D-112

I’m not going to lie.  I’ve basically been an outcast for my entire life.  Sure, I had friends, but all of them would walk away at one point.  No one really understood me and those who tried to always walked away as a result, making some stupid excuse like they “had a project to do” whenever I tried to approach them.  Seriously, what kind of dumb thinks that a mere excuse like that would be believable? I know I don’t.  And that’s not even the worst part: they thought walking away would make me forget about them, but it didn’t.  

In fact, it was the exact opposite.  My list of those types of people would increase in my mind, one name after another.  They’d always stay there.  Like a scar.

So I assumed that it wouldn’t really be any different when I transferred to Seoul High School of the Arts.  But we all know that most of the time, when people make assumptions about their lives, they’re bound to be wrong.  And though I’d hate to admit it, I was.

However, before I start my story, I’ll let you in on some things about me.  Come closer and listen carefully because I’m not going to say it again. 

The name’s Hyun Sook Joo.  I’m 17.  Was abandoned by my parents at the age of 2.  Lived in an orphanage for about 14 years.  Been bullied ever since I could remember.  Ran away on my 16^th birthday.  Lived alone in a dilapidated house after I got my freedom.  Never celebrated any of my birthdays.  I have a passion for singing.  Never fell in love and I don’t believe in it.

And I’ll give you a warning: if you don’t intend to stay, then I suggest you to leave right now because once you decide to interfere with my life, you can’t turn back.  Make the choice now.  Done? Then let’s begin.

I rolled my eyes when I arrived at the school gates.  The fancy lettering of the school name irritated me.  They were flaunting their fame and their seemingly present perfection – A quality I hated.  I knew how big of a deal it was to be accepted into Seoul Arts; I was surprised I even got in.  It was the best arts school in Seoul and the majority of the alumni became well-known individuals internationally.  Everyone who was interested in the arts wanted to go here, but that didn’t mean that they should boast about their popularity and success like that.

“What do you think you’re doing here, street rat?” I heard a female voice sneer at me while tugging on my red locks.  I scoffed when I saw the girl out of the corner of my eye.  She seemed like one of those artificial es.  You know, with that heavy makeup and just fakeness oozing out everywhere? Without turning around, I let out a dark chuckle and said, “Who are you calling a street rat?”

Her grip on my poor hair hardened as she tried to pull me back to face her.  I turned around, but not before shrugging her dirty hand off, and looked at her dead in the eye.  Flashing her a smile laced with malice, I warned, “You have no idea who you’re messing with. Picking on the new kid to feed your own ego? That’s just low.”

It might not be the best thing to anger someone even more, but I was really amused by how she was taking this.  If possible, her face became even redder as she tried to think of a comeback.  But before she could utter a remark, a reddish brown-haired male decided to step in, saying, “Park Mi Yeong, you’re going to be late for class.  I suggest you hurry up and present your student ID to the ajeossi over there before seonsaengnim gives you detention again.  You know the school doesn’t tolerate tardiness.”

I was surprised to see her nod and head towards the school entrance, as if she never tried to pick on me in the first place.  “Arraso, oppa.  See you at lunch,” She winked at him, but he remained unfazed by her poor attempt to get on his good side.

Next, he turned to look at me, his handsome face expressionless.  I would be lying if I didn’t admit that he was beautiful.  The soft plump lips, the compelling stare, the attractively tousled hair and the model-like aura.  He looked perfect.  I didn’t even know his name and he already intrigued me.  That’s a first.  “You’re Hyun Sook Joo, the new student, right?” He tucked his hands into his pockets.  He was the first person I’ve met in a long time that didn’t try to bully me or hold out a hand for me to shake.

Raising an eyebrow, I replied smoothly, “Ne.  And you are?” My arms hugged my upper body from the cold.  I probably should’ve brought my jacket with me instead of just wearing the school blazer.  I watched my breath come out in puffs from the cold fall weather as I exhaled.

“Kim Jongin, senior student body president.” His eyes met mine for a second, his brown eyes gazing into mine before he looked away.  He shrugged of his black leather jacket and threw it to me.

Caught off guard, my eyes widened as the jacket landed in my arms, the warmth from it slowly defrosting my frozen fingers.  “Ya, Jongin ssi.  I’m not your-” Before I could say “closet”, he cut me off.

“You’re cold, so wear it.” He said matter-of-factly with a roll of his eyes.  “As president, I am required to give you a tour of our ‘prestigious’ school.” Two fingers from each hand acted as quotation marks around “prestigious”, signaling the sarcasm in his words.  “But we can skip it if you’d like because I think it’s just a waste of time since the students get lost anyway.”

Hearing his words and seeing his bored expression, I almost cracked a smile.  I kept my head down as I wore the jacket, hiding the small amused smile I had.  The scent of his cologne filled my nostrils.  It wasn’t until I zipped up the jacket that I noticed how small my frame was compared to his.  The sleeves of the article of clothing passed the tips of my fingers, the length of the jacket almost reaching to my mid-thighs.

I crossed my arms, refusing to let the cold air freeze my hands again.  “A tour would be beneficial,” I decided aloud.  At least I wouldn’t get lost in this damn school.  Living alone and having to memorize routes and directions did have its perks.

He shot me a glare, clearly showing that he didn’t want to show me around the school campus.  Wow.  Just when I decided that he could possibly be a nice person.  He then started walking towards the entrance of the building, not looking back once.  I wordlessly followed him.  My eyes widened as I observed the inside of the school.  The walls were flawlessly white.  The floor was sparkling clean.  The teachers and students looked highly sophisticated.

So that was how a rich school looked like.

So that was what the impression of a rich school would give off.

Awe.

But even so, I couldn’t help but feel that it was all just a façade.  All these rich designs of the building and the extreme cleanliness still showed flaws.  It just made me think that everyone here wasn’t as perfect as it seemed.  And I couldn’t help but wonder: Was Kim Jongin as perfect as he looked?

“And this is the balcony,” He said emotionlessly stated as we arrived at the balcony.  It was the last stop of the tour.  His voice pulled me out of my thoughts.  I turned to look at him.  A cold breeze swept past us, but otherwise, time seemed to be still on the balcony.  There were no people, just the two of us and the ground below us.  It was quiet, it was serene.  Just the way I liked it.

I watched him lean against the door of the balcony, gazing at the afternoon sky.  He seemed to be at peace.  At that moment, his cold demeanor seemed to disappear.  He seemed to be at peace.  The coldness in his eyes seemed to soften and he looked more relaxed than at the school entrance.

“So tell me a little about yourself,” I began, trying to make conversation with a small forced smile.  I stared at him, finding traces of sadness and anger in those eyes.  What had he been through? What made him this cold?

He stared back, eyes narrowing.  “There’s nothing to know about me.  You’re not attractive in any way either, so I’d appreciate it, Sook Joo ssi, if you’d stop staring at me like that.  I’m not going to sleep with you, if that’s what you were trying to do.”

Just who did this kid think he was? I admit, I’m not pretty or anything, but that didn’t give him the right to judge me like that.  I was just trying to be nice and here he was, jumping to conclusions.  The image of Park Mi Yeong flashed into my mind and I grew angrier.  Who was he to compare me to someone like her?

I let out a loud scoff.  “You’re an .  You’re appearance is attractive, but your personality is definitely not.  In fact, it’s sickening.  Not girls are like Park Mi Yeong.  She’s throwing herself at you and I’m not.  I’m only trying to be nice, despite what I’ve been through.  You don’t know me and you have no ing right to judge me like that.”  I didn’t know I was clenching my fist tightly until I felt something painfully digging into my hands.  I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.  I slowly released the fist, seeing the crescent moons from my nails emerge.  He wasn’t worth the physical pain.  He wasn’t worth getting livid over.

How dumb was I to think that he could actually be my friend? How dumb was I to even have the little flame of hope, thinking that things could be different this time? Schools and people were all the same.

“Girls are all the same.  They all want something from me, something they all know I’d be able to give.” He clenched his jaw.  “You don’t know me either and I don’t want you to.”

I was about to punch this guy in the face.  This ing prick.

It honestly hurt to know another person that wanted me to stay away from them and after all these years, I still wasn’t used to it.  Nonetheless, I struggled to stay strong.  Rolling my eyes, I ped the jacket and flung it to him.  “Here’s your ing jacket,” I spat.  Not wanting to hear another comment, I my heels and walked away.

The next thing I knew, I was trying to find the school garden I had seen earlier while Jongin was giving me the tour.  I recognized the transparent greenhouse immediately.  I sat down at the table, liking the amount of space and the comfortable feeling it gave off.

The place seemed so empty and abandoned.  It was surprising that the plants were still green and healthy.  Someone must have taken the time to help make this place beautiful.  Someone like Kim Jongin probably wouldn't have tried to preserve the garden.

I almost laughed aloud at the thought as I imagined him wearing holding a watering can, going from plant to plant.  No, it wouldn't be him.

My body made its way to the empty glass table in the middle of the garden, finally noticing how physically tired I was.  Tired of this school and tired of Kim Jongin.  Tired of his cold words and his unmatching features of perfection in the eyes of the female population.  Everything was quiet and still.  It was the perfect moment for me to do whatever I wanted to do.  I reached into my backpack, pulling out a pack of yellow post-it notes and a blue ink pen. 

I pondered for a moment, thinking about what to write.  Maybe something I learned today.  I could and would write anything since no one came here anyway.  Picking up the pen, I wrote the only thought that came to my mind: Kim Jongin is an .

Satisfied with the words, I removed the post-it from the stack and stuck it in the middle of the table.  Checking my watch, I decided that it was a good time to take a nap.  I took out the battered Korean-English dictionary I owned from a few years back and set it on the table, resting my cheek on it. It wasn't the best place to nap on, but it was better than seeing anyone I did and did not recognize.

I rubbed my eyes tiredly and yawned.  Seeing students exit the school, I knew it was time to go.  I was still in a bad mood because of Jongin.  Shoving the old dictionary in my backpack, my eyes caught sight of a yellow paper square that was stuck on the chair opposite the one I was sitting on.  I pulled it off the chair and read it.

Only one word was on it: Why?

At first, I was confused.  I didn’t expect someone to actually reply.  But more importantly, who was it? Truthfully, I wasn’t afraid of being recognized as the owner of the post-it notes nor was I scared of who I was “writing” to.  I was honestly too pissed off the give a about it.  Picking up the note, I chuckled, amused at the answer.  Why did I think he was an ? He judged me without knowing me.  After all these years, I was used to people doing that, but I was never used to the hurtful feeling that came after it.  No one knew that I was an orphan.  They didn't want to know either.  They didn't know the reason why I was so blunt and cold towards everyone.  They all assumed that I was y to everyone just because I was a spoiled brat.

And that was far from the truth.

I quickly scribbled my answer, which took up about 3 post-its, and hastily stuck it at the center of the table.  Then, I stuffed my pen and the post-it in the front pocket of my backpack and headed home, wanting an official rest from the day’s events.

D-111

The next day, I found myself humming a soft tune as I walked into the garden during my lunch break.  As I sat down at the table, I spotted a familiar leather jacket lying on the chair across the table along with another yellow note.  This time, it was written in black ink, saying: He’s not that bad.  You know, if you took the time to get to know him, you two would actually be friends.  I’m Kai, by the way.

Kim Jongin’s not that bad? Oh please.  He’s such an egotistical bastard.  He wasn’t the one who was bullied for 17 years.  He wasn’t the one who was abandoned by her own parents and dumped at an orphanage for years.  I scoffed as I continued to read, then stopped as I got to the end.  Staring at the piece of paper in confusion, I wondered aloud, “Who’s Kai?” I hesitantly put the note in my backpack.

Shrugging, I wrote back: What happened to him? You don’t have to tell me if you want to.  Oh yeah, I think he left his jacket here.  Can you return it for me?  I’m Joo.  Nice to meet you, Kai.

I decided that it was better to use an alias rather than my real name.  I stuck the note yet again at the center of the table and began to eat my lunch.  Ddoubokki’s always good.

D-96

After that, Kai didn’t reply for weeks.  My note was gone though.  It was as if he was thinking whether if he should tell me Jongin’s story or not.  I had to admit, I was a little bit curious.  Just a little.

I noticed that the leather jacket was still on the chair.  Jongin had been wearing a grey hoodie in place of the jacket.  Though I disliked him, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was cold or not.  I mean, I was freezing during the beginning of the year, and now it’s almost winter.

Sighing, I sat down and pulled my backpack onto my thighs, resting my head on top of it.  Just then, I saw the one thing I was longing to see.  A note.

He had to see his father slam a thick piece of glass over his mother’s head when he was twelve.  He had to see his mother die slowly in front of him.  He remembers her telling him to run away to safety, away from his abusive father.  But he couldn’t.  And when he started to run, it was already too late.  His mother was already dead and he was his father’s next target.  He needs help, but no one was willing to lend him a helping hand.  And so dancing was his only escape.  It was his only safe haven.

Right then, I felt like the tiest person on earth.  I felt so bad for Jongin.  The note explained everything.  And now, I was the one who made the assumptions.  I was everything I accused him of.

This time, I didn’t write back immediately.  I couldn’t.  I couldn’t pick up that pen and respond.  I just put the note in my backpack.

I needed time.

D-82

I finally responded.

I hope he’s doing better now.  Really, I do.  I lost both of my parents at a young age.  They abandoned me and left me at an orphanage.  Those years at the orphanage… They were the worst years of my life.  I was bullied every day and nobody cared.  I was people’s source of entertainment.

I returned Jongin’s jacket to him on the same day.

“Prez!” I called out, holding onto the leather article of clothing.  I had been trying to find him for hours.  I was about to give up until the thought of the dance studio popped into my mind.  Biting my lip, I ran up the stairs, hoping that he would be there.

And he was.

With earphones in his ears, he was dancing to the beat of the music.  His lips mouthed the lyrics as his body moved smoothly.  His eyes displayed the passion and love he had for dancing; it was enchanting.  He was the best dancer I’ve ever seen.

Our eyes locked for a moment through the mirror, the brown orbs of his burning into my skull.  Nonetheless, he continued to dance.  He wasn’t insecure about his moves.  He knew he was good.  We both were aware of that fact.

My lips unconsciously curved upwards, forming a small grin as I applauded when he was done.  I threw him his jacket, him catching it with ease.  I managed to catch a glimpse of the shy smile on his face before a blank expression took over.  No words were exchanged at the moment; they weren’t needed anyway.

D-74

Jongin’s kind of derpy, Joo.  Has he been nicer to you lately? Good luck on your exam!

Yep.  He’s even talking to me in person.  Thanks!

D-68

Sorry, I haven’t been replying lately because of the overwhelming amount of schoolwork.  I swear, teachers are crazy.  Hm.  Would you ever sing for me?

It’s okay! At least you’re replying now.  Um, no.  I don’t’ sing for anyone.  My voice is horrible too.

D-65

You’re such a liar! If you were horrible, then you wouldn’t be in the school! C’mon, Joo! I know you’re awesome :D

…Yeah right.

Kai and I exchanged more and more notes while Jongin and I became increasingly comfortable with each other in person.  I discovered that the two of them were similar once you got to know them.  They were nice, funny and caring. 

For someone who didn’t believe in love, I soon found myself falling for the both of them.  I realized that I could depend on them and that I wasn’t alone.  I was no longer the orphan that needed to love of her parents because I had Kai and Jongin.  My friendship with them was able to overcome that once-gaping hole.

D-41

Christmas is a matter of weeks away~ Are you going to get me anything? I’d be sad if you didn’t T^T

Kai, I think the answer’s pretty obvious.  You’re one of my best friends.  Why wouldn’t I?

I laughed softly as I stuck the post-it on the table.  It still amazes me to see how much I’ve changed because of them.  I’ve been so much happier.  The notes with Kai and the conversations with Jongin… They were the highlights of my days.  I always looked forward to them.

If someone made me choose between the two, I would pick Jongin.  I’ve never met Kai before, only Jongin.  And even though Kai seemed more amiable, the fact that I’ve never heard or seen him in school only made my feelings for Jongin increase because I wasn’t sure of Kai’s true identity.  However, in terms of friendship, he was still a really close friend of mine, just like Jongin.  They’d been there for me when I needed them and I could never forget that.

D-35

Since you picked truth, do you like anyone? If so, tell me the name of the person >:D

Wow I really should’ve seen that coming.  That is so expected of you, Kai.

D-34

Just answer ittt~

I like…. Moldy donuts?

D-33

I don’t think that’s the name of a person.

No .

D-32

You still have to answer D:

I’ll tell you on Christmas, if you really want to know.

Honestly, I knew who I liked.  I just didn’t know if it was wise to tell Kai the answer now.  Kai’s one of my only friends in this school and what if my answer throws him off? What if it pushes him away? I can’t risk that.

D-31

NO.  YOU HAVE TO TELL ME NOW.  By the way, I’m choosing Dare.

I dare you to let me tell you the answer to that Truth on Christmas.  No earlier or later than that.

D-30

…I see what you did there.  You’re such a troll, Joo.  Fine.  Don’t turn back on your words!

I won’t.  Don’t worry about it.

D-27

It’s snowing today! :D I hoped you dressed warmly!

Yep.  Going to be cold as hell.  I so regret not bringing my jacket.

Looking through the transparent class of the garden, I was able to see the snow drift elegantly onto the floor, slowly covering bits of the ground until there was nothing to see but a sheet of white.  It was most definitely going to be cold.

A familiar voice then interrupted my thoughts.  “Do you want to share lunches?” Jongin smiled, taking out his lunch.  That smile.  It was enough to make me melt.

“Sure,” I grinned.  It had become a habit of ours ever since a month ago, when Jongin decided to join me in the garden during our break.  His presence made the place feel less lonely, even though the post-its themselves were able to keep me company.  I had gotten so used to being with him to the point where a day without him would make me feel slightly empty.

It was funny how I grew to love Jongin when I despised him at first.  The smooth, tanned skin of his now became even more appealing to my eyes.  The brown eyes were more compelling than ever before.  And his personality… It was addicting.  He was addicting.  The corny jokes he made, the passion that ignited in his eyes when he danced, the shy laugh he made when he was nervous, I could and would never get enough of it.

D-15

I’ve got you your present already! Well, it’s in the mail, but it’s coming! ^^

You really didn’t have to get me one, but thanks, Kai! Your present is waiting to be wrapped at my house :P

D-13

Oh my god, it’s almost break and Christmas is almost here! I can’t wait! How was English class today?

Same! English class? Don’t remind me of it.  It was a pain in my arse.

D-7

Good luck on exams! I have to study for mine, so my notes won’t be as frequent.

It’s okay.  Good luck to you too!

D-Day: the day before Christmas break

This was it.  This was the day before break.  I had surprisingly passed all my exams with flying colors, including English.  Last week was one of the most stressful and loneliest weeks of ever since I came to this school.  Jongin was busier than ever, having to practice constantly for his dance exam and Kai, having to study in general.  Well, at least that week was over.

I arrived to school early today, wanting to put Kai’s gift in the garden along with the before my lunch break.  I opened the glass doors and my eyes widened.  It was Jongin, writing on a yellow post-it.

Was he Kai the whole time?

Or was it just a coincidence?

“J-Jongin,” My voice trembled, causing him to jump.  He stared at me, mouth agape.  Nervously his lower lip, he replied automatically, “Morning, Joo.” The nickname came out of his mouth before he could hold it back.  He knew his identity was exposed.

He was definitely Kai.

He looked guiltily at me as I shook my head.  I felt so frustrated.  “Why couldn’t you have told me that you and Kai were the same person? Why couldn’t you have given me a hint? Why did you have to hide it from me for so long?”

“You don’t understand! I gave you a hint when left my jacket on the chair.  I was trying to tell you that Kai was Kim Jongin! I thought you knew when you came and returned it to me! That’s why I didn’t say anything!” He shouted.

“Well I’m sorry for not knowing that!” I shouted back at him, fists curling at my sides.  “I’m sorry for falling for both you and Kai! I’m sorry for changing myself from being a person that was as Cold as Ice to someone who grew to love a man that didn’t trust me enough!”

I regretted the words as soon as they came out.  I immediately slapped my hand over my mouth.  I said the opposite of what I was planning to say.  I wasn’t sorry for changing for the better, I wasn’t sorry for falling for him.  Silence draped over the room as the both of us stood in our spots, staring intensely at one another.

The only thing I could see was him as his eyes hardened immediately, display the coldness that was present in his eyes from the beginning of the school year.  I knew I had messed up big time.  And though apologizing wouldn’t make him feel any better, I did so anyway, desperately hoping that we wouldn’t go back to square one.

“I’m so sorry, Jongin.  I-”

“A mere sorry isn’t enough to mend our broken relationship.” He clenched his jaw as he continued to look at me, eyes filled with hurt.  “A mere sorry isn’t enough to re-write all those notes we sent each other with the same emotions they had in them.” My heart broke when I saw a tear slide down his cheeks, the degree of damage that I had done now fully soaking in.

I’m so sorry.

I'm terribly sorry if this story doesn't make sense at all >< It's 2AM and I'm trying to finish this oneshot before the deadline OTL I had really bad writer's block.

-Sky