You were startled when the doorbell of your apartment rang. You lift your head up from your knees. You stood up from the sofa, and went straight to the bathroom. You looked at your reflection in the mirror. Hideous, you described yourself. Your hair was a mess like a haystack. Your eyes and nose were red. Your cheeks were puffy.

You splashed your face with water in the bathroom sink, washing away the tears that have been falling since a few hours ago. You have just broken up with your boyfriend – yet again – this afternoon. You untangled your hair and wiped your face, but whatever you do, the traces of tears and crying can’t be removed. You breathed in deeply and went to the front door.

The cool breeze of the night welcomed you as you open the door. You looked left and right, but no one was there. You sighed, looking down. You were about to close the door when you noticed something placed on top of your welcome mat. You picked it up, closed the door and sat on your sofa.

It was a small scrapbook, wrapped in a white ribbon. You untied it, opening the cover.

Your name was written on the middle of the page. “Kyesin.” It said. Your eyes opened wide in shock. Your eyebrows creased in confusion. You turned it to the next page. A tear left your eye as you read the dedication.

“The only girl I’ve ever loved.”

“Donghae?” you whispered to yourself, recognizing his handwriting. You knew it all too well; he was your best friend after all. You know how he writes his i’s and w’s, and other letters too. Another tear left your eye.

You turned the page once more. A picture of you staring off to the distance was glued to the page.

-------------------------------------------

I took this picture with my phone on the day that I met you. It was summer. I had just finished my dance practice and I was heading for home. It was then that I saw you. You were sitting on the sidewalk, crying your heart out. I went towards you, to ask what was wrong. I squatted in front of you.

“Excuse me, miss. Are you okay?” I asked.

You slowly lifted your head up, and sniffed. You stared at me with a confused expression. But you couldn’t fight your tears. It fell again, soon enough.

My heart jumped out of my chest. Your eyes were the most beautiful ones I’ve ever seen. Despite the crying and the tears, you looked beautiful to me.

“Sshhh… I said.  “Don’t cry, miss. What’s your name?”

“Kyesin,” you said as you sobbed.

“Kyesin,” I repeated. I love how beautiful your name sounds. “My name is Donghae.” I smiled at you, and it seemed to stop your tears.

You looked at me with a blank expression, but I can see it in my eyes how hurt you were inside.

“Do you want to see a magic trick?” I asked you, hoping to make you feel better.

You nodded your head like a sad little kid. I smiled at you. And then, I showed my empty hands to you, and reached behind your ear. I showed you the coin that magically appeared.

You looked at it blankly, as if you’ve seen the trick a thousand of times already. I quickly thought of a trick, and luckily I had the right props in me.

“Okay, I’ll show you another one,” I said. I fixed your hair – which was part of the trick – combing your bangs with my hand. I tucked your hair behind your hair and made a rose appear out of nowhere. I handed you the rose, but you just stared at it.

Your thin lips started to go down around the corners again. Your eyes started to squint. Tears fell abruptly from your eyes.

I felt terrible, for making you cry again. And so I sat down beside you and rubbed your back until you stopped crying. I gave you my handkerchief and you wiped your tears with it.

“Thank you,” you said, handing it back.

“Keep it,” I said. “You need it more than I do.” I smiled at you.

You nodded slightly. You hugged your knees and put your head on your knees. You stared blankly at the road.

“Hey, do you like ice cream?” I asked you.

You looked at me with a very confused look. Probably my face was serious, so you knew I wasn’t joking or just playing around. You nodded in answer to my question.

I smiled wide and stood up. “Let’s go eat. My treat, and you can’t say no,” I said as I held my hand to you to help you up.

Your expression was shocked – and I found it cute. You thought of it over, whether to come with me or not, but soon you stood up. Your hand… dropped to your side. You felt afraid.

 I led the way to the ice cream shop. I let you wait on the couch as I took your order for you. You got cookies n’ cream – I clearly remembered, because it was your favorite flavour. I carried the tray of two parfaits to the table and sat at the couch opposite you.

“Uhm… These are gigantic,” you said.

“Just eat it,” I said. “It’ll make you feel better.”

You did as I said like a good little girl you were. You picked up the spoon from the table and scooped on your ice cream. I observed you while you ate. You were so beautiful – even through all that crying. Your eyes have always been my favorite feature. They are color gray – such a rare color. You have the strangest eyes, but they were so beautiful that I couldn’t take my eyes off them. Your eyes truly show what you feel. When you smile, your eyes would twinkle like stars and then I’d be lost in them. When you’re sad, I can see the hurt in your eyes, and I can’t stand seeing you like that. Just like I can’t stand seeing you cry a while ago. I want to comfort you, and embrace you, but I’m not sure if you would allow me.

We got closer as the days go by. I’ve always loved this picture of you. You look so beautiful – as always. I still clearly remember your reaction as you saw me in your front door the next day. That’s when I took this picture, remember? You let me in politely, and I felt the barrier between us starting to break. Every day I would check up on you, to see if you hadn’t done anything that you would regret. I kept you safe.

You called me your best friend on September 15th, a month before my birthday. It was when I took this next picture of you. We were at the park that time. I clearly remember you sitting on the swing wearing a blue sundress – the color I loved on you. It was the best birthday gift anyone has given to me. And soon, it was winter. I feel the distance between us, starting to get smaller.

Do you remember this next picture? Yes, these shoes are from you.

“Donghae-yah!” you called me as I was cooking in the kitchen. I had invited you over for a simple lunch for Christmas.

“Yes, Kyesin?” I answered, leaving the turkey in the oven. I walked to the living room and saw you holding a box wrapped in Christmas wrapper. You had that big smile on your face. “What’s that?” I asked.

“Your gift, silly! Merry Christmas, Donghae!” you said.

“Aw, Kyesin. You don’t have to…” I said.

“Why shouldn’t I give my best friend a gift?” you said. I sighed but my heart was pounding really fast.

You grabbed my hand and my heart started fluttering. You pulled me to the couch, sitting me down there. I looked at you, as you put your gift on my lap.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” you asked me.

I sighed once again and tore the wrapper off. My eyes opened wide as I saw your gift – a new pair of dancing shoes. To be honest, I didn’t want to wear them. I never wore them, not because I didn’t like them. In fact, I loved them. But I don’t want to ruin them. They’re from you. I want to cherish it forever.

This is my favorite picture of you. My heart flutters every time I see it. I love your face; it was bright and lively. Your alabaster skin matches perfectly well with the sapphire blue dress you had on. And around your neck, was the silver necklace with a heart shaped pendant I gave you. I remember how my heart pounded on my chest when we took this shot. I felt like I was in heaven.

We sat on my sofa together, that evening. I had the urge to invite you over for dinner that day, and so I did. You took the invitation without any hesitation. It was just the two of us that night. It meant a lot to me, seeing your face, your hair, your eyes – just seeing you. It may not mean the same to you, but I was grateful to see you that night. You’ve always thought of yourself as an ordinary girl, but to tell you the truth, I’ve never seen or described you as ordinary.

“Oppa~” you called me. Hearing that word just makes my heart flutter. “Oppa! Let’s take a picture!”

“Kya…” I grumbled. You know how much I hated taking pictures of myself.

“Come on, oppa!!! Jebal???” you aegyo right in front of me. That I couldn’t resist.

“Arasso, arasso,” I said. I sat on the sofa and you sat beside me. We’ve never sat this close before. I slowly wrapped my arm around you. You looked at me and smiled. You moved in even closer; so close that I could smell strawberries in your hair.

*SNAP* the camera went. You took it in my hands. “Let me see!” you said. You looked at the picture with your twinkling eyes. “I like this picture,” you said as you looked at me. I was so lost in your eyes I couldn’t mutter a single word. “I’m so glad you became my friend, Donghae!” You pinched my cheek playfully and stood up.

It was this day – December 23^rd when I see you smile genuinely, without any hurt in your eyes.

That day I realized how much I loved you, and how much you don’t. But I would take that. I’d take that anytime. It’s so much better than without you at all. You’ve said you loved me a couple of times already, and I’ve put that into heart – believe me. But no matter what I do, how I love you won’t be the same as how you love me. Not a single day would pass ever since I met you that I wouldn’t think of you. As the days grow by, you’d feel so close, yet so far.

It was in your company’s New Year’s party where you met Kyuhyun.

January 3. I took this picture of you that day. You were sitting beside me in my car as I drove you home. You can’t stop smiling.

“You seem happy today,” I said.

“Huh?” You said, obviously lost in thought.

“What is it?” I asked.

“It’s nothing,” you blushed.

“Tell me,” I forced you, regretting that afterwards.

You rolled your eyes. “Fine. I met someone.”

My heart dropped. I clutched on the steering wheel. I looked straight at the road as my jaw locked. Anger flowed through me. Jealousy. Sadness. Disappointment. Who was he? Where did they meet? How?

“His name is Kyuhyun. He’s from the company. I met him yesterday at the party,” you said in an enthusiastic voice, answering my unspoken question.

“Oh,” I said in a hard voice. I cleared my throat and tried to sound enthusiastic. “And you like him?”

“I don’t know, Hae. He’s charming, and friendly. He went to the reception a while ago,” you said. I saw you blush. “He’s inviting me to lunch tomorrow. Should I go?” you asked.

NO, I could’ve said easily. But seeing you so happy – happier than you were with me for months, I couldn’t deny you of your happiness. I know now it was selfish of me to get mad like that. “Why not?” I said, though I wish I didn’t.

“You really think so?” you said.

I clutched the steering wheel tighter. Should I tell you the truth or not? I wondered. It took me a while to form a decision, knowing your happiness is what is at stake. “Uh, yeah, sure…” I said. “It’ll be a good experience.”

“Okay, okay. I don’t know what to wear. What should I wear? …” you blabbered on. I’m sorry I wasn’t listening much to you at that time. My mind was too preoccupied, thinking if I should take what I said back.

I didn’t. Soon, we arrived at your house. You went out, and I led you in – like I always do. “Thanks, Hae!” you said, smiling at me with a smile I’ve never seen before.

Then, the most extraordinary thing happened. You threw your arms, wrapping them around my neck. You rest your head slightly on my chest. You pulled a second after. You smiled at me again, and walked in your house.

There I was, alone, standing by your front door. I was frozen. What just happened? I asked myself as I try to process what you did. She hugged me, I told myself. She hugged me. She hugged me. My arms ached. I should’ve hugged you back.

Different emotions ran through me as I arrive at my place. As I lay down, I weighed them. Anger. Happiness. Sadness. All mixed emotions. One emotion seemed to overpower them all: Love.

I love you. I’m sure of that. Really sure. I nearly cried that night. I wanted to tell you how much I feel for you, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t ruin your happiness. I couldn’t just barge in and tell you I love you. I knew it would be hard for you. I haven’t seen you so happy before; I still want to see it. I know what I am now: a coward.

A coward, that’s what I am. I couldn’t tell you those three words I’ve been meaning to for more than a year. I’ve never had the courage to. I regret that now. I regret not telling you a long time ago. I was afraid to lose you but I realize that I was wrong now.

This picture was one of my favorites too. Though it breaks my heart every time I see this, I couldn’t help but admire your beautiful face. I love how that red dress compliments your skin. I love that surprised look on your face. It was February 14. The day of hearts.

Ever since I met you, I’ve been looking forward to this day. I gathered all my guts and went out to buy you a dozen roses. I rang your doorbell, and as you opened the door, I snapped the camera.

“Donghae!” you said, your glowing face just a feet away from me. “What are you doing here?”

“Happy Valentines!” I greeted, handing you the bouquet of red roses.

Your face fell. You became confused. You awkwardly took the roses with you. “Uhm… thanks, Hae,” you said.

“So, uhm, what are you doing today?” I asked. I regretted doing so.

“Kyesin! Who’s that?” someone shouted from inside your house. He came out – a man of about six feet tall. He had brown hair, and his skin was just as white as yours. He slowly wrapped his arms around your waist. His hand took your free hand. I stared as he held your hand. I wondered how it felt for him. The warmth of your hand – something I’d never get to experience.

“Kyuhyun, this is my best friend Donghae,” you said, awkwardly.

“Oh, you’re Donghae? It’s nice to finally meet you. Kye has been telling me a lot about you,” he said, extending his arm.

I stared at it for a while before shaking it. “Same here.”

“Donghae, this is Kyuhyun,” you said.

“’my boyfriend, Kyuhyun,’ you mean,” Kyuhyun corrected you, chuckling. You blushed bright red.

My heart fell, crashed and burned. My body went cold. My head spun. I began losing grip on everything. But then I looked at you, and saw how happy you were. This all happened so fast, you didn’t notice a thing.

“Oh, Kyesin. You didn’t tell me! Since when?” I asked.

“Just a while ago,” you admitted. He surprised me.

“Yes, and now we’re having lunch. Would you like to join us? I’m pretty sure there’s food for more than the two of us,” Kyuhyun said. Then I know why you like him.

“No thank you,” I said. I just thought I wouldn’t be able to see the two of you together. “I just dropped by to greet my friend. I need to go somewhere else anyway. It was nice meeting you,” I said before hurrying to my car and driving like a maniac back home.

I ran to my bed and cried my heart out. I have to admit it did hurt very much. My thoughts played back to your smile – the most beautiful one I’ve seen so far. I realized you were happy now – happy with him. How could I have been so selfish? How could I have claimed my ownership on you, even if you were never mine? I love you, but I know now that I must not bother you.

Kyuhyun and you grew closer as the days go by; and we grew closer apart. And so I learned how to give up even as I fall more in love. But after a few months of your relationship, things changed.

You left him today. I don’t know why or how. I don’t care. But seeing you like this… Seeing you again in this state… Seeing you like the first time I saw you… Seeing you cry your heart out again… This… this just hurts me more than I could imagine.

Seeing you cry hurts me more than knowing you don’t feel the same about me. I couldn’t stand it. I know you don’t like to talk to anyone now but please, stop crying. I’ll be your shoulder, just tell me. I’ll embrace you from here, until your sadness goes away. My palms would wipe your tears away. Tell me, and I’ll be there, right beside you.

I’m not asking for you love, Kye. I’m not asking for anything. I just want you to know how much I care, and how much it hurts for me to see you like this.

I love you with all my heart, Park Kyesin. Your happiness is all that matters to me.

You turned to the last page of the scrapbook.

All my love, Donghae.