Mokpo was much the same as it had been the first time I'd been there, a year previously. It still bustled with people, and was still filled with the scent of the sea. 

I let my eyes slide over to Henry. He was my first partner of the day. The fun concept of the filming for that particular day was that the guys and I would split into pairs and explore the city, accomplishing certain "missions". But every time I encountered one of the teams while exploring the town, I would have to switch partners. 

So the first teams were Henry and myself, Donghae and Leeteuk, Eunhyuk and Siwon, Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi, Shindong and Heechul, and Ryeowook and Sungmin. Kangin was gone for a radio show.

Of course, the comedy of getting put with Henry as a partner was that he didn't know any more about Mokpo than I did. 

"Alright, so where's the bus station?" Henry asked me, holding out our mission slip. We were to take the city bus down to the port.

"Beats me."

We both looked expectantly at the camera crew, which were silent as ever. I felt an odd sense of nostalgia from this whole thing. They were the same annoyingly quiet set of people that had accompanied me to Mokpo the first time. 

"Alright, I vote we head off in a random direction, and we find the nearest station," Henry declared, already striding down the street. 

"Henry! Wait! Why don't we just ask someone?!" I called after him, trying to keep up with my broken leg and crutches. The crutches were absolutely useless, I swear. I might as well just hop on one foot. 

"Go down that street for two blocks. Then the station will be there," a nice-looking lady selling jewelry on the street told us after I finally caught up to Henry and convinced him to stop. 

We thanked her, then continued down the street. "We haven't even eaten breakfast," I complained to the camera, then pointed at the camera crew. "They haven't let us eat anything. They say it's going to be part of our exploration."

Henry and I pouted, then looked around at the cafes near us. "Coffee?" Henry pleaded the crew, but they shook their heads. 

We arrived at the bus stop, and then waited. While we were at the bus stop, we were tasked with asking people what their occupations are.

"Ahjumma, can I ask what you do for a living?" I asked a woman who sits next to us on the bench, despite the cameras.

"I run a dry cleaners," she answered, then ignored us. 

"Hey, Agasshi!" Henry yelled, running after a fairly pretty girl who couldn't be much older than I was. "You must be the daughter of a rich family!"

She shook her head, nervously giggling when she saw the cameras and realized that it's Henry. "Umm, I'm just a regular college student..."

"What? But you were so pretty, I thought..."

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed Henry by the ear, delighted in the cliche move that I'd never been able to use before. "I'm sorry, Miss. Please be on your way."

By the time our bus came, we were so involved with asking about occupations that we didn't even see our bus until it started pulling away from the stop. 

"WAIT!!!!!!!" Henry screamed, running after it. "YOU CAN'T JUST DRIVE AWAY! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE A CRIPPLE BEHIND IN THE DUST?!"

Fortunately, the bus stopped for him, and we were able to get on. "I'm not a cripple, Henry," I argued as I got on the bus, hopping up the steps despite my crutches. "I'm just injured. HUGE difference."

I heard loud laughter and looked up. And there were Shindong and Heechul, sharing a seat in the back, laughing hysterically. The other people on the bus just looked mildly uncomfortable, and I was pretty sure that the teenage girl sitting behind them was taking pictures of them with her phone.

"What, we run into you ALREADY?!" Henry complained. "Alright, fine. Let's switch partners."

Henry squeezed into the seat between the two of them, forcing Heechul off the edge of the seat. He fell out into the aisle, almost swearing, but catching himself in time. I sat down in the empty seat next to them, then patted the spot next to me. "It's okay, Oppa. That means we're partners!"

My camera crew informed us that, since we'd switched partners, we'd also swapped missions. Instead of heading to the port, I was going to a cafe to eat breakfast with Heechul.

"Breakfast in Korea is really different from breakfast in the United States!" I complained, my nose in the menu. "Can I just get some tea?" I asked of the waitress. "Please?"

I looked up, and saw her staring at me. "Did I say something wrong?" I ask, hoping I hadn't accidentally messed up my Korean and said something totally offensive. 

"No, it's not that..." she replied, looking back and forth between Heechul and I. "Aren't you Queen Be and Super Junior Heechul?"

Heechul started laughing, and I felt my cheeks turn red. "Yes, we are."

"Can I have your autograph?"

"Huh? Oppa, I think she wants your autograph," I commented to Heechul, tapping him on the arm with my spoon.

"No, not Heechul-shi... Your autograph."

"What, ME?!"

Heechul burst out laughing, and I tried to sink into my chair to avoid the eyes of everyone, staring at me. She just bowed, looking a little embarrassed herself.

"I'm Queen Be's fan. I've always wanted to go to a foreign school, but I'm not very good at English. Queen Be is a bit of an inspiration for me."

Hesitantly, I reached out and took her pen from her hand, and signed the little pink napkin she held out for me. All the while, Heechul kept laughing. "Are you sure you don't want Heenim's autograph? He's the diva, not me..."

She shook her head and smiled, taking her napkin back. "Do you think I can get into a foreign school?"

I almost said, "as long as it's the United States, yes. As long as you're not going Ivy League, it's a piece of cake. Because my country's easy like that. If the United States were a man and you were trying to take him home with you, it'd be as easy as..."

But I didn't say that.

"Sure. It's a lot easier than people think. As long as you're willing to put some time and effort in, if you can work at a cafe in Mokpo, you can go to college in the U.S."

She smiled and left, then came back with my tea and Heechul's coffee.

We were hurried out the door by our camera crew, but before we left, I quickly dug into my purse and pulled out a five-thousand won bill and left it on the table before grabbing my crutches and hobbling out the door behind Heechul.

"What, bribing your fans now?" Heechul teased when we were back out in the sunshine.

I glared at him. "Absolutely not. I was leaving a tip. Because in my country, we leave money for good service."

My time with Heenim was short, though. Soon enough I was switching with Ryeowook and Sungmin at an ice cream shop near the pier, and was touring the boats with Wookie. Then when I was getting a fishing lesson from one of the local fisherman, I had to trade Wookie for Siwon. Most of the time I'd been in Korea, I would've taken Eunhyuk from the pair, but my latest experience with him had left me slightly uncomfortable around him. I still wasn't angry, but I did feel a little injured. I'd come to forgive him in time, but for the moment it was easier to avoid him.

So I headed down the Mokpo streets with Siwon to go take a picture with the statue of Admiral Lee Sunsin. Fortunately, the topic of religion never came up, so I was able to relax. We took some pretty fabulous selcas with the giant statue in the background, I have to admit. And then when I complained about walking around the city on a broken leg, he decided it would be okay to give me a piggy-back ride. Whatever. It's great for cameras. And my leg really was starting to hurt from all the walking, though. 

My ride didn't last that long, though, because we encountered Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun outside a restaurant on our way to the National Maritime Museum, and once again, had to switch.

This particular time, though, I didn't really know who I was going to pick. Up until that point, the partner choosing had all been up to either circumstance or the members choosing the partner they themselves had wanted first. I'd ended up with Heechul because Henry had pushed him out of the seat. I'd ended up with Ryeowook because Heechul wanted to go with Sungmin on their mission, which was to look through a particular clothing store. He'd wanted to buy pink shirts, the weirdo. And between Siwon and Eunhyuk...

Yeah. Circumstance.

But Siwon was a gentleman, so loudly declared that it was the lady's choice. Of course, my immediate response was that I wasn't a lady, but that still didn't change the fact that the decision was left to me. 

And I'm not proud of it, but I play favorites. That's the reason my drawings of Super Junior are arranged the way they are. Once a fangirl, always a fangirl. In the words of my Siwon-oppa, "It doesn't matter if you're an ELF from the beginning. you just have to be an ELF until the end." I'm not entirely sure when exactly the "end" is, so I'll just assume it's forever. So I almost automatically grabbed Kyuhyun's arm. "Kyuhyun-oppa! Come with me to the museum!"

I'd expected him to shake me off, but instead he looked up smugly at Siwon and Zhou Mi. "See? I told you she'd pick me."

The grudging look on Zhou Mi's face almost made me regret my decision. But then, before I knew it, the expression was gone, and it was replaced by the joking anger that I'd expected.

"Fine, Niuwang. I see how it is." He started to mock cry, and Siwon hugged him, jokingly comforting him. 

I laughed. "Mimi is too nice," I said to the cameras. "And Kyuhyun-oppa is funny. I only feel a little bit sorry." 

I turned and walked off, pulling Kyuhyun away from the restaurant. I looked back once, to see Zhou Mi watching me go. I quickly snapped my head back around to where I was going. It was a dog-eat-dog world in the entertainment business, and the fangirl heart. Besides, I had a heart to deliver to someone else entirely, later that day. All of this partner swapping... it was all just a little game. It wasn't real.

"Alright, how long are you planning to play this game?" Kyuhyun asked, playing with a boat model in the museum that I was pretty sure had a sign written in five languages that said "do not touch". 

"Until filming is over. Isn't that what we're supposed to do?" I asked, looking up at a lights display of the inside of a Korean warship from several decades ago. 

"No, not that game," he answered, turning to look down at me, a smile playing on his lips. "The game you've been playing most of the time you'd been here."

"Huh? I don't get it, Oppa."

His eyes flicked to the camera cew, and then back to me. "Never mind. Are you coming, or not?"

I rushed after him, despite the dull ache in my leg. "I don't get it!"

"What about 'never mind' don't you get? You're practically a member of Super Junior. You're with us all the time."

"I like being with my Oppas! It's a promotion strategy!"

"Don't you think that maybe you should get out more often? You know, hang out with other guys. It's no wonder you never have a boyfriend!"

He said it like a joke for the camera, but I could hear an underlying tone. "Isn't it because I'm violent, brutally honest, and kind of intimidating?"

"That too."

So essentially Kyuhyun said I was always single because I stuck too close to my Oppas.

"I'll keep that in mind." Or not.

Soon enough, we were out of the museum, and headed towards a fairly famous fish restaurant to taste some classic Korean cooking. But then it happened. 

We ran into Donghae and Leeteuk. After eating a (truly delicious) meal with the four of us, we had to split up. This was my chance. If I just...

But wait. The cameras. That was a direct route to idol scandals. No, I'd have to wait. Patience.

I still wanted to talk to Donghae, though. But I didn't get the chance. Kyuhyun ran to him almost immediately. "Donghae! I don't want to go with Leeteuk! Please, don't make me!"

I turned, astounded, to Leeteuk. "What'd you do?"

"Kyuhyun's just being weird. I told him to be nice, and he said I was being mean. But you don't mind being my partner, do you, Queen Be?"

 I hesitated, my eyes flicking to Donghae, who was also glancing nervously at me. But then I looked back at Leeteuk. "No, I don't mind at all," I replied, exhaling. I couldn't very well deny the leader, not when he asked me like that. 

After a truly hilarious time of searching the beach for a certain kind of shell and dumping a crab down the back of Leeteuk's shirt, the two of us met with the rest of the members back at the city limits for the end of the filming.

"We're Super Juni-"

"OYEO!" the members shouted in response to Leeteuk's call, all grinning like idiots.

"And I'm Queen Be!" I yelled as loud as I could, then giggled, "it feels a little bit lame compared to eleven guys."

We all laughed, and then the camera crew signaled for the end of the day, and Jung Ah and Manager Kim came out, clapping. "Good job, kids!" Manager Kim cheered. "Now you have the rest of the night to yourselves. Just be back at the hotel before seven in the morning tomorrow, or I'm leaving you in Mokpo!"

The members scattered, leaving me with Jung Ah. She didn't say anything- just raised an eyebrow. 

I nodded. I knew what she was getting at. I turned and looked around. Only a few of the guys were left. Kyuhyun and Heechul, arguing about Starcraft. Henry, pestering the crew about not letting him get coffee. Everyone else was gone, off to explore the city under their own rules. None of them grew up there. None but one. Most of them went to typical places that were well-known. All except one.

My leg hurt, and I really should have just gone to the hotel to lay down and rest, but I had one last thing to do.

I bowed to the production team, then turned off and headed back through Mokpo streets, hoping I could remember where I was going. 

 My heart beat wildly as I made my way through Mokpo's streets, to find that spot where he had taken me, what felt like so long before.

Donghae had a hard time expressing himself, yet I found that trait so endearing. I wanted him to tell me what was in his heart. His soft, delicate heart that was injured so quickly, and so easily lonely. I could take away that loneliness, if I could just tell him that I was willing to. I thought about the trip to the hospital, how he had held my hand in the ambulance, how he had been there when I woke up, holding a boquet of flowers and a sweet smile. He had waited all night for me, worrying about me. It made my heart soar. Maybe, just maybe...

I finally found the right street, practicing my speech as I walked, ignoring the limp that I was starting to develop.

"Donghae-oppa, I'm not sure if these felings are real or not, but I'll never know if I don't say them. I think I might love you, and I just wanted to know if maybe you feel the same, because if you do, I'll do everything I can to make you happy..."

I heard laughing, and before I knew it, I was hiding behind a tree. I didn't know what posessed me to do it; after all, I had nothing to fear from Donghae, but something had made me hide.

I peeked around the tree, identifying the laugh.

And there were Donghae and Eunhyuk, lying on their backs in the grass, talking to each other and laughing. I couldn't he;p but notice how close together they lay, as if not even a secret could fit into the space between them.

I returned to the space behind the tree, leaning against it as I looked up at the sky.

I couldn't confess to Donghae, I realized. Because he would never return my feelings. Not completely; not the way I wanted him to.

I started heading back down the street, not regretting anything, not looking back. Eunhyuk and Donghae would never marry, I realized. Or if they did, their brides would be lonely.

Because, just as it always had been, Eunhyuk and Donghae would always belong to, and with, each other. Whatever way that was.

And, I discovered, I was okay with that.

Back at the hotel, I found myself greeted with an odd silence. I went to my room, to find a note from Jung Ah sitting on the side table. "Went out to buy some snacks. Will be back soon."

I sat down on the bed, looking out at the water. I curled my legs up to my chest, holding my body in a tight ball, despite the brace around my leg. My heart beat painfully with the pulsing of every wave against the shore, and I fought with every bit of strength I had to stop the tears. I pulled my legs tighter, feeling as if I had to physically hold myself together in order to stay in one piece. 

It wasn't disappointment, exactly. It was hard to describe, really. I wasn't insulted; I hadn't been rejected. Maybe it was just the stress of my heavy schedule all weighing down on me. Maybe I was just being a drama queen. After all, Ahjusshi was how old, and still didn't have a girlfriend? 

I could afford to be lonely for a while. Maybe Kyuhyun was right. Maybe the real reason I never dated anyone was because they were afraid of getting too close. Because I was too close to my Super Junior Oppas. But I didn't want to relax my grip. After all, that was what "Paper Wall" was about, right? Wanting to hold as tightly as I could, because I didn't know when it would all come crashing down? 

Maybe I forced this loneliness on myself. Maybe the reason I pushed everyone away was because the fangirl in me was stronger than anything else. My Oppas had pushed my standards too high. Absurdly high. But I couldn't help it. 

My phone rang. It was Henry. I almost didn't answer, wanting to be alone. But I couldn't just ditch him like that.

"Hello? What's up, Henry?" I asked, trying to keep my voice level.

"Hey, you want to hear that song you wrote?"

"That's terribly specific, Henry. I've written over thirty songs by now."

"I mean your most RECENT one. The one you gave to Zhou Mi."

I uncurled, sitting up straighter. "Your Smile?"

"Yes! That one! We're all in the Chinese restaurant down the street from the hotel. Leeteuk-hyung said he saw you come back to the hotel, and that you'd looked upset. Come on, cheer up, okay?"

I bit my lip, then smiled. As usual, there was no saying no to my Oppas. Point and case of earlier thoughts made. "I'll be there in a minute," I answered, then hung up.

I limped through the door, to find myself shoved into a chair that rolled underneath me. "MWAHAHAHAHA, we've got her now!"

I looked up in surprise. "Sungmin-oppa?!"

"We can't have you walking on that leg. So we'll push you, okay?" Leeteuk added, leaning over the wheelchair.

I laughed, my chest still aching. "Alright, Oppa-deul. I can walk if you get tired, though..."

"NO!" they said simultaneously, then started rolling me down the hallway.

 The restaurant was fairly empty, quiet with the lull of a late night. There weren't many customers aside from the members, and those that were there were focused on the side of the establishment, where the guys were chatting with the owners of the store and taking pictures with each other.

They sat up and waved when I came in, and I searched the room for the different members. Only a few of them were there. Heechul, Henry, Siwon, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, and, of course, Sungmin and Leeteuk.

"Where's Mimi?" I asked Ryeowook, searching the room.

Ryeowook waved over to the side of the room, where Zhou Mi was sitting, eating some kind of stir fry.

"Okay, guys, who wants Zhou Mi to sing?" Henry suddenly yelled, yanking every bit of attention in the room towards him.

Girls started raising their hands excitedly, cheering. Zhou Mi looked up from his meal, startled. "Who, me?"

"Zhou Mi here has a new solo. I think after a hard day, it's a good song to sing, right?"

I laughed a little, seeing the sauce drip off of Zhou Mi's lips. He wiped his face with a napkin, then unfolded himself from his chair. His cheeks seemed painted pink when his eyes met mine. "Well, if you all want me to, I guess I can..."

I leaned over to whisper in Ryeowook's ear, "are you sure this is okay?"

He shrugged. "Donghae's parent's friends own this place. They let us hang out here whenever we visit."

I smiled and rolled my eyes. Of course they did. 

I sat back in the chair, waiting for him to sing that song. Maybe it would help me feel better.

He opened his mouth, then closed it. He took a deep breath, then began again.

"It's been some time since I first saw you-
I remember the way I was enchanted.
I remember the smile that played on your wide lips.
I wondered why you always tried to hide it.

Seeing you in pain always made my heart hurt.
I never knew what I could do to make it go away.
I fight to understand your pained heart,
so I may have the chance to help that smile return.

I still dream of your smile
when I close my eyes and drift away.
No matter how far the wind of the night pulls me away,
I still see the curve of your lips in my dreams,
the shine of your white teeth.
I save that image in my memory,
so when I wake up, it will remain in my heart,
even when your smile is gone."

It almost felt strange, to hear the words I had written come from Zhou Mi's lips. I really loved Mimi's smile. Many a fangirl has said that he has a beautiful smile. Even the harsh Korean fans have grudgingly admitted that they'll melt whenever he smiles. But it didn't seem like I was hearing my own words through his song. It felt like they were his words, to whoever he was singing to. I wondered, briefly, who it was out there that he would wish to see smile. 

"Life can be hard and weighted,
and time never eases the pain.
And sometimes when the days are dark and home feels far away,
I wonder if I can be happy again.

But then you smile,
and the shadows go spinning away. 
the weight lifts off of my heavy heart,
and the sky comes back into my sight.

I still dream of your smile
when I close my eyes and drift away.
No matter how far the wind of the night pulls me away,
I still see the curve of your lips in my dreams,
the shine of your white teeth.
I save that image in my memory,
so when I wake up, it will remain in my heart,
even when your smile is gone.

Please continue to smile for me
even when the darkness comes.
Your smile is a light for me,
away from a stormy sea.

That you are able to smile,
even when you're in pain,
It holds me the warmth of your gaze,
the beauty of your smile."

I wondered for a moment, why SM didn't give him more songs like this. He had a wonderful voice. Full of emotions. Maybe that was the real sign of a good singer. to take someone else's words, and sing them like they came from your own heart. He made me want to cry and smile at the same time. So I did. I cried while I was smiling.

"I still see your smile
Blazing on the backs of my eyelids when I dream,
Though the wind of distance separates our joined hands,
I refuse to forget the curve of your lips
and the shine of your teeth.
I cling to that image in my memory.
And when we wake up, I hope it remains in your heart,
so your smile will never be gone.

I still dream of your smile
when I close my eyes and drift away.
No matter how far the wind of the night pulls me away,
I still see the curve of your lips in my dreams,
the shine of your white teeth.
I save that image in my memory,
so when I wake up, it will remain in my heart,
even when your smile is gone."

I clapped for him, my cheeks feeling warm. When I'd written it, I had been thinking of making the listener feel happy, and encouraged, and wanting to fight for themselves. But when Mimi sang it, it sounded like a love song. 

The other people in the restaurant cheered with us, and I used their noise as a distraction to slide into my own personal world, and quickly wipe away my tears before anyone saw. 

I got up, despite my leg, and limped over to him, tripping just in time to get there, giving him a hug. "Didn't I tell you, Mimi? It was just for you."

He held me to him for a second, then gently pushed me away. "No, I think it was for you," he replied. I thought it was ajoke, but he wasn't smiling. "Please get better quickly," he added, before walking past me. The way he said it, there was no emotion in his words. Like the words that had come out weren't the ones in his head. They were cold.

Did I do something wrong? Or maybe he was trying to push me away. Give me a hint. That I needed to loosen my grip on my SuJu oppas. 

But despite his coldness, I still felt my heart warmed by his voice, singing my song. It made me smile. As long as I was with them, I was able to smile. They might be my oppas, but they were still my best friends. Even closer than the members of FASE. Without Min Hee, who else did I have? If I let go of them, wouldn't I be alone?