My name is Cho Kyuhyun, I’m 24years old and I’m the maknae of the famous boy band Super Junior. I’m doing what I love most, singing. So my life is pretty much perfect. Pretty much…

The thing is, everything was going well for me until a year ago when I started developing love feelings for one of my band mates. At first, I thought it was just some sort of gratitude and affection since he has been taking well care of me ever since I joined the band. However, a couple of months later, I realized it’s not the case… I’m actually in love with him.

With whom you ask? No one other than the perfect, gentleman, handsome, freaking dimple Siwon… Choi Siwon.

Ever since I came to that resolution, I started leaning to his touches and skinship, but of course with a snarky comment because I wouldn’t want him to suspect anything. I have no idea what he’ll do if he finds out about my feelings for him, and so far… I don’t want him to.

I love Siwon too much to risk him pushing me away or feel disgusted by me. That’s why, I only act like the spoil little maknae he knows and adores –as a dongseang of course- but deep inside, I’m dying to have more of him.

I always dream about how it would feel like to kiss him, but I end up having a cold shower after because my dreams tend to take a wet turn sometimes.

So, I was fine, or pretending to be fine, for a whole eight months, but lately, I grow a habit of sneaking into his bed.

Choi Siwon is my roommate. He has his own apartment but luckily for me, since we have a packed up schedule, he chose to stay at the dorms. So after a lot of gloomy nights watching him sleep and letting his light snores lure me to sleep as well, one day I found myself making my way under his blanket and just letting the warmth radiating from his back to warm my aching heart.

I did it for about a month and so it became a habit. Siwon had never suspected anything because he’s a fast sleeper and because I always disappear first thing when the sun rays shine. When he would wake up, he would find me sleeping in my bed –pretending to sleep-, and he would disappear into the bathroom, leaving my heart pounding in my chest because I could still feel his body pressed against mine each time.

I became an addict… If I don’t lie down with Siwon’s body warming me, I can’t drift to sleep. So far, I’m so lucky I didn’t get caught, but I have a speech prepared in case someday I would. Just a silly excuse to avoid pouring my real feelings to him and making him hate me.

...

So tonight is another night when I tuck myself under the sheets and watch Siwon does the same…

“Good night, Kyunnie”

“Good night, hyung”

I close my eyes, pretending I’m trying to sleep, while my insides are boiling, impatiently waiting to sneak into his bed as soon as possible. I keep peeking from one eye to see if he’s already asleep but his body is still moving so I will have to wait a bit longer.

A couple of minutes later, I can hear the first snore of the night, and that is my cue to climb off my bed and walk to Siwon’s.

I slowly pull off the blanket and sneak my body under it, burying my face in his nape as usual, sniffing his hair that smells like strawberry… my favorite fruit by the way.

A sudden hot breeze travels through my veins and I can finally relax and feel sleep take over me. My body snuggles closer to Siwon’s back as my hands are fisted between us. However, just as my eyes close, I feel a shift from the figure next to me, making me freeze in place and pop my eyes out. I clasp a hand over my mouth and keep still like a statue, hoping Siwon won’t wake up and find me behind him.

Unfortunately, this is not my lucky night. Siwon indeed wakes up as I see him peeking his head from the corner of his shoulder to see who the person behind him is. Without thinking about it, I wrap my arms around his waist and stop him from turning around.

“Don’t. Just for tonight… I’ll be gone in the morning” I lowly whisper, hoping he won’t kick me out of his bed or even starts asking me questions.

I know I said I have an excuse prepared, but when I’m put in this situation, I feel my tongue tieding up and I forgot what I was supposed to say. Luckily, he doesn’t say anything. He just puts his head back on the pillow, but I can tell he’s frowning with those angry bird eyebrows of his.

At least I get to hug him like this, right? I never dared to touch him afraid he would wake up, but now that he is already awake, I have nothing to lose... Well, I hope I don’t.

I take a deep breath before closing my eyes and surrendering once again to Siwon’s warmth against my chest. Soon enough I drift off to sleep but strangely, I didn’t hear Siwon’s usual snores.

...

As if my brain is set on an alarm, I wake up as usual just as the sun rays shine through the window. There’s no movement in the bed meaning Siwon is still asleep, so I slowly try to pull away without waking him. However, as I’m entangling my arms from his waist, I feel a hand clasping over mine, stopping me from moving away. My breath hitches and my heart starts beating fast inside my chest. I shift my body a bit backward because I don’t want him to feel the beating against his back.

“S-Siwon hyung” I call his name but I can only feel his grip on my hands tightens. I swallow the lump in my throat before forcedly pull away my hands. That action makes him turn around and face me, and when his eyes meet mine and his curious orbs deeply gaze at me, I flinch back and end up falling on the floor.

Siwon is immediately by my side helping me back on my feet. His touch sending shivers through my spine. I want to know what’s going on in his head but I can’t ask. I can’t ask without telling him the truth behind me sneaking into his bed.

I lower my gaze to the floor, looking at my bare feet while nervously biting my bottom lip. I can feel his blazing stare on me but he doesn’t say anything. A couple of minutes later, he finally speaks, but it’s not what I was waiting for.

“We’re gonna be late. I’ll take a shower first”

When I manage to look up, Siwon has already disappeared. I let my body slump back on my bed, putting the pillow on my face to muffle the scream that I’m about to let out.

I’m so frustrated right now. I can’t believe I got caught after doing it for a month. What might Siwon be thinking right now? That I’m such a freak clinging to him while he sleeps? That I’m such a lunatic who craves for his body to lure him to sleep? Whatever it is, I know that I have some serious avoiding to do today.

...

So far so good. Siwon only had a schedule with us this morning and so I made sure not to run into him during breakfast by hiding in Donghae hyung’s room until it was time to leave, and at rehearsals I did my best to not get caught staring at him - I know I’m pathetic, but I can’t help it – and when he was bidding us goodbye to head to his other schedule, a drama shooting, I pretended to focus on some dance steps until he was gone.

However, I’m now back at the dorms, all freshen up and sitting on my bed playing video games. It’s almost midnight and Siwon hasn’t come yet. I’m getting really worried because his schedule is supposed to end an hour ago! Yes I keep track of his schedules >_<

I keep staring at his bed, smiling as I recall this morning and how he held my hand, but then it struck me. Is he avoiding me? Is he not coming home because of what happened last night? Could he possibly have figured out my feelings for him? Oh my god he must be hating me right now!

I start freaking out and I climb off my bed and start pacing the room. I really can’t handle Siwon hating me! He’s my everything! At least he should let me explain, he should give me a chance to show him how much I love him! What am I going to do now? Siwon please don’t do this to me… I love you!

The tears welling in my eyes break free and freely stream down my cheeks. I pick up my phone and dial Siwon’s number. I firmly hold it to my ear and with each ring I can feel blood pumping fast in my chest.

My heart that’s beating faster than lightening drops to my stomach when Siwon doesn’t pick up. I dialed his number several times but no answer. My hands begin to sweat and I start feeling dizzy all of sudden. The mere thought of losing Siwon is unbearable and I really don’t want to lose him.

Without wasting any time, I storm out of my room and walk out of the dorms. Siwon may be staying at his apartment because that’s the only place possible. I don’t care if Siwon hates me afterwards, but I need to talk to him first. I need to tell him how I feel. I need him to know just how much he is important to me.

I miraculously manage to reach his apartment since the tears were blurring my sight. Fortunately, the streets were almost empty since it’s already midnight.

My heart breaks a little with each step I take toward his house. Once in front of his door, I knock non-stop not caring if I will wake up the neighbors. I have a more urgent situation.

A couple more knocks and the door opens. A dazzling Siwon is standing in front of me, clearly shocked and surprised to see me. I don’t know where I get all the courage but I launch my body on him, possessively wrapping my arms around his neck. I hug him tightly and let my new tears wet his pajama shirt.

I can feel his body trembling but I don’t want to let go just yet. I feel a bit hurt when he doesn’t hug me back so I slightly pull away, letting our gazes meet before I start speaking.

“Hyung… Why didn’t you come to the dorms? Is it because of me? I’m really sorry you had to find out that way, but hyung I really love you. I know you must hate me right now but please give a chance. Please hyung, please”

I say everything in one go and I can see Siwon’s eyes bulging out and his jaw dropping open. It’s too much to process, but I thought he already figured it out? Isn’t that why he didn’t come to the dorms tonight? Didn’t I scare him away?

I daringly let my hands rest on his chest, waiting for him to say anything. His mouth is open but no words coming out of it.

“S-Siwon, please say something”

I plead with him but he looks shocked. He might be thinking I’m crazy by now and the next thing I do will sure confirm his speculation.

I tiptoe a bit, nearing our faces until they’re only centimeters apart. I take one last glance at his confused orbs before closing the gap between our lips.

I gently sandwich his upper lip between mine, slowly giving him time to assess that I’m really kissing him. However, as I start moving my mouth against his, feeling his sweet taste lingering on my lips, he still doesn’t give any response.

A tear escapes my eye when my heart feels rejected and I have to pull away. I take a step backward, putting a space between us but not breaking our gazes.

“K-Kyu”

Finally he can speak but before he can finish his sentence, a girl suddenly gets out of his room, calling his name so casually and making my heart breaks to pieces.

More tears falling from my eyes and there’s a sharp pain in my chest. I can’t breathe properly but I have to leave. I have to save up whatever dignity I have left. I can’t believe I thought I was the reason he didn’t come to the dorms. I can’t believe how stupid I am for thinking I have a chance with him.

I turn around and start running away. When I get into my car, I let myself cry loudly while hitting the steering wheel in frustration. Why did I have to fall in love with him? What did I do to deserve such pain?

…

After I drove back to the dorms, I walk to my room, immediately tucking myself under the blanket and resuming my crying. How can a person have so many tears? How come the pain in my chest keeps on getting worse and worse? I cover my head with the blanket, while clamping a hand over my mouth to block the sobs from coming out. I feel like dying right now because I don’t know what to do without Siwon. At least before, I could’ve hoped to have a chance with him. Now, it all seems impossible.

...

I don’t know how long have I been crying but my throat is already sore and my eyes hurt from all the tears. Suddenly, I feel the bed dips in but I don’t have the strength to turn and see who it is. Two arms firmly circle around my waist and a chest presses against my back.

A familiar warmth is radiating through my body but I’m scared to hope it’s Siwon. However, when his sweet smell reaches my nose, I know it’s him. My eyes pop out and my tears finally stop. I don’t know what I should do or what I should think. He must be feeling bad and now he’s here to coax me.

“Kyun-ah, it’s not what you think”

I unwillingly start crying again when I remember the girl in his house. Then one of his hands starts soothing my back as I bring my knees to my chest and curl up into a ball.

“She’s my co-star Kyu. We didn’t finish shooting until late and I offered her to spend the night at my apartment since it’s the nearest. If you stayed earlier, you would’ve seen manager hyung also there”

I don’t know what to think anymore. So nothing happened between them? But that doesn’t mean he will reciprocate my feelings, right? It only means that he’s not sleeping with that girl.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

His voice is turning tender and I have to close my eyes when I feel his breath on my nape. It’s strange how I used to sneak up to his bed and snuggle to his back, and now the roles have changed.

“I didn’t know how… I didn’t want you to hate me” My voice cracks a bit as I whisper between my sniffs.

“I could never hate you Kyun-ah, you’re special to me and you know that!”

His words make my heart flutter but I know he’s only saying them to comfort me. Even if I am special to him, it’s not in the same way he is special to me.

“It hurts, hyung”

“What can I do to make it better Kyu, ha?”

Make it better? The only thing that will make it better is by loving me back. I don’t think I can ever heal if you’re not by my side.

I slowly shift my body so I’m lying on my back. His orbs grow in size when he looks at my face, probably noticing my puffy eyes. He then supports his body on his elbow and lets his hand caress my cheek.

“You can’t do anything hyung because you don’t love me back” I honestly admit even if it hurts to say it out loud. I can see guilt written all over his face and I can’t handle it so I avert my gaze to the other side.

His fingers are still lovingly caressing my cheek and I can’t help but flutter my eyes close as I lean into his touch.

“But I think I can… one day”

I snap my head to look at him again and I find him smiling at me. Is he joking with me? Does he pity me?

“Don’t hyung. It’s okay, I’ll handle myself”

I can feel his body tensing as he shifts his gaze away for a second. However, when he looks back at me, his eyes are full of determination as he intently stares at me.

“I’m serious. I-I like you, Kyu. Maybe not love” My heart breaks again with that and my eyes start b with tears again

“Yet” He adds and I can see a tint of hope in his dark orbs.

“There’s something different about you Kyu… something that is always pulling me towards you. I didn’t know what it was at first, but then when you kissed me earlier… I just realized that my heart does waver for you”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now. Does Siwon like me? Is he saying that he will give me a chance?

“One thing I regret though”

I questionably narrow my eyes at him, earning me one of his dimpled smiles that I worship, but then gasp when I feel him leaning down on my face, his lips reaching for mine and he kisses me.

My heart is about to explode when I can taste him again. However when I don’t kiss back, he pulls away and confusedly frowns at me.

For the first time that day, my face breaks into a smile. I shyly wrap my arms around his neck, keeping him in position close to my face as I whisper “Pay back”

He widely smiles before I pull him down and capture his lips. The feeling of kissing him and being kissed back is so overwhelming that I feel like flying.

His tongue gently probes my lips, slipping inside so smoothly before roaming my cavern. I feel embarrassed by the sudden moan that escapes my throat but I can’t help it. Choi Siwon is a great kisser!

...

When we pull away, he lets his forehead rests on mine as we regulate out breaths. My heart skips a beat when I open my eyes and catch him looking at me. I know a blush must be decorating my face right now, but I don’t mind.

“Will you give me a chance?”

I can’t believe he’s asking me such thing. The guy I’ve been helplessly head over heels with is asking me to give him a chance when I’m the one who’s supposed to do so.

“Hyung”

“Hm?”

“Will you give me a chance to make you love me back?”

I nervously bite on my lower lip, waiting for his answer.

“I would love to”

I can’t stop myself from pulling him into another passionate kiss. Looks like I’m already becoming addicted to his kisses.

...

“So sneaking into my bed, ha?”

He teasingly exclaims making me blush even more. I let go of him and he lies back on bed, both on our sides facing each other.

“I’ve actually done it a few times before. I just never got caught”

I giggle as his eyebrows reach the hairline from his surprise.

“How many are those few times?”

“Hmmm… a month?”

“A MONTH?”

I nod at my dorky Siwonnie… I just love every little thing about him.

“You’re a heavy sleeper, you know”

I get a playful pinch on my nose for my comment which I respond to by snuggling closer to him.

“I can’t believe you’ve been sleeping by my side for a month. No wonder I feel cold in the morning”

“Siwon… I love you”

I know he can’t say it back just yet so to not put him in an awkward situation, I claim his lips once again and when we break apart, I whisper against his mouth “I’ll wait”

...

Two Months Later

“Hyuuung! Stop teasing! Give it to me!”

I can’t believe he would do this to me. It’s a picture of me sleeping peacefully while snuggling to his back – yes I still do that, I’m an addict remember? – and where I have this foolish grin on my face and a little drool in the corner of my mouth.

“No. I like it, so I’m gonna keep it” I keep trying to snatch it away but he’s taller than me and so I can’t reach it as he’s holding it up in the air.

“Siwoooon, if the others see it, I’m gonna be doomed!”

I whine and try to put on my best puppy look that’s so far managed to make him give in to me, but apparently it’s not working this time.

He walks away from me, pulling out his wallet and hiding the picture inside while peeking over his shoulder so I won’t steal it.

I cross my arms over my chest as I childishly stomp my foot on the floor. He then turns around and walks back to me, standing in front of me while pouting his lips as well.

“You don’t love me! If you do, you wouldn’t keep that picture”

I don’t know what I said wrong, but I can feel his body stiffen and his face expression suddenly turns serious. I try to repeat my statement in my head, and when I did, I nervously unlock my arms and step closer to Siwon.

“Forget what I said, hyung”

In the past two months, I tried my best not to use that word in front of him. I didn’t want to pressure him so I did my best in sustaining myself from confessing to him how much love I have for him.

Now that it spilled out, I can’t help but wonder if he doesn’t at least have a bit of love feelings toward me. Wasn’t I able to make him fall in love with me? Wasn’t I good enough to make him return my feelings?

“I do”

I hear him whisper and my heart starts beating fast. Is he saying what I think he is? But he didn’t say the exact words.

As if he can read my mind, he engulfs me with his arms, bringing our forehead together before he sweetly says “I love you”

I seriously can’t explain what’s happening to me right now. Siwon loves me? He…

“You love me?”

There are tears in my eyes, but this time they are from happiness. I never thought Siwon telling me these words would mean so much, but they do!

“I love you… I love you… I love you” With each, he plants a butterfly kiss on my face.

I suddenly jump up, wrapping my arms around his neck, and straddling his lap. Luckily, he caught me or else we would’ve both falling down.

“Now you can say it. I know you’ve being trying not to”

I love how this guy knows me too well!

“I love you, Siwon. I love you so much!”

My heart can finally feel at ease now. I mean Siwon has been treating me so good ever since he gave me a chance, but I was always afraid he might regret it later on.

But he loves me! Choi Siwon, my one and true love… freaking loves me!

He can sense the over joy on my face since my smile is very wide. He laughs at me but I don’t mind. I just want to enjoy this moment.

“You don’t want the picture anymore?”

“No. Keep it!”

What picture now? Choi Siwon loves me! I don’t care about anything else! I lean down and claim his lips in the most passionate, ravishing kiss that when we pull away we’re both breathless. Well, we need to treasure this moment.

“Siwon… I love you”

“I love you too, babykyu”

Aaaah it feels so good to say it and hear it back.

-end-