When our friends talk about you

all that it does is just tear me down

Cause my heart breaks a little

when I hear your name

“Did you hear about Donghae?”

It is said in passing, without any real power in the question. Spoken like it isn’t important, no motives following it, just a simple question, like asking `do you think it will rain´. Not a lot of thought seems to go behind it, nor a lot of feelings.

Yet for Hyukjae, the words when spoken, are the most important, painful words and his heart stopps beating for that one second where the hurt just gets to great.

He hasn’t heard, his eyes clearly betraying that fact. Whatever it is he won’t know. He has gone through great lengths not to hear anything about the man who left him.

He has made himself fall out of touch with everyone, months going by without friends, without him.
It has been the better choice, to stay away. A lot of their friends mutual. It makes it harder to really break apart.
He thinks it would be easier to give space, to let it all sink in, to dwell on his pain alone, far from everything that could remind him.

Remind him of Donghae.

Don’t they always say that one part always gets the friends in a breakup?

He will gladly let him have them. 

Donghae has found someone new.

Donghae has moved on.

According to Sungmin, Donghae seems happy.

Hyukjae is slowly starting to spend time with his friends again. Months gone by but they feel like years when alone. He smiles again, never a true smile, but will he ever be able to? He hangs out with Shindong, the always cheerful man somewhat making Hyukjae forget his own misery. Sometimes they all hang out together, the old gang, but without Donghae. He’s spending this time with the other man. Hyukjae hasn’t seen him since that last day together.

He hears a lot about him from Sungmin. Even when he doesn’t want to hear he still forces himself to listen whenever the name is spoken. Sungmin likes to talk, Sungmin is Donghae’s best friend. Sungmin is still Hyukjae’s friend too, but in his heart Hyukjae knows he blames him.

Sungmin was the one who helped Donghae find a new flat. He was the one who supported Donghae in silence for half a year as the man was plagued by doubts and insecurities.  After the breakup, he was the one who stayed with him to keep him from snapping and calling Hyukjae in the middle of the nights. He held Donghaes hands as the other broke down, time and time again only to slowly build himself up without Hyukjae. Sungmin was there when a handsome man entered the shop where they both work, and after five minutes asked Donghae out for coffee. Sungmin smiled when Donghae said yes. 

Hyukjae doesn’t know all of this. He just knows the look in Sungmin's eyes telling him it’s your fault.



 

Donghae’s new boyfriend surprised him at their workplace and Sungmin tells Hyukjae about the bouquet of roses he had brought with him.

Hyukjae never questions why Sungmin tells him these things, or why he finds it so important to point out the way Donghae eyes lit up when he saw the different colours of blooming buds, and his smile when he cradled them in his arms. Hyukjae doesn’t question, he simply thinks back over the years, trying to remember giving flowers to his boyfriend.

And his heart breaks a little when he realizes he has never done that.

The day he finds one of Donghae old sweaters is a day wasted. He can’t bring himself to move from the spot on the floor outside his closet. The familiar scent overpowering him as his face is buried in the soft navycolored fabric. He spends hours there crying, salty tears staining his cheeks, violent sobs racking his body.

He wants to throw the piece of clothing away. Far away and forget all about it.

He wants to burn it up in defiance, to show Donghae that he doesn’t care.

He wants to give it back to him, it was one of his favourites.

Eventually after one last intake of Donghae's scent, he puts the sweater back where he found it and closes the door. 

It’s Kyuhyun’s birthday. There is going to be a party. He will be there. The other man will be there.

Hyukjae thinks he should bring a girl. Donghae had never liked the fact that he was biual no matter how hard he had tried to hide it. He had hated the fact that he had to be wary of everyone around his boyfriend, both es a potential object for his jealousy.

Hyukjae should show him that he too has moved on.
But he doesn’t, because he hasn’t and somehow pretending to have isn’t an alternative.

He goes there alone.

“Hyukjae! You came.”

Kyuhyun’s wide smile is the first thing he sees while walking inside the apartment, over an hour and a half late.
He has spent the better part of his day trying to decide what to wear.

After breaking free from a suffocating hug and handing Kyuhyun his gift while apologizing over his tardiness his eyes are finally free to scan the room. He meets the gazes of several friend, barely giving them a nod in return. He knows what he is looking for. They all know who he is looking for. He doesn’t even try to hide it.

When his eyes spot a tall, well dressed stranger walking out from the kitchen his stomach feels like it is in his throat.
It’s suffocating him, it won’t let him breath.
Their gazes meet and they both instinctively know who the other is.

Hyukjae registers the shock in the other mans eyes, being so late people would have naturally assumed he wasn’t coming at all.
Hyukjae feels he should glare. He wants so badly to glare. But when he sees the shorter man exiting the kitchen and linking his arm in the tall strangers he can’t do anything.

Donghae is unaware, following the gaze of the man at his side, wondering why he doesn't respond.
His mind doesn’t take in the sudden silence that has fallen over the room, fallen amongst their friends.

Not until his eyes meet Hyukjaes.
And for the first time in over six months he lets himself get lost in the eyes of the only man who ever truly understood him.

The one man who's ever truly broken his heart.

His mind has enough sense not to let his feet move forward.

The mood is strange for a while but soon goes back to relaxed. Drinks are being poured into Hyukjaes glass. Most of them have landed in Kyuhyun’s flowerpots. No-one seems to notice.

Donghae notices.

They stay clear of each other. Hyukjae doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know where to start.
But looks are exchanged. Even when they try to hide them, their eyes explore the familiar profiles, shapes, expressions.

Hours go by.

Siwon looks tense.

Donghae looks hurt.

Hyukjae feels lost.

“Can I talk to you?”

So few words spoken but so much said. The sentence uncomfortably like the one Donghae spoke to him that day.

Talk.

Hyukjae has lost all confidence in that word. He feels bad for making a scene in front of everyone, but he can’t bring himself not to. In his mind Donghae is aware that he should say no, that it is still too soon. But there are always things that need to be cleared out. Sentiments expressed and explained.

He clutches Siwon’s arm a little harder.

“Please.”

All his apprehensions fade away.

He knows Hyukjae too well.

He knows how much it takes for the man to use that word.

He knows when Hyukjae’s eyes shine ever so slightly more than usual.

He knows when the man is about to cry.

Sungmin thinks that Hyukjae is very selfish for talking to Donghae. To push his feelings onto someone who has finally let go of his. But he knows it’s not his place to say this. He will just pick up the pieces

They are standing outside the apartment, some distance away from the door, further down towards the stairs.
Donghae keeps his arms crossed over his chest while Hyukjae talks.

The words are foreign in his mouth, like he is speaking a different language.
They are difficult to get out, but he has too. He tells Donghae what he feels, what he has felt, what he knows he will always feel. He is aware that he is too late and he doesn’t request an answer.

He just wants Donghae to know.

To know that he was right and Hyukjae was wrong. To know that Hyukjae understands. To know that Hyukjae is sorry.

Donghae doesn’t try to hide his tears, he doesn’t try to reply. Because he couldn’t even if he wanted to. Hyukjae wants to pull him into his arms. Donghae loved being held. He needs to be held.

But all Hyukjae can do is apologize for all the times he pulled away from the others touch.

He knows it’s not his place to comfort anymore. He leaves Donghae for a minute, letting him know that he will be right back. And Donghae slumps against the wall, feeling drained, feeling used up, feeling empty without the other by his side. 

“You forgot this.”

He hands over the small plastic bag he has brought with him and watches as Donghae pulls out his long lost navyblue sweater. He has said his goodbyes to his friends. He has picked up his jacket and left with promises of being in touch for lunch the coming week.

He is once again standing in the hallway, facing the man who is slowly letting his fingers brush across an embroidered emblem. Donghae puts the sweater back in the bag.

“Thank you.”

They stand in silence for some time. Knowing that things have changed, but not knowing where to go from here. They will avoid each other again, for some time. It’s an unspoken agreement.

“I’m gonna go. I can tell I’m making Siwon uncomfortable.” Hyukjae is shifting his feet, not really wanting to leave the presence of the other. That familiar warmth that pulls him in. “He seems like a nice guy.” He says instead “Looks like he just rolled out of a freaking fashion magazine.”

Donghae gives him a reprimanding look at that. He knows all about Hyukjaes insecurities with his looks and he has never once understood why the man can’t just see what Donghae sees. 

Hyukjae is beautiful. Perfect even. Not even Siwon can compare.

Donghae watches him leave the party and Siwon let’s out a sigh of relief. But he catches Donghaes eyes linger longingly on the door that he has just closed behind him.

“We should break up.”

Donghae doesn’t flinch at the words. He has known they were coming for two weeks now. Ever since the party.
As Hyukjae said, Siwon is a nice guy. Donghae think he might be too nice and he silently wishes for the other man to stand up and fight for what he wants.

But Siwon doesn’t, because Siwon is a nice guy.

Siwon saw the looks between the two men. Siwon knows for a fact that Hyukjae isn’t over Donghae, and he senses, while looking into Donghaes dark eyes that he isn’t over Hyukjae either.

He doesn’t want to be the other man, he wants Donghae to want him, only him. Call him selfish, call him a fool, but he deserves to have someone who sees only him.
Siwon likes Donghae a lot, but not enough to be his rebound.
Siwon believes that if Donghae is over Hyukjae then he will protest, try to make Siwon stay.
Donghae stays silent.
They part ways.

Eventually it becomes almost normal. Normal to not be in his presence. Normal to suppress the feelings of want and need. The gatherings where they find themselves in each others proximity are sporadic. Time still goes by. When they do meet it’s uncomfortable. As Donghae passes by, Hyukjaes nose is filled with the scent of his aftershave and he almost reaches out.

Shindong has told him about Siwon.

Sungmin hasn’t talked about that.

He doesn’t know why Siwon left, but Sungmin’s eyes are forever telling him it’s his fault. 

He decides to try.

Hyukjae decides enough is enough.

Hyukjae will never push himself at Donghae, he knows he doesn’t have the right. But he will try.

As the group slowly goes back to being united, Donghae watches Hyukjae change. He sees his efforts but tries his best to ignore them. He doesn’t dare to believe in change. Those old feelings he has tried to forget threatening to rise to the surface of his fragile mind.

Donghae starts to date Kibum.

Hyukjae stops trying so hard.

It’s movie night. Just the closest friends. It’s been long since they spent time together like this.

Hyukjae is shifting in his seat on the couch, the movie they are watching not really registering in his mind. He has seen it before. The others haven’t. He knows what’s coming. He knows the hospital scene, he knows the death of the character. He knows where Donghaes mind will lead him.

As Kyuhyun gets up to fetch more popcorn, Hyukjae doesn’t waste any time in moving to Donghaes side. The other man tenses. His eyes questioning, worrying.

Hyukjae just shrugs.

Five minutes later he is clutching Donghae’s hand as the man tries his best not to cry, not to think of the last time he was in the same situation as the one playing out on the TV. Donghae’s fingers are painfully holding on to the very person that kept him sane back then. That kept him alive when a part of his world died. It reminds him that even if he felt alone sometimes, Hyukjae was there when he was needed the most. And he knows that somewhere along the line, they have both forgotten this. Forgotten themselves, forgotten each other.

Throughout the movie he won’t let go. Even as the tears dry and the credits are showing he keeps his hand where it is. His skin being softly caressed by Hyukjaes thumb. As their friends start to move, they do the same. It’s slow, hesitant.

Hyukjae watches as Donghae makes his way to the bathroom. The man doesn’t like showing his sadness to the others. He needs a moment alone. Hyukjae knows this.

But he catches the small smile that Donghae sends his way.

It’s grateful

It’s hopeful.

Maybe they can’t go back.

Maybe they can start over.