Final.
The Saddest People, Smile The Brightest
He can’t help it. It comes when it wants to, creeping up on him when he least expects it. He doesn’t like crying, he doesn’t like feeling this way but he does and he doesn’t know why. Why do these thoughts swirl around his head, manifesting into demons that never truly leaves his side?
At first he believed it was because he was far from his dreams, a pretty boy who only had his face to show the world; no one really cared about everything else he has to offer. So he worked hard, he poured his heart and soul out into the songs he played on the instruments he loved. He learned how to beatbox, he wrote his own lyrics to develop his own rapping style and even took up dance lessons. He got in. But still, those thoughts came every now and then, scaring even Chanyeol himself. Does any other teen his age understand how he feels during those fleeting moments?
Maybe it came from the stress of his hazy future. Maybe it emanated from his worry regarding his tentative debut. Chanyeol was unsure but he put the blame on his endless amounts of training and waiting. He needed a scapegoat; why else would he suffer and lose sleep over such thoughts? It doesn’t make sense.
Wrong again. Their debut had been a month ago and yet, Chanyeol still has these dark thoughts looming in the back of his mind, causing him to smile at his loved ones with a heavy heart. Chanyeol wanted to scream, he wanted to cry and he wanted escape. He wanted freedom, freedom from his demons. He’s living his dreams, what more could he want? Chanyeol couldn’t answer that question. What does he want?
Staring at the sleeping pills in his hands Chanyeol sets them back into the washroom cabinet and walks into his room, dragging his feet to get into bed. He tosses and turns, unable to sleep, incapable of receiving even a wink of shut eye.
Would people care if I were to disappear right now? Would it be better for those around me if I were gone? Would it even matter if I died?
Chanyeol threw his blanket over his head and cried silently to himself. He just wants these thoughts to stop. He should be happy, he has everything he’s ever wanted so why would he even think this way? Why does his heart feel so empty? Why is it that no matter much he achieves and how much love he receives that Chanyeol is never satisfied?
Chanyeol thinks about the people in his life and feels guilt surround his entire being. He isn’t being fair to them. Everyone is accustomed to the dorky and smiling Chanyeol, the giant elf who’s ready to be the clown when need be, completely unaware of the dark thoughts that encompasses his thoughts come sun fall.
Chanyeol hates himself. Of course people would care if he died, Chanyeol knows it. In the deepest pit of his heart Chanyeol knows that people do in fact love him, even if it is unconditionally. Chanyeol knows all this and still, those thoughts come back time and time again; leaving him confused, afraid, angry, depressed and guilt-ridden.
He needs help. Chanyeol needs help but he’ll never ask for it. He’s much too terrified to reach out. What if people thought he was sick? Chanyeol isn’t mentally ill; he hopes that he isn’t at least. What if people get angry? He’s kept it from them for so long already. He’s already grown use to it really. In any case… that’s what he tries to tell himself.
He’s still alive and breathing, that’s a good sign. He’s wanted to take his own life on multiple occasions but he has always managed to stop himself. Maybe it’s just a phase.
Five years is quite a long phase but Chanyeol can push those thoughts away; that’s easy. All he needs is to put the blame elsewhere and he’ll be alright. Come sun rise and Chanyeol will be back to his usual cheery self. The demons that come and go are for future Chanyeol to worry about. Present Chanyeol is too busy, too busy living the chaotic mess he calls his life, too busy smiling for his fans and lying to his brothers, too busy putting up a front for his family and too busy trying to convince himself that everything’s alright.
Because in the end, Chanyeol can’t help it. It comes when it wants to, creeping up on Chanyeol when he least expects it. Chanyeol doesn’t like crying, he doesn’t like feeling this way but he does and he doesn’t want to know why.
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