It’s hard to remember a time without Heechul. Maybe there was never a time without him. He was the first friend I ever cherished, and he’ll probably be with me until I die. He seemed so free spirited, almost like he was immortal. He didn’t care about anything, while I was Hangeng the worry-wart. I guess one of us had to be. Sometimes, I questioned why we ever hung out. I didn’t like him, and he didn’t especially like me, but our parents had always put us together, so we were used to each other‘s company. We didn’t hang out constantly because we were friends (if you could call u such) and we had everything in common (which we didn’t), we hung out simply because we always had.

But you remember I told you I don’t like him, right? He was an open umbrella in my house. Whenever I was with him, I felt sad and in pain, and things would happen when I was with him. It didn’t make sense to link them to him except he was always there when they occurred.

He’s not a bad person, and I can feel it when he’s with me. I hate him when he’s not around. He was there when my grandmother passed from cancer. We were alone in my house during the summer when my mother called and told me what happened. Heechul held me as I cried. I don’t remember him leaving my side at all that summer.

I suppose I’ve made it sound like wherever I am, Heechul is, and vice versa, but that’s not the case. He left often, and whenever he was gone, he never even crossed my mind. My life was full of happiness whenever he was away, and each time he came back, he brought with him pain and sadness into my life. I do admit, though, whenever Heechul was gone, I didn’t feel quite right. I assumed it was because it was strange not having him with me.

We ended up getting an apartment together, during and after college. Heechul retained his habit of leaving like a thief in the night. It never hurt me when I realized he’d left, and often, I didn’t even notice he was gone until he came back, luggage in hand. It hurt then… it hurt a lot.

“Why did you leave without saying goodbye?!” I would ask while clinging to him and crying into his clothes.

“I did say goodbye. You were asleep, though.” it was the same every time. I hated when he was with me, but I hated even more when he was away. I needed him, but he didn’t need me.

I treasured him. I stayed up all night for weeks on end making sure he stayed with me. Then, the night I felt confident that he wouldn’t leave me, I’d fall asleep and fail to notice his absence the next morning.

He came back of course, and despite ow he always brought pain into my life, I was always happy to see him. We were never very fond of each other, but it was then, that day his homecoming put a smile on my face, I realized I’d been in love with him the whole time. How could I possibly fall in love with the person who came back into my life only when I was hurting? Perhaps it was simply because he was always there when I was miserable. He held me when I cried and he was gone when I was happy… truly happy.

How does one hold themself back after realizing the love of their life stood before them? How would you react if suddenly, all of your feelings for them came like a tidal wave, and you, the unprepared surfer, sink under their weight?

Heechul smiled at me, and I clung to him. I wrapped my arms around his small frame and held him close, burying my face in his neck. “Why did it take me so long to realize I’m in love with you?”

Heechul settled himself into me. “Who knows…? Why does it take you so long to realize I’m gone? Why does it take you so long for you to miss me?”

“Because I’m so used to being with you.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“Because I’m not somebody that anyone should get used to. I’m the reason you get hurt. It’s been thirty years… haven’t you pieced together that whenever you’re feeling sad, I’m with you?”

“Well, I have, but-“

“And how whenever I’m away, you don’t even miss me or even notice that I’m gone until I’m back again?”

“What does that have to do with-“

“Hangeng, you don’t want to fall in love with me.”

“Too late.”

Heechul sighed into my shirt. “But I cause you pain.”

“No, Heechul, you’re just their when I’m in pain.”

“Because I am Pain.”

I released Heechul and looked him square in the eye. “Then I will always be in pain, because I don’t want you to ever leave.” I said as I placed a kiss on Heechul’s lips.

Heechul smiled, his cheeks turning pink. “Crazy bastard.”

“I love you, Heechul.”

“I love you too, Hangeng. Now let’s go into the bedroom and make up for all those years you didn’t know you loved me.”