Dear Mom,

I’m sorry

●●●●●●

“Momm!!!” Kai yelled. He was in a bad mood, his teacher had given him a detention for not doing his homework and his dance studio was closed. Not getting on his bad side would be a wise idea.

“What is it, dear?” His mother appeared at his doorway.

“I want pizza.”

“Okay, I guess I could pick it up.” His mom nodded. She had been doing the laundry when Kai called her. “Could you get the laundry from the dryer then?”

“Uggghhhhh,” Kai groaned into his pillow. “I don’t wannaaaa!!!”

His mom sighed, “It would make things go much faster if you would just get the laundry from the dryer and fold your own.”

“It’s okayyyy, I'm in no rush for pizza. You can finish the laundry” Kai said, taking his phone out.

Wordlessly, she left.

●●●●●●

Kai's mother breathed out heavily as she finished vacuuming the whole house. Finally, after a hard day of working, she could sit for two minutes before her kids would come home.

“Mommm.” Kai entered the living room. He sat down beside his mother, putting an arm around her. “I need money; I'm going to hang out with the guys for a couple hours.”

“It’s Thursday, you have school tomorrow so you can’t stay out too late. Don’t you have any homework?” his mother asked. Kai removed his arm, “Naaaahhh, it doesn’t really matter.”

“Of course it does! It’s your education!” she said incredulously.

Kai rolled his eyes, “Are you going to give me money or not?”

“You can only stay out for 1 hour.” His mother said firmly.

Kai stood up, “I don’t have any important homework! It’s okay! I'm not failing anything!”

His mom sighed, “Yes, but a 52 in math isn’t going to get you anywhere.”

“I’m not planning on becoming a mathematician, so who cares?”

“Dancers need an education too.” she pointed out.

“Whatever.”

“Can you pick Hana up from school?” she asked, looking at the time, as Kai headed out of the living room.

Kai groaned, “Ugghhhhh, I can’t! I’m busy, and I had such an annoying day at school!”

His mother didn’t get a chance to speak to him again because Kai had already left. It wasn’t that Kai wasn’t a good kid, he was. It was just that whenever his mother asked him to do something, he would never want to, claiming that he was ‘too tired'.

Kai should have done those things his mother asked him to do. They weren’t very big, they weren’t very hard, but Kai never felt that they were important enough for him to do them.

●●●●●●

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I never took what you said seriously.

I’m sorry I always picked out flaws in you.

I’m sorry I never did what you asked right away.

I’m sorry I always ignored your suggestions.

I'm sorry I was a picky eater and never ate what was on my plate.

“EWWWW!” Kai made a disgusted face as he looked at the vegetables in front of him.

“I don’t want to eat this! It’s gross!”

“Kai honey, you have to learn to eat what is placed in front of you.” his mother gently chided.

“But this is gross! I'm not eating tonight.” Kai pushed his plate away and walked out of the kitchen.

I'm sorry I never tried hard enough.

I'm sorry I didn’t get along with anyone in our small family.

I'm sorry I didn’t give my full effort for school.

I'm sorry I never helped you around the house.

I'm sorry I never did my chores.

“Kai!” Kai's mother yelled. “I told you to clean your room! It’s a mess in here!”

Kai rolled his eyes, “So? It’s my room, so it shouldn’t matter!”

“Yes, it does.” she said firmly. “Clean it, now. Or else you can’t go out with your friends.”

“Ughhh!” Kai picked his clothes up and lazily stuffed them in his closet. When his mother was gone, he sneaked out through the back door. I’ll clean it up later.

Being his mother, she knew he had sneaked out, so she went to check on his room. When she saw that only a few clothes had been picked up, she sighed. She didn’t like it when her kids’ rooms were messy.

So she cleaned his whole room up and when Kai came home, he didn’t even acknowledge it.

I'm sorry I never listened to you and got a job.

I'm sorry I never babysat Hana.

I'm sorry I always yelled at you for the tiniest things.

I'm sorry I let my dreams get in the way of my family.

I'm sorry I let you down.

I'm sorry I wasn’t the perfect son you wanted.

I'm sorry I always expected from you but never gave back.

I'm sorry I only cared about my problems and not yours.

I'm sorry I’m a selfish brat.

I'm sorry I never appreciated you.

I'm sorry I never told you that I loved you.

I'm sorry that you loved your good-for-nothing-son.

I'm sorry I can’t tell you these things in person anymore.

I'm sorry you’re gone.

Love,

Kim Jongin

Kai stood at the edge of the dock that was overlooking the sea. Tears slid down his face as he stared at the letter he had written to his mother.

His loving mother.

His mother who hadn’t stopped loving him from the day he was born, to her last breath.

His mother who had done and given up so much for him.

His mother who he never told that he loved her. He did the opposite actually.

His mother who he never once appreciated. His mother who he had thought was a lazy woman who never did anything right.

But he had never realized the tiny—no big things she did for him. Kai had never taken notice; he never realized everything his mother did for him.

It’s too late to tell her now. Kai squeezed his eyes shut and clutched onto the letter tightly. She’s dead now; I’m never going to tell her that I loved her, never going to tell her that I appreciated her, never going to tell her that I couldn’t live without her.

Because Death did things to this world. Death was unpredictable, taking whatever Death wanted at whatever time. You would never know when it would strike, unexpectedly and at all the wrong times.

Kai’s mother had been driving in the middle of the night to pick Kai up from his dance studio. She didn’t like him going out alone at night, and after Kai called her ‘annoying’ and ‘nosey’, his mother went out in the pouring rain to pick him up, afraid that he would walk home.

The car slid and so her life ended.

A surprise. Completely out of the blue.

Kai had never once told his mother how much he appreciated her, and now he could never.

Life is cruel like that.

Kai let out a scream and ripped the letter to pieces, falling to his knees. I'm sorry. I’m so so sorry.

He threw the pieces of the useless letter into the ocean.

It’s too late, too late to say I love you. Too late to say thank you. Too late. She’ll never know.

Kai pulled his hair and screamed in fury again. The guilt was killing him; the emptiness in his heart wouldn’t leave. His mother was dead, gone. Even when she died, she had been trying her hardest for him. He would never be able to forgive himself. Why? Because he had only cared about himself, because he had never said a certain three words to his mother that would have told her so much.

I’m sorry, mom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Appreciate your mothers~ (: