My dearest Kyesin,

I’ve been meaning to say all of these to you, all these feelings I haven’t expressed before. It breaks my heart to write this letter, but finally I say it to you.

I’m staring out the window as I write this letter. It’s raining outside, but I can only think of you. My tears fall as the raindrops do. Little drops of water just pouring down… I am quite unsure of what I’ll write, but it all comes from my heart.

I love you very much. You may have not felt it, but I do. I really do. And I’m sorry.

You are my little angel, my source of sunshine… my source of warmth and light.

I have been in love with you ever since we first met. March 3 of 2010, 5:48 p.m.. It was one fine spring day. You were sitting on the park bench as the little beams of sunshine threw red sparks in your hair. I knew from that day on, you’ll be the one I’d love.

Our love used to be so hot, but it has now turned cold. We used to be so close. We used to spend time together. When did we become strangers?, I wonder. All the happiness you had then has faded away. I miss the brightness in your smile and the twinkle in your eyes. Time froze all the happiness in you, and as time goes by, I see less and less happiness in your eyes. I see pain; pain that you don’t show. It was pain you tried so hard to hide from me. You’ve always trusted me. You cared for me, more than I did, more than anyone else did. That’s just who you are. I know. I felt it, but I couldn’t even express myself.

I can’t bear to throw away all the memories you have left me. All the time we shared together, all the laughs, all the smiles. I remember how you smiled when you woke up one morning beside me. I remember how you would laugh whenever I try to cook. Your eyes would twinkle like stars whenever you did so. These were all my most valuable treasures. Treasures that I’d keep in my heart forever.

But if you’re in pain, forget all of them. It will be easier that way. It will be easier for you to walk away. You can forget about me too. I don’t mind. As long as it is what you want. As long as you’ll be happy.

I still dream of the day when I can be with you. I dream of the day when I could stand in front of you coolly. I dream one day that I could wake up every morning happily, knowing you’re just there, right beside me. I dream of the day when I can finally say that you are mine forever.

But that will never happen; I know that now. I’m a bad person; I really am. You’ve given me everything you could yet I leave you with just a scar… a bruise… a wound…

How many times have I left you to walk alone? How many times did I let you cry by yourself? How many times have I not been there to be by your side? I know there were a lot. And I know you hated me for doing so, but you continued loving me instead. So don’t cry now, my angel. That will no longer happen. Now you’re free from me, please be happy and be peaceful.  I hope all the pain that I’ve caused you would heal someday.

Please do me one last favor, my love. Go and find someone better than me. Smile forever with him. Love him, like you’ve always loved me. Don’t think of me. I’ll be fine. I’ll be okay. I’ll live well. You don’t have to worry about me.

I wonder at this same moment tomorrow, where will you be? What will you be doing? I realize your happiness in the future will no longer include me. But when you cry, and if you really wish to remember me… Just tell me. I’ll accompany you through your sadness. Don’t worry about hurting my heart.

My love Park Kyesin, I ask you this one question: If I was the one who said goodbye, would you be less sad?

I quietly whispered ‘Don’t Go’ as you said goodbye to me. I didn’t want to say it out loud, because I want to send you off beautifully. I didn’t want to let you see me in tears, just like right now. The more I feel the pain, the more I cannot leave you.

I don’t think I can no longer be able to live without you around, but I know, even when I’m alone, I can still be with you. I’ve sealed my heart with this letter. My heart belongs to you. Please take care of it.

Maybe someday, we’d meet again. What happens after that? I don’t know… I’ll just have to wait. I’ll be waiting for you, Park Kyesin. I’ll wait as long as I can.

I am sorry my love could not be spoken out from my heart…

Goodbye, my one and only love…

-Kyuhyun