The most tedious thing about being a cashier is the talking. Talking to people, repeating numbers over and over again, being force to smile and be cheerful even when you’re in a bad mood. It’s awful. Have you ever tried it? Standing on your feet for hours, not able to move around much, no freedom, having to wait for others to come relieve you so that you can take your breaks, I hate it. I’ve always hated it. It’s so boring. I was also suffering from social anxiety so bad that I couldn’t even order food for myself, talking to random strangers about anything and everything did not appeal to me. But that didn’t stop me from once again filling out an application to become a cashier.

I was desperate.

So you could imagine my surprise when I was actually offered the job. I smiled the rest of that day, even during the drug test. I’m pretty sure the doctor thought I was insane, and I don’t blame them. It wasn’t that I was insane. I always knew I was a little off, but I’d never believed I was insane. But they keep saying it to me over and over.

Insane. Insane. Insane.

How do I get them to stop?

Diseased. Diseased. Diseased.

Make them stop.

Really it all started when I first got the cashier job. I met so many new people. I was intimidated. I didn’t know what to do. They called my name over and over, begged for my attention. I gave it to them but in a guarded way. I was still very shy. Customers, cashiers, co-workers, managers. Left and right, people would talk, it felt like they’d talk forever. I was never really comfortable with them all. How could I have been? A few months before I hadn’t even been able to walk up to a retail worker and ask to use the fitting room, now I was expected to have conversations with everyone I came across.

A few days after I started working again another cashier introduced himself to me. His name was Yongguk. He was taller than I was, but I felt comfortable talking to him unlike a lot of the other people I’d met. Quickly we became friends and we both ignored the stares from other co-workers and the customers who saw us talking to each other.

Insane. Insane. Insane.

Yongguk and I would talk pretty much every time we saw each other. On our breaks, lunches, if our registers for that day were close to each other. I felt like I could talk to him about anything, and honestly I ended up doing so. I’d tell him anything he asked about. He knew me better than anyone else at work. I was never really sure why it was so easy to open up to him, but it was. I didn’t mind it. It paved the way for me to be able to open up to other co-workers as well. After just three months I considered myself to be very sociable at work and a lot more open and confident. Ordering food was no problem anymore. Talking to employees at other stores was no biggie. Opening up to random strangers who came through my line was something I found that I wanted to do now.

Insane. Insane.

Still, people would always look at me weird whenever I mentioned Yongguk’s name. One of the other cashiers would look at me almost as if she pitied me. I never understood why. Yongguk was popular, he was always talking to people. They all should have known who he was, unless I was just seeing things this whole time, but I doubted that was the case. My imagination can be elaborate, I’ll admit, but even that would be going too far. If I was imagining things like that, that would mean that I was—

Insane.

Schizophrenia: a mental disorder // a breakdown of thought processes.
Common symptoms: hallucinations // paranoid or bizarre delusions // disorganized speech and thinking.
Accompanied by: significant social or occupational dysfunction.

That’s what they keep telling me it is anyway. I don’t believe them. I don’t want to believe them. Yongguk is real. He helped me when I needed it. He…

They’re coming back again. They don’t like when I write about Yongguk. I have to go before they catch me again and make me take more medicine. That’s what they call it anyway, but I know they’re just trying to put me to sleep. They want me to forget about my friend. They want me to forget about all of my friends. They’re almost here. Yongguk, if you ever read this, help me.

They’re insane.