1st time…
‘Do you love me?’ That was the first question I asked you. Not; who are you? How are you? Or even, can we be friends? It just a simple ‘Do you love me?’

I could still remember it… we were inside a café. You were sitting alone and in one glance I fell in love with you. I realized then that I believe in love at first sight. I went over to the counter and ordered a cup of coffee, instructing the worker to write the words on top of the coffee with choco syrup, perfectly. Finally, I received the cup. I walked over to your table and sat down with no invitation. I placed the cup of coffee directly in front of you and your eyes read the message there. ‘DO U ♥ ME?’

 "Do you love me?" I asked you out loud, staring directly into your dark brown eyes. You smiled at me, seeming to appreciate my bluntness as your eyes shone happiness.

"Yes… even if you would ask me for 100 times. I would say yes, I love you." I smiled at your answer, touched your cheek softly and said. "I love you too…"

***

15th time…
"I wonder why she did that…" I said out loud, perplexed by the sacrifice of the heroine from the movie we watched had done for her lover.

"Maybe because she can't live without her lover." You answered, squeezing my hand gently.

"I bet you can't live without me too." I joked as I held your gaze.

"Hm..maybe…" You answered, looking thoughtful.

Then the question rece more to the tip of my tongue. "Do you love me?" With no hesitation you kissed my cheek and whispered into my ear.

"Yes… even if you would ask me for 100 times. I would say yes, I love you." I smiled and held your hands in mine.

The question and the answer might be repetitive, but one does find comfort in a habit.

 

***

36rd time…
“Baby, I wanna be your lover, my first love..” I sang out loud, staring straight at you inside the Karaoke Bar. "I wanna be your only my first love..” I moved closer towards you as you grinned at me, loving my undivided attention. "I’m scared whether you will go away if I get close to you.." I leaned towards you, as I held your hand. "My heart is shouting that I love you..” Your doe-eyes shimmered like a star. So pretty that I can drown in them. “You’re always on my mind, my first love. I’ll cherish you preciously, my first love..”  I held the microphone close to my mouth, shouting lively. "Do you love me!?" Giving me a mischievous smirk, you grabbed the mic and jumped onto your chair. Looking all around the Bar, you announced. "Ladies and gentlemen! I want all of you to hear my answer! Yes!" You shouted happily as you grinned at me. "Even if you would ask me for 100 times. YES! I love you!" Thunderous applause followed your short speech and I could not help but blush as you give me a kiss on the lips…


 

***

49th time…
I stared at the matching rings on our finger. Genuine diamonds sparkled on them.

I looked out the balcony as I moved to your side. "Does this mean forever?"

You held my hand hesitantly. "It means everything you want it to mean." An electrical current passed through our clasped hands.

"I'm not trapped?" I questioned silently as I heard you sigh in sorrow. Your eyes trapped mine, filled with love and unrivaled pain.

"I don't own you… You can still leave. We are not yet married."

The stars shone like broken glass. If I reached for them… touched them. Would they rip me apart? I stared at your attractive face and tantalizing per dots stared back at me. Do I love you? I asked myself in my mind. I wanted to ask you the question again. Then I gazed at you, and in my eyes you saw the same words that were written on that cup of coffee long ago… Your eyes locked with mine and I saw the same answer in them.

"Yes… even if you would ask me for 100 times. I would say yes, I love you…"
 

***

62nd time…
Japan is far away, and so are you. Do you miss me? Why did you have to leave and why did I have to stay? Why does jealousy engulf your heart? I stared at your reply letter. I sent you one last week. I raised it up to my face and smelled a trace of your scent. I remember the time you left. "I'll come back immediately." You promised as you embraced me. "I'll wait." I promised slowly as I remembered the past few weeks. I felt trapped during those weeks. You ALWAYS wanted me to be beside you. Never to leave your side. At first I was flattered but then your jealousy became worse… I actually felt slightly happy when you left. We needed time, for ourselves –Away from each other.

I read the letter you sent and sighed. The same answer… to the same question…


Yes… even if you would ask me for 100 times….
I would say yes…
I love you…

-Ara-


 

***

76th time…
"I’m back." You whispered happily as I welcomed you back with an open arms into our home. I missed you… your presence. The way you would wake me up everyday with a kiss on my nose and tell me goodnight with a soft kiss on my cheek. How you would serve me a warm glass of milk every night before we go to bad and a cup of hot coffee when my eyes finally open after a delicious slumber while wrapped in your arms. The way you would look at me with your eyes like I'm the center of the universe and everything else is just the background. "I missed you…" I admitted hesitantly as I looked at you. Your eyes are tired. Like the ashes of a steadily dying fire…

You lay down on the bed, your back pressed against mine. As our thought afraid to face each other. Afraid to see the truth in each other’s eyes..? What is the truth? I know you love me and I still love you. What are we so afraid of? "Do you love me?" I asked silently as I closed my eyes. A long moment has passed, and I was beginning to get sleepy. But before I fell into unconsciousness I heard you answer. The same, as always.

"Yes… even if you would ask me for 100 times. I would say yes, I love you…"
 

***

99th time…
"Let go off me!" I shouted loudly as I struggled against your strong grip. "Why!? So you can cheat on me again?" You shot back angrily as you released me. "Yah! I just smile at someone and you already think I'm flirting!? Why don't you trust me?" I shrieked as I yanked the front door of our house open, and walked out. "Why should I trust you!?" You bellowed as you followed me outside. "Do you love me?" I asked as I started to walk towards my car, across the street. You grabbed my arm and turned me around to face you. Your eyes similar to the menacing dark clouds before a storm. "Yes! I always have! Even if you would ask me for 100 times. I would say yes, I love you!" "Then trust me Ara-ya! TRUST ME! Stop suffocating me with your presence! Stop being so over protective! So possessive! Don't forget that you don't own me!" I shouted hysterically as I felt tears sting on my eyes. Your tears began to flow too… It feels like I can almost hear your heart breaking.

"I know… I know I don't own you. I wake up every day facing the fact that I can easily lose you! You keep asking me if I love you, but now let me be the one to know. Let me be the one who will be assured...  Song Juhee, do you love me?" I bit my lip in surprise. For the first time, I'm the one who is faced with the question. And now I'm the one who needs to answer. Do I love you? But before I could answer, I heard a loud blaring sound. My body froze. Your hands shot out and pushed me. I felt myself fall backward… everything seemed to be in slow motion. I watched as the truck hit you, I watched as you flew… I wanted to close my eyes, but I couldn't even blink. Your body landed – unconscious, a few meters away. I watched as blood trickled down from your face. I heard someone shouting… screaming loudly, hysterically…

A long moment passed before I realized that it was me who’d screaming…
 

***

100th time…
I traced your dark eyebrows, taking great care not to harm you. The doctor told me that you are still in comma. Dying in your coma. I moved my forefinger across your soft lips – remembering how gentle they felt against my own. Doing my best to memorize your every feature. Why did you do it? Why did you save my life and risk your own? If you did not do it, it would be so much easier to leave you, to forget you, to stop loving you… to just move on. But you saved me and now I can't leave you. Even if there is no chance for you to wake up.

I hunched over, burying my face on the soft blanket that covered your limp body. I began crying once more. It has become a habit now. Tears would fall every time I would see your unconscious form. I sobbed loudly, controlling the urge to seize your shoulders and shake you until you would wake up. I grabbed the bed sheets, my grip tightening as sobs wracked my entire body. "You- you didn't hear me say it Ara-ya… you didn't even hear me say that… yes. I love you…" "Really..?” A weak voice spoke, startled, I looked up and see your eyes were open as it was staring straight at me. "Why? Why did you do it?" I asked. Not ashamed to beg for your answer. "Why did you risk your life to save mine?" Your hand fit perfectly with my own. "Maybe because it is true…" I confusedly gazed at you, trying to hide my impatience. "What's true Ara-ya? Tell me, please…" Your eyes sought onto mine, a mirror of undeniable love. "That I can't live without you…" "Do you love me?" I whispered as I had a strange feeling that this will be the last time that I will ask you and also the last time that you will answer. "Yes… even if you would ask me for 100 times. Yes, I love you Song Juhee." I tenderly placed my head on your chest. Listening to your weak beating heart. Your arms draped over my shoulders. Giving me a weak but reassuring squeeze, I could hear you whisper. "I'm so tired. I want to… I need to sleep…" I held onto your blanket, tighter than ever. "Please don't… don't close your eyes. Please…"I screamed loudly into your chest. "I won't…" You promised me softly. Then your arm fell from my shoulder and your heart… your heart just stopped beating. I felt tears flow down my cheeks. I wished with all my heart that you were just sleeping and that your heartbeat was just too weak for me to hear.

I looked up and saw that your eyes were open. In them, I accepted the truth. Like the hawk, you have flown away. Your eyes are now empty, dead. And I can't bear to look at them. The love they once had has now vanished with you. Gently, I closed your eyes with my hand. your cheek, I continued crying. "Why?" I felt something tighten in my stomach. I was sad, yes, but there was another feeling. I held my stomach, I felt like vomiting. I hate myself at this moment.

You want to know why? It's because I feel relieved… I feel relieved that you died. Don't get me wrong, I do love you… I really do. I'm just relieved because… because I'm afraid… I'm afraid that if I would ask you for the 101st time, your answer would not be the same.

Your answer would be so much different…

Right?

...