There will come a day where green will just be a color, Not your eyes.

Where the tapping on my window will just be the trees,

Not you climbing up the fire escape, asking me to let you in.

Where the bed will become fully mine, not a side for each of us.

Where I’ll be someone else’s, not yours.

But that is not forgetting, it is living.

(SM)

Jongin loves cutting out butterflies on colorful papers, especially if he’s with his best friend Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo likes all of the light colors you can imagine with the colored paper, also is Jongin. But things change little by little, and light colored butterflies turned into dark colors. That’s how Kim Jongin expresses his feelings.

It started with gray, around the month of September, Kyungsoo started to get more and more busy into music, he says he wants to reach for his dreams, of course Jongin will support him. Jongin the ever-so-supportive best friend. He’ll let him do anything, just to make him happy. Jongin loves to see Kyungsoo happy, and he’ll be happy too.

“Jongin-ah, I have spare time today since our mentor gave us off.” Kyungsoo explained, seating beside his best friend with legs crossed, “Do you want me to help you cut butterflies again?” he offered with a smile the younger loves since day one.

Jongin smiled in response and hands Kyungsoo a scissor. The elder gets the scissor from Jongin’s hands and started to cut-out butterflies from yellow papers, but he’ll stop almost everytime, looking at his phone and smiles widely with his eyes twinkling when he reads a message. Jongin starts to wonder if his hyung smiles like that when he message him.

Kyungsoo receives a call, after a matter of minutes, he stands up, “I’m sorry Jonginnie~ I need to go now! See you!” he said with an apologetic smile and left. The younger guy stares at the half-way finished butterfly lying on the floor. Kyungsoo never gets busy when he cuts out butterflies with Jongin.

The next month, October, Jongin’s color became dark green; it has been a week when Kyungsoo seldom calls him or even just a simple message. It has been lonely for Jongin, walking to work alone, and walking home alone. No more chats, no more laughs and no Kyungsoo, the once warm left arm became cold and Jongin shivers. Making paper butterflies makes Jongin reminisce of the old days, Kyungsoo sometimes write a note on the butterfly, like ‘Jongin is forever my one and only best friend’ and ‘I love Kim Jongin’s dance’. He keeps them in a shoebox hiding underneath his cabinet. The last note is from August, ‘I’ll never be busy for anything when it comes to cutting butterflies : )’.

It’s a lie, a lie now, of course. Jongin can’t do anything; he needs to understand that Kyungsoo is busy reaching for his dreams. And Jongin is busy loving him secretly, and that’s it.

“Jonginnie~” Kyungsoo called, running after the said guy who is heading for work. Jongin felt his heart flipped and the butterflies in his stomach starts fluttering. He missed this person so, somuch.

“How are the butterflies? I hope you take care of them.”

“Of course I do!”

“Ah, that’s good then!” Kyungsoo smiled, “hey, mind if I visit tonight? I have lots of things to tell you!”

Jongin never answers a ‘no’ when it comes to his hyung.

That night, they are eating a gallon of strawberry ice cream that Kyungsoo bought before going to Jongin’s house. As Kyungsoo said, he has lots of stories to tell. It was great at first, Jongin keeps commenting with a smile, but it disappears slowly when he keeps hearing, “Me and Baekhyun..” It was supposed to be “You and me…” But Jongin have to understand, because Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are partners in their class.

Kyungsoo keeps telling him how Baekhyun can hit the high notes beautifully, he dances well, too, he’s really cute and I think I like him.

Jongin’s heart died for a second there.

December turns into black. Jongin finally met Baekhyun. As they walk on the street, Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are sticked together, while Jongin is behind them. They keep sharing smiles, words that are almost, almost romantic and the touches that he and Kyungsoo always do.

This time, Jongin can’t understand anymore. His heart is twisting because of the other guys’ actions. He wants to understand it, but he’s afraid of being replaced as Kyungsoo’s best friend. It’s the only position that Jongin can only manage that is close to his hyung’s heart.

Kyungsoo won’t replace him. Of course not. He promised.

This year’s December is colder than any other Decembers Jongin spent. No Kyungsoo on Christmas countdown, no Kyungsoo on Christmas day. Chanyeol invited him to a Christmas party, but the younger turned him down saying his busy though his work doesn’t have schedules on Christmas days, it’s just because, Kyungsoo is with Baekhyun and he knows it will hurt a lot to see them.

New Year’s Eve is the saddest, there are his friends fooling around while he sits on a bench drinking a beer in-can, watching Kyungsoo and Baekhyun share affectionate smiles and secretive whispers. The latter’s eyes travels down under the table, a mistake; the two guys’s hands are intertwined.

There’s this hard tug on Jongin’s heart. But he decided to understand it, again, because Kyungsoo is smiling and that means he’s happy. Whenever Kyungsoo is happy, Jongin should be happy too, right? Right.

Violet is the color for January, the first week is alright because Kyungsoo starts to help him with the paper butterflies again, but the elder noticed a box hidden under the bed with a label ‘SAD’.

“What are those for?” Kyungsoo asked curiously while his gaze is pointing at the sad box, “I never saw that before.”

“That’s- That’s not mine. A friend asked if I can keep it in the house and I agreed.” Jongin lied hoping his hyung will buy it.

“I thought you’re sad, you know you can always tell me anything Jongin-ah.” The elder smiled ever so beautifully that Jongin feels like crying. It’s the first time in the year he saw that smile that is directing to him.

Of course Kyungsoo is always there, but what if, the problem is him? Will he accept it? Jongin shakes his head; he doesn’t want to destroy their friendship. It’s the only thing that keeps him going.

A week passed and Jongin received a call, he smiled widely when he reads the color I.D. ‘Kyungsoo’.

“Hyun—“

“Jonginnie! Finally! Finally!” Jongin heard a sniffle from the other line, “Me and Baekhyun, we’re dating officially!” It’s the first time the latter heard Kyungsoo so happy like that, happier than the time when Jongin bought him a teddy bear he badly wants on his eight birthday.

Jongin tried to understand, even his heart is clenching tightly in his chest, his hyung is happy, and he should be happy too. He’ll do anything to make him happy, even letting him go is a choice.

“You’re the first one to know!” The elder guy told him, Jongin can feel he’s grinning in the other line, but, should he be happy for that?

“Jongin! What happened?!” Sehun asked, panicking, when he saw Jongin on his doorstep, gulping on the seventh beer, the empty cans are laying crumpled on the ground.

“Sehun-ah, my heart hurts. It ing hurts.” Jongin stated, his voice shaking, and Sehun saw glint of tears threatening to fall.

“Jongin-ah.”

“He’s so happy Sehun, I should be happy too right? Right?” the elder of the two asked, like forcing him to answer ‘yes’ even it’s evident that it’s a ‘no’.

February is red but Jongin chose blue. Jongin locked himself in the dance studio, he only have a bottle of water and a partially charged handy phone. He danced till he feels tired, he danced till he feels the heartache melts away but once he stops, it will come and build up again.

His phone keeps ringing, but he disregards it. He doesn’t like anyone’s company. The latter falls on the cold floor, his chest heaving up and down because of exhaustion and depression. The music has ended and thoughts came rushing back again, all Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo and him, together. Tears started to fall down, he has no control of his tears now, he tried to be strong, but trying isn’t enough.

Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are probably busy preparing for their upcoming date for the Valentines’. But in his dreams, he and Kyungsoo are busy cuddling on the bed. The simplest but most romantic thing to do on that day, but dreams are dreams, it stays like that and only like that.

A loud banging comes from the door, along with the calls of “Jongin!”.

“Please open up.” Kyungsoo pleaded worriedly. Jongin wants to give in, but the other part of him tells him to deny Kyungsoo even just for a day. “Jongin!”

“Go away. I don’t need you.” Jongin replied in the coldest voice he can sport.

“What happened to you?”

“Go away! Goodness, why can’t you understand that?!”

“What happened to us Jongin-ah?”

“There’s no us, hyung. Leave me alone.” He replied bitterly, while wiping his tears violently.

Jongin heard a sob emanating from the back of the door; he immediately stands up because he can’t stand a crying Kyungsoo. He holds onto the cold knob and turns it—

“Shh, Kyungie, don’t cry.” Baekhyun comforted his lover while hugging him tightly as he could, “He’ll show up soon.”

“Baek, I’m worried. It’s my fault.”

“No, it’s not. Let’s leave him alone for a while okay?” Baekhyun said while looking Kyungsoo straight in the eye and he plants a sweet, soft kiss on his lips. “Stop crying, hm?” he smiled, this time, Kyungsoo smiled back and nodded.

Jongin thought he heard something break, but it’s nothing; it’s just, just his heart and nothing important.

The next day, Jongin shows up on Kyungsoo’s doorsteps. He stands there, hesitating if he should really press the doorbell or just leave, permanently. But a Kim Jongin can never stand a sad Kyungsoo. When he pressed the doorbell, he heard scrambling behind the door, and the door shot open, revealing a Kyungsoo with a wide grin on his face.

“Jongin!” Kyungsoo jumped into the younger guy, hugging him tightly till the other is almost out of breath. “I’m so happy to see you!” Jongin didn’t respond, he just let Kyungsoo hug him, he didn’t hug back even he wants so badly.

“Jongin, what’s wrong with you?” The elder asked concerned, his voice is a bit muffled because his head is still buried in Jongin’s nape.

“My heart…”

“Huh? Jongin..”

“You won’t understand.” Jongin said and chuckled dryly. “I should leave.” He pushes Kyungsoo gently off him.

“Jongin, what’s wrong?” The elder asked, his eyes are now sad, “You’re not like this before.”

“You’ll know soon.” Jongin answered with a sad smile and left, leaving his hyung with a heavy heart.

March’s color is blood red. Jongin stays most of his time in his bedroom alone; he cuts out red butterflies and continues to fill his sad box with it. It’s almost full, just one more month and he’s sure that his heart will mend after April.

Sehun tries to give him company, but he refused, he needs some time alone. Kyungsoo calls and message him every day, but he didn’t bother to answer.

Jongin knows he’s being too dramatic about his situation, but he just can’t stop it. Kyungsoo never broke any of his promises, but it started when he met Baekhyun, Kyungsoo always cooks him kimchi spaghetti, when he requests to his hyung to cook it, he’ll immediately cook, Kyungsoo laughs with him when they’re watching gag shows, but Jongin watches gag shows alone now and he can’t laugh without his hyung’s company, Kyungsoo always helps him cutting out butterflies- a tear rolled down the latter’s cheek.

Memories hurt the most. He can’t return the good old days, the days when he still has Kyungsoo all by himself.

White is for April, it’s the only light color in the box but it’s ok, it expresses his feelings well. Jongin remembers that April is the last month for his despair. He smiled.

“Jongin honey, are you ready?” His mom asked from downstairs.

“Yes eomma! I’m coming!” Jongin answered and runs down the stairs, carrying the sad box with him.

Sehun is waiting outside his house, he have this sad smile gracing his face.

“Keep this for me, ok? You can read it but you can’t tell anyone anything about it!” Jongin reminded with a small smile, “See you around Sehun, thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Yeah see you around.”

After three months, Jongin received a message from Sehun.

From: Sehun

I saw Kyungsoo crying, the butterflies are all over the floor. He saw the box. I’m sorry Jongin.

After the day he received that message, another one came, and it’s from Kyungsoo.

From: Kyungsoo

I hate you. Why didn’t you tell me you migrated to Japan? We’re best friends right? Jongin please just send even just one message.

I’ve read all the butterflies. I’m sorry Jongin.

His phone vibrated again, another message came from Kyungsoo.

From: Kyungsoo

I miss you. Please talk to me soon.

But Jongin didn’t reply, because now he learned how to hold on his feelings, because finally- finally he learned how to let go. Let go of his feelings for Kyungsoo.

Three years is enough, or maybe more than enough, to give Jongin time to let Kyungsoo out of his heart. It took all of his emotional and physical energy to make himself be Kyungsoo-free. It was really hard of course.

Jongin focused on his dream, dancing. He trained so hard and now, he’s working with some famous choreographers like Rino Nakasone, Greg Hwang, Sh*t Kingz and many more. He also traveled around, from Shinjuku to Paris, New York to California. But of course, there’s this someone who pushed him to his state right now, and he thanks this person an awful lot.

They met somewhere in the interjections of sand and salty water in Okinawa. He have this gentle smile sprawled across his lips, the twinkling eyes that resembles a deer, he’s Chinese and goes by the name Lu Han. Jongin thought that Lu Han resembles a lot of Kyungsoo. They’re gentle, cheerful, a great cook and a shoulder to lean on. Lu Han helped Jongin to mend his heart. So one night of a cold spring of April, under the fully-bloomed cherry blossoms in Asukayama Park, Jongin asked Lu Han to be his.

“Yes, yes of course!” Lu Han answered with twinkling eyes and Jongin felt his heart melt at the sight.

They’re dating for a year and a half now, and Jongin decided that it’s time. Maybe Kyungsoo and Baekhyun is living happily married now, but he doesn’t care anymore.

A night in Paris, at the month of May, Jongin brought Lu Han to Montparnasse, they skated together clumsily because Lu Han kept losing his balance, after that, they walked to what the Parisians say ‘secret garden’.

Jongin pulled out the box from his pocket and opens it, “Lu Han, will you marry me?” he asked with a small smile on his face.

Lu Han tears up and answered a shaky, “Yes.” He hugs the latter tightly. Everything is just perfect.

Jongin opened his SNS account and messaged all of his friends to invite them to his wedding. He immediately received replies,

‘Really? Aw, congratulations!’

‘Wow! Jonginnie is all grown up!’

‘, getting married without our blessing!’

‘I thought you’ll marry your bestfriend, but I remembered that Earth is upside down in some ways.’

The latter laughed at the stupid replies he got. They never changed.

Blush pink is the color for July. He’s getting married in Donghae-si, an informal one because it’s at the beach. From Chanyeol to Yixing, from Amber to Yuri, he invited them all along with his family.

After the wedding, the reception followed in a grand hotel in the said province. It was fun, all of his friends might’ve matured but they’re still the idiots he knew.

Jongin walked to the balcony that views the garden lot of the hotel, he got surprised to see Kyungsoo standing alone, with a goblet of wine in his hand.

“Long time-no-see Kyungsoo hyung.” Jongin casually started, standing next to the said guy.

“Oh, Jongin-ah, it has been three years since we last talked.” Kyungsoo said with hurt in his voice. Jongin felt the strong pang in his chest when the elder smiled bitterly at him.

“How are you and Baekhyun?”

“We broke up a year ago.” Kyungsoo answered, the latter’s mouth is opened ajar, “I want to cry on my best friend’s shoulders that day, but I remembered you left me without any notice, good thing Sehun is still here.”

“I-I thought you— Why? “ Jongin stuttered, he felt his heart crumble again.

“My mistake of telling him all about Jongin.” The elder confessed and laughed dryly, “I know I’m stupid. Oh, do you still remember the butterflies we made?” he sipped from his wine, “I thought Kim Jongin was smart. Bull, I remembered he’s Kim Jongin and he’s lazy to be smart.”

“What are you—“

“Just take a look at it. You’ll see, I guess.” Kyungsoo chuckled, “See you.” He smiled one last time and left Jongin alone in the balcony.

---

Jongin drives to his old house without Lu Han knowing. He just wants to know what Kyungsoo is saying.

Everything is still in place, just like how they left it the house. He heads to his room and clicks the light switch. The latter opens his cabinet where the shoebox is located. He dusted it off and pours out the butterflies, their color is fading. How ironic.

Jongin reads each of it, and the memories came rushing back, the feeling is overwhelmingly painful. He examines the butterflies and noticed the blackened capital letters, he arranges them all into something more coherent and his heart jumped in surprise and, sadness.

‘I like you.’ It’s written on the pink butterflies.

‘You’re stupid.’ It’s on the green ones.

‘Don’t leave me.’ It’s on the blue ones.

Jongin felt like crying, if he had been just a bit smart four years ago, he don’t have to undergo painful heartbreak.

The latter hears light footsteps approaching him; he felt arms wrap around his nape and the familiar hands clutches him tightly. He finally let the tears fall down.

“It’s ok if you want me to let you go.” Lu Han said ever so softly and understanding, Jongin turns around and hugs the elder tightly.

Everything is like four years ago, but Lu Han is in Jongin’s shoes this time. Jongin knows it hurts an awful lot.

“Thank you,” he smiles, “but no thanks Lu. Yes I was in love with Soo, but now I have you.” He plants a soft, gentle kiss on Lu Han’s lips.


They let the butterflies free with the smoke, while they hold hands as they stare up the sky because everything will be perfect.





finally, finally i finished it ;w; im actually skeptical about this because im in a quite bad, sad mood. but yeah, here it is .w. i know. lame