There is a reason.

There is a reason that I won’t move, that I seem to be stuck in this one moment in time, this one place in my house. It’s not because I’m paralyzed, or that I’ve given up on life. I am not suicidal- although everyone seems to think I am. I have one reason. It’s nothing too simple, nor is it extraordinarily complicated.

My reason is you.

You have always been my reason to live, to breathe, to greet the morning sun and to say goodnight to the moon that works so hard. You were the one I viewed the stars with and found the clouds that made us both laugh; you were the one I saw my future with.

You made my time move, and in the same manner you gave it to me, you made my time freeze.

Everyone now thinks I’m stupid and insane, Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are constantly coming over and forcing food into my mouth. They tell me it’s my favorite foods, but it all tastes like dirt and ash. Have I ever told you how much I enjoy laughing with you in the early morning hours? Or how your smile is all I need to make it through a lousy day? Have I ever told you how there isn’t a word in any language a human could speak that would be able to clarify the depth of my feelings? Or that I just let you think that you were the romantic one?

I can still remember the day you came home early to celebrate my birthday, but everything you planned went awry.  I have never told you, Chayeol, but that was my favorite moment, my best birthday even. It’s funny, isn’t it? That the one day where anyone would expect something cute and romantic, I didn’t get all of that- but I felt like I won all the same. The way your blonde curls fell over your eyes as you tried to hide your disappointment and how the roses ended up in an emptied spaghetti sauce jar, the entire day was more than perfect for me.

I still have that spaghetti jar sitting in its spot, the roses wilted long ago, but the jar sits there on my nightstand, the empty opening yearning for a new plant. A plant it will not receive, not until you walk through that door again. It can’t, I won’t allow anything else to infiltrate the space that belongs to our precious memories.

Memories.

Is that all we are now, Chanyeol?

Kyungsoo and Baekhyun keep telling me that it is time to move on, that you will never be coming back. But, that’s not true- right? I just need to bide my time until you do. Although, my hair has grown a bit since I saw you last, and my clothes seem to be getting too big. When you come home Chanyeol, we should go shopping. I’ve always hated shopping, unless I was with you. You made something that was mundane into an exciting adventure.

Although, Chanyeol, this time- let’s avoid that Gucci store, okay? You and I both know that we can’t afford any of that stuff on our nickel-and-dime budget. The sale’s woman’s reaction when you told her the price was too much was funny though. Do you remember it, Yeol? The way her eyes creased and her lips pursed, only she looked like she was in pain, rather than angry.

Chanyeol, do you know how long it has been since I saw you last? Kyungsoo said it’s been more than a year now. But that’s not right; it can’t be, can it? You just went on that business trip yesterday! You said you’ll be spending two nights and three days, and then you’ll bring me home some roses. Our jar is waiting for them, so Kyungsoo must be wrong. I’m tired of seeing these two all the time, Chanyeol; when will it just be you and me again? When will your stupid smile light up the room again? When can I hug you and tell you not to leave me ever again? Why did you agree to this stupid trip to Thailand anyway?

That’s not the point though, is it? The point is that, I love you Chanyeol. I may have pushed you away for the first month I knew of your existence, but if these last four years have shown you anything, I pray it is that I love you, that you are my everything, and even if one day I lose my temper and tell you otherwise- I will love you even then.

“Sehun, I’m back. Have you eaten anything since Kyungsoo was here this morning?” Baekhyun’s light voice broke through my thoughts and I couldn’t help but stare at him, “Sehun?”

“Baekhyun, when is Chanyeol coming back?” I heard my voice crack; didn’t Chanyeol know how much this trip would hurt me? “I miss him, Baek.”

Baekhyun looked like he was panicking, but he still sat down on the edge of my bed, one of his hands resting on my arm, “Sehun, why do we have to go over this again?” I can feel my head shaking of its own accord, answering a question that I don’t understand myself, “You know, Sehun. You know the reasons, you know! You have to face reality sometime.” My eyes were fixed on the sheets, but I could feel the mixture of emotions radiating off of my friend- sadness, anger, confusion, he was a myriad of the worst emotions. Emotions that my body was all too familiar with as tears began to cloud my vision.

“Reality scares me.” The sentence was no more than a whisper, and the voice sounded so foreign that I didn’t recognize it as my own until Baekhyun had pulled me into a hug. “What is reality, Baekhyun?” I asked, the tears burning wet trails down my cheeks as I heard a sniffle from my friend.

“This is the reality you have to face, Sehun. Chanyeol’s body was never recovered after the crash. They said it may never be found. It’s been nearly a year and a half, and it would kill Chanyeol to see you like this. It’s time for you to move on, Sehunnie; we are all here for you.” Baekhyun’s tone was hushed, but I could hear the wavering in his voice. I didn’t want to accept it, but I knew it was true. Fate can be so cruel sometimes, no?

Pushing myself away from Baekhyun, I faced him once again, “Reality is really scary, Baekhyun.” I reminded him, “I promise I’ll eat later, okay?” It was an empty promise, but one that seemed to pacify my friend. As we said our goodbyes, I watched him walk away before standing up from the bed.

Reality is really scary, but I know a place that would be more welcoming right now.

A/N:

Was not expecting to write a SeYeol fic, but okay! I just let the words take me wheree'er they please. XD

Thanks for reading, commenting, subscribing, upvoting as you so choose- but more importantly, thank you for being you! <3

~Ling<3