Hoping

"Hi."

"Hello."

"How are you?"

"Me? I'm fine. Would you like to come in?"

"Can I?"

"Sure, the weather's cold tonight. Let me fetch you some tea."

~+~

Jessica loves to run and when she couldn't do it well, or lacked the stamina to be fully capable of it, she finds that her love for it dies a little. Every time she ties her shoelaces in intricate knots on her faded track shoes, TaeYeon would stand in the doorway and snicker a little, tell Jessica she would last no more than two laps around the park before collapsing into the fountain, but still whisper in Jessica's ear to tell her to be careful; don't trip on your shoelaces. don't stop running if someone is behind you. don't stop at the shelter at the park. avoid the neighbour's dog. be careful.

Jessica will come back and proudly claim (while panting and looking so red it was impossible not to stare) that she had indeed done four laps around the park. And then that look would fall when TaeYeon would tell her that the last time YuRi ran, she did six laps and HyoYeon, seven.

"Horrible. You're a horrible person," Jessica would tell her.

"I'm honest," TaeYeon would reply while folding the laundry, sitting cross-legged in the living room. "But I admired your effort, I must admit."

Jessica would be tight-lipped in the bedroom and wouldn't face her even when TaeYeon told her to wash her feet because they stank the blankets, until TaeYeon kisses her forehead and rubs behind her ears and tell her that TaeYeon wouldn't want anyone else; not YuRi, not HyoYeon, not anybody.

~+~

Dinner is a disaster. The noodles are bloated and overcooked, the soup too bland and oily, and the candle had burnt almost three-quarters down by the time Jessica arrived back from work, smelling like sweat, papers and the air-freshener in their car. The dinner is horrible and TaeYeon apologises profusely because she had been careless with the pasta, and demoralised by the time she was cooking the soup. Jessica forgives her with a grin and whispers something in TaeYeon's ear that makes her cheeks flush in embarrassment, feeling utterly scandalised and no longer bothered about the failure in her culinary skills.

The night deepens when Jessica pushes TaeYeon back to bed, fills up the gaps between TaeYeon's fingers and lips, and fills everything else entirely.

~+~

"I need space."

"I'm giving you space."

"That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

"I need space. Emotional space. Too much of affection smothers me."

"Jessica, I--"

Jessica leaves.

~+~

"Who's th--Jessica?"

"Hey, TaeYeon."

"It's three. Twenty. It's three twenty in the morning."

"It's worthwhile. I promise."

TaeYeon's heart throbs. "You hurt me."

"I know. I'm sorry. I can't help it."

"It's cold outside. Come in."

Jessica enters TaeYeon's life again.

~+~

"Why'd you keep on disappearing?" TaeYeon yawns drowsily into Jessica's shoulder, the length of Jessica's arm curved behind TaeYeon's back, index finger probing at the vertebras of TaeYeon's spine.

TaeYeon feels Jessica lift her shoulders in a shrug. "It's just me."

~+~

Carefully, gradually, step by step; Jessica expected TaeYeon to love her again like that, after she returned shamelessly and bluntly, feeling guilty and cold at the same time, but feeling sorry for TaeYeon most of all.

How could TaeYeon learn to love a coward who can't deal with commitment?

How could she. Yes, how could she.

TaeYeon accepted her again, talking to her as she would, kissing her like she would, not even faltering when Jessica apologises. TaeYeon gives her love too easily, and Jessica feels undeserving and sorry for taking all of it without a promise that she'd stay the next time it might happen again.

~+~

"Tae..."

"Hmm?"

"What do you think is wrong with me?"

"What do you think is wrong with you?"

"What is wrong with you, TaeYeon?"

"What is wrong with me?"

"You love too sincerely, too generously. You love me too much."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Yes."

~+~

After their holiday together, Jessica's been more distant. She avoids texting when she can, barely picks up calls, kisses her with scarcity and without need or any emotion at all. TaeYeon's been reading all these signs, knows the telltales of what will happen next. She prays not, but who knows with Jessica?

~+~

"I feel suffocated. I just need some time off."

"Like...a break?"

"Yes, a break. When I sort it all out, I'll come back."

"And if you don't?"

"I don't know yet."

Jessica leaves. TaeYeon has never been any more afraid of the unknown.

~+~

TaeYeon fluffs up both pillows instead of hers, serves two plates instead of one, makes tea for two when it rains, warms two servings of milk and prepares for the next time Jessica might come back.

She wished she would be a little less understanding, a little less loving, a little less forgiving. She wished for courage to turn away love at her door and to tell Jessica that she couldn't live with this, couldn't keep on waiting forever, even if forever is just a few weeks. She isn't some toy, isn't some game that Jessica could leave and then come back as she liked.

She wished she could stop loving Jessica too much. She wished she could stop loving Jessica at all. Not even a little.

Oh, she wished, she wished.

~+~

All these wishes come to stop when a downpour causes a flashflood in the central area, as TaeYeon heard in the news, and a knock on the door nearly causes her to spill the tea she had been pouring. She opens the door slowly, afraid and somehow happy.

"TaeYeon?"

"Jessica?"

"I came back."

"It's been three weeks."

"I came back."

"I know. Come in."

Jessica comes back. TaeYeon kisses her so hard at the door Jessica swears she tasted TaeYeon's breath as well.

And oh, god, she feels so, so sorry.

~+~

"I'm sorry it's like this."

"It's okay, Sica. Just put the vegetables here and that'd be fine."

A rustle of plastic. An unheard twisting of lips.

"No, you don't get me. I'm,"--she in a breath--"sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I mean, you could find anyone, anyone who wouldn't leave you hanging and waiting. I'm sorry you have to love someone like this. I'm sorry it's like this. I'm sorry I'm like this."

"It's okay, Sica. Here, go and rinse then dice the onions."

But the tears that drip down Jessica's chin aren't because of the dratted onions stinging her eyes.

How could someone love Jessica so goddamn much?

~+~

Jessica is careful with TaeYeon, handling her with such care. To Jessica, TaeYeon's bones are glass and her heart is some fragile material that would shatter completely very easily. But TaeYeon thinks that her heart is raw rubber, because it had been stretched to its maximum when Jessica left, and yet it works and still loves Jessica.

TaeYeon's hands are fluttering wings over Jessica's skin and muffled moans, kissing every regret she had into Jessica's mouth. That night, Jessica felt TaeYeon's heart.

And it felt so painful that Jessica cried.

~+~

 But sometimes, Jessica would forget that TaeYeon is fragile to her.

"TaeYeon. This isn't working out for me."

"Is it not? Why not?"

"I--I don't know. It just isn't. This is it?"

"Then what is it?"

"I don't know yet."

"Are you going?"

"Yes, I'm leaving."

"Where are you going?"

 "Out."

Jessica leaves. TaeYeon feels weak.

~+~

TaeYeon takes it back; Jessica is so damn good at running.

~+~

"Leave her. Just leave her."

 Her friends are infuriated. TaeYeon is giving everything away, gambling with all the stakes on the table. All cards shown. She is very exposed and vulnerable.

And yet Jessica took advantage of her love like this.

The brown surface of the coffee in the cups ripple when her friends slam their fists onto the table, drag the chair back to stand and demand to meet Jessica. TaeYeon says nothing, but it's impossible not to notice when TaeYeon looks half-dead recently, and very afraid.

"She doesn't deserve you. She's blind and stupid."

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Tae?"

"Just leave her and find someone better."

They say things like these and she doesn't say anything, smiling a thin line of a smile and hollow eyes that do not understand what her friends are saying.

Her friends feel hopeless and helpless. TaeYeon loves Jessica too much to turn away from her.

~+~

"TaeYeon."

"Oh, Jessica. Come in."

TaeYeon hugs her at the door. Jessica wonders what's wrong with her.

~+~

"I think it's a medical condition."

"What is?"

"My feelings for you."

"Why?"

"I can't pronounce nor explain it."

~+~

"You should just go find someone else, someone better, TaeYeon."

"Why?"

Jessica is crying at the foot of the couch. "What do you mean why? Why? Because--"

Jessica breaks down crying and TaeYeon hushes her when she weeps too loud for the thin walls of her apartment to bear, kissing her hair, ignoring the sobbed reasons because whatever, whatever, she'll love Jessica anyway. Finding someone else isn't an option.

~+~

"Why are you so good to me?"

"Because I love you."

"No, no you don't."

"Why? Don't you?"

"I love you too, but--"

"That's okay. If I love you and you love me too, I love every single thing about you that you hate."

"TaeYeon. You love me too much."

~+~

"I'm leaving."

"Where?"

"Away."

"Why?"

And this time Jessica has no reason. "Because."

"Because?"

"Just let me go."

Jessica runs out, half crying. TaeYeon shuts the door.

~+~

It's raining.

"Hi."

"Hello."

"How are you?"

"Me? I'm fine. Would you like to come in?"

"Can I?"

"Sure, the weather's cold tonight. Let me fetch you some tea."

"Listen. TaeYeon. I love you."

"Warm your heart by me. Come in."

—ジュリエット