“Donghae just gave me a dozen roses this morning and sang me a song with his guitar. He is just so romantic. I must be one of the luckiest people in the world to have a boyfriend as caring as he is.”

“You’re so lucky. I haven’t heard a word from Doojoon since last week. I was hoping that we could do something special today.”

I see that today is the 14^th of February once more. How sickening it is to see people frolicking through the streets with roses in their arms, boasting about how they’re so loved and special. I am willing to bet that there are some people who have bought their own bouquets and claimed that an anonymous or secret admirer had given it to them. It was only one day in the year when the price of roses and small little bears holding hearts would sky rocket to unbelievably high prices, and yet in the eyes of the society, it is seen as ‘understandable’.

“You seem a little dull today. Didn’t get any gifts today?”

A ‘friend’ of mine happened to be accompanying me as I walked down the streets. To her, I was her friend, but to me, she was no more than an annoying pet wanting food and affection.

“I do not wish to receive any, nor do I plan to give any either,” I answered back in a cold harsh tone. The friend of mine chuckled heartily and slapped me hard against my back. Her strength was beyond what an average female would be and would probably be on par with those body building males in the gyms.

“Aw, come on Jess. It’s the day to spread the love. At least show a smile to brighten the mood.”

“I’m exercising my facial muscles,” I replied back bluntly. It’s a fact that frowning takes a lot more muscles than smiling. Maybe that’s why the food lovers are always so jolly.

“You’re like the Scrooge and Grinch of Valentine’s Day. Maybe three ghosts would visit you or maybe a little girl will hop on your sleigh.”

I found her sense of humour rather lame. I did not always despise this day of love.  In fact, I was part of the crowd of lovesick romantics. I got excited when receiving gifts. I boasted about the people who cared for me and talked for weeks about how I spent my valentine’s day. This would be my second year of despising this day. It was a day to share love, but I had completely lost my ability to share that love.

Whether I would be able to return to what I was before remains a mystery.

“Well, I have to meet up with my fiancé now. He promised to take me out in thirty minutes. I wonder what he has planned this year,” the friend of mine clapped her hands excitedly. My heart clenched at her words as they brought up unnecessary thoughts. They didn’t understand me. They don’t realise that what they do is inconsiderate towards me. If only they knew what this day meant to me.

“I don’t want to hear about it,” I answered her in a tired tone. Knowing the girl, she would keep guessing about what her ‘dear beloved fiancé’ would be planning for her and the conversation would go on for God knows how long before she realises she’s late and leaves abruptly to her meeting place. Happened all too regularly with her other past dates.

“Well, I’ll see you around then. Maybe cupid would target those who are alone more than those with friends.”

Cupid. The angel of love who shoots heart shaped arrows at people just to toy with their hearts and feelings. Had it been cupid who shot the arrow at me? Was it against my will to fall for cupid’s arrow?

I sighed heavily as my acquaintance ran off into the distance. From what I remember, Valentine was a saint. I don’t understand how a baby angel shooting weapons came into this day related to a saint. Using weapons as a tool to force two people to love each other. I do not see anything romantic in that sense. People are just blinded by society’s expectations for roses, chocolates and overpriced mini-bears.

Roses. How many rose bushes have been stripped of their only beauty just to satisfy one’s need to show affection? To be more specific, red roses. Everywhere in the florists’ shops, you see red, pink and even more red. I see it as a discrimination against white roses. No one wants the white roses even though the only difference between a red and white rose was its colour. It mirrors the society that we live in today.

It has to be specific. It has to be precise. Everything has to go according to the social law.

But of course, there were a small few who would go against those laws. I admit that I am part of those few. I did not wish for a red or pink rose. Instead, I wanted a white rose.

Valentine’s Day is a day when red would take over the colour hierarchy. Lust, passion, love. But I did not wish for those factors in the rose I were to buy. Instead I wanted innocence, purity and cleanliness. Nothing expresses those qualities any more than a white rose.

She was so innocent and so pure. Her speech, actions and thoughts would never be hurtful ones. She was timid and well-mannered but at the same time, proud and outgoing. Her smile would be the light of my world as her eyes would be my guide.

“May I help you?” a man interrupted my thoughts as I stood before a florist shop.

“I’m fine.” I turned my body around to face the window of the shop and stared at my reflection as the man beside me gave me an odd glance.

“You seemed lost so I thought I might be able to help,” he continued. I don’t know whether cupid was shooting off spare arrows, but I could see that this man wanted to do more than just ‘help’ me.

“This is my suburb,” I answered back bluntly. The man happened to get the hint that I did not wish to speak to him and awkwardly walked away with a disappointed expression.

I focused back onto my reflection in the window. I really was lost. I had no light to see and no guide to follow left in this world. I was lost in complete darkness. How did I manage to find my way through the year of being blind and confused?

“May I help you, Miss?” the shop assistant stood beside me with a wide grin on her face. I placed both my hands into my pocket as I scanned across the shop, trying to find my reason for walking here.

“Do you happen to have any white roses?” I asked her when I saw no sign of innocence in the store. The assistant gave me an odd stare. I understood what she was thinking. Why would someone buy a white rose on a day like Valentine’s Day?

“Might I suggest you bring a red rose instead of a white rose to your receiver? The white roses are usually use for funerals and other events. Definitely not a sign of affection on this day,” the assistant advised awkwardly. I smiled mockingly at what she had told me. Oh how close she was to the truth but yet she was so far away.

“I’m sure a white rose will suffice. It’s for an anniversary,” I answered vaguely once more. This shop still needed to make business so the assistant seemed to hesitate.

“I don’t think a white rose would suffice for an anniversary.”

I sighed heavily. People are so quick to judge in today’s culture. It causes so much misconception and inconvenience to people like me. She could have just told me whether she had white roses or not, but instead she decides to persuade me into picking the ‘better’ option. I knew what I wanted; I did not need someone else to advise me of what I should buy.

“I think it would fit perfectly. Now do you have white roses or not?” I asked harshly. I was losing my patience with the people around me and I so desperately wanted to find comfort and relief away from this fake culture.

“Yes we do, however we don’t have that many.”

Finally, a proper answer. Now I was one step closer to escaping reality and finding comfort.

“I’ll buy what you have.” I walked past the confused assistant and stood before the cashier. The assistant proceeded to the back of the shop to bring out the bouquet of white roses. She was hesitant upon selling it but she still had a job to serve the customers with what they want and for me, I wanted white roses.

I paid for the roses and waited as she changed the money and continued to place a bow around the bouquet. She then proceeded to taking a paper and pen and writing a message on it.

‘Happy Anniversary’

I stopped her as soon as I saw what she was writing.

“It’s not that kind of anniversary,” I told her abruptly. She looked at me with a surprised expression and slowly placed her pen down as though she had a gun stuck to her head. I picked up the bouquet of roses and examined them in my hands. A sad smile slowly started to appear on my lips as I remembered the reason behind the roses.

“It’s a death anniversary,” I told her before walking out of the shop.

Alas, whilst everyone was celebrating with their loves, I was mourning with my own forbidden love. They say that the forbidden fruit is the sweetest fruit of them all, but with that sweetness there’s a consequence. My punishment for taking the bite of the apple was to lose all that was important to me. The forbidden fruit was all that I wanted and by taking a bite, I had completely devoured it. The apple would not return. Once something is eaten, it will not be the same anymore.

A bite, a nibble or a mouthful, it didn’t make a difference. The smallest tarnish on the forbidden fruit would cause it to disappear. If only I had admired the fruit. If only I had kept my temptations, the fruit would still exist. It was all too late now. That one taste of the forbidden fruit had caused my damnation.

I lifted the roses up to examine them once more as I walked through the gates. Passing the other unfortunate monuments, I came across a relatively new one. Her name was engraved onto the stone as the date was etched underneath.

‘9^th March 1989 – 14^th February 2012’

“Hey, Taeyeon. I bought you these roses. I didn’t find it appropriate to buy red ones for you today since you always found white a more calming colour,” I whispered to the grave before me as I placed the rose next to it.

I didn’t know what else to say in that moment. I just stared at the stone with the engraved words.

Kim Taeyeon
9th March 1989 – 14th February 2012

‘Between people who truly care and love each other, there are times where you don’t need to say anything at all’

Do I need to say anything within this moment? Do you truly care and love me as I do?

I laughed at my inconsiderate thoughts. It was because she cared for me more, loved me more and cherished me more that this stone before me exists. She had taken a bite of the forbidden fruit before I could. A crime is not a crime in the eyes of the world unless it is revealed to the public. I didn’t reveal to the world about my sins with the fruit, and neither did she. Instead, she was caught. She was caught taking a bite of the fruit and was condemned.

I hated the society in which we lived in. Love was an act between two different genders to them. To them, love is just the ability to continue the human race without having to hate the person who created the next generation with you. It doesn’t make sense when people talk about love between two different genders, but when the topic changes to two same genders love becomes completely irrelevant.

Love is unnatural between two of the same kind. Love is only reserved between a man and woman. Love is…

Pointless.

What use is there to falling in love if there were restrictions on how we are to fall? It’s like telling someone that they are to sneeze only when it meets a certain criteria. It is not under our control as to how we fall and yet people judge those who have fallen in the ‘opposite’ direction.

I stared at the stone before me intensely. Hate for those responsible was burning through my veins. I did not see it fit as to why one would have to suffer for falling backwards rather than forwards. And what made it seem even more unfair was that I was not condemned for falling backwards either. No one had seen me falling. No one but her.

“Taeyeon, you have no idea how much I want you back right now,” I whispered as I bent down and placed my lips onto the top of the stone. I felt a lone tear fall from my cheeks and onto the stone as a sign of weakness showed through my body. I was over the stage of crying. I had told myself that just months ago.

But I couldn’t help but feel as though the world was unfair. Everyone was free to express their love under one condition. The expression of love must be towards the opposite gender.

I hated this day more than any other day in the calendar. It just emphasized the fact that I was not free to celebrate my love, she was not free to express her love and we were not free to show our love.

I sat down beside the stone and fiddled with the ribbon of the roses. White roses represented innocence, purity and cleanliness. They’re untainted with the colours of emotion and are instead all equal in the amount of light it reflects. White does not discriminate. It reflects all colours equally and do not care for any type of classification. If only society was as pure as these Valentine roses.

I would not be sitting here with a mourning heart and she would not have had to go through all that pain of being judged.

12^th February 2012

“Jessica, I’m scared.”

“Taeyeon, calm down. Every will be fine, trust me.”

“I’m hated by everyone around me. I no longer have any rights to anything anymore. I can’t buy food from the local store, I can’t walk into places nearby and I can’t even say what I want during a conversation. I’m treated as nothing in this world Jess; I don’t want to be nothing.”

I clenched my fists together tightly as I placed my arms around her. Usually this would be an act which would calm her down but she seemed to have stiffened even more and even pushed away from my embrace. I was hurt that she refused me but I had to be understanding. It was because we were like this that she was suffering in such a way.

“I don’t know how long I can last. My rent has now doubled due to ‘additional taxes’ and the effort I put into everything I do is being completely ignored.”

“Taeyeon, everything’s going to be alright. They’ll understand us soon enough. It just takes time,” I whispered into her ears gently. I lifted my hands up to her cheeks and wiped away the excess tears from her eyes. She was always so strong, so confident before. She would always take the initiative to take my hand and lead me to unknown places. But that was no longer the case.

Even when I tried to hold her hand, she’s reluctant to respond back. When I initiate the hugs and signs of affection, she tends to take a step back or push me away. I knew the reason behind the sudden change. I knew it all too well.

We had been caught by one of her co-workers during one of our rare dates. The news spread fast as so did the judgments. Taeyeon was stripped of her rights and was mocked for being who she was.

“You don’t regret falling for me, do you?” I asked her timidly. I was scared of her answer. I was scared that she would fall into society’s pressure. I was petrified of what would become of me if I were to be let go.

“Not in a million years,” was her answer. She placed a soft chaste kiss on my cheek and smile slightly as our eyes locked gazes. It wasn’t fair how we were not allowed to be who we were. What we had was no different from what others had, if not more. I was part of the society many years before but the feelings I had for those men were nothing compared to what I had for her.

“Just ignore what they say. All that matters is that you have me, as I have you,” I reassured her with a tight and affectionate hug. I felt her chin rub against my shoulder twice as she nodded before returning the hug with her own arms.

I thought that’s all we needed. I just needed to be with her, to protect her. The world likes to pick on the weak and inferior. We were nothing without each other because we depended so much on our other half. The world around us was not there to help us, so we had no choice but to share everything between only the two of us.

But alas, there came essentials to live in the world. Essentials like food and shelter were needed and to provide for those, you needed money.

14^th February 2012

“You dirty little wretch.”

“It’s dykes like you who pollute our planet.”

“Unnatural wh*re.”

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Valentine’s Day was supposed to be a day in which we express our love for each other. It’s a day when everyone is giddy and jolly with the gifts they received.

But what I saw was far from ‘expressing love’.

“Hey! What are you doing to her?!” I yelled as I barged between the crowds towards the helpless Taeyeon in the middle of the crowd. Her hair was an absolute mess as I could see red marks around her arms and a distinct hand mark against her cheek. The blood was boiling beneath my skin as I stared at the people surrounding us.

“So you must be the other half,” one of them mocked. I helped Taeyeon to her feet, ignoring the remarks and glances that the people were given me.

“Taeyeon-ah, are you okay?” I asked as I placed a soft kiss on the injured cheek. She flinched and moved away from my touch as she used her hands to hug her body tightly. I let go of her shoulders quickly so that she would not react in shock or fear towards my touch.

So these were the people who were causing Taeyeon’s change. They were the reason she was scared of me.

“I see that our discipline is slowly starting to take effect,” one of the females chuckled. I clenched my jaw and fists at her words. They stung like daggers with ragged edges piercing my skin. It irritated me that they would call this ‘discipline’ when clearly it was beyond abuse. I turned around and faced the crowd with an enraged expression.

“I see you are the man of this relationship?” the woman mocked. The irritating woman reached for the table beside her and held out a mangled bouquet of roses that I had delivered earlier this morning. She passed it to one of the co-workers as they harshly threw the flowers towards Taeyeon. Taeyeon flinched away from the flowers and stood as far away as she could from the people surrounding her.

“What happens in our relationship doesn’t concern you,” I growled towards her in a menacing tone. The crowd did not waver at my threatening tone. Instead they just smirked and glanced back at Taeyeon who was obviously traumatised from the beating she had just received. I glanced over at her and watched her cautiously in case she was to react to some movement.

As I continued to watch, I could see that she was slowly breaking down. Tears were flowing from her eyes as her hands were holding onto her head tightly. She shook her head furiously from side to side before crouching down into a protective position.

“I see that Taeyeon is beginning to see the error of her ways,” a worker from the back laughed. The whole crowd joined in as they felt proud for ‘helping’ Taeyeon. They were wrong. They were very, very wrong. Taeyeon was not beginning to see the error of her ways. She was remembering the errors of society’s ways. It haunts her regularly. I witness it every day when she sees me. She’s paranoid about what the world would do and was scared of what would happen to her.

“You people are sick b*stards,” I muttered under my breath before walking over to Taeyeon. Before I could even reach her, two pairs of arms held me back as the mocking woman stood before me once more.

“We cannot have you ruin Taeyeon’s process. Without you, Taeyeon would be normal once more. She’s already rethinking about what you’ve done to her, don’t you think you’ve ruined her life enough?”

I despised this woman to the depths of my soul.

“Just to speed up the process, we shall finally show Taeyeon what it means to be a dyke,” the woman gave me a menacing smile before I was pulled back three feet. She then held a razor that was used for layering hair up in her right hand. My stomach fell into the pits of my gut as I saw two men approach Taeyeon.

“Stop! What are you doing to her?!” I struggled against the grips on my arms as I tried to barge at the men; however the hold on me was too strong. The woman took a step to the aside and forced me to watch as the men grabbed hold onto Taeyeon’s arms. Taeyeon thrashed against their hold, desperate to escape but her weak state did not even allow her to move their arms.

“No. Get away from me!” Taeyeon yelled as the woman approached her.

“You want to be a man Taeyeon? I’ll show you what it means to be a ‘man’,” the woman smiled evilly as she grabbed a fistful of Taeyeon’s hair. I pulled against the restraints on my arm once more and managed to take a step forward but onto to fall backwards when the two men yanked on my arms harshly.

“Stop!” Taeyeon screamed with tear filled eyes as the woman ran the blade across her hair. A handful of hair was dropped onto the floor as the devil picked up another fistful, this time yanking it hard against Taeyeon’s scalp.

“Please, stop!” Taeyeon pleaded. I could feel myself break into many small pieces as I was forced to watch her suffer. Handful after handful, hair was scattered all across the floor. The yells and screams of Taeyeon did not cease as the woman yanked harder with each handful.

“That’s the hair done,” she dropped the last handful of hair with an accomplished smile.

“You bloody wh*re!” I screamed at her. The woman just shrugged and ran the razor along Taeyeon’s upper chest.

“Do you still wish to be a man Taeyeon?” the woman asked slyly. Taeyeon did not answer. She was lost beyond all hope. Taeyeon was no longer there. I could see it in her eyes. The Taeyeon I knew was murdered within her.

The woman then proceeded to run the blade to cut open Taeyeon’s clothes. A hand was forced over my mouth as the torture continued. The blade then cut open Taeyeon’s bra and left her bare for all eyes to see. This was against all laws of human rights.

“I guess I shall show you what you need to do to become a real man, Taeyeon.”

The blade dug into Taeyeon’s skin under her collar bone. I screamed against the hand over my mouth for her to stop as I saw the blade break the skin.

“The boss is back!” a sudden yell interrupted the whole scene. The workers hurriedly started cleaning up the mess of papers and tables whilst the woman with the blade merely took the blade off and placed it into a nearby bin. The men holding me let go of their grasp and hurriedly hid Taeyeon’s hair on the floor.

“You and your wh*re can leave. Don’t let me find another dyke step foot into this building again,” the woman growled before returning to her work station. I did not have to hear that twice to react.

I quickly ran over to Taeyeon and placed my jacket around her bare upper half and placed my arms protectively around her.

“I can’t take it anymore Jess,” Taeyeon sobbed in my arms. I hushed her quietly as I wanted to take her away from the building as soon as possible. I would not have believed that in the advanced world we live in, there would be people like THEM who exist.

“Taeyeon, don’t worry. I’m here. You don’t have to see those people again. Just, calm down,” I hushed her as soon as I placed her into the car. I pulled back; ready to get into the driver’s seat when she pulled me back towards her.

“Jess, why can’t they understand us?” she sobbed into my neck. I picked her up slightly from the seat and placed myself under her as I closed the door of the car to seclude ourselves from the outer world. Taeyeon continued to sob in my neck and all I could do was pat her gently on her back. What was I to say in this situation? What was I to do?

“We understand each other, right? Isn’t that enough?” I hugged her tightly in my embrace.

“I really do love you Jessica. I really do, but I don’t know what to do right now.”

I remained silent. I was at a loss for words.

Taeyeon was sitting on top of me after being abused by the members of the society because of her ual orientation. Her hair was badly cut and her chest was bleeding, along with all the bruises that were to form the day after. It was unfair. Taeyeon had to suffer through all this and yet I did not get a single part of it. Instead, my punishment was to watch as Taeyeon suffered because of me, because of us.

“I’ll think of something… I promise.”

I should never make promises that I can’t keep. I was never the fast type when it came to thinking. One maths question would take me at least half a lesson to understand. I was always late when it came to the important things.

This was no different.

Evening had arrived and I had finally thought of a plan. Taeyeon was in our room getting some very much needed rest whilst I was outside, preparing my plan. I didn’t want Taeyeon to have to suffer any more than she did so I decided that I would wake her up and proceed with the plan immediately.

My timing was never the best. In fact, it could be a contestant for one of the worst.

As I stepped into our room, I saw that the bed was neatly made with a note on top of it.

‘I can’t take it anymore Jessica. This world doesn’t accept people like me.
They try to change who I am and try to torture me into changing me.
They condemned me and abused me in hopes that my feelings for you would change.
In all honesty, I had thought of that. I tried to break the feelings I have for you but no matter how much I try, I end up giving up again.
I can’t live in a world where I am not accepted for who I am, and I cannot live on without you.
I apologise sincerely for when you read this note, it would be all too late.
I’m sorry for doing this selfish act but I want to be able to keep my feelings for you until the end of my time. I do not wish for these feelings to change and to do that, I should end it now.
I will forever love you Jessica, but in the world I’m going, I will not have to suffer the pain of the world any longer. Forgive my selfish acts but I cannot live a second longer. I’ve tried. I tried so that I could spend more time with you, but in the end, I’m not strong enough.

I do not regret what happened between us. I just regret that we were born in the wrong society. If in the next life we happen to meet, I’m sure that I shall feel the same as I do now. It will take time to develop these feelings again, but I’m sure that it will happen.
Don’t follow me into this path Jessica. I do not wish to see you with me right now. I need to make myself stronger in order to be with you and to do that I need time.

Forgive me again for being selfish.
I shall make it up to you in my next life.

Please remember that I love you and I do not regret a single moment I’ve been with you.’

I was too late.

Present Day

If only you had waited for me. If only I was faster. If only…

There were so many possibilities that could have prevented this day, the day in which I would sit in front of a gravestone and remember the events of a year before. I would have joined Taeyeon if it were not for her request. She needed time for herself.

When would she be ready to see me again? Another year or two perhaps?

I am just waiting for that moment when I would join her again in a world with no unfair discrimination. I hated the world I lived in now. It was because of them that Taeyeon is no longer of this world. It’s because they’re so narrow minded that they do not open themselves up to all the possibilities.

It’s because of this society that I wander this world alone with no purpose.

Taeyeon, when are you ready for me?

When can I see you again?

“Miss, are you okay?” a voice jolted me back from my thoughts. I looked up to see an elderly man looking at me with concern.

“She must have been very special to you,” he commented as he looked at Taeyeon’s grave. I stood up defensively between the man and Taeyeon but I quickly quietened down. What use is there to be defensive when there was nothing left to defend?

“The world isn’t so bad, young Miss. I can see that you are deeply hurt by losing someone special, but never waste your life to follow them,” the man said slowly. Jessica scoffed at the man’s words and fixed the placement of the white roses.

“What’s left in this world? I’ve seen the true nature of this society; I do not wish to delve in any further.”

“Ah, but that’s where you are mistaken,” the man placed a flower before Taeyeon’s grave and bowed his head slightly. I glared at the man. What right did he have to be here? If he knew of what Taeyeon was to me, or what I was to her, he would probably dig her up and throw her into a lion’s cage.

“My granddaughter was a very special girl. She was confident in everything she did, but when it came to her personal experiences, she’s paranoid,” the man continued. I stared at the man with confusion. From what I remember, Taeyeon didn’t have any family supporting her when they found out about our relationship. She was disowned and abandoned immediately the next day.

“She has my personality. She’s open minded about many things but she finds it stressful when she compared her own thoughts to the world’s thoughts. Being smart and diligent, she liked having the right answers, but when the answer was not clear, or did not exist, she panicked.”

“What’s your point? You can’t possibly be her grandfather, her family abandoned her,” I growled under my breath. The old man chuckled and shook his head slowly.

“I had no clue of the happenings. It was only six months ago when I realised what happened. Everything would be so different if I were old beforehand,” the man sighed. I still did not believe him.

“Believe what you wish. I am not here to tell you this stuff about me. I can see that you’re struggling to co-operate with the world. I can see the life in her eyes wanted to leave into the afterlife.”

I took a step back from the crazy old man.

“Knowing my granddaughter being like me, I would advise you to not rush yourself. Ignore the world and instead, use the world to your own benefit. Grow stronger with each day and when the time comes, you shall reunite.” With that, the old man slowly walked away from the grave.

I did not believe he was Taeyeon’s grandfather, but I did believe that there was something important in that speech he gave me.

Just as Taeyeon was getting stronger in the other world, I should build my strength in this world. I shall grow stronger and protect her whenever she needs me. I have failed once, I shall not fail again.

“Taeyeon-ah, please wait for me,” I placed one more kiss onto the stone before standing up with a small smile on my face.

Ignore the world. Use the world to my own benefit. I am me and no one can change that. Taeyeon left before me so that we could have time for ourselves. We are to build our strengths without any judgement on our relationship.

I still love Taeyeon. She still is my love, but the world doesn’t need to know.

As long as Taeyeon knows and I know, that’s enough for me.

When we meet again one day, our strengths shall make us invincible. The world doesn’t matter. It’s just a training ground in which we use to our advantage.

I took one rose from the bouquet of white roses. I found a new meaning to these. They’re my new sign of courage and strength. A white canvas to build upon. White is not affected by any other colours or factors of the world. White is just white.

Valentine’s Day usually has the symbol of a red rose.

To me, it is now Valentine’s white rose that gives meaning to me.