Shattered Wrong

Test Review By kittyxluvlee
 

Harsh Meter: Harsh 

>>Because my name just isn't Suzy- Title 

7/10

You've got a nice, original, intriguing title, but there's just one big turn off for Grammar Nazi readers. It should be 'Shattered Wrongly.' It would sound better if you used wrongly instead. Shattered is a participle, if I am correct, which acts as an adjective. Adjectives can't really modify other adjectives. Adverbs can modify adjectives, hence, 'wrongly.'

→My autobiography isn't written like this- Foreword & Description

7/15

Honestly, the large fonts were a big turn off for me. For a story with a title that sounds so serious and angsty, whenever I see anything with large fonts, I just cringe. Sure, making a few, certain words bigger might be nice to emphasize them (like fire), but I'd strongly advise making the description font smaller. Also, the font colors were unnecessary, and some readers may actually not like them. The bright, glaring red just got to me. When I saw the title, I immediately got the impression of something sad and muted (At least for colors.) The foreword was nicely organized, but the little quote you have there? It was another turn off to me. The verb tenses change constantly, which is one of my pet peeves. Overall, the use of 'wrong' really deterred me too. 'Fun goes wrong' is okay because it's already sort of an established saying, though 'wrongly' works fine here too. However, 'A hand lands wrongly', 'A crush fallen for wrongly', and 'All shattered wrongly.' Yeah, I know it may sound weird, but it's grammar. Sometimes the correct way doesn't sound like it. But your foreword was somewhat interesting to me. It didn't exactly leave me hooked, but I was still excited to read more. You know I'm just a er for poetic quotes and the like. Good job! (Though I don't really even understand how the description matches with the story--like the whole fire part did not make sense. Is that how she became blind? Because I would just either add that in to the story because you don't even mention it in the story.)

>>How can I be known as  Miss Mary-Sue- Characterization

12/20

First off, I like the way you portray Chaerin: hopeless, depressed, and lifeless. The only thing  she sees as 'hope' in her life is JiYong...which is, in a way, a futile hope to her. She just hopes, knowing that it will never happen. I like how you made her character one of a kind. She's not the stereotypical perfect nice girl. Nor is she one of those perfect badass female leads. She's developed pretty nicely for a one-shot, which can be difficult sometimes. However, as I always stress, a little more detail would help the reader relate to her better. For example, a little more detail on how she was before her diagnosis would help the reader in relating to Chaerin's misfortune by seeing how much of a 180 degree turn she's taken. A little more detail on her current condition would help too. Right now, I can get a pretty good picture of Chaerin's personality; however, I don't feel anything. I don't know if you've studied Greek tragedies, but they were basically written so as that the audience would be able to relate and sympathize for the tragic hero. Sure, you characterized her pretty well, but I think more detail would help the reader be able to 'suffer' what Chaerin is suffering (like the reader can 'feel' or 'imagine' her suffering/relate to her misfortune).

JiYong's character development was a bit sketchy and vague. I don't see anything in the story where I can draw up a mental picture of him in my head. Of course, you can see he cares for Chaerin very much, seeing how lovingly he tucks her into bed, etc. However, again, more elaboration on his relationship with Chaerin with her before and after diagnosis would help the reader to understand him better and to 'feel' his pain when she dies.

His lover/friend with benefits was way to sketchy. In fact, I don't even see what her role in the story was except to make Chaerin bitter and jealous. Her exit from the story was just as abrupt as her entrance. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she texts JiYong that she wants to break up because she loves some other guy. Everything about this 'mystery girl' was just way to abrupt with no detail, leaving the reader confused about her purpose in the story. She had no...depth to her character. She was really flat, and she didn't even do that great of a job in being a flat character. I could easily take her out of the story, and everything would still make sense.

→Overratedness cannot be closer- Plot & Originality 

13/20

There were parts of your story that were cliché and predictable. Such as Chaerin being blind. There are lot of stories where the main girl is blind. I do like how you added that twist that she wasn't blind before until she was diagnosed with severe generic cataract. I could also easily tell that she was going to die because the car crash death scenario is so over-used here at AFF. I could also predict that she would die, because...there was no other better ending. If she had ended up alive, it wouldn't have the impact that your story has now. BUT, it doesn't excuse the fact that some of these things were cliché and predictable. There wasn't much that left me guessing, and there weren't really any unpredictable plot twists. It wasn't that your plot was over-used. It was more like it was too predictable for the reader to fully enjoy. Also, there times I got really confused. In the beginning it was a little unclear. It seemed at first that Chaerin was imagining a past relationship with JiYong.
When I saw 'the couple broke apart', I was confused, and I had to re-read that section to understand what was going on. There's also a part where JiYong's mystery lover apologizes for burdening him with Chaerin. Either that was a plot line that you left severely undeveloped and vague or  it was just useless information. To me, it seemed that JiYong was the one with her all along, explaining Chaerin's love for him. I don't see what the mystery lover has got to do with burdening JiYong with Chaerin. All along, I thought she was an old friend or lover of JiYong. Talking about that, Chaerin's relationship with JiYong is really unclear and vague. Are they ex-lovers or really close friends? It's hazy to the reader because it could be either because she loves him and he obviously cares for her. A little clarification through more detailed flashbacks would help. I also don't understand the part of JiYong leaving for four years. How does that affect the plot? It just seems like needless information. All it really does is just lead into the thoughts of 'Don't leave me.' He didn't need to leave for four years. That part was rather expendable, and I think you could've used other flashbacks to connect it with the whole 'Don't leave me' concept.
Also, I don't understand the whole purpose of the first part. Are those her thoughts when she died? Your plot was nice, there were just some cons to it that took away from the overall brilliance of it such as vagueness and predictability. You can't really do anything about the predictability, but you can remedy the hazy details y elaborating and explaining things in more detail and deleting any needless, expendable information. I still love the tragic ending. I know that I've said this a couple of times already in some other reviews of your stories that I love it when authors have the courage to kill of their characters. Everyone just wants to give their readers a happy ending, so I applaud you for standing out of the crowd with this (predictable, yes, but) amazing, mind-blowing ending.

>>Because English is oh, the hardest to score- English Use

5/10

Okay, firstly, there were a lot of inconsistent verb tenses and incorrect verb tenses. In my opinion, they really detract from the reader's enjoyment because it's just so dang distracting and bothering. You started off in past tense, so try to stick to past tense, please.

There was also a lot of awkward phrasing. For example:

Didn’t know, wouldn’t know…
Couldn’t see.

It doesn't really flow and connect into the last part. My suggestion would be:

Didn't know, wouldn't know...

Because she couldn't see.

There were also a lot of unneeded commas and a lack of commas where they should be. There weren't any spelling errors that caught my eye, but you might want to check for improper word usage. Also, I know dashes give emphasis to the sentence, but there was an overuse here. They didn't give me the intended effect, and some were used where they didn't even have to be used.

Anyways, the really big grammar error was the verb tense inconsistency. Please, please, please try to stick to one tense because a lot of readers/reviewers are really picky about this, and it really takes away from the awesomeness of the story. I myself couldn't enjoy the story to the fullest because of the constantly changing verb tense.

→Define the colour scheme honey- Design/Appearance

5/10

I'll be honest. There were too many font changes in bolding and italics. I know you were trying to differentiate the quotes and stuff, but it was really distracting and messy. Also, I know the quotes were meant to add emphasis to the story, but they just seemed to add more clutter to the story. In fact, the first time I read the story, I just skimmed over them. I think that if you want to add quotes, try centering them so they don't clutter the story and make it confusing to read.

>>Do not disturb the sleeping beauty- Entertainment Value

7/10

It was a short read, so it managed to hold my attention for the whole span of the story. Everything was nice and short. Your style of writing is beautifully suited for this genre. I really love your one-shots. The only thing that I felt a little disappointed about was the cliché and predictable plot, but you made up for that with your beautiful, poised writing. I wasn't able to really enjoy because of the fuzzy details that made me confused.

→This is not just blue- Details

2.5/5

Yeah, I think I stressed on this a lot in this review. Details are so important in shaping a story. A lack or deficit of details will leave the reader confused or lost. More detail also helps the reader really get into the story, to really be with the main character every step of the way, to feel the emotions they feel. Especially for tragedy and angst stories, details are vital. Try to include more subjective details like what the character is feeling (their thoughts) that will help the reader relate to the character.

A.O.B

Wow...It seems that wherever I go, I always encounter a one-shot of yours. What a coincidence. Anyways, I hope that I was not too harsh and offered some helpful advice. These are only my suggestions, and you are in no way obligated to follow them. I really enjoyed reading it~  

Total: 61/100

Credit. Full Stop. 

Additional Comments from lostredroses: 

I don't have much to say here, except I've seen better from you.

You have left many things unexplained in the one-shot and basically it kept readers rather blur about what's happening. 

Some parts don't make sense and when you're revising a plot, revise the foreword too. -.-