Misconstrued
tr.v. mis·con·strued, mis·con·stru·ing, mis·con·strues
To mistake the meaning of; misinterpret.

Taemin.

Kibum dances alongside this young, dance prodigy with clear, doe-like eyes and milky skin. SM’s head choreographer flashes both of them a proud and satisfied smile, nodding in approval as Kibum and Taemin reach his expectations (and more). The boy moves his body naturally and makes it look like his second nature, next to breathing. All the sleepless nights, the sweat-soaked shirts, and the worn-out dancing shoes are finally paying off.

Kibum is finally going to debut – with Taemin and three other boys who he now considers as brothers. And then the time comes, the directors gather the five of them in the same conference room where they all cross paths for the very first time.

The roles are distributed. Kibum smiles and frowns at the same time – it’s alright, at least I get the lead. When he looks at the overly ecstatic boy sitting two seats from him, his heart swells and there is just no way he can wipe that beautiful, pure smile off that innocent face. Kibum sends his sincerest smile to Taemin like a mother would to her child. Kibum decides he can very much handle being the lesser one.

Minho.

There is this boy with big, pretty eyes, small face, and tall stature and Kibum is in awe – Minho, Kibum finds out when both of them are sent in one of the studios to recite endless tongue twisters. Sooner than later, Kibum finds out that he and this boy are the polar opposites of each other. Minho rarely utters a word while Kibum, well, he loves to talk a whole lot. And then they are trained to rap where Kibum notices an even larger gap of their personalities.

But time as time goes Minho’s deep and husky voice doesn’t sound so awkward and irking with Kibum’s thin and nasal-y one anymore. All the breathing in and breathing out and finding your rhythm is finally paying off.

Kibum is finally going to debut – with Minho and three other boys who he now considers as brothers. And then the time comes, the directors gather the five of them in the same conference room where they all cross paths for the very first time.

The staff releases their roles in the group and Kibum can only smile a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes because – it’s alright, at least I get the lead. Again. He dares a glance to Minho across the table and his heart is suddenly warmed: of that beautiful smile, of those bright eyes, and of the low cackle that Kibum is most positive comes from Minho. Kibum can’t, not in any way, afford to see this tall boy lose that smile he is sporting. So Kibum sends him his own flash of pearly white teeth and decides that yes, he can handle being the lesser one for the second time around.

Jonghyun.

He meets a jolly and interesting boy at the first half of his trainee years. Kibum studies his face – round, puppy eyes, sharp nose, full lips, and the perfect jaw line – and he instantly figures out that this particular boy will be their center. They turn from friends to best friends and soon, band mates. Kibum finds his perfect pair in mischievous acts and witty remarks in Jonghyun until.

Their vocal trainer is strict and passionate, but he loves to train Jonghyun nonetheless. And Kibum can’t really argue with that. The boy can hit notes and deliver lines clearly, confidence unwavering even when he cracks at some point in time. Kibum harmonizes with him and their vocal trainer applauds them for a song well sang. All the humming of scales in the morning and all the warm water taken to shape their voice in its best condition has finally paid off.

Kibum is finally going to debut – with Jonghyun and three other boys who he now considers as brothers. And then the time comes, the directors gather the five of them in the same conference room where they all cross paths for the very first time.

The roles are finally revealed. Kibum can feel the boy beside him bouncing continuously and grinning like the idiot he is and Kibum can’t really say anything – this is to be expected. He slings an arm around Jonghyun and the said boy does the same, only tighter and with both limbs pulling Kibum into a bone-crushing hug. Kibum doesn’t have the heart to ruin this special moment because Jonghyun is happy to have gotten what he worked hard for. There is no competition as Kibum pats him supportively and thinks, it’s alright; Jonghyun-hyung is way better.

Kibum can hear nothing but the fan chant, their names being screamed at the top of their fans’ lungs. Lee Jinki, Kim Jonghyun, Kim Kibum, Choi Minho, Lee Taemin! Bitnaneun! SHINee—

Five years down the road and they’re still here, standing amidst the thousands and thousands of fan girls (and boys) with enormous sign boards of their biases. As the five boys twirl and glide and sing to the melody of the song they are currently promoting, Kibum feels overwhelmed but holds it in for when the spotlights are switched off and there is no one else with him in the room. His slinky eyes scan the crowd and sees a few, here and there and a little more on the farther part of the stadium.

Kibum resists the urge to frown.

It has always been like this, always. He shouldn’t have expected to see more sign boards of his name than Taemin, or Minho. He shouldn’t have expected to overpower the large streamers of Jonghyun and Onew. After all, his band mate themselves have always ranked him to be the least attractive. But it’s alright, I’ve always been the lesser person; being the least is nothing new.

Later, when the five of them are back at their dorm and the moon is high up in with the starry sky, Kibum will dwell in self-reflection as he reads through the different opinions of fans all over the world. Kibum will sit there quietly with the laptop on his lap and a sleeping Lee Jinki in the same room as him, heart pounding and crashing and – he doesn’t push himself hard enough like the others, he should stop being so self-centered, his facial features are very common, and he’s so girly.

And he will continue to sit there in the dead of the night, lips trembling and eyes watering, but he will never let his band mates know because yes, he can still take it; he can still afford to be the least person in SHINee. He will wait until tomorrow, when they are free of schedules and his own set of friends are free as well, to voice out the lashes on his heart because the 91-line will and can understand. They will understand because they, too, share the same pain: of being criticized beyond words, of being underrated, of being misconstrued.

They know of his capabilities and his limitations and they know full well the difference of holding back and not trying hard enough. When Kibum dances, there are always two sides to consider. They realize that to be continue being in the group, Kibum has to take two steps back and one aside to give way to the main dancer, the main rapper, and the main vocal. They are quite aware of the SM’s ways – promoting those who are far superior in looks and masculinity; leaving out the least money-making individual.

It isn’t like Kibum isn’t pushing himself to his limits, no. It’s quite the contrary actually. He dances, he sweats, he sings, he hurts his vocal cords, he raps, and he consumes the English language just for the sake of his group. Kibum works hard just like everybody else and often times even harder. To stay on the top of food chain, he gives up the lime light and instead settles for the short seconds that the camera would focus in on his face and then. He shows them a wide and confident smile, the one he uses for performance and nothing else. A little too practiced but it’s a better option than bringing the whole team down because of him.

So he tries to make a name for himself – Catch Me If You Can – and proves the doubters wrong. That he can sing and he can sing and he can actually act. He brings pride to his team, putting his two cents on the table just to avoid being called a left-over; showing the world that SHINee isn’t SHINee without him.

But I guess it’s just not enough, because they still see him in the same light: self-centered, annoying, the least wanted. People misunderstand his actions still and it kind of hurt, Kibum admits. Five years down the road and strangers still don’t understand a thing about him.

Kibum decides to let go — Taemin can dance his life away and Minho can rap like there’s no tomorrow, Kibum will just have to remain where he is at the moment: in the side lines, cheering them on and dancing foolish girl group dances. Because he can still do it, I can manage to be the lesser person; the reserve.

Jinki.

Kibum first laid his eyes on him one cold, Saturday afternoon. There are bits of snow in his hair and a lot more clinging onto his coat when he finally enters the label’s building. He tries to shrug it off a little until another boy – round cheeks, slim eyes, and rabbit teeth – steps in, doing the same as him. Kibum stills for a moment and then, Hi, I’m Jinki. This weird-looking boy looks up from shrugging the snow off his hair and gives Kibum a different kind of smile.

Kibum can tell it’s different from the many others he has seen because it instantly warmed his insides and made him smile in return – dimples showing and eyes crinkling.

I’m Kibum, he offers back; heart skipping a beat or two when this Jinki boy takes a step closer and stretches an arm out. Jinki ruffles Kibum’s hair and lets his arm fall back to his side. Kibum blinks once, twice, thrice before he gets it: oh, there was still snow on my head. And thank you.

(They walk together inside the building with Kibum wearing one of Jinki’s warm winter gloves and a smile that is so, so new to him he ought to take a picture of it in case he forgets – but he doubts he can.)

Kibum is finally going to debut – with Jinki and three other boys who he now considers as brothers. And then the time comes, the directors gather the five of them in the same conference room where they all cross paths for the very first time.

When the roles are handed out, Kibum graced everyone with a content smile. His eyes turn into beautiful crescents, twinkling and making everyone in the room contaminated with such honesty. Because beside him Jinki is the same; Jinki is still himself after knowing that Jonghyun gets to be the main vocalist, that Taemin gets to be the main dancer, that Minho gets to be the main rapper.

And because underneath the table, away from everybody else’s view, Jinki’s hand is warm against Kibum’s; his finger drawing soothing circles on the back of the younger’s palm, a silent it doesn’t matter, let’s enjoy the view from the sidelines. Kibum tightens his hold to keep him sane.

Five years down the road and they’re still standing at the far left and the far right; strong, stronger. They stand rooted, looking out for the three in between.

Kibum learns to smile genuinely on and off stage because Jinki is there; because there is someone to take care of him and someone to take care of in return. The insecurities, the uncertainties – they still miraculously plague Kibum’s thoughts every once in a while but Jinki is there, grabbing his hands under the table because it’s alright, we can both be the lesser ones.

Beneath the mask, the outgoing personality and the childish acts, Jinki sees through Kibum. Jinki sees the introvert side of Kibum and he’s glad he’s the only one who can. And the following year, Kibum is sure they’d still be here: standing at the opposite sides of their group, making their existence known even just for a little.

(Because not everyone can see the true leader in Onew, and not everyone can see the might in Key other than the two of them. And it’s okay as long as—)

I don’t want to replace the laughter that comes unwittingly for a pretension of strength, coolness and toughness.

–Onew

So my dream isn’t to become the best, it’s to be someone who I’m not ashamed to be.

–Key

Note:
Excuse me while I cry kill myself for writing such non-sense. So I'll just leave this here.