Author: PrincessHades
Title: Love and Dreams
Reviewed by: Admin Soupjong

 TITLE: (1/2) 

            The title is not the best, but it’s not bad either. It’s very relevant to the story, those two things being the two general themes of the story, but you did use the two most common words that I see in titles, so for that I had to take a mark off.

 FOREWORD: (2/10) 

            I did like how you put the definition of each word in the title and then added Hyunae’s thoughts about the said thing. It shows us some of the emotions that she may feel throughout the fan fiction and foreshadows that some unfortunate things may happen to her. Though I did like that part, I could have gone without the pictures and the font with colour changing magic; the statement about font applies to the whole foreword. 

            I am one of those people who are against character descriptions, so brace yourself. First of all, the pictures of everyone aren’t really needed if you describe their appearances in the actual story. I’d also like to point out that Hyunae’s picture does look like the Hyunae in the story if I’m not mistaking, I usually don’t like to pick on small details, but things like these could be so easily avoided if we just got rid of character descriptions. Things like these don’t just apply to the picture; information given in the character description may not match the information in the story either, so please try to match the information if you do continue to make character descriptions in the future. I believe that the story should be able to provide its own character description for each character through the way they react to situations, etc. so try to do this and save yourself the hassle of making character descriptions and having to follow them!

            The plot is given away in the foreword as well. I’d try to take that out as soon as possible if I were you! Think about it this way: So, you’re about to watch a drama, but before fully committing to watching it only because your friends said it was good. You read the description box only to find that the whole storyline is written up right there. So, what’s the point of watching the drama, besides seeing (insert hot Korean man’s name here) shirtless or acting cute. Hopefully you get what I’m trying to say. So, I’d recommend you not to put your summarized plot in the foreword next time, it spoils the story and may be a turn off to potential readers!

            Your trailer was nice, but it also took away from the mystery of whom Hyunae likes, which ruined the first couple of chapters for me. Try not to give away too much in your foreword next time; keep your subscribers wanting more!

 CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: (8/10) 

            There hasn’t been much character development yet, but we are being revealed to Hyunae’s soft side, which I’ll consider character development since she was said to be “cold-hearted” in the character descriptions. I will say that I liked how MeiNa turned out to be a even though she seemed to be really sweet!

            I will once again comment about the character descriptions. I really dislike those things, and I’ll tell you why. They don’t give us a chance to get to know the characters little by little or connect with them; this reduces the amount of enjoyment from the story for me.

 PLOT/CREATIVITY: (3/10) 

           Okay, I really don’t want to be the annoying reviewer to tell you this, and I won’t be because I’ll use a different word; you have a trite plot.  This sort of plot has been told, written, and regurgitated time and time again on this site, with different Korean pop idols and an “ulzzang” with a pair of glasses on her face. I know that there are billions of people in this world, thousands of people on Asianfanfics and probably billions of stories along with them, so I do understand that it is hard to come up with an “original” plot. But, why choose this plot?  I probably sound very harsh right now, so I’ll direct this question to Asianfanfics as a community: why? If my eyes haven’t deceived me, then this story is about an average girl or maybe even a bit on the uglier side, as most, a group, or in this case two groups, of good-looking men and es. Also, this almost ugly girl is childhood friends with very good-looking males, she ends up becoming friends with kingkas in China, she makes a of a friend, and how could we forget our crazy and not to mention abusive fangirls! I understand that this story isn’t the exact same as the others that have these same characters, because after all it isn’t the characters that make the plot, it’s the storyline.

           So far this story, unfortunately, isn’t much different from the usual Asianfanfics’ favourite story to write, though as of right now I’m still not entirely a sure if there is a beauty hidden behind those glasses. I really encourage you to put a plot twist or something in there because right now I’ve already assumed how the story will probably progress, though I’m stuck on the ending; is she going to end up with Kai, Luhan, Kris or die… I know I sound like I’m bashing right now and I really hope that you understand that I am not in any way trying to do that. I believe that improvement is achieved through discipline and brutality, so please don’t misunderstand. This story is still progressing, so if you’ve already planned what’s going to happen next finish reading my suggestions and rewrite the rest of your story only if you feel the need to.

           As I’ve mentioned before, please add a plot twist of some sort! Misunderstandings always happen in stories, so try to think of something that you’ve never read, or have rarely seen happen about before. For example: Instead of the main character being a beauty, she could realize that she was ugly no matter what she tries! This could lead to many different things, a change in the way she acts, she could decide to do certain things that she wouldn’t have thought of doing otherwise, etc. Changing one thing about a character, whether it is their appearance, the way they see themselves/others, a personality change or things of the sort can drastically change the way a plot progresses, but that also depends on how relevant that character is of course.  Another thing you could do is write little drabbles every now and then to get ideas out of your head, if you don’t do this already. You don’t have to post them or even type them; they could be written on a pad of paper! This can help you be more creative with future plots, or it may even give you ideas to incorporate into your ongoing stories! Hopefully this will steer you away from the path of a trite plot, which, unfortunately, I consider your plot to be as of right now.

 GRAMMAR: (6/10) 

            There were quite a few major and minor grammar mistakes, so I’ll just be touching on the some of the major things: Tenses, point of view and quotes.

            Your story is written mostly in the past tense, and the conversations are in the present tense, which is correct. But, when the story is being told you tend to mishmash the tenses a bit. This is an excerpt from the first chapter:

           “You yawned as you took your seat in your homeroom. You looked to your left and saw that your desk partner, MeiNa has yet to arrive. Feeling tired, you rest your head on the table and used one of your textbook to cover your face from the disturbing light.”  I’ve highlighted the past tense in yellow and the present tense in green. As you might have noticed you did your tense changes in the middle of sentences, which makes the mistakes quite evident here. Little things like changing that "rest" to "rested" will make your story better written.

            You’ve decided to tell this story in 2^nd person, which I will give you props for. Why? Because telling a story in the 2^nd person is the hardest way to tell one. It takes practice; I myself am not very good with this point of view. I personally don’t like using this point of view when telling stories, or just in any type of writing, but I won’t be biased about it. Please try to practice using this point of view a bit more because right now it sounds okay, but it could use some work, the flow in particular. I’d also like to advise you to try writing in a different point of view for your next stories until you get better with the second person. First person would be good to use since it’s similar to second person, but it may also be a bit different as the perspective of the character you tell it through may warp the story a bit.

            When someone is speaking, a new paragraph should be started. It should look something like this when two people are having a conversation:

           “Hello sir! It’s nice to see you again,” said person number one.

           “Well, it’s great to see you too!” replied person number two, “but I’m afraid I have to leave now.”

           “Oh, well it was nice chatting with you,” person number one ended the conversation.

           Try using this as an example when writing dialogue as I’ve seen some punctuation errors in your writing as well.

           Before moving on, I’d like to encourage you to read some of your sentences aloud, as some of them were a bit awkward, and also indent your paragraphs. Overall your grammar was definitely not bad.

 SPELLING: (10/10) 

            There weren’t any major or repeated spelling errors that I could find.

 FLOW: (6/10) 

           The placing of explanations about characters is a bit awkward in some places.  In chapter one, I felt that the characters’ introductions sort of began out of nowhere; she sat down at the table and then the introductions just followed. This also happened in chapter six when you explained that Baekhyun was also staying with Kai, I felt that it could have been better if that was explained through dialogue.

           The beginning was slow and boring for me. Most of the things that took place in the beginning were thoroughly explained in the foreword already.

           Sometimes you explained things that weren’t really in need of an explanation, and would already be understood. You may want to be detailed and descriptive, but there is such a thing as too much.

 OVERALL ENJOYMENT: (4/10) 

           As I’ve already mentioned, the beginning bored me, and there was a point when I was about to close the window. But, when I got to chapter three, I was starting to feel it a bit. Overall I’m excited about what you decide to do with such an overused plot, I want to see what twist you decide to put on it, especially after reading my review and hopefully using some of my suggestions. There were still some things that you could have done to make this more enjoyable. You tend to sum things up for the reader and you don’t let them make their own assumptions or predictions about what may happen next. It takes away from the enjoyment a bit. But also the plot spoiler in the foreword is a big one, it ruined the beginning and the trailer gave away the love triangle. I’d like to advise you to give your readers some curiosity! It will keep them anticipating and wanting more! Cliffhangers would be a thing to try to add to their curiosity; readers have mixed feelings about them, but they’re writer’s best friends, or am I the only one who enjoys seeing their pain?

 BONUS: (1/10) 

           I know I’ve been harsh on you, but hopefully my advice and criticism help you become a better writer. Your plot needs some work, but I believe there’s still room for improvement since it’s just the start. I strongly consider you to revise your foreword, as that seems to be what I commented on the most.  Your grammar and spelling were both pretty good, especially compared to other stories that I’ve stumbled upon. Also, though your plot is a bit common around here, I found your fan fiction entertaining at least. But, unfortunately me loving this story is a bit of a daydream, and I say daydream because it does have the potential to make me love it, but it’s not at that point yet.

           I’m sorry if this is a bit long!

 FINAL TOTAL: (41/70 = 59%) 

           Practice makes perfect!