound came from and there he was, walking toward the living room, Kris Wu. He quickly hid himself behind his mother’s body.

            “Mrs. Lu, is Lu Han home?” Kris’ voice sounded so jarring when actually he just asked normally. When he saw Lu Han standing behind his mother, he tried to hold his smile.

            “What are you doing?” his mother pulled Lu Han to stand beside her. “Go take Kris to your room. He has been waiting for you. Go go go!” she motioned for Lu Han to take Kris upstairs.

            “Eeerrr…n-no.” Lu Han was stuttering because although this wasn’t the first time Kris went to his house, Lu Han never invited him to his room. And judging from what he was facing right now, bringing Kris to his room would just be unsafe, because he was worry if Kris saw something that confirmed Lu Han’s feeling for him. Moreover he didn’t want her mother to hear a single word from the conversation they would be having. “L-let’s just go outside. Can we, mama?” he turned to his mother

            “But you just went home.”

            “It won’t be long. I’ll be back before dinner. Let’s go, Kris.” Lu Han took his bag and opened the door quickly. Kris followed him and they strolled through the town. The situation was awkward because Kris didn’t ask or say anything during their walk so Lu Han decided to start a conversation.

            “I’m sorry.”

            Kris stopped walking. “Sorry for what?”

            “For not replying your texts and calls. I didn’t mean to ignore you. But yeah, something came up, and I was sick last Sunday, so…”

            “Stop making excuses.” Kris turned at Lu Han and stared at his face. “I know what’s on your mind. I know what you’re hiding from me. I know that you have feeling for me and now you can just stop lying to me and to yourself…”

            “No, you’re wrong. Listen…”

            “No, you listen to me, you brat! I like you, your hear me? I like you, too.”

            Lu Han froze. Kris? Loved him? No way, he must have heard it wrong. But deep on his mind, he knew that he heard Kris’ words as it was. Kris loved him. This new information was like a blitz that appeared and disappeared quickly in a blink of an eye. He forced himself to look at that pair of dark brown piercing eyes.

            “But…why?” Lu Han whispered.

            Kris turned away and continued to walk. Lu Han followed him and when Kris stopped near a big tree, he spun his body around and leaned against the tree. Lu Han stood in front of him, demanding an explanation.

            “There’s no reason needed to love someone, Lu Han.” He focused his attention back to Lu Han. “I love you simply because I love you. Love happens on its own way that we don’t know how the process works.”

            “But you clearly know that we are both men. I-it’s wrong for us love each other. Because how if people knew? How if our parents knew? Our friends, people who came to the same church as us, how if they knew and they…”

            Kris chuckled. “They what? Start labeling us as gay? It that what you mean?”

            “How could you say it so easily? Aren’t you a Catholic? You do know that it is a sin for us to love.”

            “Look, I admit that I’m not too fond of religion. I was raised Catholic and I do believe in God, but there are some things Church teaches that I can’t agree. And the reason I keep coming to the Mass --although I thought it was because maybe, just maybe, I have made reconciliation with God-- it’s actually because of you. Church is the place I can meet you regularly. And you know what, it’s never wrong to love someone. It’s people that make it looks wrong. Now you tell me where the fault is, can you?”

            There was a pause. Lu Han tried to process Kris’ words in the middle of his raging mind. He must admit that he agreed with Kris. Struggling with this feeling inside his heart for months was just too much for him. Then he remembered his confession he made earlier that day that couldn’t calm his mind.

            He looked up at Kris and he didn’t know why, but staring at Kris’ eyes brought that warm feeling inside his chest.

            “Now I demand an answer.”

            Kris’ voice brought him back to reality. He turned away nervously, entering his hands to his pocket. Before he could say any words, Kris stretched out his hand. Lu Han looked at the hand Kris was offering to him, and then he looked at Kris’ face. A smile crept up his face.

            “If you still want to be with me, take my hand.”

            Lu Han focused his eyes at Kris’ hand, and without a hesitation he reached that hand and intertwined their fingers. It felt so right to have Kris’ fingers against his, and he promised to himself to not let it go. Ever.

***