Memory In The Rain

Test Review by leejaesun 

Harsh Meter: Mean-Harsh

>>Because my name just isn't Suzy- Title 

7/10

I can't take off too many points considering the title went perfectly with the actual story. However, the title itself was not as creative as it could have been. It was also a bit too…obvious and a giveaway of sorts. Titles are important because they pull the reader in, so attempt a bit more next time. 

→My autobiography isn't written like this- Foreword & Description

10/15

Your description…well…it was not descriptive whatsoever. I understand that this is a one-shot, but you could’ve gone more into depth. Simply reading your description did not draw my attention, though it was a nice sentence. Moving onto the foreword, I felt that it was a perfect introduction to the story. The foreword itself is what actually had me interested in your fanfic. 

>>How can I be known as  Miss Mary-Sue- Characterization

7/20

This is where you sort of started to slip. I have no idea about any of your character’s personalities. Myungsoo just basically tells us what’s going on, and again, you weren’t very descriptive about anything. The girl, Jiyeon, wasn’t even really mentioned beforehand. You just wrote that he loved her, but…well...it was just a confusing read at that point. Then when you bring in Jaejoong, he sort of just confessed to her, asked her for a chance, and then drives away, disappearing? I really felt that this had no connection to the story. It could have, if you were just a bit more detail oriented. Also the way Myungsoo told the story? It was boring, to be quite honest with you. No offense, but at some points I had to force myself to keep reading, even though it was a one-shot. There seems to be a lack of feeling behind the way you write, and readers can easily tell.

→Overratedness cannot be closer- Plot & Originality 

5/20 + 4/10 

Plot: In all honesty, this plot has been a bit overdone. A guy falls for girl, girl doesn’t like him, and the girl goes for the brother instead. However, you managed to put a certain twist on it, so I guess it’s alright. There’s not much to say except that more creativity is definitely needed here. You’re trying to write an angsty story, but everything was pretty much dead. It needs more emotion for sure.

Originality: Wow, okay, I feel bad for this, but in reality, I’ve seen a few fics that are similar to yours. You don’t want to have one of those overused story ideas, right? Well then you have some stuff to fix. I can’t tell you how many fanfics there are written about this topic. Don’t believe me? You can check. You really need something that will make people look at you story and go: “Wow, this is so different and I really want to read this.” Your story, however, was lacking this certain oomph needed to make it interesting to read. 

>>Because English is oh, the hardest to score- English Use

9/10

Your grammar here was almost flawless! OTL 
I really noticed that the most when I was reading. It was absolutely amazing and brought tears to my eyes how well you wrote your story. There were some times where things were phrased a bit strangely, so I took off a point for that, but other than that, congratulations! I loved it!

→Define the colour scheme honey- Design/Appearance

6/10

The poster was very nice, but I could barely see the watch. I literally had to squint because I noticed something that was a bit red and when I looked closer I realized there was a watch. I like how you made them be in the rain, but maybe it’s a bit too foggy? I mean, I can barely see the characters and other objects (i.e. the watch) that you attempted to add in because it’s so faded. Also, there was no background, but I won’t nitpick. No points taken off for that. 

>>Do not disturb the sleeping beauty- Entertainment Value

5/10

Like I’ve mentioned before, I had to force myself to continue reading at times because of the lack of feeling. You can’t just slap down some sophisticated vocabulary, add a love interest and call it a good story. No. That’s absolutely not acceptable. What’s the point of writing it if the characters’ emotions cannot be felt? What’s the point if the characters are not described well enough? What about what the readers think? You think they’re going to be satisfied with such an unemotional piece of work? No, they’re not. The whole point is for them to be entertained when reading your story, and that’s exactly what didn’t happen with me. 

→This is not just blue- Details

2/5

Here we go again with the details. You need to be way more descriptive with such a nice story. I love the actual idea that went behind making it, but you just couldn’t convey the story to us in good enough way. Again, I stress the importance of emotion; which is something your story is lacking. 

A.O.B.

Please, please, please just add some more emotions to your story. It would be a beautiful fic if you had just managed to capture some feelings of your characters. To be honest, I was a bit disappointed after I read it because I was expecting something grand that would sweep me off of my feet. Sadly, I was not swept away, but am still standing here shaking my head at the potential of this story that’s just went down the drain. 

Total: 55/100

Credit. Full-Stop. 

Additional Comments from lostredroses: 

I'm just going to say it here: I'm disappointed.
Your plot didn't, as leejaesun said, have that oomph factor I hoped your story would have judging from your rather well crafted description/foreword. I was expecting a full-blown angst story- and no, death and unrequited love by itself doesn't make a fic angst. Rightfully pointed out, your fic lacked a lot of emotions that would have brought this fic to greater heights- a story that could potentially pull tears. 
Personally, I found the basis of your story not too bad. It had potential. You lacked the dynamics that could pull your story up- namly characteristics, emotions and details. 

Firstly, what's the whole deal about Jaejoong? He was supposed to be a complication to the relationship- as like the parents- but the whole thing was too under described, branding it underrated. You simply- plainly- described, rather drily, about the complications, the parents, Jaejoong... but nothing. There was no impact to what you were trying to achieve- no build up of drama. I'm not too sure if there was drama. The whole story was boring- and the reader couldn't FEEL the emotion, you get what I'm saying here? Like you could have connected the reader to the story by describing EMOTIONS, but you didn't. And that's what made your story boring. 

Also, your characters are not relatable. For one. Jiyeon was a beauty, kind, selfless and had brains. (Perfection)  Next, the other characters were simply too far away to feel what the character's are feeling. This is a huge problem- because it's an angst story. 

The ending about hallucinating was also not very surprising because of your little hints and the way you introduced it. There was no impact- you get me? 

Your whole story lacked details throughout. Myungsoo is NOT a narrator. He is someone who witnessed his love dead- he is someone who caused his wife to die. I'm sure he feels worse than this. I see how you tried to link the story to rain, but personally to me, I felt that the way you linked it to rain made it too 'brush-off' like. Like, Rain. Yeah Rain. I just hate rain because it took Jiyeon away from me. Boo Hoo. 

See?