The Name That I Loved

Lucifer's Butterfly

After the disaster of a practice, all the members had retired for the night. They could have gone straight back to the dorm, but Onew thought it would be best to rest a little before the long drive.  Now, while everyone else was tucked in for the night inside their bedrooms, the eldest member of the house roamed the halls in unrest. He walked into a random study and scanned the room. It was dark, but moonlight beamed through the large round topped windows. Occasionally, gray clouds floated by to obscure the light and mold shadows inside the room.

The guy positioned himself in front of the window and stared out at the various shades of dark that made up the landscape. He looked down at his Ipod and switched the song. After a minute of listening to it, he switched to another song. He almost skipped it again, "it" being his own song. Honestly, sometimes he just wanted to take a break from all things related to SHINee.

This time though, he hesitated. He easily recognized the beginning piano sequence. It was a nice slow song, but it was only the instrumental so it didn’t interrupt his thoughts. Instead, it only enriched them. The track almost reached its end before the batteries of his mp3 player gave out.

For a few silent seconds, he just stood there, staring at the cloudy sky. Then, he began to sing the lyrics to the instrumental that he had just listened to.

“My hands became cold as the memories of love coldly drew near.”

If someone had watched Onew, they’d actually see the slight shivers in his fingers.

“No matter how close we are,” ‘Were we ever close…,’ he dully thought. “I know that I can’t love you anymore.”

He stuffed his hands into his pockets.

“I can’t miss you,” ‘I shouldn’t miss you.’
“Waiting for you, makes me tired.
I can’t endure anymore and I can’t realize this.” ‘I want to keep enduring…hoping…’

Alone, he sang the part that was meant to be a duet.

“The name I loved once in this life has become further and further away.
I am writing your name on a paper and forever keeping it in my heart.
From that day on, I realized that I will only love you forever.”

Before Onew could finish the last line of the verse, he heard a sad, sweet,

“Love that can’t be together can also be known as love,” from the door.

The leader turned around, surprised to find Jonghyun in the doorway. The blonde male walked over to the lightly dusted grand piano in the corner of the room and seated himself silently. For a few extended seconds, the two just sat without sound before Jonghyun took his fingers to the keys.

Onew continued, Jonghyun not knowing all the words well enough.
“I can’t handle the memories of love and feelings alone.
I can’t start this. I can only miss you secretly in my heart.
My heart only left your body fragrance that I missed and always loved.”

Again, Onew sang the duet alone.
“The name I loved once in this life has become further and further away.
I am writing your name on a paper and forever keeping it in my heart.
From that day on, I realized that I will only love you forever.
Love that can’t be together can also be known as love.”

Jonghyun whispered,
“Thousands of times remembering the first time our eyes met…”

And Onew belted out with sad eyes towards the sky,
“And stolen an edge of my heart without noticing.”

Together, the two vocalists sang,
“The name I loved once in this life has become further and further away” ‘Come back to us.’ ‘Please, don’t leave.’
“I am writing your name on a paper and forever keeping it in my heart.” ‘No matter what, I won’t…can’t forget you.’ ‘You’ve burned a place in my heart.’
“From that day on, I realized that I will only love you forever.” ‘I can’t see it any other way’
“Love that can’t be together can also be known as Love.” ‘Can’t be together…’ ‘But…I really wish we could be together.’


“Yeah?” The younger man said as he stared down at the ivory keys.

“I don’t think I can sing this song without crying and the support of you guys,” admitted Onew.

“Then don’t sing it until you’re ready.”

His hyung nodded.

“So…not to sound lame or anything but…,” Jonghyun didn’t look at the leader, “Are we going to…is this going to be a love that can’t be together?” ‘Are we giving up?’

“This might just end up being that kind of love.”

“Damn…I wish you told me that I could continue acting blind and stupidly hoping.”

The blonde stood up and walked over to the man by the window. Swinging an arm over his shoulder, the younger man said, “Come on. Let’s get some sleep. We have to leave in a few hours.”

Jinki paused after shutting the door to the room.

“What’s the matter?” Jonghyun asked the immobile man.

Onew relaxed his form and shook his head. “Nothing.” Jinki reached his room first. “Jonghyun-ah.”

The other man paused in his walking.

The leader advised, “It might end up being that kind of love, but don’t give up hoping yet. Just tone down on the blind and stupid part.”

Jonghyun smiled without any relief or happiness behind it. “Right. Got to keep cool and logical. Good night hyung.”

Back in her room, the girl felt her eyes wet but she quickly rubbed them away before they fell. Some time while they were singing, she had come to stand next to the door, leaning her back against to wall to just listen. Those two, they had voices that could draw any girl in, especially when they sang softer songs. Perhaps they were too immersed into the song to sense her presence, but the lyrics and their voices equally gripped her attention. It was just so…heartfelt.

A few tears did slip her eyes to stain the floor but she quickly wiped at them too. She didn’t understand herself. Tears in that house were those of fear, pain, loneliness, and desperation. But these tears, she couldn’t identify what category they belonged in. There was an emotion there that she couldn’t recognize anymore. It was in the music. The emotion was in the music and, somehow, it had entered her body.

She stuck her earphones into her ears and pressed play to get the emotion out of her. The mp3 player started where she left off. “JoJo” had just ended and shuffle picked “The Name That I Loved” next.


THEA's Corner <3

So the semester is almost over! Time sure flies! TTTT! I have so much work to do. I'm actually supposed to be doing a reserach paper right now. Why is it that I usually write and post chapters when I have big projects due?! Horrible example of a good student! So after this semester I'll be traveling a bit and then going back to the U.S. to do a bit of work before getting back to school. Ugh. A viscious cycle.

So hmm....thanks for the comments! I especially like the long ones ;) Thank you to my new readers that find this story this late in the game. Better late than never. Tell all your friends! It makes me happy ^^

Posted: 13 December 2011


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Chapter 69: I am getting better and, the news was (still is) a big blow to me as I am sure as it's also for everyone who knows him. I (we) can only pray that he is in a better place now. May he rest in peace, pretty sure he is looking after all of us as our guardian angel now. x
fujimotoasuka #2
Chapter 69: make an appreciation story about him(Jonghyun) and bless for the memories as we known him just like when he(Jonghyun) was still alive. R.I.P Jonghyun-ah... I maybe not SHINEE fan but I'm truly sad that I've lost a friend a brother another 90 liner. Thank you, Jonghyun-ah for the memories.
pinkish #3
Chapter 69: Thank you so much for writing this..
193 streak #4
Chapter 69: It still feels surreal and I'm not sure how long I'll feel like this. Looking back, I've realized how much Jonghyun impacted my life. This isn't my first experience with loss, but it still hurts just as much as the other ones, especially knowing the circumstances that Jonghyun was under. But thank you for reaching out to your readers. :)
Chapter 69: Bless this update, I'm very relieved to see you reaching out to everyone. As someone who's had a suicidal friend, it was really terrifying just for me and I wasn't even the suicidal one. I still can't imagine what goes through their heads. I hope he's happier in the afterlife, I hope he has no regrets. For anyone possibly reading this, being suicidal does not make you 'weird' or 'not normal', it's a touchy subject for everyone but there is ALWAYS someone out there willing to listen, to help, to be there for you when you need them. I hope you do not keep to yourself, please just talk to someone for a start.
Chapter 69: Oh my god. I had no idea. Shinee was one of the first k-pop groups I ever got's hard to imagine that one of them is gone. I'm sorry he was suffering so much and no one could help him.
Yonghyunism #7
Chapter 69: #RIPJonghyun
Chapter 69: This is a really big blow for me since Jonghyun holds a special place in my heart as that happy-go-lucky person who readily offers smiles anybody's way. To think that he was going through such a tough time, enough to commit suicide, is something I did not expect. Although as for most cases, it is hard to determine if one may be going through depression or some trouble unless they state so. But still, there is this sort of guilt or nagging feeling which keeps telling me that I should've looked into it more. That maybe if we were to look more in between the lines we could have realized that maybe he was having a tough time... now, all I hope for is that he finds in the afterlife what he failed to find in this world. In that way, rest assured that he is at least happy where is at.
keikok #9
Chapter 68: omg, I finally refound this one! Gosh I am seriously starting to love Key even though I was always a Minho fan. Probably because of how much he helps the girl. But for me, it doesn't feel like he romantically likes her. Honestly the only ones I feel romance from are Taemin and Jonghyun even if I personally ship her with Onew! XD I must have skimmed too much because I feel like I never see Minho at all! Either way, love this story!
imemyself07 #10
Chapter 68: I love this story! Looking forward to more!