I don't know if  I should tell you. I'm scared of what will happen if I told you. I can't stand pain, that's the problem with me.I can't stand pain, afraid of myself that I will feel it again. Everyday and everytime I feel it. It hurts in my heart when I feel pain so I have growned afraid of them. Different kinds of pain, I have experienced them. I tried to stay quiet but it still hurts, I tried to be ignorant, it's still there, I tried to be cold, It doubles, I tried to cry it off, it was exhausting and it just adds up to my own pain, I tried to laugh it off, I can't help but cry when I always laugh it off. DAMN IT!! Why is this happening? Why do I have to feel pain. From my childhood till now, I still experience pain. From physical to emotional then to metal pain. When I was child, I used to get beaten up by my Father whenever I did something wrong but I saw my younger sister do the same thing but punish only me? Why is that? I don't know, I don't understand. Many years has passed and I asked my mother whom I thought can put out the pain in me but she only added more and what's worse, it was accidentally.

"Hey Mom, Why did Papa always scold me when I was just a child even though I was not the one at fault?" I asked her hoping that my question maybe answered after all this years but hell no, I was only hurted once more but deeper this time.

"Because he thought you came from someone else, that you came from a different father" My heart sunked through my chest as I heard her answer. I can only smile at her then I stood up and went away.

See? I told you that they never did cared for you. Someone from inside told me. Even in my childhood, Pain was already imflicting on me. I have not even stepped out of my mother's womb, I was already experiencing pain BUT!! Years have passed and I though that I won't experience pain anymore or experience pain much more than that but  I was wrong, hell wrong!!

"You wanted me to stay away?" I asked her in the telephone. I waited as I can feel my own heart beat wildly inside my chest as I anticipated for her answer as I was silently praying to myself that she says 'no' but why does things does not go my way for once?!

"Yes" She answered my question but instead of sounding sad, she giggled like a child who wanted a candy and was finally given one. My heart was crushed into a million pieces as tears threathened to fall. I would have let it fall but my grandmother was there so I just said without sounding so damn heart breaked.

"Oh...Okay bye" As I quickly hang up the phone and went to my favorite place in our house, it was a place for me only and no one else. I slumped on my chair and hugged my knees and placed them near my chest as I cried my heart out. I must have been crying hard when my mother  went to me and checked upon me. She must have noticed my red puffy eyes.

"I'm okay, just allergies hehe" I smiled and lied to her as I tried to laugh so she just gave me a confused look and walks away.

I told you that she doesn't love you, Why do you have to so much faith in yourself that she loves you? Why did you have a high expectation that she loves you?  Somebody  inside me said as I cried hard again and let my fall asleep in my chair.

I woke up and started for school as I have a blank emotion of my face as it clearly stated

'Get the away from me or I vowed that I'll kill you' in my face. It has not been the first time that I nearly kill someone due to myself get stressed out due to the pilling pain inside me. Why did she left me? Why did she asked me to stay away from her? I did what I could to make her happy but I guess it was not enough.

*flashback*

"Why are you following me?" She asked me as I just really followed her.

" Do I need a reason to be with you?" I asked rather loudly as I saw her blushing.

'Maybe this is why we were always mistaken as a couple'She suddenly stopped making me abruply stopped to then she took my hand and we both interlace our fingers as if it was a ribbon being wrapped in a present so it can be given to a deserving child. Smiles both evident on our faces as school ended like that.

"Hey can you go beside me, I don't want you following behind me" She ordered me as I happily did. She suddenly spoke up again.

"Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow but walk beside me as a friend" She smiled towards me as her words made my heart swell in happiness. I have never been this happy before.

"friend?" I asked her. She never answeredmy question as she just keeped on walking so I just let my own question past.

' I really love her. She had made me more happy than my parents did to me' I wanted to tell her but one day something happened that proved me wrong, something that made itself clear to me. Pain is always there  and happiness can go away but pain will never leave.

"Can you stay away from me?" She asked to me like she was even happy at this choice. My eyes widen.

"Why?" I asked her with trembleing lips.

"I dont know" She answered me nonchalantly like this was not a big deal.

'YOU DON'T KNOW? HOW THE CAN YOU NOT KNOW?WHAT YOU THOUGHT THIS IS SOME SICK GAME HUH?' I thought to myself as rage builds in me.

"So?" Her voice came up again as it made me jump from my sit. After that both of us fell into a long silence. She spoke up again and I just put the phone again and I wept at my special place.

" I thought that she was the one for me, the one who can bring joy and happiness to me, the one who puts a smile on my face but I was wrong, she was the one who has givem me the most pain anyone could ever give. Happy now?" I yelled paticularly to no one as I was left alone in the house. I got up and punched the wall many times as I heard the sound of my knuckles and the wall colliding. I also heard the bones in my knuckles cracked as I saw blood on the wall. My knuckles didn't stopped bleeding but I don't give a damn about it as I felt myself get numb. No more pain, no more as I mumbled to myself like it was some mantra. Someone hugged me and called my name but I don't give a as I suddenly stood up and locked myself up into my own room at my special place and I tend to my injuries alone and I wrapped it, bandages were evident in my right hand so in result, I may not be able to write nor draw anymore but the hell I care, she was my very reason for drawing but now she is gone so what's the point? I slept again as I woke up again pretty early and prepared and went out to my school without waiting for my service, I don't care anymore. I give up on living anymore. They said that you live for happiness well it's gone now so nothing. I arrived at school and reached up to my classroom as I waited outside. Slowly my classmates filled the hallway as I saw her smiling.

' Does she really wanted me to be away from her that she is smiling that much?' I though to myself while I grit my teeth.  I punched the floor hard and I saw my knuckles bleeding again.

"Omo! Are you okay? Your knuckles are bleeding!" She saw me and then she suddenly took my hand and look at my eyes. I just stared at her blankly. The way she acted is like nothing happened last night. It got me angry and If I was not able to hold back, I may have punched her so I yanked my hand away and I proceed towards my classroom and proceeded downstairs. 

"Why are you pushing me away?" She yelled at me in which made my classmates turn to us as I snickered and smirked at her.

"This pain......This is your decision is it not?" I know that she understood it as she was going to say something but kept shut.

"I though so" I said to her and stared at her.

" You're the cause of this!" I said as I pointed not at my bleeding knuckles but at my chest where my heart can be located.

" You're the caused of all this pains!!" I added as I barked at her.

" This pain...You want this did you not, Tiffany?" I said to her not minding my classmates stares at us as I went downstairs towards the clinic.

" If you only know why. I don't know if I should tell you. I'm scared of the pain in which I feel if I told you. I don't know" I said to her as I try to hold back my tears even though she is gone as I watched her go towards the clinic as I saw the blood trail she has left behind by her bleeding knuckles but I also saw the blood trail of her heart.

'I'm sorry, I'm really am. I just....I'm scared if I told you the truth. The pain in which will be awaitng the both of us I told you. I don't know, Taeyeon'