Back in 1984: Sometime After Kyuhyun’s Turning

“What?”

“You can’t.  Not ever again.”

“Do you know what this means?!”

 “Well, to be brutally honest, it never really crossed my mind.”

“If I was aware that it was my last, I would have taken the time to, you know, appreciate it.  It’s something that humans do, Zhou Mi.  We get sentimental.  We regret the carelessness of our actions, of taking things for granted - we couldn’t enjoy our last pleasures of life to the fullest because somebody didn’t ing tell me beforehand – “

“Kyuhyun, you taking your last dump probably shouldn’t be something to get emotional about.”

“You!  You have no right to patronize me!  I feel intensely betrayed by your lack of notification!”

“So you’re just going to be against me on everything from now on?”

“Correct.”

“Then if I say ‘Kyuhyun, I forbid you to retrieve your last bowel movement from the sewage system and freeze-dry it for fond memories’, what are you gonna do about that?  Huh?”

“ you.”

“Ah, I thought as such…”

“You bastard, not in that way  - don’t you dare touch me during this current midlife crisis - ”

“Midlife crisis?  Inappropriate word choice, much?  Honey, let me remind you that you’re kind of dead right now – and not in the lord-I-need-a-steaming-cup-of-joe type.  No offense.”

“Right, let’s cut back a little on the remarks now – “

“Ditto to yours too, darling.  One would almost think that you didn’t want to become a powerful overlord of the night with all that whining.”

“Overlord of the night?  Is that what you call this affliction?  I believe I was profoundly drunk during that particular decision, and given my memory of the act, however foggy, I still don’t believe I ever had much of a choice - ”

“I was irresistible, obviously, and you pawed at me first – “

“…are you done with your self-praise yet?  Anyways, before I was so rudely interrupted – “

“Oh yes, do go on...”

“…I want to know what exactly this means.  I’m now a…what did you call it? Whatchamacallit….of the night?”

“You totally butchered my previous words and just called yourself something ridiculous, but yeah, I get your general idea - ”

 “What is with all your insistence on still being alive?”

“I’m waiting.”

“Well, apart from being my slave, ouch, the number one rule is to Always Listen To Zhou Mi.  By the way, that really hurt, Kui Xian.”

“I may have been turned by you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m turned on by you.  You take that first thing back or I’ll resort to something much more horrific than a pinch.”

“Alright, fine.  I’ll throw that out.  Number One Rule is still firmly in place, by the way.  When I tell you to stay away from the sunlight, you stay away from the sunlight.  When I tell you to brush your fangs, you will whip out that toothpaste and scrub them until they gleam.  When I tell you to bend over - ”

“How long do Vampires live?”

“Who's rudely interrupting now?!  If you can stay away from sharp objects that could pierce your vengeful little heart - pretty much forever.  Brilliant, eh?”

“And I’m expected to be by Your Royal the entire time?  Lord help me...”

“Tsk tsk…touchy subject, Kui Xian.  On a historical standpoint, you’re Satan’s spawn now.  Therefore, the more politically correct term would be ‘Devil help – “

“Where’s the stake and hammer?  I can’t take any more of this - ”