“Finally.”

Stepping outside the plane then taking my first step on this holy place, I felt like hugging the ground and kissing it but people might thought that I’m a retard and bring me back to my home, so I tried my best not to. I breathe hard, making sure my lungs are filled with air which my idols might be taken already and I don’t even want to exhale anymore but sadly, I can’t.

Happiness is me, with my cheekbones about to fly to heaven. Through out the trip, I was smiling that I could feel my face hurting but I’m too happy to care. Just the thought of meeting my bias in person or even knowing they’re near me already kills me. I am too excited, how can’t I?

I’ve been waiting for years, since their debut about 7 years ago and I was like in middle school that time but now, I am freshly graduated teacher. Well to be exact, a math teacher. And I am here for my vacation before I even get a job so I especially visit this place for them.

Back then I would cry on my bed, thinking how lucky Korean fans are but now, here I am standing in front of Tous Les Jours. A bread shop? Yeah it is, but what special to it that I went straight from the airport to here with my heavy luggage is that, my husband’s mother owns this shop.

But then, I couldn’t even take a step forward. Not that I’m tired or paralyze, but the fact that I’m meeting his mother is too much for my heart. What if I make a bad impression? What if she doesn’t like me at all? What if I say something wrong? What if… I fainted again?

Wondering why I only care for her mother? It is because I know that he isn’t here right now because he’s miles away from me, visiting Chinese fans with the other members. Okay, I know I’m crazy to tell this, but I’m grateful that he isn’t here or else I will really faint even if I haven’t even entering the shop yet.

Blame my weak heart.

After eternity of standing there like an idiot, I manage to enter and a warm breeze of air with a pleasant aroma from the breads welcomes me. I could feel my mouth watering just with the smell and after I look on the displays, my eyes nearly puff out of its sockets. Everything is delicious just by looking it and I can say it’s near to perfection that I might cry right now.

But after seeing a woman standing at the cashier with so many similarities to him, I could feel my heart sunk on my stomach. Trying to have a good impression at least, I started to walk calmly to the counter to take my order.

She is beautiful, just like her son and I couldn’t lie that she’s indeed kind, that I already forget the nervousness I was feeling minutes ago. I order some bread and hot chocolate, since I’m really coldand I’ve been neglecting it because of my excitement.

“Are you my son’s fan?” My heart beat faster with the question, hearing that from his mother is somehow nerve-wreaking.  If I ever have such confidence I would tell her things like, ‘No, I’m his wife!’, ‘Nice to meet you mother-in-law. I am his fiancé’ and anything crazy but since I am too shy to do it, I only manage to nod shyly. She smiles sweetly at me but then she frowns and it took me a moment when a big luggage beside me came into the view.

The lady told me to take a sit first and she’ll just deliver the food to me, and she really did. I bowed and thank her which is somehow inaudible since I’m too shy to speak. And to my surprise, she took a sit in front of mine and started a conversion. Maybe because the shop has less people, since fans go next to him on China where he currently promotes. Well I’m thankful for that since I could have a quality talk with her mother.

Later on, I told her how I mange to be here in Korea and how much I’m a big a fan of Super Junior. She keeps on smiling but then a pang hit my head; she’s waiting for me to say something about her child. Of course, I keep on praising my husband which I really love to do. I could even talk about him for a day nonstop so I enjoy it.

“Y-your son is r-really… handsome.” I could feel my cheeks burning, just imagining his face makes my heart to flutter. Her mother declines my words and said it is too much, but I couldn’t help but to talk back. Hearing people calling him ugly makes my blood to boil; he’s handsome, gorgeous, hot, and perfect that my eyes might melt within a millisecond of looking at him.

Without my knowing, I suddenly said, “But omma! Hyukkie is really handsome!”

Noticing my clumsiness, I clasp my hand on my mouth not looking toward the woman in front of me. Calling her ‘omma’ and her son by his nickname is really embarrassing, I even wonder if she’s angry at me now. But I’m wrong, she chuckled at my actions and it is a relief on my part. I can’t imagine making his mother to hate me because for sure, he’ll hate me also.

Few minutes after she bid goodbye since a customer came and even though I don’t want to end the conversion just yet, I kindly said I also need to go to my hotel so she shouldn’t be sorry. Before leaving she asked if I would still come back and I said yes then I finally walk out of the shop to hide the sly smile on my face.

This means her mother like me right? Or maybe she’s just too kind to her son’s fans but even though it’s like that, I wish he could treat me like that. Well, not as a fan but someone special. Then I hit my head with the delusions lingering on my mind again. I chuckled thinking how I could imagine such things; maybe I’m really crazy right now. Yeah right, I am crazy.

After my adventure of finding the hotel I would stay at, I seriously lose my energy. In my 20 years of existence, I’m still bad at directions that I end up being lost in the midst of Seoul. But if being lost and ending up on their dorm is not bad at all. Living with them and being their maid then he’ll fall in love with me.

I am losing my mind again that I didn’t know I was actually standing at the front door of my hotel room, holding the key and my heavy luggage in my hands. When I opened the door, a small room welcomed me. It is just like a simple room but it was cozy that I felt like jumping at the bed and sleep until my eyes hurt. And I really did, not minding to change my clothes or anything. I can’t blame myself, I’m tired, deadly tired.

I spent a few minutes thinking of him if what he’s doing now and the possibilities of meeting him tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day, and I wish it could be better. With the last smile, I finally drifted to my dream land and of course with him still in my mind.

--

Right now, I think I’m an obsessive fan and I might freak out his mom. Finding myself standing in front of this special bakery after waking up is insane. I was about to go back but hearing my tummy to growl stop me, now I have a decent reason.

With a cheerful heart, I get in and meet his mother once again, greeting me with her motherly smile. I grin back and bowed, then said my order to her.

“Were you waiting for my son?” She asked as she gives me my order. I was slightly taken aback by her sudden question so I nod and look down to hide my flustered face. Was it really that obvious? Seriously, his mother got me there.

Sadness showed on her eyes, “Sorry but he’ll be back after a week since…”

“I know that omma…” I bit my lips, why can’t I stop myself on calling her omma? A sudden pat on my cheeks startled me then that is when I realized that she’s actually looking at me with an assuring smile.

This day, customers are piling up so I couldn’t talk to her more. As I fill my stomach, there’s the feeling that somehow aches inside me and then that tiny feeling lingers through out my body. Little by little, I felt hopeless but I still don’t know what is it but whatever it is, I hope it will go away.

After I go out of the shop I find myself in the middle of the city, my eyes observing every single thing. But suddenly, that tiny feeling comes back again. I started on questioning myself, isn’t this what I want? Didn’t I just wait to be here for years? Shouldn’t I be happy?

Forgetting all of my questions, I just started on strolling around the city. It was fun but only for a moment because every time that aching feeling would linger again but I tried not to. Then a photo booth catches my attention, I watch this on many dramas and I can’t wait to try it.

I waited patiently for the photo to be developed but the excitement turn into a familiar hopeless feeling again. As I look at it, I could see myself smiling at the camera but that big space on my other side hurts me. When taking pictures, shouldn’t it be done with the person you love?

I pushed myself to put a grin and scribbled something on the back of the photo as a remembrance.

I will wait for you Lee Hyukjae.

I love you.

As I read it again, I couldn’t help but to smile. Lee Hyukjae, what a beautiful name. But then the aching feeling came again and later on turn into a bitter one. A single tear drops, then a few more until it turned into a river of tears.

Lose with my feelings a strong breeze suddenly struck on my body, and the cold feeling didn’t even help me with the emptiness I am feeling. I hugged my shoulders to feel warm, maybe I look pitiful for that but then I noticed that my picture is gone. Did the wind take my photo? Oh God, why am I not lucky today?

I think of getting a picture again but I decided not to because of that unbearable hurt that I will feel again. That night I was just empty, and I keep on thinking what could fill that emptiness on my heart but still, I can’t think of anything.

--

I spent my days visiting different places, I even went to Yesung’s shop and also stop by on Siwon’s still closed café. Luckily, I manage to see Yesung and even have an autograph from him and surprisingly, I didn’t faint but still, I couldn’t even speak straight because I’m too nervous. There, I also meet his little brother and I can’t deny that they both look great; I don’t even understand people saying Yesung oppa isn’t handsome. They’re weird people really.

But even though I search the every corners of Seoul, I wouldn’t end my day without visiting that special shop. There I meet his mother and got even closer to her somehow, she told me to call her ‘omma’ since I can’t help myself but to do call her like that. Not just that, she often gives me tips of whereabouts of Hyukjae and there’s that certain tip that make my heart to beat like crazy.

“Hyukjae will visit the shop tomorrow. I told him to come, so dear you’ll see him.” She said excitedly and I couldn’t help but to stare at her for a moment. My whole body is paralyzed but my heart couldn’t help but to thump loudly. It took me a few seconds before I manage to act normal again, and that smile finally showed up on my face.

The rest of the day, what I do is just to day dream and smile like a retard. I decided to read some blogs of my co-Jewels, and I saw some fans having a close encounter with him. Jealousy then hit me, but I know tomorrow it’s my turn. Just by thinking about it, I couldn’t sleep at all but I force myself to since I don’t want to face him with my dark circles.

It only felt like a blink of an eye when I could feel the sun rising again. I felt like I didn’t even sleep or perhaps I am dreaming? But I wasn’t so I hurriedly prepare myself for this special day. I grab a marker and tried to write something on the date today but then I notice something. I have to leave Korea today.

--

Slow steps turn fast until I am almost running. I still have few more hours before my flight so I better get meet Hyukkie before I leave. With the heavy luggage in my hand, I am panting like crazy but I didn’t care, all I am thinking is I have to see him before anything else.

I successfully reached the front of the bakery and a guy with a blonde hair took my attention. Just from the outside of the shop, I could see that guy showing his gummy smiles to his fans, serving them coffee and laughing together with her mom. It is a nice scene and I could only stand there while observing his every moves.

I want to enter but I stop and look again. I tried to remember again, why am I supposed to do when I’m in front of him? No, what am I actually hoping for? What am I hoping for him to do? For all these years, what do I believe? When I came here in Korea, what am I aiming for? For getting close to his mother, why did I do that?

I could feel a pang in my heart, just by staring at that beautiful creature make me smile but it also brought that sickness that slowly kill me inside. That guy who always give me sweet dreams, laugher with his jokes, smiles when he smiles and tears when he’s hurt is just few meters away from me. Only that transparent glass, if I could only remove that then I’m facing him right now but I can’t or I rather don’t.

I take a step back but the urge to be close to him make me stop. Once more, I stare at him and seeing him happy makes my heart to flutter. I want to hug him and tell him how adorable he looks right now but the realization that it won’t even happen break it.

If I go there and talk to him, I couldn’t stop myself to fall in love with him more. If I met his eyes, I couldn’t help but to hope. If I would hear his voice, I couldn’t stop myself to want more. I tell you, I want it badly that it hurts.

But I know that if I do that I would cross the line and I’ll end up on losing myself. I always say to myself that it is just a simple fan love and I don’t really love him for real but I didn’t know that I would end up like this. And if I know, I wouldn’t let myself to be like this. I wouldn’t even dare to love him. I wouldn’t allow myself to become this hopeless for him.

And maybe if I would let this chance pass, I could still regain myself. If I wouldn’t talk to him, I won’t fell in love him. If I won’t meet his eyes, I wouldn’t hope for more. And if I wouldn’t hear his voice, I could stop my self on wanting more. Even thought I don’t want to do it, I have to but I tell you again, it also hurts.

Taking a last glance of him before I leave, I couldn’t help but to laugh at myself. I already said that I should stop myself but here I am, memorizing every part of him.

When I decided to stop, maybe you can say that I’m hallucinating but I think our eyes just met. My heart stop on beating for a second, and after that it started to thump faster and faster. For a moment, I forget how to breathe and my body couldn’t even move. Why am I feeling this? What is this? I was about to move on but why are you doing this to me? Why are you so cruel?

Then in a blink of an eye, he’s there in front of me already. At that time I don’t know what to do. There’s that part of me that want to run away from him and hide. But there’s that half who want to hug him and tell him how much I love him. I don’t want myself to be hurt but I want to see him more. I want to leave but there’s that urge inside me that want to stay. I don’t want to be near to him but right now, I want to hug him.

“Are you okay?” His voice sounds perfect that I want to hear more. With the every movement of his lips, my heart moves up and down in my chest. I didn’t answer; I didn’t do anything but stare at him simply because I don’t know what to say to him.

He repeats his questions once more and it brings me another thump in my inside. And after that he went inside again, maybe he thinks I’m crazy, and he’s right, I’m really crazy. As he walks away from me, I want to hug him there and stop him from going away. I want to tell everything to him but I just can’t because I know what I will get after that.

But surprisingly, he comes back quickly with a scarf on his hand. That’s when I realized he’s putting the scarf around me and he gently picks up my hand and put a sticky-note on it. Once again, that mind-blowing feeling came up again and he’s the only one who could make me like this.

“Maybe you’re just shy, but keep this okay?” He grins at me and I could feel my heart melting again. Why are you so kind? I am supposed to not love you but here you are, giving me more reason to not stop myself.

He is about to leave me again, but I got all of my courage and called him, “Hyukjae…” He stops and looks back at me.

The sensation I am feeling when I called his name, I am so happy but then I continued, “…Goodbye.” I manage to smile at him, and he also grin back at me before he leave me finally.

This time I didn’t look back, I didn’t stop myself, and I go away from that place. But deep inside me, I am hoping that somehow he would come back and stop me from going. Each step I make, that hope is being killed and every time I increase my distance from him, I want to go back but I know, I know that I can’t.

I read the note that he gave me, as I read it again and again my heart kept on clenching. I don’t know what to think anymore, I don’t know what to do or to feel anymore because right now, I am broken. I’ve been smashed, grinned, and broke for many times.

When you could feel your heart bleeding deep inside you, arteries being cut one by one or your insides being torn apart, it’s worse than that. It hurts, it hurts that I feel hopeless right now. I dared myself not to cry but as I imagine him more, tears started on swelling so I looked up in the sky to stop but it didn’t, instead it fall rapidly until I’m crying hard already.

I wish these tears would lessen the pain I am feeling, that it would heal my bruised heart and it would wash all the past memories that I will make me remember of him. But even though I ask or beg, it won’t lessen the pain, instead it just worsen the coldness I am feeling.

It’s unfair, why do I have to end like this? To love someone like him, aren’t I an idiot? But what can I do? I tried to stop myself but I can’t, instead I fell in love to him so now I was left with nothing. I wish I shouldn’t have known him, that I only fell for a normal guy so I wouldn’t be this hopeless.

But still, I can’t deny that if I haven’t know him then I wouldn’t become an ELF, that I wouldn't have met Super Junior and I wouldn’t have love someone like this. It’s a wonderful experience yet it breaks my heart too much. I want to hold this love but I don’t know what to reason out because I know, even if it hurts to admit, he wouldn’t love me like I do.

I might be a nobody to him but he’s my everything and with that, I don’t know what to do anymore. For a moment I couldn’t feel anything or do anything. And the heart beat that is hurting my ears back then slowly stops. I felt at ease, and sleepy so I decided to close my eyes and feel myself floating then after that, the blackness that end my heat breaks came and finally, I did sleep with Hyukjae still in my mind and a smile on my face.

Hyukjae is a cruel guy, from my first heart beat to my last, he took it all but even though it’s like that, I still can say he’s too kind. Even though it’s not how I like it, he still says he loves me before I leave him and this painful reality.

I can say that the worst sin a fan can make is to fall in love to his bias for real, and it did happen to me.

Don’t be sad, smile okay?

PS: Thank you and  I love you ELF!

--Myeolchi Oppa

A/N:

Sorry if you got bored :P
Anyways, I hope someone will like this -_-
thanKYU to 'those' who'll read this somehow~
And the character had no name kekekekekek~
Why do I think this make me think that this is possible for a multi-chaptered fic? >///<

Comment anything you want to say okay *wink*

--heechan27