- you changed Chan...

- how many times will you say it before you have enough?

- as many times as it'll be needed for you to open your eyes. This behavious, this way of talking, its not you

- really, then who is it ? The neighbour?

- see ? You would never have talked to me like this before...

- before is before?

- Mmh...

- if you're not happy, leave me... aish , you're getting on my nerves

Chansung stood, muttering, and left the room. It was like that since his return and he began seriously getting tired. Yes he had changed, he knew it. And then? Was it a reason to tell him all day long? Was it his fault anyway? Also no. It was not as if he was deliberately behaving like this. Things were what they were and unless Taec accept it or else it would be the end of their relationship. Chansung sighed and went into the garage. Few seconds he looked at the big bag that was placed in a corner of the room. His sack of the army. He approached it slowly, almost hesitantly. He had not opened it since his return two months earlier while yet, he was dying of envy to do it. He slowly openedit and pulled out a briefcase then laid it on a table. He ran his fingers gently on the case, his eyes sparkling. He sat down and finally opened the briefcase.

- hi there...

He smiled and took the revolver in his hand. He traced the outline with his finger before disassembling it carefully. He cleaned, it concentrated, and did not notice that Taec had followed him. The eldest was leaning against the wall and rubbed his temples. He didnt recognize his companion anymore. But what bothered him wasnt his coldness or his almost disrespectful way to speak, as if he didnt care about anything. No, what bothered him was his eyes. That terrifying gaze, a gaze of a killer. Whereas before ... before Chansung had tender and laughing eyes. Before he smiled all the time ... Before he still showed Taec that he loved him...

- Channie ?

- Mmh ?

- its 3am...

- so what?

- so, you think its the good time to clean your gun ?

- there's no precise time to be meticulous

- its not like you would use it again

- who knows?

- Channie... you're done with the army now... your military service is over

- I know Taec, Im not stupid

- then what are you doing?

- nothing, go to bed, I'll join you later

- mmh...

Taecyeon gave up and went to bed. He didnt want to argue at this time of the night. But all he wanted was to understand. Understand what happened during these two years of military service for Chan to change that radically. He still loved his cadet of course, but he would like to get the old Chansung. But as time passed and he felt that it was impossible. He waited for his companion for an hour before falling asleep, still alone in the bed.

When he awoke a few hours later, he was still alone. He sighed deeply and stood up. Sometimes he felt that Chan never really returned from the army. As if his presence was an illusion of his mind. He stretched and walked slowly towards the kitchen, but stopped once in the lounge. His cadet was there, asleep on the couch. Why didnt he join in the bed? Maybe he was still angry. Or he didnt want to wake himup, simply. In any case, Taec silently sat down next to the couch and gently threw his hand in his cadet's hair. Moments where he slept were the only ones where the elder seemed to really find back his lover. The face relaxed, almost smiling, gentle and calm. That was the man he had fallen in love for. While when he looked at Chan the rest of the time, he had almost the feeling of being in front of a stranger. He tenderly kissed his forehead and had the vain hope that he would receive a smile or a pat on the cheek, as before ... But of course all he received was that a grunt of protest while Chansung the couch, showing clearly that he wanted to continue to sleep peacefully. Taec sighed heart-rending and stood up. He couldnt bear it forever, he knew it. He waited patiently for the return of his, for two long years. But the man on his couch ... He shook his head and went into the kitchen to make coffee. He really needed it. He also needed holidays ... and he would have liked to go alone with the youngest. But he would certainly refuse. Certainly saying something like "it might be time for you to grow up a bit, we aint kids anymore." not kids, huh? He knew it very well ... But that was had always made him melt for his companion. His childish side ... this part of him that had died during his military service. He sighed again and drank his coffee, looking out. Another depressing day on the horizon. But maybe as time for him to accept it. He had to stop living in his memories like that. It was perhaps him the problem after all. Chan had changed, of course, but it was still Chan, the man he loved. And he must accept him as he was. But it was much easier said than done unfortunately.

- 'morning...

- oh, good morning Channie... did I woke you up?

- yeah but its okay

Not a word. Not a glance. As usual ... Taecyeon leaned against the wall and looked at him move in slow motion in the kitchen to prepare breakfast. He was almost never a good mood in the morning and if he rushed him, he knew that it would be worse, for the duration of the day. That's why he hesitated a bit before finally starting to talk.

- hey babe

- mmh ?

- what about going out today?

- to go where?

- I dont know, just to saunter, like this...

- I dont see the interest in going out if we dont know where to go

- choose then...

- I dont know... and why are you asking me this so early in the morning ? Plus, I have an headhache...

- okay okay... take your time and tell me later

- mkay...

He finished to eat and then went into the bathroom slowly. Since when he needed a reason to go out? What it cost him to spend just a moment together? Taecyeon ran his hand through his hair and looked at the door of the bathroom. Chansung was there, but still, he missed him terribly. Even more than when he was in the army. It was a really stuffy feeling. Once again, he took his courage in both hands and walked into the bathroom. Before, they slept together, showered together, made couple activities... Now ... He had the impression of having a roommate more than a boyfriend. He was about to talk when his eyes met those of his cadet, cutting short his thoughts.

- what do you want?

- I need to shower too

- cant you wait?

Taecyeon bit his lip. Okay, that hurts a lot. But he didnt want to piss him off even more so he said nothing. But he acted. He undressed, ignoring his gaze and stepped into the shower. He grabbed the shower gel and began to wash himself as if nothing happened. But he could clearly feel Chan boil next to him. And to be honest, it started to seriously made him angry too. He rinsed before turning abruptly and pinned his cadet against the shower wall, taking him by surprise.

- what the hell are you doing?!

- Im fed up Chan !

- of what?

- of you, of us, of everything ! Its getting on my nerves!

- I think I already told you, if you wanna leave me, just do it

- it looks like you're waiting for me to do it... if you dont love me anymore, dont stay... but dont treat me this way... I waited for you during those two years. Everyday I thought about you, I never stopped loving you. And when you finally come back home what do you do ? You treat me like if I was nothing... as if... you didnt give a about our story... if you dont love me anymore... if you forgot about me, I could understand... but at least say it, dont act like this...

Chansung said nothing. Not a word. Taecyeon was walking out of the shower, he had had enough, he understood the message, but his cadet held him lightly by the wrist. Taec sighed softly and turned his head, biting his lip. He wasnt sure to be ready to hear the truth from Chan's mouth, although he already knew it. But what he saw ... shook him. The two eyes that was staring at him... they were no longer filled with anger or insurance. No. It was the eyes ... of the Chansung he loved. Eyes in which tears crowded.

- Channie...

- I still love you, idiot...

- really?...

There was still doubt in his mind. As if ... as if he felt that the new Chan struggled to resurface. To bring back his cold mask. Nevertheless, he embraced him, enjoying the moment of weakness of his cadet. He smiled a little when he wrapped his arms around his neck, and kissed him with as much affection as he would have done before. Yes, Chan still loved him. But why? Why was he so cold and distant towards him? He decided he would think later about it. For now, he just wanted to enjoy those lips and the tenderness he needed so badly. He pressed more the youngest to him while deepening the kiss. This warm body against his, those soft lips, those caressing hands ... he really missed it to an unimaginable degree.

The kiss lasted until Chansung ended it then slowly burride his face in the neck of elder. Taec tenderly caressed his lower back, placing soft kisses on his shoulder.

- Im sorry Taec...

- its okay but... you really dont wanna tell me what happened?...

He felt Chan tense against him and grip his hair slightly when the memories rose to the surface. The younger shook his head a little, indicating that it had nothing to say. But Taec wanted to know. He could possibly not help but speak relieve weight already, he knew it. He continued to caress the skin of his younger, trying to make him relax. Chansung sighed, pressing more against the body of his lover.

- tell me...

- I cant... I tried... but the words dont wanna come out... its pissing me off... again and again...

- mmh...

The cadet leaned back and kissed his cheek before anchoring his eyes into his. The mask of coldness was back, but weakened, it was better than nothing. Even if it made Taecyeon worried anyway. What if Chan dropped his barriers, but found himself in a bottomless pit of depression? He didnt want that. He felt that something had been broken into Chansung. He just hoped that the youngest would handle it.

- I know... that I hurt you all the time... and Im sorry... give me some time... I'll do efforts... but I know I'll stil hurt you sometimes.. so if you wanna leave, I'll understand...

- dont talk nonsense Channie... I'll stay... even if it hurts, I dont care...

- okay...

Chansung kissed his lover's cheek before slowly walk out of the shower. He dried himself under the eyes as always worried of his senior. He then went into the bedroom and got dressed before lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He too didnt want to be like that, but he really didnt do it on purpose. He tried not to think about it but he couldnt forget what had happened during his service. And he would surely never forget it elsewhere. He just hoped that he would not lose the love of his life. It would too much. He wouldnt bear to be broken again.

The following days, Chansung tried to think twice before saying something to Taec, trying to force himself to not be cold and nasty with him. But of course, it still happened sometimes. He had trouble controlling the conflicting emotions which invaded. He felt his mental strength reach its limit, but he didnt know what to do. He just wanted to forget everything. To be like before, when life still seemed nice and when he was happy. But he knew that was impossible.

He was coming back from the supermarket when a familiar sound reached him. Gunshots. He froze instantly on the spot, almost letting drop his shopping bags. He looked around at the lookout before realizing where he was. Home. Everything was going well. He shook his head and sighed deeply, then put the shopping bags in the kitchen. He then went into the living room, where the sound of gunfire reached him forever. Taecyeon was lying lazily on the couch, watching a war reportage. Chansung didnt look at the screen, he didnt have the courage to. But he went to his eldest, took the remote in his hand and quickly changed the channel. Taec looked at him, surprised.

- whats wrong?

- can I know what the hell you're doing ? You think its fun to see someone kill another one?

- of course no... I was just curious...

- curious ? Are you kidding me?

- no... you know I couldnt do my military service... so I cant know how you feel...

- thats right, you cant, or else you wouldnt watch like this!

- Channie... dont get mad...

- you tell me to dont get mad ?! You know well that the war marked me and what do you do ?! You make me live it again in our ing house !

- it wasnt my intention, Im sorry...

- sorry ? Yeah, you can be!

He angrily threw the remote against the wall and walked with a firm step towards the garage. Taecyeon sighed, running his hand through his hair. Okay, he had made ​​a mistake. He hadnt expected Chan to react like that. He had hoped that maybe it would help him to finally say what was in his heart. He hesitated a long time before deciding to join his lover in the garage. He slowly opened the door and stood on the threshold. Chansung was sitting in a corner of the room, staring at a picture. Silent tears streaming down his tears. Taec bit his lip, full of remorse. He had been selfish. He forced things too much. He hesitantly walked closer then knelt in front of his man and gently caressed his hair. He then laid eyes on the famous photo. Chansung was there, with a young soldier who probably had the same age as him.

- it is a friend of you?

- it... was...

- he is... Im sorry...

Chansung just tightened his fingers on the photo and let his head fall back, eyes closed. Neither moved for several minutes. Chan because he was immersed in his memories and Taec because he dared not pulled him out of it. Then finally the youngest opened his eyes and looked at his lover. And the look the elder received broke his heart instantly. He could read so much suffering in the eyes of his man. Is was almost unbearable. He hastened to take him in his arms and held him against his chest, gently his back for him to know that all was well and truly over.

- you... really wanna know?...

- yes... but dont force yourself for me... I can wait...

- no... I think... its time to say it...

- as you wish... Im listening then...

Chansung nodded, snuggling further against Taec's warm and reassuring torso. He closed his eyes again, grabbing a little Taec's t-shirt then began his story, his voice trembling with emotion.

- during the exercices, we learned that the compassion would be useless during the war... that only our weapons and autority could help to fix the problem... but...

- but you disagree, right?...

- right... you know how I was... always trying to be optimistic...

- nae...

- we managed to enter in the ennemy' territory... we were supposed to kill everybody on our way without looking who we were shooting... there were civilians but we must not sort...

- its horrible...

- thats what I thought too... but orders are orders... and it was the war... we had to save our ow lives too...

- so... you did what they told you?...

- at first yes... and then... with Jung, we found an isolated house...

- Jung ? Your friend?

- yes... in the house, there a family of civilians... refugees... they were far from the fighs, we didnt have any reason to kill them... so we didnt... but its at this moment that I realize I was wrong all the way...

- what are you talking about?...

- I thought the chiefs of the army were wrong... that a slaughter wouldnt fix anything... that we had to help civilians... that show us our support would be the best...

- but things didnt come the way you thought?...

- no... we decided to defend this family no matter what... that at least us, we would do a good thing in the middle of this stupid war... but... they betrayed us...

- wh-what ? But why ?! You only wanted to help them !

- you are as naive as I was, Taec...

- mmh... so what did they do?...

- during our night watch... they... grassed us to the ennemies...

- its total nonsense...

- I know... but they didnt care about our help or our kindness... they only wanted to survive and they knew that two simple soldiers wouldnt be able to last long... while if they betrayed us, they were sure to have the help of the ennemies...

- and... its how Jung...

- yes... a bullet... in the head... he was protecting me... after that... we'd been rapatriated... I wanted to go back home... I wanted... to be with you... far from all this...

- but they didnt let you...

- exactly... our mission wasnt over... but I knew I couldnt do it without Jung... I couldnt continue...

- so you changed...

- I knew that... I wouldnt survive if I stayed the way I was...

- now I understand... Im sorry Channie...

- why are you apologizing?...

- for all the reproaches I did to you while I didnt know anything... and I could never have imagine all that...

- its not your fault...

- but you know... now you're back home... here your kindness and you love have the right to exist...

- i'll try...

- okay...

They looked at each other and Taec smiled at the sight of Chan's one. It certainly looked a little lost, but it was the eyes of a child. The gaze of the man he loved. He pressed him harder against himself and kissed his forehead.

- I love you Channie...

- I love you too babe...

- lets find back our past happiness, okay ?

- Promise...

- and you wont act like a psycho anymore and go clean your gun at 3am?

- Beuh... I cant help it, I like it, Im attached to it...

- aish, this kid and his weird ideas...

They laughed together and kissed tenderly, lovingly, like before...